Terrified,

It's much easier to adhere to Plan B when you think about the logical reasons behind it. Think about this:

Plan B decreases your suffering....if you don't see or converse with your spouse and have to face daily the betrayal of his actions, it is easier to function from day to day.

It avoids rewarding selfish behavior while your spouse is seeing the OW and having needs met by two women and turning him into a cake man. Get's him off of the fence.

It is for the purpose of ending the affair after laying the groundwork in Plan A...which presents you as an attractive alternative to the affair.

It stops manipulation by selfish spouses.

It makes you feel stronger and more in control.

And even if he doesn't come back....you have a headstart in getting over him.

You stay strong. We'll help.

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 06:16 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Hello. Thank-you. Wonderful support system, you guys are.

H went away on a soccer tournament for the weekend. Was good for no contact. Feels distant, though. As if I don't know him anymore. Actually didn't know he was going away. His mother told me only AFTER she invited me and D over for Sunday lunch. Said yes. Kind of developing a different friendship with my IL's. Don't talk about H at all. Had lunch. She made one of my favorite dishes. D and I brought them specialty ice cream. We sat outside after lunch for a few hours.

Saturday was soccer (love coaching those cute kids!) and ballet followed by garden work (Ark, I'm not doing such a bad job). Brought D to a nursery and picked out some wonderful stuff for my two front pots. Then took her to see my BIL's play (Oliver). D loved the boy who played Oliver

Not a bad weekend. Tried hard not to think of H and what he was doing or NOT doing. (Watched Sweet Home Alabama...wow...heartwarming after 7 years. He definitely "STOOD" for his marriage.)

All I know is that I will always be grateful to my IL's for continuing to love me and show their support of me.

This upcoming week...ballet recital on Saturday. My IL's, my H and my mother are attending. Will be interesting and do not know how best to handle the whole thing in light of no contact? Any suggestions would be appreciated?

Also, have to go on a business trip on Sunday (thought it best since it is Father's Day. Don't come back until Thursday. Am a little worried about her sleep arrangements.

Hello BTDT, Thank-you! It's been awhile...

Hello Lupo, Hope you're doing well. You sound good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't think there's any such thing as "too late" to do Plan A, or Plan B. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The few posts I read this weekend seem to have indicated Plan B can come too late...that's what made me think a little...I hope you're right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're doing great, and YOU"LL BE FINE!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not so sure but I'm glad you think so.

Take care.

Hello SF, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan B decreases your suffering </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It has done that...but it's also made me more preoccupied. I drift more...more pensive, more isolated in ways. I talk very little of him and our situation. It's almost as if he doesn't exist in many ways.

Actually, I feel as if I'm jumping off a cliff.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But it might fix you, and in a way that makes it hard for someone who loves you, to ignore they love you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really love this, SF!

T --
You sound strong and healthy.
I think you really truly needed a break from his constant criticism.

I can just imagine the little soccer team -- how cute! I coached my kids in baseball for many years, and I still see many of their teammates at many events. Its fun to see all of them growing up.

He seems to be respecting NC. Did you send him a letter?

I'm glad your relationship with your in-laws is evolving. I think its wonderful that they still want you to visit and spend time with them. I've been erased from my ex's family. Amazing how you can spend 19 years with people and they can write you off in a second. Oh well, it shows that I was always perceptive about the depth of their caring. They were always more of a "show" family than one of real caring.

I spent my weekend watching my daughters softball team play in a tournament. Its one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend. And now that summer is here, we're going to ball games nearly every day of the week.

Take care T -- keep posting!

Hi Lex, Nice to hear from you. Sounds like you're doing well. Thanks for checking in on me and my "progress" for lack of a better word.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can just imagine the little soccer team -- how cute! I coached my kids in baseball for many years, and I still see many of their teammates at many events. Its fun to see all of them growing up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I felt amazing for that short one-hour session on Saturday (my second). The kids are really CUTE...and they LISTEN. It's wonderful to hear that you coached baseball for so long.

For me, it fills a void. Am I strong and healthy? I don't think so. To be perfectly honest, I feel like a phony because what I truly feel inside is not what I show outwardly but hey...I'm still here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He seems to be respecting NC. Did you send him a letter? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I sent him an email (resent it twice). Didn't really want to respect it on Wednesday or Thursday. Called several times on Thursday...he left for the weekend on Friday so we'll see this week how it evolves.

I think I have to try to look my BEST for Saturday night. Have a hair appt on Wednesday.

I am lucky with in-laws so far...I do love them and always will.

Hugs to you.

You are extremely fortunate to have IL's that care enough for your daughter, that they don't get so involved in the situation. That's a blessing, and best for your dd... and you too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm envious of you for that. And I wish my IL's were capable of the same. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Oh well! It's their choice. All I can do is be here for the boys WHEN H's family disappears into the woodwork.

I'm worried about your "downs". I've forgotten... are you on any anti depressant meds? If not, you might want to look into it. If so, then I'd talk to your dr about changing them, because they're not working if you're getting (and staying) so down so often. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Where is dd staying while you're on your business trip? With her dad I hope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He needs more "reality checks" in his life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Hello Terified,

Sorry I have not posted sooner. I have been busy. You seem to be doing really well. I know you feel like you are faking it. I am sure you also feel that it is not working. But I do see your H acting different to you. He will still try and push the boundries. Now is the time to stay firm. If you have to send the Plan B letter 50 times do so. I would also make sure that you do not allow your H into the house anymore. It seems to me he feels he has a right to come and go as he pleases. He does not. He gave up that right when he moved out.

How is the search for a lawyer going? I wish I knew anyone but I do not for Canada. I have to say I admire you. You worked hard at Plan A and now are implamenting Plan B. Plan B is so hard to do. You are stronger than you think. Hang in there super woman!!! BTW it must be so fun to watch all the cute little kids running around the field.

Hello everyone. Thanks.

I'm feeling rather low today. Walking around aimlessly and without spirit (normal for me).

Heard his voice on my work voice mail (left a quick msg).

Could it be that he has totally disconnected himself from who we were so easily? Can't believe it...

Out of sight, out of mind...

But he hasn't seen ME. Is that supposed to do anything to them??? Anything at all? Do WS's believe it's so over that it just doesn't matter?

I had an outside meeting today. Walked past a place where H and I had been 10 years ago...just so many DAMN memories. How has he discounted them as non-existent? Perhaps he has healed, mourned, grieved...and moved on??

Wow...are these questions normal in Plan B????

I have to get past all of this at some point but I know that I will never be HAPPY again as I was. I will never be the carefree, optimistic and just plain secure of my future. You just don't erase 20 years of your life...and rebuild without severe pain and scars.

I will never be happy and feel the same joy again in my life. That's the way I feel and have always felt.

Sorry.

Hi Topie, Yes, I'm lucky with my IL's. We have a mutual love and respect for one another. They cook for me, keep me close and support Jenna and I. My MIL and I talk each day.
Hope you're well today.

Hi MN, Thanks for checking in...as you have read, I don't feel so great.

Take care

Terri,
You might not ever be as you were. But, your future will hold happiness, if you allow it.

You don't think you'll be happy the day you see your daughter accomplish something wonderful, and know you were steadfastedly there for her all her life?

Do you ever watch (coach) one of her games and feel really delighted at some glimmer that they are catching on? Or laugh because they so aren't catching on?

Some day, out of the blue, you are very likely to suddenly think, "I feel good." Maybe that isn't happiness, but accomplishment, satisfaction, moments of joy are a part of your life.

I was doubtful of future happiness for a long time. But, I untied my well-being from that of being married, even my role as a mom. My well-being is within my control. I might react unhappily to outside forces, but within me, I feel balance, the knowledge that I'm ok.

I know I'm probably not going to talk you into happiness today...but...keep an open mind and heart that down the road, you won't feel exactly like you do today.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Terrified

I know how sad you must feel at the moment. I'm not able to give you any advice on how you should deal with your situation and your pain - but believe me - you WILL feel happy again. Maybe even sooner than you think possible right now.
You WILL get through the grief and sorrow and even feel stronger and more confident then ever before.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Could it be that he has totally disconnected himself from who we were so easily? Can't believe it...
Out of sight, out of mind...

But he hasn't seen ME. Is that supposed to do anything to them??? Anything at all? Do WS's believe it's so over that it just doesn't matter? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe it is common for WS's to act like that? My WS seems to suddently have forgotten everything he liked about me and our life together. He's not the man I knew before the A.

You're in my prayers!

Hello Lor, Good to hear from you. Hope you're well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't think you'll be happy the day you see your daughter accomplish something wonderful, and know you were steadfastedly there for her all her life? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely but the sense of completeness of joy...I can't explain it but it's gone. Everything is always tinged with a bit of sadness. It's like I smile and always wish he was a part of it which brings on the sadness. Does that go away? It's been so long, Lor. I don't know what it feels like anymore to just feel "good", "whole", "unembarassed"...like I'm naked in front of a laughing audience...had dreams about this growing up.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a grumpy personality. Most days, no one knows anything about the negative except you dear MB'ers but I've become stoic in many ways...

Love to you

Hello Danish,

I must have been posting when you replied. Thank-you for your thoughts.

In my heart, I know that I will never feel complete because of my D, because I will have to share her according to "visitation" schedules or share her with the "OW" . I just can't accept this component because without my D, there is something missing to my day.

It will be a long time before this will be okay for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My WS seems to suddently have forgotten everything he liked about me and our life together. He's not the man I knew before the A.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely true and very sad...

Take care.