To stop the divorce or not? That is the problem facing me right now. I need to decide if I want to save my marriage and soon or the divorce will go through. The court told me the judgement of my case will be in 2 weeks. I can send a letter to hold or dismiss the case.

I start an INTENSE graduate program in 2 weeks also. My counselor says I should not be involved with W or OW right now and just focus on school. I know that I will need to make the decision. OW has shown me where she lives and introduced me to her kids, she is opening up now. Wife is still waiting for me to come back to her.
It is tearing me up inside.

blah,blah, blah,

1.If you have to ask then you should stop it.

2.You are getting ready to make a decision that will effect two people very profoundly that you obviously aren't sure about.

3.You ask the opinion of people on a very pro-marriage site what you should do.

Not to jump on you but...MARRIAGEBUILDERS. Most of us would kill to have a spouse, betrayed or wayward, willing to forgive and work on the marriage.

IMVHO...Suck it up, go home and deal with your wife and her feelings. Your school will be there, your wife and marriage might not. You need to be sincere in your decision to go back to your wife. Your wife has little control in this situation. This your decision and you'll have to live with the consequences either way. More than likely any regrets will be on your part since she is not choosing this.

You said your IC recommended not being involved with W or OW. I agree with the OW part. I suggest you get your head in your bible and "seek ye first the kingdom of God." I'd bet you a dollar that a good place to start is dropping the fantasy of the OW and recommiting to your marriage, even if it is INTENSE.

God Bless

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Decisions, decisions...

This is all about you isn't it? Do you even care whose lives you have trod on? Flip a coin and get it over with fcol!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> unreal!!

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

Where's Twyla and her flyswatter when we need her?

Originally posted by blah34 on May 2, 2003:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have gone to the end of the road in both relationships and these women are both ready to say "forget him, that two-timer". I was always so virtuous, and then I lost it all when I decided that casual sex and infidelity were my priorities, rather than facing marital problems and directly resolving them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How is it you knew the answer twenty-seven days ago but today you're clueless? Is it because you STILL haven't taken your own advice and dumped OW? What is it you want us to tell you? Nobody can make up your mind for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> To stop the divorce or not? That is the problem facing me right now. I need to decide if I want to save my marriage and soon or the divorce will go through. The court told me the judgement of my case will be in 2 weeks. I can send a letter to hold or dismiss the case.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So decide already! One way or another! Give one of these poor women a break! (And I'll leave it up to each of you MBers to decide what kind of break I'm talking about!) So you're starting grad school in two weeks? So what? Why does that render you incapable of making a decision about your marriage? How are you going to get through grad school if you are so indecisive anyway? I think the advice your counselor gave you sounds pretty bogus - if it's true, you need another counselor.

Grad programs are a dime a dozen. Wives who will put up with this kind of garbage are few and far between. Get your priorities in order. Decide what you want and don't keep your wife twisting in the wind any longer.

If you think you've got a snowball's chance in hell of having a fulfilling relationship with OW, you can forget it. Relationships that begin through deception and dishonesty have an extremely high failure rate because each partner knows just how untrustworthy the other is. Why would either of you treat the other any differently than you've already treated your current spouses?

It's no compliment to be chosen as an affair partner. Maybe you've insulted OW long enough.

You need to get your hand off your face, get out of self and look at everybody elses feelings. You are doing the same thing to both of them.

I agree with the statment if you have to thingk then dont do it

As the others here have said, you know the answer. I would guess that the answer you know isn't really the one you want to hear.

My husband tried playing both sides of the fence....was seeing OW behind my back for....well, he claims 6 months, but I've recently found things that make me think it was more like 1 1/2 to 2 years. He only told me because she was going to and he was beating her to it, in order to tell me he wanted to work on things with me.

He told me he had quit with her, because I had told him that I was done working on things until he completely ended it with her. (Sort of plan B, though I didn't know about this site at the time.) But he lied - he was really still seeing her the whole time.

Now I'm sitting around trying to figure out why he even bothered to say he wanted to work on things with me if he wasn't willing to meet my conditions, since I told him if he went back to her, we were done. The only thing I can come up with is that it was all about him. He figured he could do whatever he wanted, and I'd just fall in line.

What does all this have to do with you? Trust me...I went from begging him to stick around, and doing everything I could to make him happy, to seeing a lawyer and coming to terms with the fact that I will be divorced and there's no going back in the space of just a couple of months. There is only so much of the selfishness and playing one against the other that a person can take.

If you love your wife, you may not have many more chances left - she will get tired of feeling like she has to compete for her own husband. You'd better make up your mind, or you will find that the choice will no longer be yours to make.

Blah,

I very rarely post anymore, but your recent posts (plural) now compel me to respond. I am assuming you are starting the grad program to better your employment prospects. As an exec in a MAJOR global company, who has completed a VERY intensive grad program, I can tell you that your indecisiveness with regard to your personal life would cause me not to look at you twice - for grad program or hiring purposes. Your thought processes are immature and illogical at best. Get a grip on it and grow up.

You are wreaking havoc on two people's lives. Pardon the expression, but defecate or get off the pot.

Brit's Brat/BS-42
WH-43
DS-19 months
Status: One Day At A Time

To stop the divorce or not?

Whatever. You choose. You'll still be you either way.

Jeeeezzo-man...blah...you take the cake...

you got a counselor telling you to drop all human contact and relationships (the good the bad and the ugly)...and just get your behind focused in your INTENSE grad SCHOOL!!!...

There's the type of counselors we don't have nor see enough of ...the ones that tell you what you want to hear...
AND make sure you pay them money to tell you that yes the world does exist and revolve only around you...
AND that if poor itty bitty you find hurting HUMAN BEINGS and then leaving them in your WAKE all because you need to get to INTENSE GRAD SCHOOL!!!is a good choice...then you certainly have found yourself one heck of a good counselor...

AND
imagine all the new friends you will make...all basking in the misery and gloom and doom of INTENSE grad school where the earth only revolves around you and new fellow class mates
... and the long discussions you and your new SOUL MATES in INTENSE GRAD SCHOOL will have.... should i get the beemer or the lexus SUV after graduation???

And all the while in INTENSE GRAD SCHOOL...you can keep paying your counselor good money to tell you that you made the right choice only focusing and worrying and taking care of you..regardless of who you have hurt in your past...

are you laughing yet??? Cause I am...I nearly fell off my chair...when I read about your INTENSE GRAD program...

BLAH>...you need to decide that being a decent compassionate human being...holds greater meaning than all this other garbage and baggage you want to drag with you....

I think INTENSE GRAD school is a great way out...
I think you will always have something dangling in front of you like a carrot to avoid the real you, you are running from...

I don't think you like the real you...so you keep re-inventing you with external things....Other woman...(you and her...pretty INTENSE HUH??)
.. INTENSE GRAD school..it will be INTENSE JOB POWER searching...then INTENSE networking...then INTENSE money mangagement...

your whole life can be one INTENSE thing after another....whew....aren't you tired yet???

Aren't you scared that while you say you are so scared of what if's... what if my wife doesn't change and work out... what if the OW is the real true one for me... what if I'm better off alone... what if intense grad school is to to to... INTENSE ??????

That it is you that create, seek and pursue all these what if's...

WHAT IF BLAH ...life isn't about settling at all with any one or thing external...WHAT IF life is really about liking yourself enough...to be still and quiet with yourself...and learn to love others gently with respect....
WHAT IF all you really need BLAH to be happy is in YOU....and you never stop to find out....cause life is to INTENSE>>>>

I am NOT beating you up...even if you think you I am......look if you have lost your sense of humor about some of this...then you are doomed...
cause I hope you can that life is really not this self created intense thing you have going here....

blah you are cracking me up...

fix what you have broken before you just run from it...because it is our actions that define us...not the diplomas on the wall...

ARK

blah, blah, blah

ark said

I don't think you like the real you...so you keep re-inventing you with external things....

That right there is true for a lot of people. I believe my conselor said these words to me too (as one should when it is that obvious). Some one else kind of mentioned about the "you" would still be there in the next relationship. Takes me back to that saying "Wherever you go , there you'll be." for some reason when someone says that it has to be said with a country accent. If you don't change then nothing else you do will either. New woman, job, degree or whatever. it is still the old you with the same framing and foundation with a new coat of paint.

Blah

I have caught up on your other threads (finally) and this one today.

I wish I could say something useful or helpful to you, but everytime I try (and the others here), it seems that you don't hear what is being said. Or, you do hear, but you choose not to listen.

No-one on this site will tell you to leave you W and go and be with OW. The fact that your W is still offering you the chance to be with her is to my mind, unbelievable. On your last thread you talked about her anger - she has every right to be angry, and no reason whatsoever to start supporting you whilst you continue to lie and cheat. I didn't lie and cheat after d-day, I stopped immediately pretty much. I realised the pain and suffering I caused. Withdrawal was deep and hurt, and every other day my H would shriek abuse at me, and rant and rave. This was only just the start of things - I don't want to go into it now (if you're interested you can check my old threads), but you know what? Not once did I think "Oh poor me, here I am in withdrawal, and H is being so mean to me". I realised I was in withdrawal, I realised it hurt, but I also knew that H's hurt and pain was deep deep deep.

Your question whether to DV or not is your decision and yours alone. If you decide NC with OW and to work on your M you will have the support and care of the people here. If you decide to go wtih OW, you won't, and your current situation will become increasingly worse as you will eventually realise about the bad choices you have made, and this will affect you deeply.

When I asked you about the concept of NC earlier, it was because you clearly didn't understand that NC means you write a letter (not a love letter/if it doesn't work out I'll be back), but a letter stating clearly and concisely that your A is wrong, and you intend to repair the damage you have done to you M. You post the letter and that's it - you work on your M. You don't send poems and cards and talk about being together again one day. It hurts, yes, I'm not denying that, but are you happy and pain free now??????

Blah, I hope that some of my comments over the last few weeks have helped you. There are some things I have said which seem to sink in, but I'm afraid that until you start taking responsibility for your own actions, I can't help you anymore. I find it too painful and draining to read about your continued contact with OW and the indecision. I can't imagine the pain you are inflicting on your W - as I say I find it hard enough to read.

Take care, and please please, make your choices, and make them soon. You are continuing to damage
3 lives - your W, OWs and your own.

Lisa

P.S. Can you not see how manipulative OW is? As you try to pull away, she dangles the old family carrot which has been a huge bone of contention for you. Call me cynical, but funny how that just happens to coincide.

bump>>

Do you love your W? I'm pretty sure the answer is going to be I don't know.

Let's deal with what you do know...

You have a woman (OW) with whom you can begin a new relationship... scary isn't it.... someone you have no real committment to...

OR

You have a W who is willing to take you back after what you've done, and possibly help heal your M.

I think you want to stop the D. You wouldn't be here asking otherwise.

I'll tell you the same thing I told my H... and as it turns out I was right... if you make the committment to end your A, your feelings for your W, through a series of inevitable events, will change.