I have some questions. I am the betrayed, I just talked with my H. He has said for the past 3 weeks, since discovery, that he doesn't even want to work on our marriage. He has moved in w/ow. When I just talked to him, I asked him if ever in the past 3 weeks if he had even thought that he doesn't want this to end this way and he said yes. Is this a good sign?<P>He also said that he couldn't forgive himself for doing what he has done. I feel that is part of the reason he doesn't want to try. Is this something that other betrayers felt? <P>He told me that he doesn't want me to take the blame for him being unhappy and having this affair. I figure that this is pretty normal also. I told him I will wait as long as he needs, because I know that he isn't ready yet, but I'll be here when he is. <P>Am I just reading something into this that really isn't there, or is there really some hope in this hell I am living in?

Why did he move in with OW? Did he leave, did you kick him out?<P>As long as he's right there with her it's gonna be a tough road for you both to find each other again.<P>Yes, I think he hasn't given up from what you say in your post. But... he's getting her and you (kinda) right now. He hasn't begun the withdrawl process yet. That's real hell on earth. <P>Love him back into your marriage. This is the time to be super loving (when you feel like spitting nails, I know). Tell him you love him lots, and be there when he needs you. I know it sounds very one-sided and unfair. It is. But it's worth it in the end if you want your marriage back.<P>Best wishes...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Thanks for the reply! He moved out, I didn't kick him out. <P>I talk to him every couple of days and repeatedly tell him I love him and I will be here when he is ready. I know he isn't ready now, but am hoping he will be. <P>He is having a hard time dealing with how our dd feels about him. She won't talk to him on the phone. They used to be really close, but she feels abandoned now. She hasn't seen him in 3 weeks.<P>I will give and give until I can give no more. I want our marriage to work. I think right now he is still confused and he hasn't really thought about the consequences of his actions. I pray that he will soon.<P>Thanks for the response.

Mitme...I am a betrayer. I always hate to admit that. It is only one month since my affair was disclosed to my W. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for me to really think about my marriage if I had moved in with the OW. I think that for me it would be impossible to look back. I think that, only because there would be too many feelings going on inside. <BR>A: Guilt that I had cheated.<BR>B: Guilt that I had left all those at home.<BR>C: Fear that my "new relationship" might not last.<BR>D: Feelings of love for the OW.<BR>I am sure I could go on and lay out the alphabet. I think you have a long wait on your hands, but I think you believe it is worth waiting for(at this point anyway). I must say to you not to let go of anything you believe in, as far as your love for him. Maybe he will see, by your being caring and there for him, that it was really dumb for him to have left you for OW. I hope that you will be okay through all of your struggles. There are a lot of incredible people here in this site, that have a lot of great info, and a lot of understanding. All you need to do is ask and they/we will be here for you.<P>------------------<BR>We stumble and fall sometimes, and that hurts. But it is the most incredible realization when you look and see that it was your spouse that picked you back up......<P>Take care of and Love each other.....Arik<P><BR>

Thanks you for your input. I really and truly want this marriage to work. I am willing to wait as long as necessary. <P>I have a really difficult time dealing with the fact that he is with her. I know that it will be really difficult for us to rebuild, but don't think it will last for very long. 3 weeks ago, he didn't want to even try. Now he is thinking that he may not have done the right thing. He is feeling so very guilty and won't let go of the guilt. I honestly believe that with some time, he will realize that he should be here and home with his family who loves him. I have been sending him cards and letters and trying to keep him in the loop as far as family things, hoping that he will come to the understanding the this is where he should be. I know I can't force him to come home, but letting him know I love him and am here, certainly can't hurt.<P>Thanks for the help.<P>Sheryl W.

mitme, I see so many positives in your post. I.e...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He also said that he couldn't forgive himself for doing what he has done. I feel that is part of the reason he doesn't want to try. Is this something that other betrayers felt?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Forgiving oneself is the most major part of the battle. I was the betrayer in my marriage, and I had one hard time with this, still am. I can only say what I've been through and perhaps what your husband is going through? I hated myself for what I did, and what I realized I was capable of doing. I had a monogamous mindset, and this was a blow to my self esteem, and I was the one who caused it! You have to regroup and come to terms with it and then take steps to heal and learn from it. Some of us I would imagine will stay in the guilt phase, thinking we're not worth our spouse's love. But this is negative and hurts not only us but our spouse as well. When I thought of it in terms of helping my H to forgive myself, that was when I could actually start forgiving myself. Taking the focus off of me and transferring it onto my H. <P>So sorry you're having to go through this. <p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited November 11, 1999).]

Thanks Connor. I am really trying hard to understand the whys and hows of all of this. <P>I think I am hearing positive things in the things he tells me, but then don't want to be reading something into it that isn't really there. <P>I am trying to be positive about it all and to let him know that I am not about to give up on us yet. When I told him that tonight, he hesitated, then changed the subject. <P>I just don't want him to close the door on us. I will be patient as long as necessary, no matter how hard it is. <P>How do I know that he hasn't completely given up? When he left, he said there was no hope, now he is telling me that he isn't sure how he feels now. That is a good sign to me, but I want to be able to read the signs when I see/hear them.<P>Are the love letters and cards beneficial? I want him to know how things are here, but am I telling him too much? I hope he feels terrible about how our 5yr dd feels. She is miserable. She has nightmares. Is telling him this a lovebuster?<P>Thanks for all the kind words.<P>Sheryl W.

Sheryl, I can hear the pain in what you've written. It's hard, and I understand you don't want to misread what he's saying and take it for something else, whether it be negative or positive. Taking it positively puts you in the position of being let down, I know how that feels. <P>When I read your last post, I really feel like you have such a good grasp on all of this. You know the limits of what you can take from him, and yet you're willing to be there for him for however long it takes. Telling him your daughter is having problems with this is not a lovebuster, IMO. He needs to realize what his actions have caused. I also believe that he needs to be held accountable for what he's done.<P>This is a hard time for you, and I know you must be going through some major confusion here. The love letters and cards...is he showing you signs of positive feedback when you do this? Or have you not done this thus far? It's hard to answer these questions without knowing what he's feeling. I guess I'm just thinking that he's the one who needs to do the work here, and you're left with it. Makes me kind of mad for some reason :-) <P>Let me know if you want to talk.<p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited November 11, 1999).]

Sheryl-<P>From my personal experience, you may want to remind your husband that since your marriage has been shaken with this event, that your behavior is not always universal. He is a very fortunate man to have a wife that wants to "Hang In" and be patient and still has the ability to feel love for him.<P>After I betrayed, I felt the guilt and the "pain" your husband describes...and I knew it was wrong and yet as I think as many men who have betrayed will tell you they still can "Rationalize" and "Compartmentalize" their behavior in light of what emotional needs are not being met in their marriage.<P>Tell him he needs to really understand the fact of how fortunate he is.<P>In my case, after I confessed my behavior, Plan A lasted 60 days and those 60 days never included any conversation from my wife about wanting to make it, that she still cared for and loved me and wanted to try to be patient.<P>During the 60 days of Plan A, I slipped backward and saw the OW once.<P>That prompted an immediate Plan B which lasted only 7 days and then the papers were filed.<P>So, each couple is unique in how the decide to come back and fight or let the initial explosion destroy any chance of coming back.<P>You are a unique lady and you husband is a very, very lucky man. Please pass that on to him. He needs to clearly understand that fact righ now!<P>Hope you and your husband find your way back to your marriage and partnership.<P>The best to both of you.<P>mr rlk

Thanks again for all the help!!!<P>Connor, I am hurting very badly, but not as badly as I would be if I didn't try. We have been through a lot in our 6 yrs together. I am not willing to throw it away.<P>At this point, I am hurt, but I haven't really experienced the anger yet. I just want to get past the hurt. I have never experienced this severe of pain in my entire life. <P>I am trying to tell him, in little bits and pieces about how dd feels. She adores him, or at least used to. Now she won't talk to him on the phone, she has agreed to leave him a message on his voice mail tomorrow. She just told me, her quote "Mommy, I made Daddy leave, because I didn't do what he said to do. I am sorry." I want him to understand how she is feeling and why she feels this way, and that she doesn't know how to cope with her feelings. I want him to feel her pain also. He told his father the other day that he didn't see himself ever coming back to the relationship because nobody here wants to talk to him. I talked to him after that and explained that she needs time and to not give up on her. However, today he sounded like he had not closed the door on us completely. I hope that with time he will realize the huge mistake he has made and try to make it up to all of us.<P>As far as the cards, I left one in his car on Tuesday night. I also left a picture that dd drew of herself for him, with tears on her cheek and it said I miss you, Dad. She also wrote a letter to him telling him she wanted him home and she missed him. In my card I just told him that I am sorry for the things I did to contribute to the reasons he did this and I would be here when he needs me. When I talked to him tonight, he didn't say anything about the letter I wrote to him. So I don't know if he is happy about it or doesn't want any more or just thinks of it as pressure to come home. I hope it doesnt' make matters worse, but I just have to try something.<P><BR>I really don't mind doing all of the work at this point, if it will work.<P>Thanks again, I really appreciate your words of inspiration.<P>mrrlk, thanks for the input. I am trying really hard to keep us together. He isn't ready to work on it, but hope he will soon. I know that it may never happen. I will stay in PlanA as long as I can as I knowhim well enough to know that if I go into planB, he will shut down completely. He is the kind of person that "out of sight, out of mind" is the perfect description. He has done that before and never looked back. I have to stay active in this relationship. I will continue to work on it until I can't do it any more, then whatever happens happens. I don't even want to think about that thought.<P>I want to tell him how lucky he is to have a family that will support him through anything and everything, but he would just look at it as being self-centered. I hope he will see it on his own, very soon.<P>Thanks again for all the support.

Just another question....I have all the questions, just none of the answers.<P>I have been contemplating sending him some of the articles from the MB website, like the one on the effects of affairs on children. I don't know if this would be a lovebuster or not. I would be lucky if he would read it, but was thinking that if he saw it in black and white, he may think a little harder about how things stand right now. <P>Sheryl W.

Hi, Mitme. Hard place to be, isn't it? I'm in pretty much the same position as you. H moved out 8/5 and in w/ PT on 9/1. <P>I do the same things. A nice letter once a week or so, slipping in an I love you. Rarely get to see him. He waffles all over the place, from wishing he had never moved out to wishing he had never married me.<P>As someone once said here "Strap on your seatbelt and HOLD ON!"<P>You may want to wait on sending him MB information until you're sure HE'S interested in reading it. Could be contrued as a lecture and that's a big disrespectful lovebuster!!! If your being part of this group comes up in conversation and he shows some interest then - absolutely, but only with his permission.<P>Best of luck to you. We're all pulling for you.<P>Lori

Thanks Lostva,<BR>I appreciate your thoughts on this. I am just delighted to hear him say that he has at least thought this isn't what he really wants. At first, he said "no way,no how", but last night there was just a trickle of hope in what he said. I am certainly not thinking that he is going to be coming home right now. I just don't want him to completely shut down all hope of rebuilding.<P>I know that I can't force him to have anything to do with dd, but I never in my wildest dreams thought that he would turn away from her. I tell her every day that he loves her and wants to see her, but she is not buying it at all. She is extremely bright and no one can pull the wool over her eyes. When I tell her that he wants to see her, she replies that if he wanted to see her, he could use the time he spends with ow. Last night she told me it was all her fault because she didn't do what Daddy told her to. I told her that had nothing to do with him leaving....didn't believe it. I keep trying, but don't want her to think I am lying to her like her dad is.<P>Thanks again for the support.<P>Sheryl W.

Sheryl-<P>You are doing what you have to do...and that is o.k.! As I said in my previous post, he is a lucky man and may not understand that yet but someday he will. The one thing I learned that you may want to consider is the impact and scope of "Love Busters" Staying and "Hanging In" to try and make it work seems to obviously have a better chance of success if love busters are minimized. You have made me realize that "Love Busting" does not prevent you from understanding and coming to terms with your feelings. Anger and pain seem to be a couple of the two biggest drivers of "Love Busting" behavior. Feeling angry is one dimension or what you are going through and have every right to communicate to your husband. Acting out that anger seems to be where the "Busting" impact takes hold.<P>You seem to be providing a caring and open attitude in a situation that is hard not to strike back with anger and bitterness. I admire how you have chose to behave in a situation that is very painful and challenging. I know that it may not provide you any comfort but it is obvious to me that you are living what you believe to be right and the correct path for you...and are providing for the highest chance of success for your marriage to rebuild and be back on the road to your partnership.<P>Do you think your husband feels the openness, caring and support you are offering him to give your marriage the greatest chance for success and rebuilding?<P>Continued success and progress as you try to find the path back.<P>I'm pulling for you and your husband. Success and "Win" / "Win" outcomes here are sadly not always the outcome so I'm in your corner from the get go!<P>mr rlk<P>

mr rlk, <BR>I am trying really hard. You asked if he felt the openness, caring, and support that I am contributing....well, I am not sure at this point. I have out and out told him that I am not willing to give up yet. I know that he is not ready to work on us yet, but will be here when he is. He knows that I am trying, but don't think that he understands just how much I am willing to do.<P>Last night when I talked to him, I asked him if he had ever in the past few weeks even thought that this is not necessarily what he wants. He said that he has thought that a couple of times. But he also said that he tries NOT to think about it. There goes that out of sight out of mind thing again. I just pray a lot that he will "wake up" very soon.<P>Thanks for the support. <P>Sheryl W.