I dont know if anyone remembers my last post its on page 3 now, i think?
but my h has been calling everynight, wanting just to talk or most nights he wants to b with me,im not complaining like i said in my last post i like that he is calling me,and we are sneeking off together to be alone, i dont tell anyone and im sure he doesnt especially ow! we stay out late, and i dont leave till the kids are in bed, asleep. so i know he is going to work tired and im wondering what he is telling ow as too why he is so tired, i know he is not saying oh i spent the night making love to my wife! and all the time together is quality time, we laugh talk, enjoy each other something i just realised we havent been doing, it also made me realise that i wasnt meeting one of his EN wich is the phisical attractiveness, ive lost alot of weight because of this, had to bye new clothes and started really taking better care of myself, so when he first left he said he didnt want me like he used to anymore,he didnt want to b with me, but now he cant seem to get enough,he wrote me a letter a while back and said i never cared about your shape but i just wanted to tell you you look prettty damm good sometimes i see you and i just feel like raping you, (PLEASE, no one get offended)and i was always the one who would call him, but i decided i wasnt going to any more so i dont call him at all, now it is him doing the calling,and he finds excuses to come by the house, it seems things are turning around but then again i dont want to think too much of it, and im also wondering about his ea with ow its been about 10 months since it started mabey more could he b getting bored with her? or mabey she is starting to LB? im just concerned because i read some of the other posts and bs say how they regret not going to plan b sooner, does it sound like i stay in plan a or do you think i should start thinking about plan b? please help me out i really dont want to make any mistakes on this, right now it feels pretty good the way things are because it finally feels like hes the one wanting to b with me, wich is totally different from the way things have been HELP!!!PLEASE??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> `

Hi Malcswife,

Good to hear from you. Now you are seeing him move towards you and the family but you have to see past that. Is this enough? Should it be? Is it fair for you and the family as is? It maybe better than before but remember your worth.

Take it slowly. Breathe slowly and still pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

U know once before when a BS here at MB saw her WSH make some progress, some of us told her we were happy but advised caution. I know because I was one of the first to do so.

I put myself right out there on the front lines and she verbally bashed me up side the head for not wanting to see her happy..... made me wonder if I should continue to do so. Hm.... well from what I experienced and have seen is that while the BS sooo much wants to see positive steps there is a great tendancy to see more than what is there. What happened? Well in less than 2 weeks, he left her and her recovery took a few steps back.

What did I learn from this? Well like in my case, I had to learn patience. I had to realize that setbacks could happen and it is better to be cautious. This has helped me save my santity. I advocate caution even now.

I do hope that your recovery is what is healthy for you. I also hope that your H opens his eyes soon.

Should you go to plan B? At this point, you have to take a pulse of where you are at. The purpose of plan B is for you to protect your love. Do you need to do this?

take care,

L.

<small>[ May 31, 2003, 12:14 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

ORCHID, first of all thanks for answering, thank you thank you!
the purpose of plan b is to protect my love for H,
and right now it is still very strong,and im trying to b very cautious, because ive been here before when he was here in the house, and i would notice changes and think things were getting better then i would discover something new and just get so hurt and feel like such a fool!
i know he is noticing changes in me and i hope he likes them if he dont i know i do! i feel so much better about myself,and i know its because of me it has nothing to do with the way he feels about me, kids had a talent show last night at svhool he came and we watched the kids, i would turn towards him and kept catching him staring at me! dont know what that was about? dont know if i should feel good about it or not?
he went out drinking last night, and he needed a ride home so he called me at 4 in the morn, i told him i would take him home, i picked him up and i asked him were should i take you? he lives inthe city and i didnt want to go that far, i told him i would take him to his moms since she is nearby, he said cant i just go to your house? i said i dont know, how about i just take you to your moms? its too confusing for the kids. i used to let him come and stay, and he would sleep in the kids room, so i thought that is what he meant, but then he says,are you sure? i said yeah, he said how about if i only sleep on the couch then? it took me awhile to realise he wanted to spent his time here in our bed with me. i told him no some of the kids are there,he just got quiet, i looked at him and saw tears in his eyes, but i didnt give in i know how hard it would b for the kids to see him here and then they will think he is coming home.
you said remember my worth, and that is something i am just now starting to do,a few weeks ago i would have just said ok to him because i would b thinking one night would b better than none at all, but now i think why should i settle for one night i want you here for the rest of my life!
im trying to b careful, really but it is so hard how do i do it? how do i keep from having too much hope? how do i stop believing in something i want so bad? how do i protect myself from getting hurt? without taking a chance. im scared again <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Malcswife,

Good to hear from you. So where did he stay?

Remember that right now you are setting the pattern for things to come. Is telling him it is not a good time to let him come home under the current circumstances healthy for you and the children? Yes. For him? IMHO yes, even he might agree.

Believe it or not my H said that he benefitted when I put my foot down. Now not all do this but the fact that he came to tears may say that he realized it also.

IMHO, your H now has to ponder whether he is worthy to be a family member. The next time he is able to come and 'visit' your family's home, he will have greater appreciation.

Most BS' have a hard time with this concept. Remember we are dealing with someone who looks like our mate but their mind and heart is NOT that of our loved one.... not right now.

Is it loving for you to tell him NOT to come? Yes. What kind of love? Tough love.

How he reacts will tell you where he is at emotionally and mentally. If he gets angry at you for inconviencing him then more the reason to keep him away. If he understands then he will stay away and work on showing all of you that he is worthy to be in your family's company. Chances are he will then be able to come home with the respect an H and father deserve.

Are you all better than he is right now? Yes. You and your family deserve a good H and father. Can he be that one? He can. The choice is his.

I am proud of you but realize this was very hard for you. Work with your support group to help you all stay strong. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

If your H understands why you had to say no, then you can let him know a bit later that you appreciate his understanding..... showing compassion without giving him free reign can make good progress in clearing up the fog.

U R on the right track.

At least, that is my opinion. Don't just take my word for it. Find out what makes sense to you and then figure out what you can do. That is putting your knowledge to work and turning it into wisdom.

take care,
L.

Malcswife,
You are sounding so much stronger these days!
Continue taking good care of yourself and looking out for the best interests of your children and WH will surely notice.
This is all so painful, knowing that WH cares but that he continues to fencesit.
YOu are getting good advice from Orchid.
Stay the course.
I'll be thinking of you and checking in.

ORCHID,
he spent the night at his room in the city i ended up driving him in his car, and then i kept the car and picked him up in the morning.
you are right orchid, this is our life the kids and mine!and now i think he is the one feeling left out, and we dont always have to feel sorry for him and let him back he made his choice and iknow some day he will regret it, if he doesnt already.we all love him but we are better of without him, at least the man he is right now when i feel myself feeling sad because im thinking of him and ow i just tell myself SO WHAT!! let them b together i know he will never b truly happy as long as he has to live with the fact that he deserted the 6 people who loved and believed in him the most!!
something happened yesterday we had a party for my daughter and we were all together h too. he left early he said he had plans to meet a friend, we stayed at the park for awhile longer then i had to take d friends home, we were driving around dropping off kids, had the radio on loud we were all having a good time, and who do i see coming towards us,H! and the kids saw him and said hey there is daddy! h got closer and we all saw it! there sitting next to him was OW!!! the kids all gassped and said there is someone with him!! i was so upset i was so close to turning around to chase him! i was so upset i was ready to crack!! i drove around awhile and i asked the kids who was with him they said it was a ladie mom!! i told them buckle up! we are going into the city, and all they kept saying was why ? mom no, we dont want to ! hearing there voices callmed me down, and i realised i cant do this to them. they dont need to deal with this. so i brought them home and drove myself to my bishops house. muy daughter was really hurt well i think they were all stunned, but my 10 year old d came in and started cleaning everything, i know it was because she had all these feelings and didnt know what to do about it. im wondering how is this going to affect there relationship w there dad i know it hurt them, my 8 d said she feels like her daddy doesnt care abut her anymore, and i didnt know what to say to that? what do i do?
learning i was glad to hear from have been wondering about you, i do feel so much stronger, cant really say why though, prayer helps alot, and of course my children, my sonis so cute hes really stepped up and became the man of the house he helps me load up the groceries and do liitle stuff like that, yesterday when shopping for the party he loaded up th whole cart with the stuff we bought, i know it was heavy and he was getting tired, but he did it all by him self! i was so proud of him! and had to hold back the tears, i just love them all so much! it makes me feel bad that h doesnt even know what he is missing,and when they are all grown and become caring loving adults whose going to take all the credit? ME OF COURSE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />