May 31st - one year anniversary of d-day, and the beginning of our separation

June 1st - 13 years since my H and I started dating

Where am I today? I am on the verge of divorce, but I still love my H. I shed some tears tonight as I posted on a thread under "in recovery" ("You can love your spouse and still have an A"). Then I sat and watched some footage of our summer vacation in 2001. We were happy together, we really were. I wish I had known enough to show him more appreciation so he never would've added not one but two close female friends to our lives. I wish I'd set boundaries in my life, and made it clear that I couldn't live with him being so close to other women. I wish I had chosen more wisely and never cheated on him. I wish so many things, but the harsh reality at this point is that I love my H, the man he was. I do not love who he is now or how he treats me now. Who he is now and how he treats me now is his choice, but it is also the result of my selfish choice to have an affair. I fear the old H is gone forever, and so I must move on. I deserve to be loved and treated well, and sadly I doubt that my H will be willing to provide this for me again. And so I am going to meet with him soon to draw up some financial details for a legal separation and then file shortly thereafter for a divorce.

I just pray we both don't live our lives and then when we're both old and gray run into each other and fall into each other's arms and say, gee, we loved each other so much, why did we choose to grow old apart and not together?

I am thankful that I've come to a new level of awareness in my life, but I'm still sad for what I've lost, for what we've lost.

I found out today that OM has most likely taken a job at another school, so he will be out of my life too. I should be tapdancing, this is very good news, but for some reason it makes me feel kind of sad and guilty too. He and his wife have had their lives permanently and painfully damaged too.

Right now I just long to be with the happy, smiling, gentle loving man I just watched on video tape. I want to lie in his arms and hear him tell me that he loves me. But you can't always have what you want, not if you don't cherish and protect it.

Cherish and protect your love for your spouses folks, if you have the privilege of being with them still.

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jen

Your post seemed so similar to mine not so long back about loosing a way of life. We have our regrets and our fears, we love people as they were, but not as they are now, we were happy, we were sad. We realise we messed up big time but there really isn't much more we can do.

Jen, you are now at the point where your personal recovery can truly begin. You accept all those things with a sadness (which is right), but the realisation that it's time to let go and be loved and love again someday. You and I, Kily, H_P and all the other FWS out there know our mistakes and live with them, but we have learnt. Sadly our spouses haven't and they crash headlong into the next disaster. And believe me it will be. I still love my H - the one that I married, not the one who he is today, and whilst the damage I did to him was fundamental and raw, he continues that damage by not facing up to his responsibilities and issues and his inappropriately hasty decisions in moving in with Shiney Head and alienating his children. That is not my fault.

Live with this sadness now Jen, but forgive yourself and move on with the knowledge you have done as much as you possibly could. One day when the time is right, you will want to share your life again, but celebarte now in being Jen, the new and improved better version Jen. I do, I refer to the "old" Lisa and the "new" Lisa. The old Lisa wasn't too bad, in fact she was pretty nice, but she made some terrible decisions and choices that not only affected her deeply but the man she loved. The new Lisa has learnt well, and recognises that we all mistakes (big, bad ones sometimes) - it's how we handle them and what we learn that truly matters.

Thinking of you Jen, keep your chin up.

Lisa

I found out today that OM has most likely taken a job at another school, so he will be out of my life too. I should be tapdancing, this is very good news, but for some reason it makes me feel kind of sad and guilty too.

So, is the OM still in your life right now..while he is living there? He will be out of your life once he moves? Do you feel sad because you will no longer have him nor your H? I can imagine where the guilt comes into play.

I have to admit that I was a little bit taken aback when you brought him up in that fashion (not having him in your life TOO). You were sounding a little bit like "blah34" there.

Are you still in contact with him?

These issues might be irrelevant, but you might want to think about them.

As Always, JMHO
committed

Indeed Lisa, I guess we both have come to that point where we have our regrets but know it's time to move on. Thanks for your encouragement.

committed - OM and I still work at the same school, but I have not had any one on one interaction with him since last June. I cut off all contact with him that wasn't necessary due to professional situations. The closest contact we've had has been in meetings, or walking past each other in the hallway or staff room. No conversations, and no relationship at all. I am offended that you think I sound like blah34, who is in a VERY different place than I am. I just feel a bit guilty that I get to continue teaching in this great school and OM has to leave, although I am very much relieved that he is leaving. By the way, I doubt he is "moving", we live in a big city, and there are hundreds of schools, he's likely to be just changing schools.

Jen

((( JEN )))

I've done some really horrible things in my life .... but, I did nearly all of them before I was married .... so, being married at age 31 does have it's advantages.

I had to forgive myself too Jen. It makes no sense to carry guilt once you recognize your faults and make the necessary improvements.

Sometimes guilt can become self-indulgent if it's used to avoid a courageous step forward.

Do your guilt, learn your stuff, and then step forward to your next lesson.

I did stuff that was so self destructive, it's hard to even recognize my "old Pepper" ....

As long as you don't get as ancient as I am .... and still make the same mistakes .... THAT would be gross! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Jen, you don't know it yet, but you are a super great lady .... emerging from your past.

Go for it!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ June 01, 2003, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Jen,

My intention wasn't to offend you. I said "sounded a little bit" as in, being upset about BOTH people being gone from his life and wanting to have both in his life. He is on another planet, you are not.

I was hoping to get you thinking to see if that figured into the equation.

It is good that you have had NO contact.

committed

I just this past week pulled out my old journals.

I read this there...I think it was from my counselor:

Guilt is meant to take us to the point that we change our behavior. After that is serves no purpose.

Also in my journal:
Happily married? The goal is to be happy. It doesn't matter whether or not I am married. Happiness does not hinge on a spouse. It is within one's self.

Strive for that happiness within yourself Jen.

God Bless,

Susan

<small>[ June 01, 2003, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Jen,

I remember reading many of your posts when I was DanniC. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

At the risk of sounding ignorant (of your story) or insensitive, where are you and your H right now? Are the two of you still speaking? Does he ever talk about wanting you back? Has there been any intimacy between you? Is it possible for the two of you to start dating again? Is there any chance of him not going through with the separation?

If not....

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OK?
Jen, I think you're great.... I would have walked through fire if it would mean my FWH would show the kind of remorse you have. I hate to think you're being tortured and his love being held hostage in exchange for the opportunity to see you jump through hoops.

Have you ever spoken to any of these female friends of his? Do they know what he's doing to a very salvageable M?

"Sometimes guilt can become self-indulgent if it's used to avoid a courageous step forward." Thanks for pointing that out Pep, the guilt I was feeling earlier is just a little bit of a pity party I guess.

"As long as you don't get as ancient as I am .... and still make the same mistakes .... THAT would be gross!" Hey! 31 sure better not be ancient, I am 30!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

committed: I've thought about what you posted a bit more. If I'm honest with myself, I guess I'll miss the idea of OM being around and being attracted to me. I don't want a relationship with him, but it was an ego boost that he desired me way back when.

Susan, I do see the need to find happiness within myself before I can be happy with anyone else. That's my mission!

TheLady (DanniC), oh me oh my, you haven't been around for a while have you? I'll try to answer your questions as briefly as possible, but those are a lot of questions.....

"where are you and your H right now? Are the two of you still speaking?" We are still separated (have been living apart since Aug. 2002). The last time I saw/spoke to him he freaked out and said I wouldn't hear from him again until it was time to draw up Dv papers. See this link for more on that last confrontation: "What's your take on my H's crazy behaviour now?"

"Does he ever talk about wanting you back? "
I've never heard him say he wanted me back, EVER.

"Has there been any intimacy between you? "
I almost have to laugh at that question. Yes, there has, secrect sexual rendez-vous at his house or my apt. are the only form of contact he's been willing to have with me during our separation, except for one dinner out in November, and that was to a fairly fast food style restaurant. I've been moaning and complaining about how he's treated me like his sex-toy for months, with no intention of really working on our marriage.

"Is it possible for the two of you to start dating again?" I have tried asking him this repeatedly all year long from August until I gave up asking a few weeks back. He is not willing to be seen in public with me. But he IS willing to be seen in public with his female friends. GRRR.

"Is there any chance of him not going through with the separation?" We have been legally separated since May 31, 2002. Is there any chance of him not being willing to mutually agree upon what to put in a legally binding separation agreement? Sure there's a chance.

"Have you ever spoken to any of these female friends of his? Do they know what he's doing to a very salvageable M? " I have spoken to them before. I have not spoken to "C" since our separation began (this is the one my H has tried to label as potential future wife material, and that he lived with for 2 weeks last June, etc.) I have not spoken to "A" for a couple of months, she and I sort of remained friends, but I stopped contacting her because I realized that her close friendship with my H is meeting EN's of his that I can't since she's meeting them, and in short, she's preventing us from reconciling, no matter whether she thinks she's just being a good friend to us both or not. I've never pointed out to either of them that their behaviour is preventing us from reconciling. I guess my attitude is either my H wakes up and decides I'm more important than them, or I don't want him. I guess I've felt that I shouldn't have to deal with his "bi#$@es" as he calls them. I think you're the first person ever to suggest I approach them! I'll have to ponder that one a bit.

"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OK? " I am going to keep busy with my friends like I have been for the entire time I've been separated. I'm going to keep myself healthy and active in things I enjoy, and get on with life. I will be okay.

Phew! That was a lot of typing. Hope that catches you up on things!

Thanks again for the encouragement everyone. I'm much more cheerful today thankfully. I typed up my list of things I plan to ask my H for in our separation agreement, so I can drop by his place whenever I am ready (I'm thinking tomorrow). Really, I'm going in there with the intent of finalizing details for our sep. agreement and divorce, not with asking him again if he wants to be with me. I've had enough. He'll have to suddenly say that he thinks he still loves me or wants to try to work at things and tell me exactly how he plans to do that, or we're just going to talk division of assets, and that's the end.

Jen