Here goes....
I am a soldier who was called to war at possibly the worst time for me to go anywhere without my wife. She was at the same time called up. We are now half a world apart which sets the stage for our very difficult situation.
We got married last Nov. after having lived together for about a year and a half. The conditions of our relationship were never ideal as I had many military obligations and so did she during that time. We quickly planned a wedding in a month due to the upcoming war. We always loved eachother but we did fight about this and that. After reading the Basic Concepts I now realize that she was avoiding being a "complainer" and I didn't help with arguing her to my side whenever she did say something. It was over all not a safe place for either of us to communicate.
Anyway, since we got married almost six months ago we've been able to spend a whopping 21 days together. Things deteriorated, but I had no idea how much until recently.
Right before the war kicked off I buried myself in preparation for the worst my job had to offer. She felt abandoned and I resented her for not being more supportive. I left for my mobilization station and she left for her unit. We had several phone conversations that went poorly for the same reasons as before right before I flew to the Middle East. The last one, she said, was the turning point. In it, she asked me what I would do if we weren't together anymore. I assumed that she meant after we had tried everything and responded that I would be devistated but I would move on with my career goals (Special Forces) but very unhappy. She wanted to hear that I would fight for our relationship and that she was the first priority in my life. She was devistated by my incorrect answer and thought of suicide. Well, a fellow soldier, also separated from his girlfriend, comforted her and talked to her. In the meantime I had no way of communicating with my wife for maybe two weeks. During this time the other man and her became lovers. Later after a few letters from her that were worded in such a way to make me suspicious but at the same time feeling guilty for doubting her, I confronted her about it. She admitted her guilt. My first reaction was one of self-blame for having been so selfish and insensitive during our relationship.
She took this and ran with it as justification. I asked her to stop seeing this man, who she was still hanging out with. She said she couldn't, that they did everything almost every day together. Every activity that she enjoyed doing she did with him and that furthermore I wasn't aloud to tell her who her friends could be. Finally, I was becoming so upset about our situation that I asked her to meet me at our home state (neutral ground?). My chain of command became involved to grant my leave which comes into play later. Unfortunately, only days before she was supposed to leave, I called her to ask if hers was approved. She wasn't there so I asked her supervisor, who responded "what leave?". I explained the importance of the leave being granted for her. He responded by chewing her out in their commanders office for not keeping them informed about her marriage problems and instructed her to take leave to fix it. Now she labeled me a pushy controlling person and bought the plane ticket with much anger. I explained my side of it which she said she understood but it turns out later she kept that resentment. This cursed our week of trying to work it out from the beginning. Everything fell apart immediately and she left early. Her plan: she needed time apart to grow as an individual, she was going back to her unit, finishing her deployment, then giving herself more time by moving out of our house and in with her ex-roommate in another state. I was instructed to follow my goals which would take about 2 years of training. Then, and only then, would we see where we stood. She left all photos and letters she had had with her at her unit on our dresser. She was going to leave her ring too, but I asked her to take it with even if she wasn't going to wear it. Her stated status of our marriage upon leaving: null and void. She returned to her unit and I returned to the desert. Now, up until the cat was let out of the bag, she continually wrote me telling me she missed me and to stay out of the way of the bullets and that she wanted me home. She said she loved me. After that though, she became increaingly distant and wanting to exert less and less effort. She has now slipped into Withdrawal and will do nothing that might help our relationship. Also, evidence points to her seeing this other soldier seriously now. I want to continue to work on this but don't want to push her away further. How do I Negotiate with someone that doesn't want to? She's not interested in doing anything. This huge attitude shift happened within the last month. However, this is my plan so far and tell me what you think: she still accepts my calls and we can talk as long as its not about us. So, I was going to call and chat, then request a time when we would have the time to talk about making both of us happy in this unhappy situation (Policy of Joint Agreement), stating that it seems she still at least cares for me as a friend even if she doesn't love me anymore. If she agrees, I will suggest the Ground Rules, make it clear that I don't expect to solve everything at one time, and then proceed with understanding eachother's perspectives and doing my best to be respectful and not angry or pushy. I know that in one Q&A the advice was given not to give in without enthusiastically agreeing, however, under the circumstances I was considering offering my backing off during her deployment if she would consider not moving out of our house and giving it a second chance. NOW, here's the interesting twist: My chain of command is contacting hers and getting this other soldier transferred and possibly prosecuted for crimes during a state of war (in the Army, adultery is a serious crime and it is doubly so if it's with the spouse of a soldier serving in war). This may happen within a week or so. I of course protested that this incident will be blamed on me and it could destroy my marriage for good. The Army, however feels it must punish the guilty regardless. When this thing goes off, she will really resent me even though I didn't commit the crime or condone the punishment.
1- Do you think the negotiation plan is good?
2- What do I do if she wants no part of it?
3- How do I deal with her anger when her lover is yanked away from her? Should I just break contact for awhile? Should I try to explain/defend myself as not having instigated his punishment?
4- How do I fulfill her Emotional Needs from many thousands of miles away?
I am a soldier serving my country and am willing to give my life, but I don't want to lose the most important thing in my life doing it if I can prevent it. I love her more than anything. I am still clinging to this small thread of hope and keeping my Taker at bay while trying to be forgiving and understanding. Not arguing my side is hard but I'm learning a lot from this site and feel I'm making a lot of progress. I'm employing my Giver a lot but I'm exhausted. I even told her I would give up my dream to go SF if that's what it took and that's a huge sacrifice for me. I read all the Q&As but none of them were trying to recover an unfaithful marriage from around the world. My only tools are emails and occasional phone calls.
Any help at all is appreciated.

Thanks

Hi DW,

Letting you know I read your thread and want to keep it this to the top so others can stop by and help. I am thinking some of the MB H's would be very helpful.

Also I need to think how best to respond to your situation.

Please be patient with us....

take care,
L.

Wolf,

I want you to know that the wings of Saint Anthony and Chesty Puller are with you tonight. I'm am asking that a cool, comforting wind come to fill the air for you tonight and surround your position and comfort you, giving you a peace. The light of the heavens will be with you tonight, as I gaze from our homeland, safe and secured by your presence from afar. Know that as you lay in your bivouc tonight, that your honor, integrity, courage and discipline are allowing me and my boys to rest safely at home tonight. I'm sorry that during a time of honor and courage for you, that this has happened to you. I prayed for you. I want you to know that I did pray for you and our brothers as you all were leaving the states. I knew eventually that 'one' would show up here at MB, pre or post war. I'm sorry that it was you. I prayed with all my strength, that our miliatary spouses would honor their spouses who are providing the freedom that now she is taking for granted. I want you to know that the freedom that you have provided our nation, shouldn't be confused with the freedom that she has taken in your marriage. Your not risking your life so that she could have that freedom, but your there doing what so many have done before you, sacrificing yourself so that a whole town, city and nation will move and prosper tomorrow. As we all sleep tonight, I want you to know that I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU. Bro, you are doing so well, emotionally, and in good spirits overall, so well, yet, I am not amazed. You are strong. So lets get beneath that armor for a few minutes...

I want you to take a deep breath right now, and if its dark outside there right now, step outside if your able and look up at all those stars. Pick out the brightest you see and know that I found that same star tonight, sending you a brother in arms hug. On one knee, give up your emotions and let them all come out. Reach down and grab the sand beneath your feet with your fingers. Let the sand drain out of your hands and know that over many centuries of fighting there; warriors, marines, soldiers, centurions, palestines, gladiators, israelites and shiites have all fought on that ground, and many of them have been through what you are going through. Many before you received that horrible information from the home front, like you did. Let their light from the stars above, guide your heart posthumousely from beyond and seek their strength. Know that in battle and war that they kept their strength and did what they promised themselves and their country they would do. Come home alive and don't let what is happening at home attack your exposed emotional flanks. The enemy lies in front of you, sight picture, sight alignment, in your mind, Wolf.

I'm sorry that it was you that ended up here at MB, and I've dreaded the day that one of our own would have to put up with this [censored] while they are defending our country. You are not alone, I want you to know that. I am with you throughout your day and I'll be your peace and encouragement. Do with honor what you swore. We need you on that wall, protecting us.

Your command will be valuable resourcefully. Seek the guidance of your PLT leader, your fire team leader and that of your unit Chaplain. Know that a fellow brother sits here in Houston tonight, watching over his children, while you are watching over me. Thankyou Wolf.

You are doing a great job by reading and posting here. Yes you can plan A from 7000 miles away. But, really bro, aren't I just a star glance away now? See how close I am with you and near you now? Can you feel that, 7000 miles away? You can Plan A her, yes, 7000 miles away. She knows what is right and wrong. Give her, give her, give her.

Don't feel bad about the other soldier (OS). His command, your command and her command have to do what is right. You are defending the Constitution of the United States as you stand guard. The Commands are doing the same. Be thankful that the commands are doing what they half to. Things will be alright, Wolf. Continue to read, post to me and the others if you have questions. I am here for you, we are all, just as you have been for us.

Thanks.

Preeseent Arrms! Reeeadey...Tooo! Semper Fidelis

I appreciate your thinking about it Orchid.

H2U, I thank you for your support. It really does mean a lot. I've wept so much in the last few weeks I have no more tears. I am now focused and have found a renewed strength in the love for my wife. So if I seem "strong", that's why.
However, due to time constraints (the upcoming storm of his removal and her upheaval) if negotiations fail tonight, I have drafted a Plan B letter for the next day. I've posted it in the Plan A/B forum for feedback. 2 reasons; I'd rather "leave" before this goes down and 2, I want my intentions for her known before it happens. She will then have plenty of "space" to think after it happens. Additionally, there will be no fighting about his removal since she can't contact me (unless she breaks that of course).
As far as what my CofC is doing, as an NCO I understand the importance of maintaining discipline and the need to set examples for other men to follow. As a husband I stated my grievances for the record, that the 'procedure' may have a terrible effect on our negotiations.
It's a twisted affair (no pun intended) but we will see what happens.
If you didn't mind I would like you to look at the Sep Letter and tell me what you think.

Thanks again

Desert Wolf

Wolf,

I really don't think that you need to do a seperation letter, plan b letter at this point. I am not going to have time to go into why.. so I need another MBer to take over here this morning for me and help you out before you begin rushing things.

Patience is a very important element in recovery. Patience is a very important element in recovery. Don't forget that.

Don't send a Plan B letter or seperation letter just yet. Give me 8 hours and I'll be back to review and post my response.

Meanwhile I need for O, Pepperband, Faith1, Chris, Topie, Honey, and .. okay.. SPACECASE to jump in here until I get back today.

Wolf, nice to meet you brother.

Kevin

Hi,

Wolfe is also getting good support on JFO. Wolfe. If you look at Devilpup's post on JFO you will find you are not alone. There are several in the service who are posting here. Not just one branch either. This A thing hits all people from all walks of life. It is not biased when it comes to sharing the pain.

With that in mind, realize you are not alone and will always have us here to vent and support you. However, building your personal support group is helpful. You may not realize it but many of your soliders are going through the same thing and probably can be a source of support. You don't have to tell each one everything but I think you can utilize it to help your situation and you personally.

I have to run to work but I will come back and talk about your personal recovery. ok?

take care,
L.

DW unfortunately you'll more than likely have already experienced and will continue to experience, what is called the ER(emotional rollercoaster). Resist the temptation to make ANY life altering decisions when your ER brings you to a low point. If you let them, your own emotions can betray you just as much as your W(wife) A(affair), so it's imperative that you learn to emotionally detach from the ordeal by accepting that the only person you can change is you. Try to get your hands on the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs' and implement the principles in them to the best of your abilities.

It's nice to meet you all your help is very much appreciated.
Here's what's going on with me right now; where I am and what's happened.
I went through a long phase of sorrow and severe pain, the ER was definately a big factor and I think it was chiefly responsible for our breakdown in negotiations back in Minnesota (home state, where we took leave to work things out). My desparation and fear of losing her took over there and it pushed her further away.
Now, I'm approaching more of a determined attitude. I'm determined to focus on whatever I have to do. There are no more tears left. Unfortunately, I think this is also a result of the feeling of my Taker creeping up behind me. This is why I feel some pressure to accomplish something now, before it overcomes me and I make irreparable mistakes.
I made the phone call this morning (in the states). She was stand offish as she has been recently, like 'so what can I do for you, what do you want?'. I tried chatting about her weekend with little feedback. It was like pulling teeth, so I acknowledged to her that she didn't seem to want to talk right then. She said 'I don't know'. That's her catch phrase, btw. Once she says it she won't say much else. So, I went into my request for setting up a time when we could discuss things pleasantly and with respect to see if there was some arrangement we could come to that would be acceptable to both of us. I mentioned that I would like to think that she still sees me as a friend at least, even if she doesn't love me anymore, and that I didn't think she wanted to hurt me. No response there. She reluctantly agreed to the meeting. We set it up for [your] evening at 8:30 pst tonight. I tried negotiation in setting up that time, just to test the waters. She was resistant to offer anything. She was making me decide everything, until I suggested 6:30, she suggested 9:30. I brought up the point that I wanted to talk before we were both tired from the day and that I would like to make sure we had enough time to talk without the pressure of bedtime or any other distractions. She gave an emphatic "fine". I said if it's not ok with her, not to agree. She said "fine" again. I don't feel she is going to be very open or communicative tonight. I have the feeling it will be as usual, me doing all the talking and playing 20 questions to get her to open her mouth at all. Our discussions of late have seemed to be a pure annoyance to her and she offers nothing. With this much resistance I am having trouble maintaining any optimism for tonights discussion.
Any advice? I predict that any attempt to negotiate or compromise on the situation will only be met with an "I made my decision already".
I know her very well and am fairly certain of this outcome.
Help, what do I do then?

What about this;
I plan B, but instead my letter states a specific time period, less than the rest of this deployment, to think about things, during which I leave her alone and she leaves me alone? Maybe a month or two? She will at least be free of OM during this time, as my CSM assures me that contact will be broken. Provided that OM is made to understand that no contact means phone calls and emails as well. This part will be hard for her chain of command to monitor, but if they make it clear that his alternative is time in Leavenworth Penitentiary I'm hoping he'll see her as not worth the risk and stay away.
Anyway, once he is gone, she will be forced to rearange her whole schedule and way of life there. Isn't that a good time to give her space and let her consider things without my interference?

DW remember that is a love letter in which the BS(Betrayed Spouse) apologizes for contributing to the environment that made the A(Affair) possible, BUT despite the love s/he feels for the WS, the continued contact the WS has with the OP is causing unbearable pain, and thus the BS must stop all contact with the WS until the WS agrees to end all contact with the OP and explicitly demonstrates a willingness to rebuild the marriage thru a marital recovery plan with an MB oriented professional. Plan B is to preserve the love you have left for your W, for the difficult part of marital recovery, if and when it comes.

Plan B gives the WS a glimpse as to what life will be like without the BS, and by letting the OP meet all the EN(Emotional Needs) of the WS. If you give her a time limit for your Plan B, you run the risk of subverting its purpose and set you up for a false recovery.

that's a really good point, I of course didn't think of that.
As I was telling someonen else, I think my Taker may be sneaking up on me. I'm a little over eager to jump to plan B am I not? I think that part of me just wants to separate from the pain and so plan B sounds quite attractive.
She has agreed to a meeting where we will try to discuss a way to come to an agreement on the current situation where we are both satisfied.
This happens in a little less than 4 hours.
I'm guessing she will be uncooperative as usual. The way it usually goes is, when I say I'd like to talk she "shows up" simply out of some kind of annoying obligation. That's her attitude. She doesn't offer anything to the conversation and it's like pulling teeth. In that event I don't know how to proceed from there.

an interesting thing that I failed to mention:
I sent her an email in which I asked her to rank my 'pushiness'. I didn't think she would bother, but she did fill it out and send it back. I got 5s and 6s. Not good, but I've been made aware of that before I sent it and I'd been working on it. I wanted to get her view of it.
This cooperation of hers was unexpected. Sometimes little things like that give me renewed hope. That maybe she does want to work on things but doesn't want to try too hard as if any effort on her part will betray herself or the OM.
I also sent her the EN Questionnaire. She hasn't sent that back yet, but there is time and it is kind of a long questionnaire.
I think this meeting of ours may tell a lot. I just hope I can keep my Taker at bay, be patient, try not to push and be respectful of her opinions. The really hard part will be offering my opinions in a way that won't make her think I am reverting back to my old way of pushing the point. I will try to take it slow and not rush the process. That's when I get in trouble. I try to solve everything in one phone call and I must stop myself from doing that. These are old bad habits I have and it will be very hard I know.

DW DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180 degree plan (It complements plan A nicely). Here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage her to talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21.Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23.Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180 degrees, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

And if she starts saying things like 'it's over between us. I want to move on with my life' consider using Orchid's reverse psychobabble on her by saying 'I agree, I too want to move on with my life' (not necessarily by divorcing her). The typical WS beleives that s/he can always return to the M(marriage) whenever s/he so choses and on his/her terms, and the last thing s/he expects is the BS showing strength and wanting the same thing s/he wants. Of course there are no guarantees that this will work, but it will definetely show the WS that you, the BS, are emotionally strong and are not going to die without her.

<small>[ June 02, 2003, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Hi Wolf--

I didn't read the other replies, so I may be repeating a few suggestions - but your post sounded so familiar to my own story (less the military) that I had to reply.

What is obvious from your post is that neither of you are willing to sacrifice career priorities for each other. When you both have a profession that requires extended absences, then neither of are allowed to be "needy" - or else your marriage won't work. Perhaps you two need to figure out what your lifetime priorities are. If a strong marriage is more important than your career - then your choices should be obvious. But, if you won't compromise and she won't compromise - then how can a marriage work?

I definitely think that the OM should be prosecuted - and your wife as well - for adultery. You shouldn't feel guilty about this at all - they need to bear the responsibility for their own behaviors. They knew that they could get caught - it was a chance they took. If the OM is sent away - it may help your W to wake from this hormonal pity-party fog that she's got going on.

And you said - how can you work on your marriage if she doesn't want to? First you have to commit to working on it. Then I think you should get Dr. Wheat's book (see below) "how to save your marriage alone" I don't know if you are still deployed and if you can get mail there - but you can buy the book on amazon (it is really cheap) and it is small, so shipping should be nominal. This book really saved my sanity.

I will pray for you. It must be hard to be so far from home and have to deal with this.

Hey wolf,

Got a question for u... this is just for me to understand so u don't have to answer if you don't want to but heres the question. I was just wondering did your wife get punished as well like the other man? I thought that in the UCMJ that it said infidelity would not be tolerated and it would result to dishonorable discharge. Maybe I'm not remembering it right. It does take two so what happened or was it that the OM was higher in rank?

By the way I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you and all the other soldiers, airmen, etc out there risking your life. Sorry that ur going through all this. I know how difficult it is to be in the military and go through an emotional roller coaster like this at the same time. It's not like you can call in and say I don't think I can make it through work today. If you need anyone to vent to feel free to write me. I'll be checking up on you.

depressed

CoffeeMan,
You kick butt! Thank you so much! That's just what I was looking for. It certainly satisfies the part of me that wanted to go straight to plan B without having to go there. It also pointed out NUMEROUS mistakes I've made in the last couple months in dealing with this.

Allforone,
The actual situation is that she has no career although she is a reservist that has gone to several schools and other mil. commitments in the recent past. I am also a reservist, but more of a full time reservist since I am in Spec. Ops., they keep me pretty busy with training and deployments. My career goas WAS Special Forces. However, early into this (immediately after I found out) I told her that I was willing to give it up if it came down to that or the marriage. I do choose my marriage and my wife first. Part of the problem, though, is that she wasn't aware of that before I left (my mistake) and was in fact one of her biggest stated reasons for turning away. She thought she would always be second. Now that I tell her what I am willing to give up, she doesn't believe me. My credibility is shot in her book. I've even told her about all the research I've done lately to explore other job options. But, I also told her if I couldn't be a soldier I may have a difficult time dealing with that. I've been a "soldier" since I was a young boy. I'm 31 now. She may have taken that as 'he won't really leave if I ask him to'. Anyway, so there is how our careers fit in this mess. Also, if I make a career change at this age, it would probably be my last one. Another factor that I must consider is that for the SF contract, I must already waive two years of age. The clock is ticking and I feel some pressure to make a decision regarding that. It's a tough one since that is a dream I've had for some time now. It eats at me somewhat that I may regret not following through with that for someone who has demonstrated a lack of commitment throughout her entire life (talked to her mom and have seen it myself besides this A) and may leave me anyway. It's quite the dilemma as far as career choices though. However, I may see light at the end of the tunnel. I was discussing another option this very evening with another BS (male, don't worry) that may enable me to be around for a plan A after this deployment but keep me the option of going to SF at a later time.
This way even if she does move in with her ex roommate (rapid cycling bipolar recovering alcoholic codependant single mother that can't hold a relationship and gives her lots of relationship advice), I would be able to drive the 4 hours to see her once in a while, and she me, see how things are going and THEN decide on SF or not on my own terms. If I go SF right away there is no contact for a year and a half to two years maybe.

Depressed,
The OM is a sergeant in her unit. She is a lower ranking enlisted. The law states the he was in a position to end it, being the ranking member of the affair. Discharge is indeed one of the maximum punishments for Adultery under Article 134 of the UCMJ, so is up to 1 year in Leavenworth, but it all depends on how the command handles it. Since it's being handled by Sergeants Major, there is a better chance that the solution they come up with will make a lot more sense and be less destructive as say through the battalion commanders where they would throw the book at them both with every article they have broken for the maximum punishment (UCMJ violations during wartime are much more severe).
So, in all likelihood, they will see to it that he is quietly transferred somewhere far away and quickly. Whether they prosecute him or not I don't know. Her, probably not, unless they restrict her to quarters or something.
We'll see what happens soon. I'm mainly worried about the aftermath between my W and I.

Thanks again for all your support. I feel better than I have in a long time. It feels good not to feel completely helpless and ignorant as to how to deal with this. I'm a soldier, I don't like not having a plan. I know very well how to deal with the enemy, but my wife is a mystery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I feel much more informed now thanks to all of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Update:
CoffeeMan's Plan A in effect....
I called her as planned at 8:30. Well, 8:25 but I apologized to her for being early, it usually takes longer to get through from the Middle East than it did. I said this mainly because, well it's true, and I didn't want her to think that I was over eager.
I asked her how her game went. We chatted about sports a bit. It was fairly light in mood.
There was a pause then, so I asked her how she felt about the conversation I wanted to have. She said she didn't really know what we were going to be talking about. This was interesting since I thought I made it clear during the last phone call. So, I said that I had wanted to talk about coming to some agreement on the current situation with regards to her marital status (last declared single by her) and that I was hoping to understand why she felt she needed that, but that first I wanted to know how she felt about having the discussion in the first place. She said the all too predictable "I don't know". So I said that I would take that as an "I'm not comfortable talking about it" and that I wanted to respect that so I would let her go. Then I said sorry she wasted her time driving up there (she has to drive up to the top of a hill to get a signal where she's at), to take care of herself and good bye. She was taken aback by this and stopped me from hanging up. She asked what I meant by that. I said meant by what? She said "I know your tone and that was the tone that you had previously decided something and now it happened". I said that's correct. That I had previously decided that if she didn't feel like talking about the subject that I would respect that and let her go. She was confused by this. I then remembered I wanted to discuss finances. I asked if the plan was still to divide our finances so that her money was used to pay her bills and mine to pay mine as well as a savings I wanted her to start putting in my personal account. She said she hadn't really planned on splitting everything up exactly. I said that that's what I thought she previously decided (she did, I remember the exact conversation, the same one that she told me she didn't consider us married anymore; there's no forgetting it). Then I asked if she was implimenting the savings thing. She got mad and snapped at me to quit asking. I tried to explain that I didn't hear an answer. She just got more mad so I dropped it quickly. I asked if she talked to her mom lately, meaning to see if she had gotten any news about her sick grandpa and if not I was going to let her know he was doing well. Instead she got upset about this too, saying that it was stressing her out big time because her mom keeps pressuring her to tell her side of the story and wants to come down to visit. I knew this so I just said, "really?". She said that she didn't like her mom stressing about our marriage on top of her grandpa. I also knew that her mom already suspects if not knows that she is having an affair and just wants her daughter to tell her to her face. She was upset so I didn't add to this either. I told her that her grandpa was doing well and should be out in a day or two. There wasn't really anything to say after that so I said "well, I'll let you go, take it easy" and "bye". She gave a confused "bye" and hung up.
I think it went well over all. Of course I aparently touched on two subjects that upset her and I'll be wary of that in the future.
Should I bother contacting her after this, if so how long should I wait (before or after the "storm") or just wait and see what she does?

DW,

U communicated but in the fog it usually gets distorted and the reaction is a bit delayed (2 weeks is what I had to deal with - really 2 weeks).

So now you may have to pratice patience. Let her wonder what you are up to. The next time you talk, appear upbeat, ok moving forward. She has the added stress of having to convince the rest of the world to believe the A is good. I don't think the rest of the world is as gullible as the OM or her.

So you take care, ok???? I think you done good.

Let us know how you are doing.

L.

Thank you all so much!
I will be patient and let her contact me next. I believe that will be after OM is taken out [of the picture] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Sorry, a little military humor there. I'm guessing it will be a serious butt chewing email making many accusations at me about manipulation. Possibly telling me never to contact her, who knows?
I will probably be coming back here for advice when that happens.
Thanks again to Orchid, CoffeeMan, Husband2You, Allforone and anyone else I may have missed.
This soldier has more hope now because of you and if his marriage is saved it was because of the advice you gave. You've made a differance and the way I see it, as a soldier trapsing around the world, being able and WILLING to make a difference in the world is noble. That's why I love my job, there is honor in it.

Carpe Diem