I am "old" here with a new name MAINLY because my spouse happens to check on everything i do on the sneaks. I dont really mind that he checks my computer but he makes mountains out of mole hills. He seems to get fairly offended when I try to talk to him so i get very annoyed anymore that he would read what i post. (is that wrong? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

Recap: IM the cheater. The consequences of my affair are DEEP and WIDE and still so very here. After 3 years our marriage is in a worse hole than EVER and sooo very empty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . This whole atmosphere is grotesque at best.

I have not in anyway cheated on my spouse since March of 2000 physically and since November of 2000(end of phone calls). HOwever, it seems for him this past issue of ours is still very formost and on the front line of his vision and thinking process. We just moved to a new big home and we didnt have a phone for.. ohhhh.. a week? and during that week he was SO uptight that he couldnt just contact me OR run home to "check" on me.. that in a big blow up fight.. he AGAIN accuses me of having an affair.. like WHO THE HELL HAS TIME???? UGH.. (that is neither here nor there considering my past eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )

But.. despite that.. i feel that because of the past.. i have no room to grow.. to change..everythign has a bridge of suspicion with it. IF i like a new song.. he thinks it is associated with a new man.. if i like new type of clothes.. etc etc.. all the same reaction.

Well, after that lovely fight at 2am in the morning of accusations of an affair.. which there isnt..I ask him WHY he continues to accuse me where there is no reason to, and i get this answer.
"you have time for everyone else and not me. You offer no affection, we hardly ever have sex"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> .. PEOPLE.. we have 5.... 5555555 children!!!!!! I do ALLLLLLLLLLLL the house work.. ALLLLL the raising.. ALLLL the bill paying.. ALLLLLLL .. i do it ALLLLLLLLLLL ALONEEEEEEEEEE no help.. and i have no time for WHO?? my day does NOT end at 5 or 6pm. UGH.. and so i tell him all of the above.. and he says..
"SO.. in order for me to love and attention i have to earn it by "work" UGH>.. well yes if you want a wife who has energy enough left for you at the end of the day!! good grief!!! AM I WRONG??

I know all the basics here at MB.. however they only work when applied right? RIGHT. I did that questionaire AGAIN and gave it to him about a year ago.. my needs have not changed.. but.. my heart continues to seperate from him til i really feel NO desier to make this marriage work.

Can we get alone ? NO we have no support family wise..

can we go on a trip? NO finances arent there

Can we just spend time together? NO.. kids are always around

Can this marriage be saved? NO i dont think so. Because when you choose to stay with someone after an affair and forgive them..(not forget) you are chooseing to live with the consequences of someones elses "sin". And when you do that.. you cannot CANNOT continue to make somene pay emotionally for what they have done.

I saw OM Feb of 2003 and for the first time was able to write him off of my life..(honestly and truely) but what i realize is that.. with my marriage so bad.. im so set up for another mistake...NOW.. NO im not running out the door for an affair.. but i do realize my weakness because emotionally.. there is nothing here.

Sometimes i just think you gotta just know when to fold em...

Yes, I know you're venting, but still....

Just wondering, did you have time for an affair while doing all the housework, raising five kids, bill paying?

btw, if OM did: help raise the kids; bill pay; clean the house; and you weren't able to find time alone because of the kids before/during affair, I will go slink away.

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

slink as im a snake? hmmm...
tyvm.

hmm distain in the post LOL..

how did i have time for the affair.. HMMM.... my kids were in daycare full time, i went to school full time...

OM didnt work 5am-7pm 7 days week to avoid me.

a bit different to play with fantasy than to put forth extremem effort to a wall for a relationship.

another thot here...

finances were different then.. and since you really dont know OUR past.. of abuse.. or otherwise.. remember that when you post to someone with that tone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well, I believe I recognize you.

What happened? When you posted in Feb, you seemed very clear on wanting to do the work to make your marriage work?

I think if my H didn't want to talk to me, but read my posts...I'd start posting for him to read. Sneak some reassurance to him.

But then, my H can read my posts if he wants, I don't think he does, but he knows I still post. I'm usually not on MB when he's home, but if it happens I am, sometimes he'll ask what I'm posting about, so I tell him. I don't have any secrets from him in the way I feel or what I do.

You aren't meeting your H's needs of time, sex, affection. He isn't meeting your needs of domestic support. (Just guessing high ENs from your post).

You aren't spending time together and you sound like there are no acceptable solutions. But you did find time at one point to have an affair. How did you "steal" that time? Is it possible to steal that time for your H? Or...was his time with the kids how you managed?

Not sure what the ages of your kids are, but if you haven't already started them on housework, this summer is a good time to start. Even if they don't do things the way you would, having them done at all is a little help. Last summer we actually hired our 14 year old as our maid (doing more than just kid chores). She does the dishes, sweeps, takes care of the cat boxes, puts the papers away. I got a cleaner house, she earned money.

You are well aware having an affair burns some bridges for privacy, for enjoying new things without explaining their origin, for having time away.

You're right, your marriage continues to be in serious trouble. I'm not sure why your H is so suspicious...nor why you are so resentful. However, I don't see that raising the kids without him is going to better your situation because you'll still have him in your life and you'll still be doing most of the work.

What a difficult situation to be in. It is clear that your husband has never forgiven. In reality what are you options? You have 5 children and finances are in bad shape. I do not think you have too many options. I guess one would be intensive marriage counseling with your husband.
If he says no then I am stumped. Maybe a sit down with your husband telling him of the consequences of not trying to improve the marriage after 3 years. Ask him if he is willing to divorce, see his children part-time and be willing to pay alimony and child support for 5 children. Maybe this will wake him up. What do you think?
I wish you luck.

Hi Lor, yes ya know me..LOL

Hmm.. things have happend. LIFE has happened. I guess im just hopeless. Yes Brian you are right.. no true forgiveness.

lets compare tornado alley LOL.. when a tornado has devestated an area.. dont people ALWAYS rebuild in the same spot? YET continue to watch for the next tornado?.. the fear is always there right? yes.. soo part of that in combination with needs not being met.. it is a pot of stew which threatens to disipate.

I guess in all reality im not into having a paretn for a spouse. Im VERY TIred of the "parental" acts of making sure im behaving myself.. of accusatoin of things im not doing.. etc..

Counseling.. BLAH..went to 4 counselors and they were CRAZIER than I lol.

Lor... there are NO needs being met at all i dont think on either side...I have tried.. truely.. and i know he tried to the best that he could without forgiveness...

i just needed to vent.. im so hopeless.. ive created this mess and now cant fix it.. LOVELY. :

Promised,
Here's a link to brighterdays thread over on recovery why she as a BS still has questions after 3 years of recovery. I'm hoping maybe you'll see some of the reasons behind your H's actions in the BS's posts on that thread.

It's been long enough now I want some details

I'm sorry you've had some lousy counselors. We hit gold with our 3rd, but I felt as you with the first one, he was much worse off than we were <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

So, I'm guessing your H works the long hours not just to escape you, but to provide financially for all of you. Could you start (again) with admiring him for that? It sounds to me like he needs some reassurance. Is reassuring/admiring him something you could set yourself to doing for a month?

In some ways, you sound lonely, can you call him at work? My H & I still check in usually a couple times during the day. And I still appreciate it.

Not doing anything clearly isn't positive...but either one of you starts, and you are the one here asking, or you face the dissolution of your marriage--whether or not that leads to actual divorce.

Recovery takes work. I don't find it unpleasant work myself. I like knowing I'm a better wife, more positive person than I used to be.