The H moved out on March 7 and in with his new W on March 9 - he says March 23. Wow lots of difference.... Anyway, I have tried plan A and plan B for a month. But we have a baby girl who is 14 months - so no contact at this point is a little hard and I don't want the OW around my daughter so I am having him come to my house to see her. He told me over the weekend that he was in love with her - so discussing anything about our relationship wouldn't change anything. He would listen but it really didn't change anything.

I hear rumor that she is buying a house for them this week. He can't afford to help her in anyway but - it is for them. I know she is stupid for doing that - but it hurts to think that they are trying to build a life together. He has only been gone 3 months.!?!?!?!

I am seriously thinking about selling the house we had together and moving away. So that Plan B would be easier to handle and actually stick to. I still love him so much and don't want to give up but watching him do what he is doing is so hard. Any thoughts would be appreciated...

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am not an expert, and I can't offer you any professional advice, because I am going through a similar situation, but I wanted to offer my opinion on my own situation and hope it might help you make your own decision.

If you have not read Dr. Harley's book SAA, please read it immediately, read all the info on this site and then read a lot of the posts here and talk to everyone that you feel you can make a connection to.

Now, about moving... I did just that because I couldn't take the pain. My WH moved out the same day and had already moved in with the OW but I had no idea..blind trust, huh???

I struggled so much with the depression and the pain of seeing this and hearing him tell me that he didn't love me, etc. etc. I can only imagine what you might be feeling right now. I actually wanted to die. My children from a previous marriage are grown and out of the house, so I had no little one there to hold onto, like you have. My WH raised my two C as though they were his own, and then disowned them. We all hurt so much, and I didn't know where to turn. I ended up moving out of our house and 500 miles away to live with my D thinking it was over and I could be away from the pain and that I needed to be in a good support group. I had not found Dr. Harley's book or this website. If I had, I would have stayed and fought and not given up with out a good fight. Now, so many months later, and so far away, I feel that I gave up way to soon.

Here's my point. If I could go back and do it over again, I would not move away, I would not move in with my daughter, and I would have stayed right there and fought to get my marriage back, with every last ounce of strength I had left in my body, if that's what it took. I am sure that I would have had my husband back and my marriage if I had not run away, but had found Dr. Harley's book, used it, used this site, and followed the plan. It works.

So, I am just saying to you, take some time and think through what you want. Don't make decisions now based on your pain. Think about what you want in the end, not just right now, no matter what your H says - read the statistics of how often these relationships actually make it - they don't. If you can get yourself together enough to make it through one day, and then the next, and find some good support where you are, then I say, please think about not moving away and staying and standing and fighting for what is yours and your childs. Read some of the stories here and the posts and talk to your minister, or some one close you trust, then take some time to think it through. If H is not physically or verbally abusive to you, then take some time, as one poster on here likes to say, you have the rest of your life to end your marriage, but only a short time to save it, of course, I just paraphrased it, but you get the point.

I could say more to you, but I will let you think about this, and I hope others will post and give you encouragement. There are many on here who are experienced and give wonderful support and encouragement. It won't come easily, saving your M and your family, but it will be worth it, if that is what you want.

Oh, and by the way, that is all fog talk from H. They all say it, they all do it, they all come out of it. Read some of the posts here.

May God Bless you. I will be praying for you today. Over in divorcing/divorced there is a prayer group every wed. If you are interested, check it out. We will all pray for you.
Cajeanie

Thank you Cajeanie! I appreciate your openness with your experience.

I have read SAA but feel that Plan A is pointless at this point. It hurts too much to act loving and caring to him when all he does is disrespect me in our home. He wears the new things she is buying for him and his hair cut differently, etc. I did ask him not to wear that stuff when he comes over to she our daughter.

I will be here for awhile until I sell the house but he knows that I have always wanted to move due the job market here in Albuquerque, NM. I have two masters degrees and find a job that pays well. The only reason we didn't move away is because he has three other children here from a previous marriage and our families are here.

But I need to be able to provide for me and my daughter without his help - because I don't know if he will be there for us. The way he is acting and all.

We also were engaged and not married - still together 7 years. I didn't know how to abbreviate that - we both felt in our hearts that we were married but never did the actual ceremony. Does that make a difference????!! Sorry I didn't mean to mislead - if I did! I consider him my husband and he told me when he left that actually being married would not have changed his feelings or actions.

How long has it been that you moved away?? Did H ever leave the OW? Have you had any contact with H since?

Hope all is well! Cherie

cnf,
My FMM sounds a lot like your H. They also have a baby girl and we moved in tohgether very soon after he left the marital home. She also initially made him come to the house for visits until he filed for temp visitation agreement. She, at first, did not want me around the baby either.

From what I have read most of these relationships do not last - esp once the OW is having to do more of the chores involved in the upkeep of the MM. Our relationship seems to be the exception to the rule. He is now divorced and we have the baby 3 days each week. She will be 2 soon. His XW has done a omplete 360 and now deals w/ me almost exclusively in regards to their daughter.

She still maiintains an intense amount of anger toward him and perhaps always will. If you want your M, I would suggest following the other poster's advice and stick around. Only then, will you know you gave it your best shot. Do you hang around when he visits w/ D? Perhaps you should get all dressed up on a day he visits and ask him to watch the baby as you have a few errands to run. Be elusive. Make him wonder. Perhaps it will ignite a hidden desire for you.

Continue to read and post here. Good luck to you. tew

Thank you for your thoughts tewjtm!

You sound like you have it more together then the OW in my life. I wouldn't want her around my child at all. Maybe someday that will change. But I don't see this relationship lasting long so - I'm not sure it will be worth the effort. I just want to strangle her. She was a friend of ours prior to this.

How do you think I handled this last weekend? (copied from another posting)

Well - it didn't go as I had hoped! He came over and played with Skylar for awhile and then we talked. First about Skylar and what I expected of him - and that I didn't want another woman around Skylar (she's one) for at least a year - his reply to that was that it was inevitable - I asked why and his reply was that that was the natural progression of things. I then told him that I realized that it took two to make or break a relationship and then apologized for the things I had done. He sat there rock hard. So I told him that I should stop talking because obviously it meant nothing to him he said that it wasn't that it was that it didn't change anything. I asked him why and he said because he was in love with someone else. My heart stopped!!! I was crushed! I told him - in less than three months you say your in love with someone else. He said that some people fall in love at first sight. I said Whatever. It hurt - I think he is lust right now but I truely don't think it is love. I am not sure what to do at this point. I have read Surviving an Affair by William Harley - because I feel that is what this is - I think that I am ready for Plan B. Total seperation. But I don't know how that will work with our daughter. I don't trust him not to have her around. Any thoughts???? He did call Saturday evening twice - the line was busy he said and asked if I had taken it off the hook. I told him NO and that I had friends that called frequently. Not that it was any of his concern. He called again on Sunday and asked what I was doing - I told him sitting on the couch cuddling with Skylar. He asked how she did Friday evening after seeing him - I told him not good - she woke up off and on all night. He said Oh! I asked him what he was doing - he said nothing, nothing at all. He asked if he could come over I told him that if he could come in the next hour he could but that we had plans later. He was caught off guard and asked what we were doing! I told him it was not his business and he replied that he was just making conversation. I eventually told him that we were going to a barbaque. He said oh with who - I told him he didn't know them. And then changed the subject. When he came over later he was asking Skylar our one year old baby about the barbaque. I didn't say anything. It was strange. When he left two hours later - I told him that if he was going to continue to come over I would appreciate it if he didn't was all the crap she was buying him or her jewelry. Strange I know! He is totally not the man I knew. He said OK. Who knows!! Unfortunately I still love him and want it to work.

Let me know!!

cnf,
He is your H, of course you love him. I have to run out for a minute, but I promise I will reply in full when I get in after he goes to work at 6. In the meantime I am sure other MBers will offer some great advice.

dueinjan, is in a similiar position as you. See if you can find some of her threads. Take care. tew

Thank you! tewjtm! I will wait to here from you later! Cherie

cherie,
O.k. I have a little time as he is off to work and kids are at vacation bible school tonight till 9. I haven't seen dueinjan post in the last couple of days. she also posts at MB under tryingtounderstand. she started a thread that has 3 pages of material called I'm a BS help me to understand the OW. I believe it is on page 6 or 7 of General at gloryb.

The H moved out on March 7 and in with his new W on March 9 - he says March 23. Wow lots of difference....

You two are still married right? I just got confused when you stated new W - wofe. My FMM also moved in w/ me in March of last year. he left his home in Feb. Initially we moved in together for practical reasons - i had lost my job and he had left home and was unable to shell out a huge chunk of money on an apartment when things were so up in the air. Is H there by choice? Or could it be for financial reasons also?

Anyway, I have tried plan A and plan B for a month.

As an OW I am not an expert on MB principles. However, I do believe you are supposed to try a good Plan A for at least 6 months. It is a plan of negotiation. You are bettering yourself and reminding H you can meet his needs WHEN the EMR is over and he is in NC. You begin a Plan B after you send the Plan B letter. A month seems too soon to end Plan A and I don't think the 2 are supposed to be done at the same time. However, I am sure some MB vets will reply and clarify this.

But we have a baby girl who is 14 months - so no contact at this point is a little hard and I don't want the OW around my daughter so I am having him come to my house to see her. He told me over the weekend that he was in love with her - so discussing anything about our relationship wouldn't change anything. He would listen but it really didn't change anything.

WELL THEN DON'T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION OF "RELATIONSHIP" TALKS. TALK ONLY ABOUT daughter. BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE FOR you AND DAUGHTER.

ARGH!!!! D@mn caps!!!

I hear rumor that she is buying a house for them this week. He can't afford to help her in anyway but - it is for them. I know she is stupid for doing that - but it hurts to think that they are trying to build a life together. He has only been gone 3 months.!?!?!?!

I hate that you are in pain. It is especially difficult due to the fact that are situations are very similiar - except that I was the OW. All I can advise is to take care of you and the baby. only he knows what is in his heart. My FMM was very sure when he left what his intentions were. however, your H may not be. only time will tell.

I am seriously thinking about selling the house we had together and moving away. So that Plan B would be easier to handle and actually stick to. I still love him so much and don't want to give up but watching him do what he is doing is so hard. Any thoughts would be appreciated...

I would not leave. Stay close. Do you have supportive friends in the area? Even if you two do D it would be better for daughter if you were still geographically close to one another.

Am cooking dinner and cleaning. I will keep pc on and check in periodically. Take care. tew

One other thing. as you 2 are not married he does not have the "right" to bring the baby around the OW. In fact, he has no rights at this point. In my case it was different as FMM was legally her father and w/ them having been maried he DID and does have rights.

Not that I am advising you to keep d away from him. However, whatever visitation you allow at this point is strictly on your terms until he goes to court to secure his right to access. good luck. tew

Hello! Sorry I wasn't able to log on last night - I had a realtor over and she was there til late.

I am not talking to him much at all when he comes to see Skylar. I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

I truely don't think you purposely went after a married man and set out to break up a family. It may have happened that the two of you had a relationship and that was the end result but I don't the that you are the typical OW. Sorry! I just can't put you in the same category as I do her. I believe she saw what we had - when she and her boyfriend came to our home on New Years eve - and decided that she wanted it. I believe that is why my H is trying so hard to get me to let him introduce Skylar to her again. So they can pretend to be a family. I think thats why she is buying a house for them and agreeing to marry him so quickly. It is a cruel joke as far as I am concerned. And I just don't see you that way. I don't think she would ever be brave enough to get on a sight like this - because of her intentions.

Anyway Thanks for everything. I need to get back to work but I will check in later.

cnf,
I appreciate your kind words. I know I am on a site that is intended to promote Ms - and that is great. The 2 of them honestly should have never married. He is ready to marry. I have made him wait as I wanted to be sure that we were really compatible and not just thriving on the excitement of a new R.

My battery died last night and he had to leave his job to come and get me. I love to read and had him run me to Wal-Mart to get a new book. I left my wallet in the car and forgot to get some money from him. He called to check on me later and I mentioned I really wanted some milk. He said he'd bring me some. I told him not to bother as I could wait until we got off. Twenty minutes later he came and brought milk, cupcakes, and a rose.

He is a great H to me even though we have yet to marry. I admit at first I was very hesitant as it seemed strange that he was ready to leave M so soon. I worried he may do that to me. He didn't present himself as a cake eater, yet I thought maybe this is all a front. Well almost 16 months of living together and almost 3 years involvement later I can honestly say he is all that he presented himself to be and then some.

Anyway, enough gushing. How are you today? Has he been back to see the baby? I hope all is ok on your end. Take care. tew

Hello! Your welcome! How wonderful! Isn't it awesome when they do things that surprise you!

I think that is why I was in such shock over all of this. (Not to say that this is going to happen or will happen to you - it is just my story) My H was incredible - we have had two major fights in three years. The best communication ever. And really working together to make it day to day. He was typically kind of shelfish but these last three years he has showered me with gifts and called all the time. It was amazing! The man of my dreams. After we had Skylar it was better and better until two weeks before he left. I suppose that is when the affair started.

No! He hasn't seen her or called to see how she is doing since last Sunday. He hasn't seen or called to see his other children either. I think the OW may have closed on a house this week or at least that is what the rumor is. Not definite. He is suppose to have his other kids this weekend and hasn't bothered to call and make arrangements yet - its 1:10pm - there mom is way upset. She says that she knew as soon as he pulled his cr*p with me that he would blow of all responsibility. What a mess! We shall see if he calls this weekend. If so I am not sure we will be available to see him. I have people coming over all weekend to help get the house ready to sell.

Anyway better get back to work. I will check in later. Cherie