Could BS's ,who have an aversion in implementing Plan B, subconciously do want to loose all love for their WS's so they can go ahead and divorce them with no regrets on their part? I ask this because that seems to be the case for quite a number of BS's that have stated why they did not want to implement Plan B, and later have divorced or are in the process of divorcing their WS.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 07:34 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I think there's a chance some of the BS's you are referring to may have lost much of their love for their WS during plan A, and so can't be bothered to do plan B, or let plan A go on to long, and so they don't have the patience for plan B.

For me, as a quasi-BS (definite FWS), I couldn't be bothered to do plan B for a few reasons. For one, I didn't have the strength to maintain such boundaries (I was easily manipulated by my H, after years of practice). Two, I really didn't imagine plan B would make much of a difference. Three, my patience and optimism was/is pretty much shot. I just want to move on with life now, as I can't imagine my H turning himself around.

I am curious to hear why other BSs have skipped plan B.

Jen

In my case I think I was a long time reluctant to a separation because
- The risk of losing my wife forever; being afraid of doing something wrong and therefore forfeiting my chances of recovering my marriage. Also, I had a feeling of being paralysed by the fear of making things worse
- A sense of unfairness, if I have to move out and have to leave all behind (I mean, it’s not me who left the family emotionally, but her!)
- Fear of coping alone and starting all over again, fear of never being able to trust another one
- Wishful thinging & hope: A long time my wishful thinking and hope that something better was just right around the corner was stronger than my frustration of ENs not being met…. Not anymore though.
- A stubbornness that remains to date, that “this simply cannot be true!”

TMCM:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could BS's ,who have an aversion in implementing Plan B, subconciously do want to loose all love for their WS's so they can go ahead and divorce them with no regrets on their part? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I doubt that this is really much of an issue. Of all the things that I went through during my wife's affair (discovery, her unwillingness to call it off, her pregnancy by the OM, recovery); the single most difficult decision that I made (by far) was the decision to separate from her and the kids (Plan B). It's like stepping off of a cliff blindfolded---you have no idea if you're going to fall 6 inches or 600 feet. I'm sure that many BS's feel that Plan B will be the beginning of the end of their marriage---when in fact, it may be the end of their old marriage and a beginning of a new, better marriage.

But it's a tough decision. I really trusted Steve's guidance in this---it wasn't something that I necessarily thought I "had to" do, and left to myself, I probably would have lingered too long in Plan A.

I do think you have a point about loosing all the love , and it being easier to just let go all at once .

Regrets I think (IMVHO) there is and always be some regret .

There are all of the above reseans and I am sure alot others cause every WS/BS is different .

Also there could be kids involved , as in my case .

I feel PLAN B would be finishing the R .

Once WS is gone and chooses to move in or be with OP then the children will get involved (meeeting , seeing ,and possiable sleeping over )

Once my WS would take that step I could never forgive or forget . I do not feel it is right to PING PONG kids around through something like this .

To alter there life so ws can see if the "NEW" life is suitable . THEN possiable decision to come home and now put the kids through yet another situation (explaining it again the change of heart ect. and the recovery stage )

Then they have to live through the fear is there DAD going to leave again ?

And then they get past that and there could be yet another false recovery and PLAN B happens again and so on and so on .

I just feel its better to let the bank run dry and end it when enough is enough .

That is just my personal take , some people fear the lonelyness & the unknow .

All in all it is an indivdual choice and a matter of knowing what you can handle in either PLAN , and also knowing the WS personality .

I don't think going to PLAN B is wrong for some and I do not see anyone as weak or manipulated for not going to PLAN B .

THIS is a very good thread and I think some on the fence of PLAN B will be able to get alot of use out of it .

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: 3isacrowd ]</small>

I think PLAN B is scary because you can't fool yourself anymore into thinking that you have any control over what's happening. At least, in PLAN A I felt that I was taking some action in regards to the relationship. Now, it's sit around and wait. In reality, I was ineffectual in changing my WS but I was under that illusion.

Now I really have to focus in on myself. I have no other choice. That's scary being alone after being part of a team for most of my life. Like others have said, my WS had already left the team but I hadn't. It's hard to accept the reality of that. That's what PLAN B does for you. Makes you accept reality and to stop the DENIAL.

My reluctance to do PLAN B was my fear of divorce. However, in the long run, I think it's the best for me. Me being better is best for any relationship I would have with my WS or anyone else, if at all, in the future.

My general impression is that people end up choosing in a way that is consistent with a willingness to risk death by a thousand cuts than take risk death by the deep plunge. In other words, just avoiding the big scary leap. Risk aversion with a short-term focus. Sort of like how some people would buy a $1 lottery ticket with 1:billion odds, but they won't buy a $1 million ticket with advertised 1:3 odds.

Then by the time they think that death the slow way isn't going to work, there isn't enough left to go through a Plan B. The fear is less, but the love is also less.

One reason I would debate your suggestion is that I went into plan B with the intention of losing my love and going out with fewer regrets. I don't think the subcouncious stuff isn't there, but just that it isn't as direct motivator as fear or risk aversion.

I've been in Plan B since early Feb. 2003. WH moved in w/OW 12/31/02. My decision to Plan B was based on the fact that WH would not stop contact w/OW, even after he promised me many times that he would. I felt I had no choice, I could not stay on the emotional roller coaster he was driving anymore. I took myself out of the triangle for my own health and peace of mind.

Now 5 months later, WH is still living w/OW. I have had 1 letter and 1 email from him since late Jan. In turn, I have written 2 short notes to him regarding finances, passed along through our go-between, my MIL. MIL also relays info about him to me, and probably info about me to him, but this is becoming less frequent. Our children, 25 and 23, have almost no contact w/ their father, they are disgusted with his behavior.

At first I thought WH would come to his senses, realize what and whom he had left, and try to reconcile with me long before now. I honestly don't know how he can live with himself, but he hasn't made any moves toward coming back that I can see.

In the meantime, I have learned SO MANY things about myself. I have learned that my greatest fear is abandonment, and I have to conquer that fear now. It was very scary for me to live alone this winter, but I did it. I have learned that, under stress, I lose my ability to focus on others as much as I'd like, and reduce the many positive thoughts about the future that I had pre-A. I miss these, and many other traits that I like in myself, but I'm hoping as this nightmare recedes into the past I'll be able to reclaim my SELF. I have also reinforced my knowledge that if I THINK I can do something, I probably can.

Right now, I smile more often when I think of life without WH. Our marriage really wasn't very good. I have determined which boundary conditions to set up should he want to reconcile, and I will not back down on these. One condition is that I will never again allow myself to be involved in a sexual relationship that is not healthy, either with WH or, after Dv, with another man. I will also not allow myself to play rescuer to WH's, or anyone else's, victim.

As for losing my love for WH, I really don't know how much is left. I miss him and our previous lives some days, especially the feeling of "family". Since he has not seen fit to return to the marriage, however, I am losing hope that he will, and I'm getting used to the idea of moving on without him. I think this is healthy for me. At this point, I'm still determined not to file for Dv but to let him do the dirty work if that's what he wants.

So in retrospect, I'm glad I went to Plan B when I did. The motivation to do so was for self-preservation. I'm not the same person I was 5 months ago and my future, though still uncertain, is less frightening.
Lablady

Me BS 48
WH 48
M 25 yrs
2 children, S 25, D 23
OW 44, co-worker, widow
Dday July 2002
WH moves in w/mother 10/02
WH goes back and forth btwn me and OW promising NC 8 times
12/02 WH moves back home against my better judgement for the holidays
12/31/02 WH moves in w/OW
1/29/03 Letter from WH saying he's not sure what he wants
2/7/03 Plan B letter sent to WH
5/5/03 email from WH mostly about financial stuff

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">est:

"I went into plan B with the intention of losing my love and going out with fewer regrets."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems that you were on the knife edge of going one way(marital rebuilding) or the other(divorce), and any more time spent on Plan A would have pushed your love over the edge.

I think BSes don't go to Plan B from fear.

Unfortunately, as a result of NOT going to Plan B, and therefore NOT demonstrating self-respect, and NOT providing real, relatively immediate consequences that too much damage is done on both sides of the marriage, and there is nothing left but divorce.

I think not going to plan B is WHY so many end up divorced instead.