i dont know why im feeling so bad today,seems like just when im starting to feel stronger, i have to slip back down a little, i keep thinking about all the things i feel like i did wrong,
1.if only i didnt throw him out when he told me about ow
2.if only i paid more attention to him
3. if only i took better care of myself
4.if i didnt forget to do things for myself
5.if i could have just kept quiet when i found out he was still going to lunch with ow, or talking for hours on the phone with ow.
6.if i only knew what it was i wasnt doing for him that she is.
7.if i could figure out what went wrong so i could fix it
8.if i only found this site in the begining
i just cant help but see all the things i did wrong, things that i wonder did i just push him into her arms? everytime i did something wrong he would just run to her and she was there for him every time, and i feel like i just made there relationship stronger.when is she going to do something wrong? why does the op seem so perfect in the ws eyes?
sorry im just having a bad day, and i dont know why? yes i do, because it seems like when we are starting to get close, he pulls away, like he doesnt want to love me,and then im left here wondering what i did wrong? thinking it is my fault. actually i havent done anything wrong since he left, i dont do any lb, i just smile and b happy dont talk about m or d, dont call him, dont tell him i love him.and if he calls or needs me im always here for him, and he does call alot.and i havent cried in awhile, but today i just cant help it.cant help blaming myself for some of this mess <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

There is a big difference in blaming yourself for what happened and taking some responsibility for the things that happened. YOU are not to blame. My guess is that you have been given all kinds of reasons as to how you "drove" him to make decisions and act the way he did. You may be responsible to your WS, but you are NOT responsible FOR his actions, feelings, statements, or anything else! HE made choices, HE made decisions, HE acted upon his own impulses. The crying comes from the letting go, the realizations, the memories...it is all part of the roller coaster ride journey you are on! There are good days and bad months and years later where nagging questions still hang on and need answers and reinforcments. Don't live in the past and ask how and what if....Live in the present and say...NOW I WILL....move forward...the only thing in that past greater than the memories, are the painful ones....Take care of yourself and know that you did not cause this!! This was not your fault....and no matter what you did, how good you looked, how you acted....he would have made the same choices!! The question now is who do you want to be and how will you fix this together!!??

Hang in there...strap in for the ride...it's a wild and wooly one!!

Oh Malcswife....I know how you feel. Life, while involved in an triangle, is an emotional rollercoaster in itself. I'm not even near personal recovery myself, but I have learned from MB and all of the wonderful people (and their advice) that you should not fret over anything that you could have said or done. None of this is YOUR fault and even if you "zigged", he would have "zagged". My WS is always "coming home" or he is going to "OW" to pack bags. He even goes as far as telling other people; so now even they believe he is a liar. But, it all equates to one thing....he/she cannot make a decision to be anything that we want them to be, until they are ready to do it themselves. The fog has lifted from my H's eyes on so many occasions, I have lost count. Recently, it is at least 3x per week. However, I have learned (with the support of others) that you just have to let them come to you. Remember, they offended, not you. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world. If you were not meeting their needs in other ways (pity they forget to tell us before they go and stray), they would do it anyway. I asked myself the same questions over and over and over again. As for me, rainy days make me very sad. Not so much because of the gloominess, but because they were are favorite times as a couple, and as a family. While others wouldn't venture out in the rain, we, with our kids in tow, would be out there having ourselves a ball. These days make me weepy and thoughtful and I keep asking all the why's of what H has done? Even he (H) cannot provide me the answers. I try not to focus anymore, even though it is difficult. I surround myself with people who will take my mind off of my sadness. My H continually puts distance between us (even while we are sitting on the same sofa). This is how I know, in spite of all his protestations, that he is not ready to come back to me. We were once two individuals who,while not very lovey dovey in public, were very touchy and close at home. Now, he puts things between us, ie., pillows, books, etc., so that we are not sitting/touching. I get angry and feel that he acts like he is cheating on OW who he treats more like his wife. I ache and I yearn to be held, but you know what....I'd rather be alone that withstand the heartache of indifference from my H. So, instead of wondering and asking myself all of the why's, when's, and how's....I fill up my mind with...are there any new movies, what time should I leave for the shore, etc., etc.

thanks trueheart and karena,
h keeps telling me it is not my fault that is just him, and he doesnt understand it himself, he said stop blaming yourself! and like you said i dint make him chose this new life he wants,i know i never did anything to deserve this kind of pain.i wonder if he realises how bad the pain can get some days, do they feel it to? i guess not or they wouldnt b doing it.
i know what kind of person i want to b, i want to b strong, i want to b a role model for my daughters and my son,i want them to see i can get us through anything, and i will never let them down the way there dad did!
we also loved the rainy days, and the cold, the day we met it was raining, as soon as anyone felt a sprinkle the kids would b out side twirling, getting soaked! and we would sit outside and talk and laugh.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

my friend came by and took me out for a drive, i feel much better now, thanks to her and thanks to you all, i feel better now but i know ill b back needing your support and thoughtful words again.i wish the good feelings would last forever, for all of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

felling a little bad today, not as bad as yesterday,today was the last day of school for 4 of my kids, i spend alot of my time there volunteering,pto, whatever i can do im there. just trying to keep busy. so now im feeeling a little worried about how im going to b feeling with not much to do this summer, kids are going to summer school, so i will have alot of time alone.
talked to h yesterday, just about stuff, he was telling me some of his fears, how he thinks about me when were apart, wonders what im doing at night.and he told me he had a fear of being with ow, because he feels he might not b able to please some one who has been with other men, we both were each others firsts and he never had to worrie about this with me he said,i asked if if he would feel comfortable saying some of the things he says to me to ow, he said no i dont think i could say these things to her. and i knew then that is one of the things he doesnt have and never willhave with ow, the comfort to b totally honest about everything, wich just made me feel a little better, sometimes he would call just to talk about something it didnt seem like much but i realise now it was something he didnt fell comfortable talking to her about.we have been best friends for over 18 years,over half our lifes,i dont think that is something that can easily b replaced. and honestly i know it never will b what we share doesnt happen more than once in your life, he will soon start to see this, i hope? i hope hell start to see there relationship is something so shallow compared to ours. and he will get tired of always putting on a show and never being able to just b himself, is that what happens when a affair starts to fall apart? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by malcswife:
<strong>talked to h yesterday, just about stuff, he was telling me some of his fears, how he thinks about me when were apart, wonders what im doing at night.and he told me he had a fear of being with ow,

i hope hell start to see there relationship is something so shallow compared to ours. and he will get tired of always putting on a show and never being able to just b himself, is that what happens when a affair starts to fall apart?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{{{{{{Malcswife}}}}}}}}},

BIG MB hugs for you!

It sounds good - that your WH is missing you & the closeness you share. That is good!!!

Are you doing Plan A on him? You should be doing a GOOD Plan A now....let him see how you will fulfill his EN's.

Secondly, your last paragraph says it all! Yes, eventually most of them DO see how shallow and empty their relationship is! It takes time, tho. First they have to get over the "glow" of that "in-love" feeling (BLECH!!!!), and then they look around and sometimes can actually see the devastation they have caused.

It sounds good that your H' is missing some convo's b/t you and he......some level of intimacy that ONLY YOU two share!! That is very good. Let him continue to come to you with those concerns for now. DO NOT judge, DO NOT push him away. This is what Plan A is good for!

Finally, yes, you asked what is it like when A's start to fall apart.....if you haven't done so, you need to read all about this in the Concepts pages on this site. Go to the Concepts LInk at the top of this page, and read everything - especially how A's get started, and how they end......that will serve you well in the future.

P.S. You're doing great! Don't worry about the tears. That's normal...it only proves you're "human" and that you love your H, and are grieving for what has been lost. It's normal. NOT FUN, but normal. We have all been there, and understand.

Good luck, and God Bless.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

whoo-hoo, you mean im actually doing something right? im starting to learn something?
i think im doing a very good plan a ive learned to just b qiuiet and listen, even if he is saying something i dont want to hear, i want him to b able to trust me again to share his feelings with me, and ive noticed h started to share somethings he does w ow,just like rides home things like that. i realised we havent been this close in awhile, and i never go to him im confident that when he misses me enough he will call and you know what? he always does! i feel a little sorry for ow, because i dont think she realises what she is getting herself into,she doesnt realise how close we still are and always will b, and it is him that cant really let go now,she thought it was just me holding on to him, but now i think it is him not wanting to lose his family and his best friend.
i also read somewhere that if i dont give them something to talk about, that what i was doing was a big part of there relationship, is that true? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />