Hi H_P!

I miss you! How have you been? What are you up to?

I received the word that X is dropping his custody suit. My thread is somewhere back there if you want to peek...

Hope you and the kids are well.

Hi Kily,
Thanks for your message to me. I miss you too! I do come and read from time to time, but I don't reply too much. I'll reread your post when I have time this evening, and respond over there.

I still need to respond to some people who answered on my thread at the end of May. (Gosh, the 21st?)

I guess I haven't seen any changes at all, Kily. ExH doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't try at all, it was too painful to get turned down each time I called. (I didn't ask very many times, that's true.)

I was sending him weekly emails where I'd proclaim my love, etc. He never responded, so the last one was on May 13. I'll send one again, sometime, but for now it seems pointless.

His non-response to me is very sad. I've given him money for some expenses that he paid--out of my own doing, not from his request-- and he didn't say, "Thanks". There's literally nothing to say to me. He won't look me in the eyes , either. He rarely walks through the door when he gets the kids. His M.O. is to pull in the driveway, and then quickly reverse.

I still think it was misleading that he said he would go with me to counseling, last July, and then hasn't agreed to go since. Maybe this is common.

One poster thinks that I should just show up at his place, and express all to him... that this situation calls for 'drama'. I'm a bit of the "Save the drama for Mama" belief. I don't know what it would prove. I'm tired of feeling I have to beg someone into loving me. I deserve more than that. Yes, I messed up, but I've been very willing to make amends. People ask me why I don't date. I simply tell them I still love my husband, and I'm not ready to think of anyone else. My affair was, to me, kind of a MLC, or a nervous breakdown of sorts. I also see it as a huge self-destructive act, following in my family tradition-so to speak. It was completely out of character.

Thanks for asking, Kily. This turned into a bit of a vent. I'm busy in my job, I love my career and my children. I have great friends, family, and I have an artistic hobby I love. I still haven't gotten re-involved in my church. I suppose I should.

I don't like being divorced. I miss my husband deeply. Still haven't let go of the past. Still hoping he will call me up, and want to be with me. HOwever, I realize that's about a one in a thousand chance, or less of a chance than that! If he never does, so be it. I tried my best, and I deserve a willing kind of love from a man ,not a coerced one.

I still have my plan of waiting this out another few years before giving up completely . Perhaps that's crazy, but I feel I need to do that.

Any suggestions/ideas are deeply appreciated!

Thanks and take care,
H_P

PS I'm glad he's dropped the custody suit. I'll write on that later on today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still have my plan of waiting this out another few years before giving up completely . Perhaps that's crazy, but I feel I need to do that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi H_P, I'm glad that you are still with us.

Now as far as you waiting this out another few years, no you are definetely NOT crazy for doing so. It's one thing that a legal piece of paper says the two of you are divorced, but it's a totally different thing to divorce your feelings from a man you have experienced twenty years of history with. And you have to learn how to find happiness as an individual before you share your life with another person once more. BUT don't be too surprised if you do not reach your goal, not so much because another man may appear on the scene to sweep you off your feet, but because your feelings for your X may die before that happens. Anyway, concentrate on yourself and your kids, and who knows? just maybe your X may eventually will see you in a different light.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

BUT don't be too surprised if you do not reach your goal, not so much because another man may appear on the scene to sweep you up your feet, but because your feelings for your X may die before that happens.

Thanks for this reminder - I felt like if I set a goal I should keep it, and it concerned me when I wondered if I would, because I was starting to let go more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I felt like if I set a goal I should keep it, and it concerned me when I wondered if I would, because I was starting to let go more."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's why I don't beleive in rigid artificial deadlines for individual recovery. The point is to give yourself as much time as possible for your feelings for your X to die a natural death.

H_P-

I'm so glad that you responded. Sorry to hear that there's been non movement with H. It's nice to see that there's been plenty of movement with you though.

I'm proud of you.

Hugs.

Thanks, Kily, Coffeeman, and Adgirl~~

I appreciate your support!

Coffeeman, it's hard to imagine that I'll lose my feelings for my exhusband. I've loved him romantically for 24 years, and I became his friend 30 years ago. He was truly so much to me, and I blew it completely. I still can't see how I betrayed him as I did. How rotten humans can be, including me!

Last night I was again "Sleepless in ......." I dream about him quite often. It's sad, that I've done this to my life.

I can only hope and pray that anyone who's contemplating an affair can wake up and realize what they'll lose if they do it. Even if my husband (oops, ex) does return to me, I'll have this cloud of ugliness over me forever. If I move on to another life without him, I'll still have this burden to carry. Who wants to hook up with a person who betrays?

Thanks for listening, and for caring,
H_P

H_P

I too have been dreaming a lot. Mostly I seem to be inflicting pain on Shiney Head when she appears in the dreams!!!

On the question of who would want to be with someone who betrays, well, you listen to me and you listen good. I am going to give you a quick slap here (in the nicest possible way of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). Once, a while ago, I betrayed. I did the most terrible thing to my husband, the person I was meant to love the most. I strayed so badly the damage I did not only to him but to myself was immense. I was so very wrong, and what I did was so very bad. It was however an isolated incident. It will never ever happen again. I am not a betrayer by nature, by heart or in any shape form or fashion. I still wonder how I got to where I did. I refuse to refer to myself now as a WS or even a FWS - I was someone who made the worst mistake of their life. But I have forgiven myself. A label, a tag, a name, it's what we learn from our mistakes and how we put them right in the future that is important.

You H_P have learnt a lot and one day, you will either find love and romance again with your ex, or with someone new. I don't believe that anyone as bright, articulate and caring as you will be on their own for the rest of their lives. No, no, no. Forgive yourself H_P and let it go. I will always live with it to a certain extent, but not so that it paralyses my life now or in the future.

Thinking of you in sunny blustery London.

Lisa

hopeful person,
I feel so sad for you. Lisa in London is right about forgiving yourself and being free. You really can live free and you don't have to have your past follow you. I think I feel sad because I see how guilty and torn up you are and I know my ex-WH will eventually completely feel this way- he is already miserable- and it just makes me sad to see such wasted time and life. Please try to let yourself go- You truly are an example of someone who has changed.

Thanks , AdGirl and Lisa.

I try my best not to beat myself up. I guess I have a hard time accepting that I can be so low a soul as to cheat on my exH the way I did. I do accept it though, and it is simply humbling.

Take care, and thanks to you and all others here at MB who've helped so much.
H_P

I guess I have a hard time accepting that I can be so low a soul as to cheat on my exH the way I did

Maybe you should accept that you were NOT so low a soul, but simply a human being who made a BIG mistake and has now learned from it and wants to move on instead of living in the past? You ARE worthy of love, and while you are humbled, which is always a good thing for ALL of us, I hope you can also forgive yourself.

Well h_p, you were so objective and helpful to me today, it's time to try to return the favour.

I just read this whole thread and updated myself a bit on your situation. You are still beating yourself up for something that is done and over with and that you fully realize was wrong. Time to forgive yourself and move on my dear! Believe me, I know how hard it is, when as you say, you have to live with it for the rest of your life. But we're only here once as far as I know, so it's time to start living life to the fullest and enjoying it as much as the next person, now, today, not tomorrow when you feel like you've atoned enough for your mistake. You are not "a person who betrays", you are someone who made A MISTAKE, ONCE, in the past, and has really come to realize the full gravity of it to the point where you know you'd never do it again. Am I not right?

I try my best not to beat myself up. I guess I have a hard time accepting that I can be so low a soul as to cheat on my exH the way I did.Now I get to turn your question to me back on you.... What is the payoff, to you, for holding onto the guilt, and living this way? Psychologists claim there's always a payoff. What's yours, in holding on to this?

Sorry to use your own wisdom on you, but I think everything in this life just may happen for a reason. I'm glad we crossed paths today. So think on that question a little for yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I also agree wholeheartedly with adgirl's last post right above mine.

Take care h_p!

Jen