last night we went to a t ball game for our s, as a family. on the way h had to listen to his cds, and all he wanted to hear were these stupid love songs, and i know who he is thinking about! and all i wanted to do was turn and yell at him and say hey! im sitting right here cant you wait and have your stupid fantasys after were gone! i mean heck kids were in the car too! doesnt he realise how dumb it makes him look!and he is singing along to the music! words that just hurt so bad! one song he was playing says "you make me want to leave the one im with and start a new realationship" is he stupid? im sitting right there! doesnt he think my pain is great enough already! does he want me to die of a broken heart right there in the car? another song he had to hear was "its our anniversary" he played that one over and over. and all i could do was think why? is it there aniversary of the first time they went to lunch or the first time they talked on the phone?and then idiot boy turns to me and says, do you know what day i got my car? and then i knew, it was the first time they went to lunch! i was so mad! it was all i could do not to turn and yell! i just wanted to punch him in his gut! and i hate that car!! i know if he didnt get it he wouldnt have the nerve to take her to lunch, because he used to drive a big 12 passenger van.
so i held back tears on the way home, took some deep breaths, said a few prayers, and told myself go ahead let him think hes in love i know and he knows it will never b as good as us! hes in for alot of hurt! hes in for nothing but guilt and longing for the way his life used to b! she will never take care of him the way i did! shes not going to rub his feet after he has a hard day, or heat up socks in the microwave to put on his aching ankles when the cold is bothering his arthritis. or cook him his favorite meal,or have his clothes set out for him after his shower,i spoiled him! and no ow will ever compare!
one thing that made me fell alot better was when he dropped us off we just all got out and said bye,and went inside i was the last one to go in i turned to say bye, he just sat in the car, and as i turned to shut his door i said "ok big guy bye" i shut his door and walked away,he sat there with his eyes shut, wich is what he always does when trying not to cry. i went in locked the door and pretty soon he was at the door he tried to just walk in but couldnt, he had to knocki opened it and he stood there with tears in his eyes, quikly walked in and said he had to use the bathroom.this weekend he has no home, his roomate is having his boys over, so he has to find some wherre else to sleep till sunday, hes probobly at his moms sleeping on the floor.
i hate to say it but sometimes i thik what an IDIOT!! you have al this a wife who do anything for you and has for the past 16 years, five children who adore you and your walking away from it for what? a stupid selfish ow! who doesnt care about your kids? a woman that everyone says she looks like a man in drag! why do i bother? how could i love a man like this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

So sorry you are hurting....could you give some background about how long you've been apart, how long A has been going on?

h has been out of the house since april,ea has been going on since, i thought august but probobly sooner, i know it has not turned into pa because when we are togeher he lets me give him hickies everywhere exept where his uniform does not cover, ow is co worker. i know he wants to divorce me so he date her, spend more time with her.

Okay, so have you been following a plan of some sort to get your husband back? If he's still letting you give him hickies at all...seems like that says something. Did you do a Plan A for a determined length of time and then move to Plan B? Or are you just sort of lost and not know what to do and haven't planned at all? It's okay, this is hard.

im just doing plan a, no determined time line? im not sure what im doing? just trying to let him see im still the person he fell in love with im just trying not to give him any reason to divorce me that way at least i wont feel like i am to blame, i dont want to have the guilt. just trying to b his best friend, his lover. plan b i dont know? i dont know? and now im sitting here crying again, hes here in the house, went out for ice, i called him to ask him for grocerie money, i was going to pick it up from him but he said he was nearby and would drop it off, he came this morning and he hasnt left yet i dont want to throw him out, but im confused and im feeling a little resenful,not sure why? hes back got to go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

malcswife,

Okay, Let's start at the beginning shall we. Plan A is about ending the affair....period. It's not about making him happy or being his love slave or even the best person you can be. It's for the sole purpose of ending the affair. You are giving him a look at what he is losing in order to encourage the affair to stop. You stop Love busters. You use honesty to tell him how the affair is making you feel. You expose the affair to the light of day....family, friends, coworkers etc. You do all of these things simultaneously and you do it for a limited amount of time, because you don't want your spouse to get used to the tender care of two women....and become a cake eater. Your husband is a cake eater. Why should he change when you will give him whatever he wants without ending the affair? I think you should limit the rest of your Plan A to a very short one because you have been filling his needs far too long already. Then, you move to Plan B. here is the link for Plan A and B. Stop playing around chere....you've wasted alot of time and it's time to get your husband back while you still can. Dry up those tears and READ and get SMART.

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

im scared! im scared to death of everything of telling him how i feel, because ive done it and he doesnt care, he still wants ow even though he knows what it is doing to me and the kids
ive told everyone! his family ow family co workers, friends, ive called his boss,
she wont let go and niether will he!
i dont know what else to do, i pray everyday! hes still here in the other room, and i dont want to go in there anfd cry to him anymore! he said he already made up his mind to d me and i dont know what else to do but go on with my life and mabey he will come back, or ill find some one else. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know you're scared, but if you continue this way, you won't encourage him to end the affair. Do you want the affair to continue....because if you don't...you must come up with a plan to end the affair and be willing to take the risks that are involved with doing that. Plan A is not a lifestyle...it has a purpose....the pupose is to end the affair...anything else is unsatisfactory and will prolong your pain and unhappiness. Take heart.

i had been running in and out all day,doing a baby shower with my mom for my baby sis, she had a little girl, shes sooo cute!
anyway each time i came back home he would still b here, and it bothered me i wanted him to go but did not know how? because the last tme he asked to stay over, then i could answer and say no it wasnt fair to the kids, but this time he just came and didnt leave, and i dont know how to say hey what are you doing? you said you didnt want to live here anymore,what the heck are you doing? i dont feel like i really have been doing a good plan a, i feel like i only started doing in the last 3 weeks, after i got out of the hospital and had time to heal,i gues i was thinking about staying in plan a until he finally files the papers? and since i started doing a good plan a i have noticed a big difference in him,he calls me now. the only time ive called him was today, and i really did not want to but we needed groceries. i dont plan on calling him again
have you read my other posts?
he was gone when i came home this last time, i was relieved! i think we were all a little tense with him here, the house and everything is feeling much better now,he has a big fear of being alone, i never realised it until the other night, he called drunk from the bar and needed a ride to his appartment, so i picked him up, he was pretty drunk, he said he was talking to some friends im not sure of the whole conversation but he said to them "i just want someone to take me home" they asked why? he said "cause i dont want to b alone" it is the most ive heard him say about his feelings.
i w <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ant ow to know he still calls me to talk,or still wants to b with me,when we are together thats all i can think is hes lying to her too,i wish she would find out,and i wonder what would happen if she knew?

oh by the way i accidently dropped that cd he was listening to on the pavement outside,and it may have a scratch or 2 on it? but i tried to b very careful as i dragged it along the ground. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> funny how little things can make you feel so much better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Malcswife,
Been following your posts. Now just how your feeling. I still love my WH despite the pain he's causing.
Check out my last few posts on my thread. I so enjoyed his last visit, he hadn't seen the kids in over 6 weeks and he was the most like my old H than he's been in the 6 mos. since D day.
But I really think it's time to move on to Plan B even though it's the scariest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm not sure how he'll percieve this step.
Will it seal the deal and lose him for good?
I know it works though, I've seen it here. But knowing that I won't be able to see or talk to him for possibly a long time, really frightens me.
I'll be posting my Plan B letter soon before I send it.
We really have to be strong, and not let them have the best of boths worlds. That's when they start taking advantage of us and our love for them.
You sound so much better though. Keep it up. I love the CD story. Way to go!!

malc

I haven't read your other posts, but I will...I'll go back and read them...but I know how Plan A and B work....and how Dr. Harley intends them to work. From what you describe...and I want to read the other posts before committing...but your Plan A will not help end your H's affair. Plan A is the least understood and most misused piece of advice on this board. People so often think its about making your spouse happy...it's not. Look at him....he IS having his needs met by EVERYONE. He has no motivation to change. You don't need Plan A at this point...you more than likely need Plan B...especially if you have been doing this as long as you have and you aren't any closer to an end to this.

Malc,

Been reading some of your old posts. Here is a quote I think you need to see...because over the past few weeks...it appears your H has been moving towards you and the family.

"When your spouse is trying to decide between you and the lover, it's time for Plan B."
...Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

If it looks like your H is coming around...it's time to END the affair.

I did try plan b before i got sick, only lasted a week. if i didnt get sick i know i was strong enough to go through with it, then. but how do you do plan b when there are kids involved? and i know that is his excuse to see me or us.when we are together he always says wife,lets sit over here. or has to b near me, it seems like he would rather just b around me and not the kids i know that sound terrible but even my d said how come daddy is always telling us to go away?
im so scared to tell him nc,well idid tell him only when the kids are involved, but it seems like when we do something w the kids after h leaves he will call me after he knows they are asleep.
i guess i was thinking i would just go on with life like i accepted his decision to d me, and slowly make myself less and less available to him.because i like the fact that he is calling now not me and when we are together i see himlooking at me,like he is wondering something i dont know?
i just hate having to worry about him all the time im tired of it!i just want to enjoy my life and my children, they are so great!he thinks just because he talked to them and told him his reasons for leaving they will forgive him for destroying there home, yeah right! he actually sat them down without me in the room and tld them he was leaving because he didnt love me as much as he used to! how bad do you think that hurt? just the thought of it now,the crack in my heart just opened up again <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
oh and i found a song of my own,been playing it all day and singing along,h probobly thought i was singing to him but nope! it is what some day some one will b singing to me, if he is lucky it will b him! its "i wanna know" by joe
iwanna know what turns you on so i can b all that and more
id like know what makes you cry, so i can b the one who always makes you smile
girl he never understood what you were worth
and he never took the time to make it work
baby im the kind of man who shows concern
any way that i can please you let me learn
tell me what i gotta do to please you
baby anything you say ill do cause i only wanna make you happy from the bottom of my heart its true
i wish that i could take a journey through your mind and find emotion that you always tried to hide
i do believe that theres a love you wanna share ill take good care of you lady have no fear
i wanna know what turns you on so i can b all that and more
id like to know what makes you cry so i can b the one who always makes you smile
I LOVE THIS SONG!! some day some one will feel this way about me! i dont know why but it makes me feel better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Most of the people on this site who have had to move to Plan B have children. When you commence no contact....the first thing you do is pick an intermediary....someone who communicates between the two of you. Arrangements for visiting the children are done through the help of this person. No contact means no contact. You no longer do things TOGETHER with the children. When he is with the children...you aren't and vice versa. You write a Plan B letter that the folks here will help you with. Post it and get help editting it and defining the aim of the letter....which is to end the affair. You can't go on coddling this man malc....right now, you are his doormat and doormats are not very attractive. That's not where you want to be. From your other posts....it appears that he has come around to thinking about his family....DO NOT miss the opportunity to make that work for you by waiting too long for Plan B. You have got to be stronger and make no contact....really mean no contact.

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>