My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 children under the age of 5. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband has a good job. My husband told me 6 weeks ago that he was about to have a physical affair with someone that works for him and then did so. I started implementing Plan B but he doesn't care. He is currently going to individual counseling and so am I. He has told me many things over the past few weeks, but always comes back to 'we don't have a chance' and 'I don't want it to work'. Tonight he told me as simply as he could that his therapist has been helping him decide what it is that he wants, and he does not want to be in the marriage and he does not want the marriage to work. I feel like anything can be changed if the intent is there. That's the problem, there is no intent on his part and nothing I say or do can change that. Has anyone experienced this at all or has any thoughts? I feel so lost and blown away. During our marriage he never said anything was wrong...never, even when asked. Five months ago he started pulling away and then he had the affair and now there is no way to go back. I am in shock because everything that I thought was true is not. He says that he is not in love with the other woman, and that there is no future with her. Not with me either. Now that we are separated he said that he is happier. He has been doing crazymaking things just to get me angry and has been pushing me away further and further to the point that he doesn't believe anything I say, or trust me at all (yes, he was the one that had the affair). Why is all of this happening? I don't understand any of this....please help....anyone...
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heart,

Welcome to forum. Weekends...especially Saturday nights are very slow....but there will be a few folks here, and I'm going to try to give you the best advice I can right now. It should help you feel a little better.

First, try to remember that nothing your husband says right now while he is still in "the fog" of infatuation is real. It hurts, I know, almost all of us know....but don't believe what he says, or base your actions on what he says. It is typical....very typical of a wayward spouse.

Tommorow, Go out first thing....and get a copy of "Surviving an Affair", it will be the best money you have invested in a while. Call the Harleys if you can afford it...again, a good investment.

Now, for the stern part...WHY are you going to a Plan B? Have you done a Plan A? Do you know how plan A and B work and why they need to be done in sequence? They are a logical, reasonable way to put an end to the affair...but to get the best results.....you should have a coach or at the very least find a mentor of some sort here to help you. (Harleys would be best)

Let's talk about your plan, okay....because once you have one...you'll feel a whole lot better.

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 10:27 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Whoa, I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Sometimes there isn't a good explanation, and right now you should not worry about figuring him out. First of all, the first of many questions:

1 - Are you physically separated right now? And if so, are you still in the house with the kids, and is he paying any support? Do you have access to your own bank accounts and credit cards?

2 - Do you have outside activities, friends, or interests that can help you escape from this once in a while? Things that can help you build self esteem without getting into an affair yourself?

3 - Do you understand the difference between plan A and plan B? Generally, plan A comes first even if you are separated. If you really jumped straight into plan B, there are some circumstances that warrant it, but in plan B you should not be having contact with him at all.

His therapist is a big part of the problem. Some of them will help a client justify almost anything he wants to do. At some point you might want to get both of you into marriage counseling, but a marriage counselor has to be chosen carefully, too. For right now, stay away from this therapist, or anyone recommended by this therapist or your husband.

Keep posting. You can often vent things here, that you would not tell your family or friends.

There is also phone counseling available through this site, which I found helpful even though my marriage is going to end in divorce.

Thank you both for your input. We are physically separated. I am in the house with the kids. He is at his mother's house, and he still has the direct deposit in effect. Nothing regarding finances has changed. I am a stay at home mom, so I am totally dependent on his income and he knows that.
I feel that I have a pretty high self esteem, although I have done some pretty stupid things since he told me. I don't blame myself for the affair or for how he is treating me. I have friends and family that are helping. I also have been doing a lot of gardening with the free time lately. That has helped.
I think I understand the basics of Plan A and B, and I know that Plan A should come first. I tried the best I could, but he still was jumping from one to the other. I couldn't take it anymore and asked him to leave. The only reason why we have contact is because of the kids. We have been trying to keep that at an all time minimum, but still fight none the less.
So far, I think his therapist has been alright. He lets my husband think everything is his idea, but guides him to OK decisions...such as changing his mind about having the OW hang out with the kids (which he did twice before he talked with the therapist).

I'm lost. What do I do now since I messed up Plan A and feel like I am messing up Plan B?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heart full of tears:
<strong>I'm lost. What do I do now since I messed up Plan A and feel like I am messing up Plan B?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{{{{{{{{{fulloftears}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Here's a great big, ole cyberhug for ya!!!

Just remember to breathe, ok? You're doing fine. This is NOT an easy thing. Just keep your calm, and start thinking clearly.....that's the most important thing right now, OK?

Have you read all the Concepts from this website? That's a good thing for you to do right now. Work on gettting YOU stabalized. There is a link to the concepts at the top of this page.

Don't worry very much (I know, easier to say than to do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) about what he's doing. Don't worry aobut anything right now, except to remember to take care of YOU. Eat regularly, even if you don't feel like it, try to sleep regularly, and try to keep up a happy face, especially around your children. This is traumatic around them, and they are probably confused as well. They need to know at least ONE of their parents still is thinking straight. Right now, that has to be you.

Once you understand the concepts, and understand Plan A and Plan B a little bit better, you will be able to do a better Plan A. You sound like you LoveBust quite a lot when he's around. That's got to stop. So for now, don't worry too much about what he's doing. Just read and READ, and understand what is going to happen, and what YOU CAN DO.

Hun, there's nothing you can do right now to convince HIM to come home, to stop the A, so don't worry about that. You've got to get balanced out, and get to feeling better, less stressed. OK? Can we work on that right now?

We've all been there, we know how this feels. We're here to help.

God Bless,

Hi- I just wanted to tell you it is totally normal for a ws to say they are happy away from you. It is normal for the ws to say they have always been unhappy, and blame you, etc. etc. They reinvent history.

I too am worried about his therapist- might be some good, some bad- but do keep in mind: Counselors not specially trained in rebuilding marriages, particuarly those with affairs- will probably not help you rebuild your M. Most counselors, secular, encourage people to find their own truths and happiness and be true to themselves.... not necessarily a marriage.

Anyway, I need to go for now. Don't let him, ws, see how bad things are for you right now. Act strong when faced with him, then cry to yourself or us here on the forum- or close friends etc.... but not him.

You are most attractive when not needy, keep that in mind. Your stay at home position sets you up for needing him too much anyhow- I have been there, done that. He is likely attracted to a more independent woman- probably the YOU before Kids... UGH! Now isn't that ridiculous? YOu have the kids with him, and then he doesn't see how hard it is, or appreciate you.... this is my own opinion, and might not be true... but I think lots of men do not understand how hard raising kids is, and do not give enough to us when the kids come, and we are the ones that get worn out- tired and yes, less attractive- for the sake of both the male and females babies.... sorry to vent, but I truly feel My WH doesn't get how I went down after kids and responsibilities, and how he was not there for me. I guess it just means we have to stay beautiful, sexy, etc. even after kids- but it sure is hard, if WE are doing most of the work. SOrry for this vent, but I have been a single mom for some time now during my seperation, and YES, I am just a little mad.

Hugs and Hope,

Honey

Some people can only do a short plan A, it's very hard. But even in plan B, you don't want to be "fighting with him". This only chips away at the positive feelings both of you might have left. Plan B is supposed to lower your stress level; in my case it certainly did.

Use an intermediary, if you must, so that you have limited contact with him.

You could write him a plan B letter, and post drafts on this forum. Some people here just love to edit plan B letters. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please look over the material on "love busting", and try to avoid all those things even while you are separated.

Since you are separated, have you taken any legal steps to protect yourself and your kids? You're not going to rely on his goodwill and sense of fair play, right? Because another aspect of plan B, is the dose of reality before divorce. That would mean support and custody orders in your case. Also an inventory of marital assets, so that he can't hide them. But, since your plan A was so short, or non-existent, the application of MB principles would be a little bit tricky for you. Hopefully you will hear from others with a missing plan A, or perhaps try counseling with one of the Harleys. Or you could look for Cerri over on the Just Found Out forum.

- Tom

<small>[ June 08, 2003, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: tmmx ]</small>

Heart:

I really know what you are going through.

When I was in your position several months ago, folks on this board kept reminding me to take it slow and to calm down. I listened and that was very helpful.

Start planning your strategy once you have calmed down. Your strategy is YOUR PLAN as Steve Harley himself advised me. What is it that you can do to help yourself to be a better person, wife and mother. Focusing on your strategy will help you to feel better. I've finally realized that the only person that I can control is myself, not my WS.

So as you can tell,I would recommend that you do PLAN A first. It's not too late, in my opinion. Your WS will probably be getting in touch with the kids or calling you very soon. One of the main things during PLAN A as others have told you is not to LOVEBUST. Try to figure out the ENs that she is providing or what you need to focus on. However, I would also go see a lawyer about getting alimony and child support because he is not thinking clearly now and you need to take care of yourself and your children. He is under the influence of the affair addiction!!!!!

Put on your seatbelt and get ready for a long rollercoaster ride. It's scary but worth it to hang in there to work on your marriage.

Also, by the way, don't believe everything your WS says. Remember he is not trustworthy. What he is saying about the counselor might not be true or he may be hearing only what he wants to hear at this point from the counselor. It does not matter what anybody says to him as long as he is addicted. Steve Harley told me "You can't teach if there is no student".

My WS read Surviving An Affair. He's an extremely intelligent man. His response to the book was "This doesn't apply to me". WSes have been abducted by aliens!!!

Thanks for your replies everyone. See I just don't know whether to totally withdraw from him or show some compassion. On one hand, if I show compassion and something starts to grow from it...it would be all the better. The more the OW hears or sees that he is doing things for the house or me, the better. If I totally withdraw, maybe the affair will end sooner. This I think is a big chance, because they spend a LOT of time together as it is.
Either way, I cannot exist in this situation long term. I don't have it in me to do this beyond a few months.
His pay goes into direct deposit...so I don't want to involve lawyers until he isn't paying for everything. I have already consulted a couple of lawyers and they said the same thing. Finances seem to be the last thing on his mind right now.
One thing that gets me though is that he takes the kids to see her (3 times already). Three kids under the age of 5 and he takes them there. I swear he does it just to get to me, so I'm going to pretend it doesn't from now on. She actually had the nerve to send me e-mail to tell me what a great father my husband is. I couldn't resist to e-mail back saying a great dad is not just a hot dog or playground here or there, but someone who is there 24/7 and is willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for their child. She didn't respond to that one.... :-)

Heart:

I understand how you are feeling. I have been there where you are, believe me. I really want to help you as best that I can as an amateur. I'm just speaking as a person who has been in your position.

Please listen to us here. That's what really worked for me. Follow the MB principles. You want to read up and follow PLAN A. Please read my last post again and again.

However, you do have to set boundaries. It is inappropriate for you to let him take your children to that OP's house. I feel that is emotionally abusive to them. You do not need to have them in the hands of such unstable, unhealthy, immoral people. It gives me the creeps to think that those children were in the presence of such evil forces.

Please protect your children! That's one of the most important things that you can do at this time. I wouldn't even let my 16 year old, who can probably pretty much take care of himself, be in the presence of my WS' woman.

Don't get caught up in their web! It's an evil web that they weave. They are aliens! Stay outside of that ,HEART, and get your bearings. You must be the strong, sane one in this picture.

Take Care.

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Thanks. I hear loud and clear what you are saying about the OP in my kid's lives. However...my husband is the one that needs to hear it. I can't control what he does with them. If I insist that he doesn't, he does anyway. I know he does it to hurt me, so the bigger issue I make of it, the more he does it. The kids do like her, and me making a deal out of it confuses them. I pretend that if I met her I would like her for their sake, so it's not such a confusing thing for them. They are 4,3 and 9 months. He asked his therapist and he said it should be my husband's decision...then my husband said that he would honor my feelings and not take the kids there...and then he did. I don't feel like I can win in this situation.