Ok, I just finished talking to my husband on the phone and am confused by how he acts toward me. One minute he's nice and cordial, the next he's yelling at me and wanting to hang up. He says he has enough "stress, lies and other bull**** to deal with all week that I don't need to hear it from you."

I don't understand this at all. I called him to try and figure out what his timeline is for visiting here. I would like to know the dates so I can relax a bit and not stress over him being here and fighting over son.

Husband keeps saying things that make me wonder what he wants. Before I left, he was constantly telling me he wanted a divorce, he wasn't worth crying over, when he looked in the mirror he didn't like the person he's become, ect. . .
Through everything, I stood by him. Now, he doesn't mention divorce. He has told me he's in a lot of pain right now and he doesn't know how he's going to handle being here. He doesn't even look forward to it. He says all his friends have betrayed him and that none of them even bother to stand up for him. I have stood by him through everything and all he says is that I'll turn my back on him soon enough.

I'm sorry but I just get so sick of hearing how everything was my fault and still is. I'm not even on the island with him anymore and he still pulls this on me. I love who he use to be and I'm afraid he's going to be his old self once he's back at home. I really hate this.

Rebecca

Luna,

I don't know your story....was there an A involved? ongoing? or just incompatibility? Sorry I'm not up to speed.

He had an ea with his soldier. She decided she didn't want to be with him anymore and left him for another soldier. She's been with the other guy since. I found out the day she moved in with the other soldier, husband finally came clean. That was a year ago. I took husband back without a plan for recovery. Other incedences occured in which she accused husband of stalking her. He wasn't. She claimed he was using his vehicle the night before, husband had a rental car as our vehicle was in the shop. Because she "broke his heart," he cannot trust anybody. Especially females. I stood by him through it all but he still wants to be apart. Currently, he says he wants to be alone.

Rebecca

luna,

Try to remember that affairs...even emotional ones are like addictions and the withdrawal is intense and crippling at times. The moodiness and unpredictability is typical and normal...don't let it frighten you. You've heard about the stages of grief before? Well this is grief...and it has many faces. The good part for you, is because the A ended already, the process will move forward much more quickly. He's in withdrawal right now....but if you do your best to show him that coming home is a desirable alternative....there is still good reason to be encouraged. Think of this transition as the withdrawal from an addiction and much of what he is doing is at least understandable....and in some ways...a very good sign. The best thing you can do....is to concentrate on yourself...gain some detachment and independence. Tears, neediness, relationship talks etc....is not attractive. It won't help bring him home. It's hard to feel confident when you are so destroyed....but if you can nurture it...it will help you no matter what occurs. Good Luck. hugs.

luna,

I wanted to ask also....how long has it been since you've been able to see your H face to face. I know he's away....how long?

I haven't seen him for a little over a month. I flew out on May 5th. The thing with the affair is that it's been a year and with all the things she said about him, I would think he'd be over it by now. He says he is but I know he's not. He's still mad becuase nothing ever happened to her. Her husband left her and took their son but that's not enough for him. He wants her career ruined just like his was.

As for the independance, he nipped that in the bud when I was still over there. I was working, had a great church and church friends, I had a nice life there. He knew I would be devestated to have to move back with my parents. He controlled it so I had no choice. Wasn't making enough at my job to be able to afford a place to live. I was in a car accident in December so had to depend on him for rides to work. Whenever I wouldn't do what he wanted, he would threaten to take the vehicle away. Finally he did, that's why I signed the seperation agreement. I was sick of dealing with him. He hated it that I was figuring things out on my own. I rented a car for two weeks waiting for my paperwork to come through so I could leave. Nothing happened. The only reason I'm here now is because he was issued orders to a new duty station. He shouldn't even be able to ship my stuff because we are legally seperated. His chain of command quickly forgot about that. I just get sick of feeling like I was thrown away like a piece of trash. He made the mistakes and I am stuck with the consequences.

Anyway, he says the affair lasted eight months. He even wrote about it for a psychology class and said it was the best eight months of his life. Now I'm just mad.

Rebecca

Also, husband still works with her and sees her almost everyday. I think that's why a part of me still has hope. Once he leaves this post, he leaves her behind and maybe he can start being himself again.