Hello All,

I have been lurking and reading, reading, reading. This is a very helpful board.

My story:

My H had a year-long affair with a woman he met thru work. He travels a lot for his job, so that made it much easier to continue the relationship. But of course, it was discovered. When confronted, we went thru the denial phases for months, but there was finally proof positive. We tried MC but he continued to contact her. We read all the MB approaches and philosophies and I was ready to take the MB plunge, but he, apparently, was not. About 2 months ago, I could not stand the pain of living with his lies any more, so I sent him a Plan B letter. We have not been living together for 4 months, during which, I am sure, he continues to see her.

He tells friends that he wants our marriage to survive, that he loves me, but he is making no efforts to end the affair. He got some good advice from posting on this board, but has not taken the steps. I guess this is what they call the addiction, huh?

If it is an addiction, as many say, what will it take to get him to take the first step to break the addiction? Can he expect to do that while we are living apart, or is this something that he will need my help on, by doing the extraordinary precautions thing? I am wondering if he believes that he can just read help books and eventually get to the point where he can say "no" to contacting her and accepting her contact. Seems to me that it's kind of like other addictions where you need the help and support of others to get you thu it. In this case, wouldn't the "other" be the spouse?

Meanwhile, instead of getting easier, the days seem to be getting harder. I have fears about losing love units as this thing drags on and on. How can these WS be so stupid to think that we will just sit here endlessly waiting for them? Don't they understand that some day, some time, and even sooner than they believe, that we will be "over" it, exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically and unable to wait a single minute more?

Thanks for your help and advice. You have all been so great to everyone here. Look forward to getting some answers and some guidence.

TC,

I know you've read all this stuff already, but I like to post Harleys advice first because it's the most accurate, and secondly, because I know I can always use a refresher on what the purpose of these plans are:

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

I hope that this affair of your husband's ends soon and your marriage becomes his reasonable choice in near future, but Plan B is just plain risky. Whatever the outcome though, I still feel that the risk of losing a spouse who will not stop cheating...is far far preferable to staying in a sham of a marriage where he has needs met wherever he wants to. That situation would be ultimately far more destructive to you as a person....than losing him entirely. I know it doesn't feel like that right now because you're hurting, but don't second guess your decision to go to Plan B. It was sound...and the obvious choice to preserve what's left of your love....not just for your H...but for yourself. Good luck. hugs.

<small>[ June 08, 2003, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Hi star*fish,

Thanks for your words. I knew it was risky, heard that from the MC, but was told it was the right thing to do (just as you reinforced).

I do believe that I left him with good feelings about me and our R as I entered the Plan B phase (wow! that's a good way to look at it - this is just a phase - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I am so hopeful that the "scripts" that I keep reading - same, same, same behavior - will be true here and that the A will burn itself out and the fog will lift and he will want to rebuild with me.

Yes, life with a cheating husband is, today, my choice, if he were to return. And I have lived that life in the past. How horrible. How terribly painful to be second-guessing yourself as they put you on the defensive. No, that is not a life I would choose. Being alone, as lonely as it is, is much preferable to living being torn apart as I was.

But I still ask the question: what will it take for him to make the commitment to end it, and is this something he can do living in the apartment by himself, or does he need to endorse all the policies of MB, returning to live in our home, and getting my help and support to stay away from the woman?

Thanks all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I still ask the question: what will it take for him to make the commitment to end it, and is this something he can do living in the apartment by himself, or does he need to endorse all the policies of MB, returning to live in our home, and getting my help and support to stay away from the woman?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The help that you could provide was already given during Plan A. During that plan...you hopefully showed him that choosing his marriage was an attractive alternative to the affair. Now that he is alone, he will hopefully remember the care and honesty you offered during your plan and when either she or he...end the affair, the natural choice will be to come home. What will it take? It will take a decision from him (or her) to end the affair. Until that happens, and you can do nothing more with NO CONTACT to encourage that....nothing will change. I wish there was something....but be secure in knowing that you HAVE done all that is possible to give your marriage the best chance. Plan B will now protect the love that is left (No contact makes it impossible to withdraw from the bank) and protect you (by not exposing you to the pain of the continued affair.) The one thing I would stress however...is NO NO NO Contact!!! That is absolutely essential. If he decides to come back, it will be only because he has ended the affair and agreed to a recovery plan. Good luck and hugs.

STAR:
One part I don't understand is the concept of PLAN B as not exposing the BS to pain of continuation of the A. With me, I think about them as being together all the time. That's one of the most painful aspects of PLAN B to me.At least, before, I was a hindrance. What's wrong with my thinking here?

Mimi,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One part I don't understand is the concept of PLAN B as not exposing the BS to pain of continuation of the A. With me, I think about them as being together all the time. That's one of the most painful aspects of PLAN B to me.At least, before, I was a hindrance. What's wrong with my thinking here?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I just recently posted on your thread, this is a major questions of all BSs when in Plan B. I know I, especially in the beginning of Plan B, was constantly thinking about WS and OM together. Yes that is painful. Yes it causes us to "go crazy." But what it isnt is an LB. What is an LB? Read the site here. By no contact with your WH, he has no opportunity to LB you. And LBs are what take units out of your love bank.

Sure you are hurt when you think of them together...especially in the withdrawal phase of Plan B for the BS. But you are not losing love units. And that is VERY important. Want proof?

When I went to Plan B, the first few weeks were pure HELL. I thought I was giving up on my marriage. I couldnt stop thinking about them. I wanted to pick up the phone and call. But as time went on, I began to settle down. Other endeavors began to occupy more and more of my time. I didnt know it, but my love bank for my wife was being locked up with its remaining units. As time went on, I almost felt like I was losing love for her, that I was beginning to feel "numb" to her and almost began to have no feelings for her. I began to think that even if she came back, that I was done with her.

That is until the day she showed up on my door, wanting to talk reconciliation. You see, her love bank in me was hidden away inside of me during Plan B. At first, I didnt want it hidden, because it hurt not to have those feelings of love for her warming me. But eventually, Plan B so completely hid my love bank with her, that I actually thought I had no more love for her. But the feelings I got the day she came back looking for reconciliation only proved that my love wasnt gone...just hidden from my view And once she did show up, that love banks locked door sprung open so fast, that it scared me. Where was all this love hidden all of this time? How could I feel no real love for her the day before she showed up, and now be crying with her and holding her...and all the old feelings of love for her pouring out?

This is the point of Plan B. before you totally fall out of love with your WH, you lock away your love bank. Actually, YOU dont do it. It just "magically" disappears while in plan B...as long as you adhere to Plan B. As soon as you make any contact, the door swings wide open...and you have to start all over.

I hope this explains it. This is the best description I have of what I went through. I hope it helps.

In His arms.

Wow Mortarman!

You captured exactly how I am feeling.

I've been afraid that I will lose my love for him. The thought of him spending all of his time with her sickens me so much that I feel that I must hate him in order to deal with it. I've been trying to will myself into not caring for him but I'm so worried about him over there caged up in his condo with her. I'll post more about this on my thread.

Right now, I keep envisioning a reunion with my WH like you describe. However, I must keep that image out of my mind. I have almost too much confidence that that will happen. I can't imagine how he could want a life with her.

Anyway, if he wants someone like her, he definitely is not the man that I thought he was. That's what's so scary, too. Was I making him into someone he wasn't? A decent, emotionally strong, Christian, family man. Maybe he felt that he could not live up to my high expectations. Whatever....

Thanks so much for being there Mortarman. You have a lot of wisdom.

I will respond further on my thread.