Greetings!
I've just been reading the articles on enjoying recreational activities together and I have a question...what if I no longer enjoy, or it's impossible to recreate, the recreational activity that brought us together? What if it's no longer fun - or even good for us?
When my husband and I met, I was 21 and he was 25. I was never a big "partier" but I was just legal and I loved to dance. My favorite pastime was going to bars and dancing. I drank, but not a lot, and just on Friday and/or Saturday night.
Well, our first date was to see his friend's band at a local bar. I love music, being a former musician myself, and my husband as well - he used to sing and play drums. So our love of music was one of the things that brought us together. And it was the thread that bound our group of friends together, in the beginning. Everything revolved around the band. Almost every weekend involved seeing them play - and we had great times.
I didn't realize then how different our idea of partying was. He had been drinking since he was very young (too young). I was a sheltered teenager and didn't even have my first beer buzz until I was 20. I wasn't a "partier" like he was. So when I grew tired of the "bar scene" after a few years, he did not.
Actually, we don't go the bars much anymore unless our friends are playing (the band has been together off and on with different members for the past 10 years) but he still associates the loud music with drinking - and he can't handle it now - he drinks a lot more since he quit smoking.
Thankfully, we enjoy other activities with each other and the friends we've bonded with - we do a lot of camping, hiking, and canoeing together, which, for me, is the most important recreational activity to share with my husband. These are things we both love to do.
But he often goes to visit friends without me (we're working on this), or watching the band practice, then come home very late, turn up loud music, and be totally wasted. Over the years, this has caused me to lose the good feelings I once associated with music and dancing.
We're trying to compromise. He wants me to visit our friends with him but he always stays too long and drinks too much and the visit turns into a party all the time, even on work nights when we need to get some rest. So I am saying I'll go, if he promises to keep the visit to a shorter level. For me that means if we arrive at 5pm on a work night, we leave at 7 or so...not 11pm.
I do have to admit I'm glad my husband isn't the type of guy to go sit in a bar all night. He really only likes to do that when our friend's band is playing. But, since they don't do that much anymore, he sits over at their house and drinks instead. On those rare nights when the band does still play, we usually have a good time, but it's not the same. It's not carefree like it was then - now I'm worried because he's had too much to drink. (We've had some bad episodes - he's even been thrown out of a bar and had the cops called on him for getting too rowdy.)
So what happens when the activity that brings a couple together is no longer good for them - or cannot be enjoyed in the same way? We do have other things in common, but sometimes it scares me that we based our relationship on a phase of partying. Or that it was a phase for me, and I didn't know it was his lifestyle. (Yes, he does have a drinking problem, and I think he's on the way to admitting it.)
Thanks,
Chrys
<small>[ June 10, 2003, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: Chrys ]</small>
