I am starting a new topic so all can see and answer. Kily is helping me on my ex-wh addicted to pornography but I wanted to open it up. I found where my ex-WH viewed pornography about rapes on my computer last July. Is this a normal thing to look at if you are viewing pornography or is it dangerous? I feel very unsettled about it and don't know what to do about it. He was NEVER in the least bit forceful with me...but this was viewed in July (I guess it could have happened before- he erased a lot of files) and his affair started in August.

<small>[ June 10, 2003, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Adgirl,

Many men look at things that they would never attempt (at least really, not in a fantasy) in real life. But many will look at something and then begin fantasizing, and then act out and try to perform it.

Say a man is looking at porn and sees a threesome (2 girls and a guy) and he thinks, neat, I'd like that. But he doesn't act on it. Another guy does, with a couple of prostitutes, and it doesn't go farther. A third guy forces his wife to accomodate him in doing this against her wishes. It's all different, a sliding scale of sin.

Porn is like drugs. Marajuiana is a "Gateway" drug, a drug that leads some people to more dangerous drugs. Playboy is "Gateway" porn, just like R rated movies. It excites the hormones and senses, and then the person wants to see more and different to get that arousal. And over time, it goes into weirder and weirder things. Your ex is pretty far along in the Porn thing, and obviously he acted out with the A. Whether he was simply cruising a new site and isn't really interested in making it "real" or not, justing looking for a new, fancy fix (some people take "designer" drugs once or twice just for a different high), he is still addicted, and it will continue to get worse. He will act out, somehow, and somewhere, because otherwise he won't be able to get the same "high". Unless he can break free. That isn't likely to happen without people around him that really care for him helping him, holding him accountable but NOT judging him, and without him REALLY wanting to break free, and being able to channel that sexual energy into something that gives him satisfaction.

hat isn't likely to happen without people around him that really care for him helping him, holding him accountable but NOT judging him, and without him REALLY wanting to break free, and being able to channel that sexual energy into something that gives him satisfaction.

So given our situation, do I help him?

You're divorced, ex has an OC, living with OW, and you are willing to help him with his Porn addiction? Adgirl...you are a SAINT! That's not saying you should, just that you're willingness to even consider it is the stuff that a true Christ like attitude is made of!

He has admitted the addiction to you...that is something. He kept it secret from you for all those years, now after the divorce he feels safe to admit it. It DID have a huge impact on your marriage. He trapped himself with the A and now an OC and the D. What do YOU want? His admission opens the door to truer intimacy than you ever had when married. If he is/was a Christian, the Porn is like a cancer that was/is eating him alive. But he has to truly, 100% want to change. Give him this web site: Setting Captives Free

Tell him if he registers and wants to send off the responses to you via email, you would be willing to be his accountability partner. Then you have to communicate with him daily, ask how he is doing. It is a 60 day Christian based course. If he can understand and commit to it, and make it the 60 days, he has a shot. And if you are there for him for the 60 days, you will have probably learned more about him than in the previous 16 years.

But this is about YOU, not him. If you want to do it....if not, then help him find someone else, because it can be draining if/when he backslides. If you really think at this late stage your marriage could be salvaged (and if you want it to be), it could allow you some intimacy/communication with him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sstnt:
<strong>You're divorced, ex has an OC, living with OW, and you are willing to help him with his Porn addiction? Adgirl...you are a SAINT! That's not saying you should, just that you're willingness to even consider it is the stuff that a true Christ like attitude is made of!

He has admitted the addiction to you...that is something. He kept it secret from you for all those years, now after the divorce he feels safe to admit it. It DID have a huge impact on your marriage. He trapped himself with the A and now an OC and the D. What do YOU want? His admission opens the door to truer intimacy than you ever had when married. If he is/was a Christian, the Porn is like a cancer that was/is eating him alive. But he has to truly, 100% want to change. Give him this web site: Setting Captives Free

Tell him if he registers and wants to send off the responses to you via email, you would be willing to be his accountability partner. Then you have to communicate with him daily, ask how he is doing. It is a 60 day Christian based course. If he can understand and commit to it, and make it the 60 days, he has a shot. And if you are there for him for the 60 days, you will have probably learned more about him than in the previous 16 years.

But this is about YOU, not him. If you want to do it....if not, then help him find someone else, because it can be draining if/when he backslides. If you really think at this late stage your marriage could be salvaged (and if you want it to be), it could allow you some intimacy/communication with him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He isn't living with OW, that just wouldn't be right (yes, both their words ) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But you are correct on the rest- except, well, I am a little shy about the saint part. LOL. Seriously, I have been incredibly forgiving but sometimes I have to be careful- I want to be Christlike, but Christlike love is not enabling him. Therefore I want to be firm in my love, I want to be able to set boundaries and keep them. This is very hard for me to do. I am not used to setting boundaries and sticking to them. While I like to be in control, I also seem to give ex-WH many chances- and maybe it is time to let go of the rope and let him make his own mistakes and grow that way. I don't want to make things worse by not allowing him to face up to his consequences. I just don't want other people hurt in the process.
I don't want my marriage to be salvaged if he won't do the work to get it back. By the work, I am not talking about much- I have told him to stop lying, get a male to hold him accountable, read Every Man's Battle, and stop talking to OW> So far none of those things have happened. I don't know how I can be his accountability partner if he talks to OW. I don't think God would want me to do that, because it is enabling him to have both in his life. OW is part of the addiction, so shouldn't OW go to overcome the addiction? I WILL recommend that site to him though. Thanks for your input.

Adgirl,

I don't know what the 60-day plan is, but my husband lied, lied, lied to me about his involvement with pornography, and then about his abstention from it. As he left me, he said this would "not be a problem" for him anymore. He had said that before. The denial is incredible.

Perhaps your H is more serious about wanting to quit.

But as regards your Christ-like attitudes, I would point out that your motives are mixed: you are not only trying to save his soul, in a disinterested and universal sort of way -- you are trying to get your marriage back. I suspect part of you sees working with this as a way of getting your marriage back. But from your other posts, it may be roping you into all kinds of other emotions (anger, resentment) that may be counterproductive to both aims.

Since you do want your marriage back, I'd look for a way to support him, but also a way that allows you to STAND BACK, so that others can work with the lies, the backsliding, etc. It would be too emotionally draining and explosive for someone as involved as you are. You want to be a calm friend in a time of troubles -- not the increasingly betrayed ex-wife with a growing list of grievances as each new revelation comes out.

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

AM Martin,
I don't know if he is more serious about wanting to quit. See, I am one to just take care of something and be done with it. I don't like to waste a lot of time thinking about it- more that way with personal stuff than business (unfortunately on that part). My ex-Wh is the most passive person I know. He believes in waiting, and waiting, and waiting. I told him over a week ago to get the book Every Man's Battle, call the 800 # about their seminars, talk to a male professional, talk to a male friend, ANY of those. I realize that it has only been a week, but geez, he has held this 16 years. You would think now that he has admitted it he would do something about it. No. He says he just hasn't had a chance. Now, this is bull. We live in a big town with bookstores all over the place. He works about 1 mile from a bookstore. He procrastinates on everything. Maybe I am being harsh, but I have seen this pattern so long, that I don't have much confidence in him getting help on his own. And frankly, I am too emotionally drained to be his babysitter. So I HAVE to back off, otherwise I will get sucked back in to his problems. If he DOES get help, and then comes to me, well then we could talk, and yes, I would help him. But i am tired of holding my breath waiting for it to happen.

Sounds like your head is on straight. He's not serious about change. No matter how passive you are, if there's a fire in your house, you get out. If you are desperate enough, you do something.

I'd take a step back, as you are doing already, and let him make the next move. You can't initiate for him. He may still be logging on, perhaps thinking he'll taper off, a little at a time...or maybe, like my H, he doesn't think it's that bad except that it bothered me (like it's okay for a grownup to spend working hours this way...) Denial takes all kinds of pernicious forms.

Don't let it eat your life. It may yet eat his.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>Sounds like your head is on straight. He's not serious about change. No matter how passive you are, if there's a fire in your house, you get out. If you are desperate enough, you do something.

I'd take a step back, as you are doing already, and let him make the next move. You can't initiate for him. He may still be logging on, perhaps thinking he'll taper off, a little at a time...or maybe, like my H, he doesn't think it's that bad except that it bothered me (like it's okay for a grownup to spend working hours this way...) Denial takes all kinds of pernicious forms.

Don't let it eat your life. It may yet eat his.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks AM,- that analogy about the fire is exactly what I have been thinking, but haven't known how to put into words. I think at this point he would sit and let it burn down around him. He supposedly did not log on at work, too risky, and I have the computer so he doesn't have one, so I don't know if he is doing anything or not right now- but he says he hasn't looked at it since last July, and the affair started in August but he says he hasn't slept with her since January. I don't believe him because I don't know why I should. He does still talk to OW so he is still addicted but it seems like in his mental state he would have to have the pornography or her to be "satisfied". Who knows. I just know it can't be my problem if he isn't going to do anything about it.