I posted this topic to the "In Recovery" board but also decided to send it here. Its the first time I'm sending something to "General Questions".

I was involved in a 3-year friendship at work (mostly on e-mail) with OM. The friendship became inappropriate during 3rd year and slowly progressed to beginning of EA (nothing physical). After D-day (March 2002) when H discovered that the friendship became inappropriate, I tried to reduce contact and remain friends with OM on an appropriate level. OM couldn’t really accept my conditions and withdrawal and end all contact with me suddenly during September last year. Since then I didn’t try to contact him at all although sometimes the urge was very strong. During this time I discovered MB and realised that I was involved in an EA. This website was an eye-opener for me. For a very long time I convinced myself that we were only “close friends”. Together with my husband I decided to follow the NC principle as far as possible although an official NC-letter was never send.

Since Sept last year I accidentally saw OM a few times but we never talked. The last time (during February) we bumped into each other and he tried to talk to me and asked about my well-being but I only answered very briefly & abrupt and turned my back on him. During April he send me an e-mail with congratulations for my birthday. I told my H immediately and we both agree that it will be the best to ignore it totally. Luckily OM didn’t try to contact me again since then.

Me, H and OM are still working at the same large company. I’m still looking out for another job but wasn’t successful so far. This is a very frustrating issue for me. In this country job opportunities is very scarce and unemployment very high. When I come to work it still feels if I’m walking on eggshells – everyday I’m still afraid that I might accidentally bump into OM again. The times when it happens I still feels upset and still experiencing some feelings of anxiety even if I see him from a far distance.

My problem is that although I don’t have any temptation or wish to see or contact OM ever again, I still thinking about him from time to time and still have lingering feelings for him. I know it sounds very contradictory. I can’t understand it myself but that’s how it is. I’m just wondering when this thoughts and feelings will ever totally pass and if it ever will. I love my H dearly and my marriage is very important to me. It seems that although I’m trying to follow all the right rules & actions and trying to be as honest and open as possible towards my H, I still have this emotional weakness for OM and I don’t know how to fully overcome it. Sometimes I’m really struggling with this although its much better than before. When the thoughts of OM occasionally occur I try to block it off from my mind but sometimes it is very difficult and then I’m feeling guilty and weak all over again. It’s almost 9 months since the friendship was ended and I’m just concerned that my progress is too slow and not normal.

Any opinions will be appreciated please.

Suzet,

You know the theory of Love Bank right? Well, one thing to remember....is accounts NEVER close. And right now...that account is in there..and no withdrawals are being made...so the level of your feelings will not change substantially....especially since you occasionally see him and feel that rush. If it's still affecting your marriage, I hope you will continue to look for other job opportunities elsewhere. And don't beat yourself up about it, you are handling it admirably....and your reaction is normal. Normal doesn't mean you shouldn't try your best to get away from it though. I think it was St Francis of Assissi who said "Only a fool faces temptation, the wise man runs away."

Good Luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Star*fish,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I remember the theory of the Love Bank and your explanation makes very much sense. I think the other issue that contributes to the fact that my feelings will not change substantially is the way OM suddenly and abruptly ended the friendship without any explanation and then afterwards trying to regain contact with me after a few months of total silence. That was very hard for me to elaborate and sort of left a feeling of &#8216;unfinished business&#8217; in the air that I&#8217;m still trying to accept and deal with. I think the other reason is because I never send an official no contact letter but just continuing to ignore him. There was never ful closure on anything and that left me with thoughts and questions I couldn&#8217;t make sense of and can&#8217;t always get out of my mind. I know there is nothing I can do now to ever get full closure on this because that would mean to contact OM again and my H, marriage and self-respect is too important to me. I know that will never be the solution. Like I said yesterday, although I still have feelings for OM, I don&#8217;t have any wish to see or contact OM again. I just wish I could close my mind and feelings off from everything and forget about anything. But&#8230;that&#8217;s life and the consequences of my actions and I still have to deal with it. It helps to come to this board.