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Who said Plan B is without risk? Not me, and most certainly not Dr Harley who says: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So there you have it.
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I did'nt mean to infer Plan B was without risk at all. To me it is a risk worth taking. At this point in time there is no real alternative. Plan B allows a good deal of time to realize, slowly, that I can and will survive if WW chooses OM or just sees no hope in our relationship. One person clinging onto hope when the other has none is very difficult thing to do for any length of time.
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Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
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Joquin I just replied to Lisa0705's thread where she says she packed her WH's belongings in trash bags and kicked him out, and I asked her why would her WH want to come back after being treated like that? Can you honestly say that your last actions your WW remembers of you will be your thoughtfulness and caring in Plan A?
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I think so. After discovering the A I asked her to leave the home. Then after a few days I reconsidered and asked her to stay. I told WW that I wanted to work on the M and it would be very difficult to work on our business if she were gone. Also our D is living here still and WW should be with her. I paid loving attention to her and also focused on getting my life in order.
All the time she was lying to me and our D about her whereabouts and just about everything in her life. Then came a big weekend away with OM with huge lies to me and D. That was enough. It was time for Plan B. WW knows what I want and am willing to do. She sees no hope for me, that I don't want to know the "real" her. After 24 years and 4 affairs maybe her unhappiness just caught up to her.
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Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
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Did you give her the Plan B letter?
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I did not give her a letter. I explained my position to her by email. It was the only way I could contact her at the time.
Jo
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Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
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What did you writte in that e-mail?
<small>[ June 14, 2003, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>
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I said I wanted no further contact with her until she ended her relationship with OM. And that contact included our business (very difficult, she is/was an important part of it). I told her how I wanted our marriage to work and was willing to work on it if she was serious about it. I later asked her if she wanted a divorce. That conversation is in a previous post here. That is all the contact we've had in two weeks.
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Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
<small>[ June 14, 2003, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>
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Did you also tell her that you love her, and apologized for your part in creating the environment that made her A possible? I ask because when the BS gives the Plan B letter (or e-mail on your part) to the WS, s/he is expressing love for the WS and the hope that the WS will come back to work on rebuilding the M after the A is over, otherwise the only thing the BS is telling the WS is simply to get out, stay out, and don't come back until it's over which doesn't leave the WS with any desire in wanting to come back to the M.
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Yes I have done that. WW knows how I feel. She knows for sure that I love her and want to stay married to her forever. I have told her so. She on the other hand sees no hope. She asks me how I know I love her and what does that mean since we do so little together and have so little in common (according to WW).
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Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
<small>[ June 14, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"She asks me how I know I love her and what does that mean since we do so little together and so little in common (according to WW)."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems that you and your W fell into the trap of not dedicating time with one another after you got married and had the kids. You each grew apart and lived separate lives. Joquin if your WW does end her A and expresses a desire to come back please do so with the condition that BOTH of you follow a marital plan of recovery that incorporates The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage otherwise nothing will have changed and you'll both end up back where you started.
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Joquin if your WW does end her A and expresses a desire to come back please do so with the condition that BOTH of you follow a marital plan of recovery that incorporates The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage otherwise nothing will have changed and you'll both end up back where you started.
Great advice. I could not stay in this relationship unless there were major changes in both of us and a whole new approach to our marriage. I think the difference between us is that I think the marriage is worth saving and WW does not. We'll see.
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Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
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I haven’t followed your story but...
After reading all the posts in this topic, I would recommend you send a Plan B letter with everything in it.
Seems your email was pretty brief and you said you did tell her you want it to work out & apologized for all you past behavior, etc.
Was all this in your email or was it said through a few conversations & emails.
Why did you go to Plan B so quickly?
WW was at the office tonight and I asked her if she wants a divorce.
Why are you asking her if she wants a divorce?
In Plan B you should not be having any contact?. In ANY Plan, you should not ask about divorce unless you want one.
When do you plan to explain your expectations to him
This is explained in your Plan B letter.
She's out on vacation from her job, responsibilities, having a good ol time at my expense with no care in the world with OM. She pay no rent living with friends.
All this will go on for how long?
I have to work, pay bills, keep house, dogs, cats, run the business, oh and water HER plants.
Why are you watering HER plants?
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After reading all the posts in this topic, I would recommend you send a Plan B letter with everything in it.
I do agree.
Seems your email was pretty brief and you said you did tell her you want it to work out & apologized for all you past behavior, etc.
Yes, both emails and 1 conversation.
Why did you go to Plan B so quickly?
Because WW would not end the A after telling me she would do so. I spent a month trying my hardest to get her to marriage counseling and to work on our relationship. She would not do so and was constantly lying about where she was to me and my D. We also work together so it became humiliating emotionally impossible to let her live here and work with her so I ended both. I told her that if she was willing to stop seeing OM she could work again no problem. She refuses to address the issue.
WW was at the office tonight and I asked her if she wants a divorce.
I asked her because her behavior is so destructive to our relationship and I just can't see working with her any more if A continues. I just needed to know if a divorce was want she really wanted. But the answer I got was really a non starter. "I am not ready to give up on us yet". Well her actions speak lounder than words.
In Plan B you should not be having any contact?.
I goofed. Wanted to see if she could be honest about something.
In ANY Plan, you should not ask about divorce unless you want one.
I'm not 100% sure I don't. This is A #4 over 24 years. She once told me a long time ago she should have never married me. I think deep down she regrets it.
When do you plan to explain your expectations to him
This is explained in your Plan B letter.
How specific do I get on expectations? Expectations of when and if A will end? When she will start working on M? When does she plan on moving back home? All this sounds like an ultimatim.
She's out on vacation from her job, responsibilities, having a good ol time at my expense with no care in the world with OM. She pay no rent living with friends.
All this will go on for how long?
I don't know how long. As long as I can wait for her to make up her mind about OM or our marriage? As I mention before, am I suppose to give her an ultimatim, either no OM work on M or I'm filing for divorce?
Why are you watering HER plants?
Because they are here and if I don't they'd die. I feel a responsibility to everything here at home unlike WW. Sounds like a huge love buster to let her plants die.
jo
-------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
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Posts: 97
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Latest email from WS concerning Plan B:
"You will not discuss anything with me? Nothing? Really? How does that
serve anything? How does that get us anywhere? You have obviously given
up. I guess I have my answer that you do want a divorce."
Should I respond to this email?
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Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
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Posts: 6,950
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Originally posted by Joquin1: <strong>Latest email from WS concerning Plan B: "You will not discuss anything with me? Nothing? Really? How does that serve anything? How does that get us anywhere? You have obviously given up. I guess I have my answer that you do want a divorce." Should I respond to this email? </strong> ------------------------------------------------- NO! DO NOT respond to her e-mail for the only thing she is trying to do is goading you into an argument with her to validate her choice in continuing having contact with the OM or to do an anti-plan A where she is trying to negotiate with you for the continuation of her A (she is a cake walker and she doesn't want to give up the benefits of having two men attending to her needs). Other than talking about your children, the only time you should respond is if she tells you that she has dumped her OM forever and is willing to work on rebuilding the marriage by following The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. <small>[ June 16, 2003, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>
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I would go ahead and write another PLAN B letter. I don't think it would hurt to clarify things. You may have not expressed enough love in the letter.
Your reason could be that you wanted to put it on pen and paper. JMHO
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I would go ahead and write another PLAN B letter. I don't think it would hurt to clarify things. You may have not expressed enough love in the letter
Mimi
This is true. I do have a problem expressing my love for her. This is my part in creating the environment that made it possible for her to have an affair. I think my anger over her actions and lies is clouding my ability to keep on loving her.
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Me BS 51
WW 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
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Posts: 97
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Another huge problem. WW & I have been working in our business for 20 years & she has an important role. Since asking her to leave the house and starting Plan B, I also asked her to leave much of the business but keep working for existing customers and fulfill the contract.
She says the right things about doing the work, contacts the crew leader (daughter). But her leadership is pathetic and WW is irresponsible and doesn't show up but once or twice on the job. If we loose these contracts she will suffer a good deal financially. I let her know by email & voice mail that she is not doing her job but get no explanation or reason. Since I'm doing Plan B I limit contact greatly and this is really hard her being part of the business still. I am also very close to filing for divorce since I don't want to reconcile any more and see no hope whatsoever of her changing.
Any advice from old pros and/or novices??
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Me BS 51
WW 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
Loosing patience and love.
Getting close to filing for D.
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