Hi Everybody.
About two months ago my wife sat me down and proceeded to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore and questions the fact that she ever had loved me. This is after 12 apparently happy years and two beautiful sons. She told me that she couldn't stand the guilt anymore of seeing the love in my eyes and not being able to return it. There was no indication whatsoever (in my eyes or memory)of a problem this serious before. I do not have a drinking problem or have ever abused her in any way, shape or form. Our sex life was fantastic. We're a church going, Boy Scout attending, PTA involved regular family.
Then to top everything off, out come the statements that she has to be true to herself (great!)and that she is a very attractive woman (gorgeous actually) and that she could have any man she desired (O my God!...) She also brought up the fact that she didn't want to look back on life when she was 65 and wonder "What if?"
One factor that might have come to play in all of this was the sudden death of her father who we both admired very much. Maybe this event triggered a realization of maybe her own mortality? Her parents were divorced when she was 11 and has never been in her life since.
It's been two months of hell and I am devestated. Councilling does'nt seem to be working and it seems that her mind is made up. She seems to refuse to give me anything to work with either, despite my best efforts. She swears that she has been faithful and her friends and family corroborate this stand. I love her very much and I want to save my marriage and family but I seem to have run head on into a brick wall!
Answers anybody?

Hellfighter, the first thing I would suggest is running to the bookstore and buying His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley. She has fallen out of love because her needs are not being met. It might help to try and understand what those needs are and what has led to all this.

I know you don't believe it, and maybe its not true, but she is talking just like someone who is in an affair. I would not rule it out if I were you and would suggest doing some detective work. A WS in the throes of an affair can be very secretive. It is very unusual for a spouse to just suddenly wake up one day and decide her marriage is a sham. That is almost always the traditional "fog talk" of someone in an affair. Her friends and family would be the last people she would tell about an affair so I wouldn't put much faith into that fact.

MelodyLane:
I guess that anything at this point is possible. I've done the redial routine on the phones in our house on unusual numbers and have come up dry. There are no unusual credit card bills or suspicious receipts of any kind (that I have yet to find).
I'll try to find the book that you have recomended and find the strength to read it. I hope that I can talk my wife into reading it as well, but my spidey-sense is telling me that she is already beyond this.
Being in a state of denial right now is not where I want to be, but it's really hard not to be.
Thanks MelodyLane!

The "What If" scenario sounds just like my WS who is having an A.

Has she been out of place a lot, meaning unexplained absences?

Keep doing your detective work.

I also agree with Melody. Do your reading. It's not hopeless. She is likely depressed after her F's death. My F's sudden death was certainly a life-changing experience for me.

Take Care.

Mimi1254:
To answer your question, no, she has never been AWOL. She will go out for drinks on occasion with her girlfriends after work (who vouch for her presence) and has never been away overnight without being accompanied by either myself or a female work partner (on those one or two out of town business trips per year). She is in the beauty business and there are only women at her place of employment.

Does she have a computer? A cell phone? Are there any men at work she could be talking to?

Hellfighter, it won't be a good idea to ask her to read the book. It is a lovebuster to try and educate a detached spouse. The book will help you in identifying the problem in your marriage.

Also, please don't give up hope. Her current detachment does not have to mean the end of your marriage. We have had even worse cases on here that now have wonderful marriage. So, there are no guarantees, but there is always hope, ok?

Well from reading what you wrote it strikes me that your wife is in a huge midlife crisis and there is also the strong possibility that she is in/or considering having an emotional and/or physical affair.Even if she is not in a physical affair there is huge potential for damage if she is in an emotional affair. The fact that her dad recently died is a huge trigger for these things happening- I know in my case when my H's mom died and that seemed to set him off and all of a sudden he was unhappy in our marriage.(Along with meeting someone at his new job position who he confided in about his grief aand settling his mom's financial matters which ending up turning into a full blown affair eventually." If I were you I would read the book "Divorce Remedy" by marriage counselor and author Michele-Weiner Davis right away for strategy ideas about dealing with your W"s MLC issues. That author also has an online website at divorcebusting.com that has a discussion board for men who have 'Walk Away Wives.' One thing not to do is to plead with her to stay with you or to continue counseling right now. If you suspect a potential affair be sure to read "Surviving an Affair' by Harley- it has good strategy advice in it too. Take care and remember what Winston Churchill said "When you're going thru hell Keep Going!" - lifeismessy

MelodyLane:
Yes, we do have a computer that she does play a lot of on-line, head to head games like MSN backgammon or crib. I do know that there is a chat function when these games are being played and she will get involved with the chat. She's shown me the times when an opponent tries to flatter & "pick her up" on line and we both laughed off the attempts. These people are usually across the country or world from us so I usually considered the whole situation harmless.
Also, because of our young children, I have a computer activity tracker program in the machine that will show me all of the days computer traffic. This is a password sensitive program that I have access to that can't be erased. Nothing unusual has been found here.
As far as cell phone traffic, I have checked and again, have found nothing. As I have stated before, the only other employees at her work are female.
Do you think that it's possible that with all of the come-ons from strangers over the web game sites could have triggered something in her? She does admit that she always feels extremely flattered by this.
The thing is, there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I can recall in our marriage where I have'nt said "I love you" or "You look hot today..."
I guess it's just that much more exciting when it comes from a stranger.

lifeismessy:
I find it interesting that mid-life crisis seems to creep up every now & then. My wife even joked that that (in all of her confusion) was the problem. She's 36 years old and believe me, I didn't laugh at her joke!
By the way, I really liked the quote at the bottom of your reply.

I met OM playing card games online.
He lived 2000 miles away.
First we "chatted" online...then it progressed to phone calls....then we made plans to meet.

Does your wife have a cell phone?

Hi Everybody
I'm back. Not in the best of shape but still standing. I haven't had much interest in posting lately but then again, I haven't had that much interest in doing much else lately.

lifeismessy:
I took your advice and purchased "Divorce Remedy" last night and had a chance to briefly go through it. The section on WAW's seems to parallel the situation that I'm in right now, with maybe a little bit of MLC thrown into the mix. But I'm only guessing. I've taken what I've read to heart and will do my best to follow the prescribed strategies.
In fact, I'm leaving my home to give her the space that she desires. I guess I'm considered "In her face" by her just being in the same house, even though I did my best to stay out of her way and to put my pleasant "game face" on. All of this really tears me apart (especially concerning the kids) but after 3 months of whats been going on, I think that it would both do us both some good.
She seems to be bound and determined to be on her agenda even though D hasn't been brought up yet in our discussions. But I've resigned myself to this being a total 50 - 50 shot. I'm going to try to live my life apart from her the best that I can. Maybe she'll notice the difference, maybe not. But thank God that I'll get to see my kids a couple of times a week and I guess that will have to do for now.

Wish me luck. The journey begins...

So she has a problem and you are moving out? Why?
I think you may be facilitating her possible affair. Also, if you move out, you should find out if there are any possible legal ramifications in the long run. Are you "abandoning" them?
Will she get the house later on because you are out of it?
Why isn't she moving out? Have you contacted Steve Harley for counseling?

wannabophim:
I didn't think about those legal ramifications, maybe your right. But to obtain separation for a while, it's easier for myself to be the one to leave where the children are concerned. I figured that with household responsibilities and the kids that this would be an affair buster in itself. I would think that it's probably more convenient to develop an affair if she was the one that's out in the world.
Am I wrong here? I'm open to any advice at this point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I figured that with household responsibilities and the kids that this would be an affair buster in itself. I would think that it's probably more convenient to develop an affair if she was the one that's out in the world.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hellfighter don't underestimate the creativity of a WS to meet with the OP. If she wants to meet with an OM, she WILL find a way (sending the kids for a sleepover over to their friends house while she and the OM get together is one way). Keep your eyes peeled and snoop as much as you can.

But besides the legal ramifications, as far as affairs go, I don't understand what difference it would make if it was either her or myself at home?
I kind of like the idea of her being the one leaving since she is the unhappy one with the situation as it now sits. It might contribute to a wake up call for herself to be away from her home. But isn't this also like driving her into another mans arms if there is one?

Hellfighter, whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME!!! If she wants the D, then she should be the one who leaves. The worst thing you can do is protect her from the consequences of her decision by allowing her to stay in her nice, cozy home. You should not leave your own home to accommodate this whim. Nor should the children be uprooted from their home. You also risk being charged being abandonment if you leave. If she moves out then she will have to suffer the loss of her nice comfy, safe home. She will never experience that if you leave. She will just move on as if nothing happened in perfect bliss.

MelodyLane:
I think your right, thank-you. A little bit of tough love never hurt anybody, right?