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Joined: May 2003
Posts: 7
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 7 |
H and I have been separated almost 8 mths now. 2 kids, S 3, D 1. Married 3 years, 5 days after 3rd anniversary, says not in love w/ me anymore, wants to separate. A month later, found out he's talking to another woman. This OW also happens to be his old best friend from HS. He stopped talking to her when he met me and we married. When he left, says she was the only person he thought would talk to him (even though they haven't talked in 3 years??) He spends more and more time with OW and less and less with me. I get tired of it. Tell him I was moving on (this was 3 mths after separation) Decided to call my old friend from HS whom I stopped talking to also when I met H. He said all the right things, did all the right things, I was vulnerable and I slept w/ him. H just knew, asked me and I was honest w/ him. He came home that weekend for 3 days then left again. I continued to see OM sometimes and talked often on the phone. A month later, I see evidence of H sleeping w/ OW. Up until this point, he maintained they were only friends and he was not going to give that friendship up again. He wasn't going to choose.
I go a month of not really speaking to him. During this time, I realized OM was using me for only one thing and I was just being vulnerable. I stopped calling him and only spoke to him maybe twice during March even though I really had NC w/ H. Around the end of March, also happening to be my Bday, H decides he wants to work things out. OW gets angry he's starting to spend time w/ me, even on my Bday. Says he can't have both. Only then does he realize this. Doesn't matter that this is what I've been saying all along. OM calls a couple weeks later, I tell him I can't see him or talk to him anymore because H and I were trying to work it out. Even though the risk is there we may not, I still decided NC.
H left for 3 weeks for Reserves Boot camp. I told him before he left I could not continue this after he got back. Said he understood. He comes back and nothing really has changed. The first week he made effort to come to MY place (instead of me to his) a couple times but that stopped when I started trying to meet him halfway in everything. He started being extremely mean and hateful in his tone of voice and I cried all the time again. I decided to emotionally detach myself from him again because that's the only way to stay off this rollercoaster. He still calls but we only talk for maybe 10 min a day...maybe..after all we have 2 kids.
Here's the part I have trouble with. 2 Sundays ago there was an incident where I was put in a bad situation, could have made bad mistakes, but chose not to and got myself out of the situation. Told H about it because I'm just honest. Next day, I go to pick up the kids, he gets off work early unbeknownst to me, and asks that I go with him to talk. He drives us to the beach to "our" spot. We talk about the situation and about what we want w/ our relationship. He says he does want to work it out but that the only reason he would ever end his friendship with OW is for me because he knows it hurts me. Says their PA has been over since March, EA basically over. Told me to figure what I wanted because it wasn't about him, it was about what would make me happy. I go a few days of not speaking to him. Ask him Wed. to talk on Thurs. OK. Thurs, no talk. Friday no talk. Saturday, says maybe Sunday. Saturday, I go to the mall & run in to him and OW. I flip out almost. He says not to ruin it for him, he was ending it w/ her that night. I didn't trust him.
Sunday rolls around. I meet him at his place. We leave for dinner. Not my idea. I ask him what happened the night before, beginning to end. He says he got ready, she called. Asked him to pick her up to go to the mall. He said he had other things to do, he couldn't. Says after you get done? OK. He's thinking he can kill two birds w/ one stone. They go out, see me, they leave, he tells her in the car that we're trying to work it out, we're supposed to talk and if we decide to do that then he can't talk to her or see her anymore. She asks him to at least first talk to me and then see what I say.
Soooo, basically he's basing his decision to end it w/ her on if we decide to even try to work on us or not. If not, then he goes back to her and they remain friends. If so, then he says he will NC w/ her. I know she was a good friend to him before and maybe even now, but what do I do to try to get him to realize he can't base one decision on the other? It's not right at all. I've read "diary of a madman" and this guy also had a "friend" which went to an A and also dealt w/ the same emotions as H is. But I don't think he based his decision to end his A on the basis if he and his W worked on their marriage.
Also, while he's going through this....and I think he's very close at coming out of the "fog", how do I get over my resentment and bitterness at what all he's put me through and try to be the best person in his day and be a "friend" when I talk to him instead of talking about us?
Thanks in advance for any input. I hope to get some positive feedback on this since I feel like I'm playing something out of left field here.
Thanks.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
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Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Hi aactcmc,
Welcome to MB. Well your situation puts you in a duel role: BS & WS.
In all your writing you never mentioned how this was affecting your children. While they may be young, the older one is aware of who mom and dad are. Your youngest also recognizes their parents vs a 'friend or non family member'. So how did you explain what you and your H have done?
Have you read the concepts section above? Take the emotional needs questionnaire and if you can get ahold of the books "surviving an affair" and "his needs/her needs"....both books are by Dr W Harley.
You have a lot of reading to do and decisions to make. Your situation may be off to a better start much quicker than others but the road to recovery will still be bumpy.
There is a lot you need to learn about each other and determine what you need to forgive and overcome, either separately or together.
Your H doesn't sound quite ready to come home yet....what do you think?
Please let us know how you are doing.
L.
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Joined: May 2003
Posts: 7
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 7 |
We didn't really "explain" ourselves to our children as they are really very young. My daughter only had 10 months of us together, so she really doesn't know anything different. My son at first acted out and I took that in stride. He would ask where daddy was at. I would tell him at Uncle ******'s house (which is where he was/still is staying). WH watches them during the day while I work and I pick them up for nights except 2 nights a week and I have them on weekends. So they see both of us equally and we maintain our shared views of parental discipline and values. The kids know they are loved by both of us. They also know that mommy lives here and daddy lives there. My son has gotten out of his acting out...but it took a couple of months.
As far as books, I have another member sending me some. I've only read one book "the power of a praying wife" but I will continue to read more.
I know our road will be long, but we both want to make sure that at least we know everything will be ok and we can work through it BEFORE getting back together. It would be devastating to go back into this and then months or even years later think it was all for nothing and have to do this again, maybe for good. That's where I have the problem of how he is wanting to handle the NC w/ OW. It leaves too many questions open as to the validity of his motives and doesn't solidify the thoughts we shared on if we were to get back together. We both said that if we do, we want to know and make sure that it is the right thing to do because we never want to have to go through something like this again. Wouldn't you think if that's the way he felt when he said it, he would end contact w/ OW regardless of the risk of us getting back together or not?
No, I know he's not ready to come home, but I don't think he will either until he has NC w/ OW and we are on our road to recovery. However, I personally don't believe that road can start until we are under the same roof again. Which also brings another problem. We don't have a place together to come home to. I live w/ my parents, he w/ his brother. And neither of us want to rent again, so it could be months/years before something solid happens. I know I want to reconcile with H - that I don't have a doubt of...I just need to know what I can do on my end (while we aren't living together) to not make it worse and to enable him to view me as the person he married again. Right now, he's very angry - maybe not everyday and not really with his words, but just by the tone in his voice. You can tell. It seems he hangs on my every word waiting for the chance to jump off the handle at something I say.
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