I posted this under Plan A/Plan B as well but was suggested I could get more responses here. (sorry if you read it twice - but I need advice and opinions)

I met with my Husband 3 days ago and told him how I felt (whole story is found in "How Do I Plan A?".

I got an email from him today right before I left work. It was definitely not the response I was looking for. Or perhaps I'm just not seeing anything good from it. Those of you who are heard many more stories, PLEASE HELP!! I cried all the way home and I fell down to my knees as soon as I got here. It just hurts!

He started out by saying that he hoped I was doing well. He knew that I didn't expect him to respond to our conversation from 3 days ago but he wanted me to know that he did hear every word I said.

He said he knew of some of the problems I wrote down on my "failure" list I gave him. He just never said anything about it. He admits that our biggest fault was communication. We didn't have any. We could joke and have a small chat here and there but he could never tell me when he felt uncomfortable about what I said or did. He said he doesn't know why. He said it's something that came from when we were dating. He didn't feel that we had an open relationship.

He did acknowledge that he knew the list could have gone on and on and not just mine, but his as well. Though he hasn't shown me his list, he said he did write one. He then said that he knew his decision was a last minute thing and that it hurt me very much. He said he was sorry and that he did mean it. He told me to hold on to God and never let go of him and I will come out victorious. He then said that when he gets back to praying, he will pray that I find a man whom I can trust, not just because he's my partner in life but because I feel that I can trust him.

He then just said that he knew he was getting a bit confusing 'cause he was even losing himself, so he'd end it there. He said "God Bless you and have a great life. Don't let anything come between you and your dreams. Good Bye!"

This all hurt me very much because it is not what I wanted him to reply. Am I just jumping the gun here and running to conclusions too soon? He was very kind in the way he worded himself and I'm guessing it's because I did it the same way when we met. Doesn't he understand that the ONLY partner in life that I want his HIM??? He became my life partner almost 5 years ago and I expected it to be just that....for LIFE! I just don't know what to think. I feel like I'm back to day one all over again. WHAT DO I DO?? Please, I need advice. ANYONE!!!

Hopeful:

Your WS is engaging in FOG TALK. Don't back down or give up on your marriage. It's kind of like a test to see if you care about him. It's important for him to believe that you care during PLAN A. My WS shared the importance of this to him.

My WS said the same crap to me many months before D-Day, that he did not love me anymore. It's all a part of the process to rationalize and enable his A. Now he is full of doubt because I did not back down and walk away as so many BSes do that do not know about MBs.

Read my post to JOQUIN under PLAN B EXPERTS. I shared what Steve Harley counseled to me about BEING IN LOVE. The Harleys believe that FEELINGS OF LOVE are easily changeable. That concept helped me a lot.

Hang in there. I have been where you are and understand how much it hurts. Try not to believe it. You are dealing with an alien.

<small>[ June 12, 2003, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Thank You Mimi

I'm glad to hear that this is all still FOG TALK. I don't want to back down or give up on my M. It's just so hard when only one person is working at it. Even harder since I don't even see him or talk to him. It's been a bit tough to do the Plan A because I really don't know how to.

I understand that Feelings of Love are easily CHANGEABLE but what else can I do to have him love me again?

I'm hanging in here as best as I can. It's just so HARD! I know it's like dealing with an alien but sometimes I just feel like giving up. I don't want to and I pray that I don't.

Thank you for the encouragement. Responses here do really help ALOT!

Hopeful-

As mimi mentioned, this is fog talk and your M is FAR from being over unless you decide it is. Read up on Plan A/B and take control of your life. You're still early on in the marathon so pace yourself and try not to read too much into his actions. Is he still in contact with the OW? Reason I ask is that I've noticed that quite a few BS have elected to not expose the A and I think it's a mistake. Tell everyone in both families, put some pressure on it! Good luck...

I just spoke to my cousin and she was telling me that she spoke to my H yesterday. He told her about our conversation and how he replied to me a few days ago. He did confess that the fight he had after our talk did have to do with OW. It was a guy that has been bothering her, so he was defending her. She asked him if he was still with her then and he said they've been working at it. (they've broken up a few times - don't know the reasons) How can he give it a try in working it out with OW and NOT ME??????????? He just quit with me. I don't understand. He just met her some months back but has known me for about 18 years!!!! I'm hurt but I do understand that this is still FOG TALK. When we met last Sunday I told him that if he decided to come back, to know that he would find many open arms. I told him that the widest arms he would find would be that of his wives. When he was talking to my cousin yesterday he told her what I told him and made it seem that he didn't care what he was doing now 'cause I had told him I'd be there with my arms open whenever he wanted. I didn't mean FOREVER!! What do I do now??

How could he ask me to pray for him when he was going to beat up some guy that was bothering OW?? The NERVE of him!!!!

I'm so hurt and lost. PLEASE ADVISE!!!!!

Hopeful,

Try not to let what he does or say bother you. I know its hard... but it does you no good.

I found this on another thread and thought it applied to you as well:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your husband is having an affair.
Don't try to understand why he is doing what he does. Don't try to understand what he will do.

Just expect him to do something which;
a - will make you mad
b - will not make ANY sense
c - he will do with no logical reason/common sense
d - he will not do something which any "sane" person would HAVE to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is hard.. I know. Dealing with H's A's is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't want to sound like a broken record... but the best thing you can do right now is take care of you... don't let him bring you down. Now that you know he's still seeing OW (and that they are having problems <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) you be the better person.

And of course you're not going to be waiting there forever... wishful thinking on his part I think.

Continue on your Plan A (you'll understand this better when you read SAA - I think the time frame suggested for most is 6 mos. then they go to Plan B) and when he see's the mistake he's made <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and decides he wants you and not the OW you'll see that it really does work.

I'm not sure what else to tell you. Just wanted to let you know I'm still following your story and will offer support and advice when I can.

I also wanted to give you a bump in hopes that some of the old timers would read and offer you some help.

Let us know how you're doing.

H&S

Yes, it's hard not to let things he says or does bother me but I'm getting better at it. Thanks to all the stories I've read here on MB (knowing that they are all pretty similar).

What you quoted from another thread is SOOO true. Thank you.

This is definitely the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do. I really thought our M was going so good but now that I look back at it....wow. There's just so much I've learned that I didn't know before. I just hope to get that 2nd opportunity and work to get that marriage we've always dreamed of. It's been 4 months now that he's left but it just seems forever. I don't feel as hurt as I was in the beginning 'cause of all the support and encouragement I've received here but it does still hurt. Some days more than others. I am starting to take care of myself. I DO need to let him see that life with him is GOOD but without him it's still OK. Yes, I'll definitely be the BETTER PERSON (since he's had problems with OW already) The first time they separated, SHE was the one that broke it off. Don't have any details but apparently she called him back some days later and wanted to get back. He just told her he was going to THINK about it.

Now that I think about it. Seems like the times he's said things about wanting to go back to God or just wanting to go back to church (he's even said he misses his CATS - we have 2) has been the times he's not with OW. She just needs to be out of the picture but that's the HARDEST part. She's poisoned his mind and no one can convince him to anything. I know that he'll eventually recognize and realize that he's made a mistake but how long will that take? I'm trying to do the best I can at Plan A but since we don't have much contact, it's tough.

Thank you so much H&S for following my story and offering support and advice when you can. I understand that you have your M to work on yet you are still here helping others. You've been a GREAT help. I'll definitely keep you all posted with anything new happening. I haven't heard from him since he emailed me 5 days ago but I'll let you know when he does.

Don't take his words to heart, he is very confused....

More later.

Take care of you right now.

H

up

Hi hopeful,

Just wondering how you're doing... Have you read SAA and if so has it helped you with your Plan A?

Have you been taking care of yourself?

Give us an update when you can..

H&S

Hello

I'm doing good. Yes, I'm reading SAA. I'm halfway right now. Yes, it did help me with my Plan A. My only concern is that I don't know what my H's most important EN's are. How can I try to meet them when I don't know them and he's not around? What if his most important one is SF and that's what the OW is meeting? How do I compete with that? It just seems harder to work on this plan when separated but I have heard that it's worked for other people.

Yes, I've been taking care of myself. I'm going to start excercising and I've been buying a new outfit every paycheck. I never really dressed that nice before and my H had even mentioned that to me one time but I didn't pay attention to him. I look pretty good now but he doesn't see me. Hopefully other people that see me will tell him.

I was talking to some of the ladies on a chat board they created and they have also given good encouragement. I am currently living with my parents but am looking into getting my own place. My H would NEVER even consider coming back to live with my Parents. I'm not just wanting to move out because of that but because I need my independence. My parents were very strict with me and never let me go anywhere. They controlled everything I did and I never rebelled. When I got married, this was FREEDOM for me. I was so happy that I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not have to ask them for permission. (and I was 21 at the time) I was selfish though and did not think how my H felt. He had actually LOST his freedom. Since I've always been so careful about pleasing my mother, even though I was married, it made my H very uncomfortable. He HATED it. Perhaps, that's why I feel that I just need to be away from them now. I love them but living with them is not helping this whole situation. As one of the ladies on the chat told me last night...."What is more important? Pleasing your mother or trying to make your M work?" DEFINITELY my marriage. Living with them never really made me feel like I had actually started my OWN family. (even though we have no kids) I never really felt independent. I guess that's what I'm looking for now. Perhaps that will also make my H see that I really am changing and moving on, even without him here.

I haven't heard from him since he last emailed last week. I'll keep you updated with anything new.

Thanks you H&S and everyone else that comments.

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