I am so angry and tired of getting neglected.
After his 3 affairs, I want to retaliate and have my own.
I need to have someone care about me and put aside their wants for a moment.
It would be nice to be loved for me and not what he can turn me into.
I find myself hiding my anger, my tears, my fears, my doubts he will ever change.
Most of all, I'm scared. Scared of loving him again - only to be hurt again.
just sounding off.

Have you let him know this? Sometimes it is helpful to let your spouse know how frustrated you are. Now you say it and when is also important.

Revenge affairs, even the thought is common but not healthy. How would you like to be the one used for a revenge A?

L.

Get a copy of Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". You have many options. Don't be a victim. When you start to make your own choices, you will not be lost anymore. You did not lose his love, your love is gained and lost together.

That's called a 'revenge affair' - a common pattern it seems. The point is that if you do that, you return thoughtless behaviour with thoughtless behaviour. hardly a good start to move forward to a better future together. rather, I'd suggest you explore the underlying issues the two of you have together which lead to your spouses affairs.

Dear ESting,
Please please please do not have a "Revenge Affair". I guess there is one way that you could look at it. Remember how you feel inside knowing that your H is betraying you? Would you want another person to feel that horrible, that confused, that lonely. Not just you H, but the perhaps other BS? Remember the amount of lies and manipulation involved with getting away with an affair? Do you really want to reduce yourself to that? You could get yourself into a spot that is really difficult to get out of. Affairs are an addiction. You may get to a point when you think it's time for quits, but, what if you can't? What if the affair partner becomes addicted and can't quit?
We Will Pray For You.
Stay Blessed, hang in there, be strong, go buy a box of chocolate, plant a garden, go see a funny movie, call a dear friend, anything! DON'T DO IT!

E,

Seven months ago I had a "revenge affair." I wouldn't have called it that at the time but the more I look back at it the more it seems that way. Big mistake for you to go down that path. As a BS you already have a myriad of things going through your head; now add to that the guilt of your own A, letting yourself down...disappointing yourself.

Care for yourself, nurture yourself. You better than anyone knows how to do that.

God Bless

Sorry been out of loop-
Moving from one house to another and continue to be going thru the "Move form hell"
I know a "revenge affair" is not the answer but those thoughts flood my mind often enough for me to want to discuss it.
I don't agree with doing to him what he has done to me. I just am very confused and feeling quite rejected, neglected and unwanted.
When he touches me, I feel as if he's rather be touching someone else.
Yes, I have talked to him about how I feel but he doesn't want to discuss it. He says it's too painful for him to go thru the quilt again.
I feel very alone in all this and very much as if I am setting myself up for another time.
One thing that helps is being able to post my feeling here.
As least I am not keeping it all in and it helps to vent.
Thanks for your responses.

Hi,

Good to hear from you. Looks like we need to get you to a better frame of mind and heart.

Moving is quite stressful. To do it with the A stuff hanging around you makes a double whammy.

So he won't go to a MC or is in denial.....well you don't have to be and really there is a lot you can have and do to help you feel better.

U need to finish your move first, but you can take some time to breathe, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Then come back here and post.

take care,
L.

I know what you are saying, have been there. My H had an affair, facilitated by the fact he was constantly on the road for the Army.
I thought about having a "revenge affair", wanted to feel the arms of someone who WANTED me, not someelse around me. I can recall asking My H to hold me, feeling bad because I had to ask him to hold me.
what kept me going was what a counselor and some friends told me. Love is an action verb. You choose to love some one else. If you loved some one once you can love them again. If you were in love once you can "fall in love" again.
But I shy away from "in love" feelings. Because they aren't real. They are like a drug and just as addictive. If you truly love some one you have their wants and needs in the forefront of your expectations. Loving someone means you want the best for that person, even if it means you have to give up something or some one that you want.
However, 3 affairs, this man has to get a grip. You cannot survive emotionally if you are constantly being subjected to this roller coaster. If he is not committed to you and your marriage after this, then maybe it is time to cash it in. YOU DESERVE TO BE THE ONLY WOMAN IN HIS LIFE. If he can't do this, then move on. If he treats you like this, he won't settle down with any other woman, he'll keep on doing what makes him happy.
I hope you can get him to committ to your marriage and buid a new one, we did. But there was only one affair, and he totally committed to our relationship.
He still travels, but I feel confident he is not cheating. He knows if he does, it is all over. If he cheats again, all of his dirty laundry will exposed. The knight in shining armor he likes to believe he is will be extremely tarnished.

Texasgirl

One thing that bothers me about the "one more time and you're out of here" thing is that it seems to be an easy out for him.
He swears that he will remain faithful but he did that back in '98. I caught him in so many lies this time that I can't bring myself to trust his word. I take it all with a grain of salt.
I am trying to keep it together but yet preparing myself for the worst. I feel like I'm sitting on a fence.
I can't tell yet if he's making love to me or fantasizing about his other women while touching me.
I feel stuck with no out.
I feel as though the effort is more on my part and he's just tagging along for the ride till something better appears.
I speak to him but he doesn't want to go thru the pain of his quilt. Yet I go thru the pain of his infidelity several times a day.
I am trying to block and control my thoughts, my words and my actions. But this is hard and he really doesn't help much. He refuses to go to counselling and I can't afford to go on my own.
One day at a time - One day at a time.

My husband is home today and has walked into my office several times in the last half hour. It really bothers him that I am trying to get help thru this from somewhere other than him.
He doesn't want to be couseled and he doesn't want me being counseled either.
What's with that????
I've also noticed that he has been calling me frequently during the day questioning me about my whereabouts. Think he thinks I'm on the prowl??? or about to walk out???
Something funny going on here.