When we were first married, we both had no interest in having children. Now, after 12 years of marriage, I want to have children. She still has no desire to be a mother and, in fact, feels uncomfortable around children. I love her, but don’t want to look back on my life and feel unfulfilled. I am stuck and I can use some advice and guidance. Thanks

That's a tough one, Budster. You, essentially, changed the rules after 12 years. I understand that one can change their mind about that, but at the same time it's certainly not a great deal for your wife.

Are you quarelling about the difference in opinion...is it bringing a distance between you? Or are you working together to figure out a mutually satisfying solution?

I wish I had some advice to offer - I'm certain someone here will. I'm replying because I can relate in some ways to what you're saying because I fear it may happen to me.

My husband and I have been married almost 9 years. When we first got married I wanted kids and he didn't. We had a long talk about it, and I accepted it. It was too soon and we weren't ready. Now, after all this time, circumstances have changed and I have firmly decided I do not want children. I have gone back to school and we both have to work full time, at least for now.

Our good friends just had their first (and only) child. They had her when they were 37. I'm 31 now. Their daughter is great, and we love her - especially my husband. He's talking more and more now about possibly wanting kids someday. I feel like it's too late. I don't want to have a child when I'm over 35 - I feel fulfilled the way I am. Plus, these friends of ours are more financially stable so she is a stay-home mom. I think if I were in that situation I would be more open to the idea. I even suggested that maybe someday, once I'm settled with my new career, that we adopt.

Anyway, so far it hasn't come up. The last time we had the discussion he was still against having children. I'm only thinking that the possibility of conflict over this issue could arise.

I hope you are able to reach a solution. I know this must be terribly frustrating for both of you.

Blessings,
C.

mornin' budster!

Is your wife even willing to consider the question - to explore that possibility?

Is her main fear losing her career?

What if you were willing to be a househusband - a stay at home dad?

I think the bottom line here is that if she changes her mind it has to be because she really wants to. There will be a huge resentment downstream if you pressure her into this.

You say she is uncomfortable around kids. That's not very uncommon. If your wife is willing to experiment, this is the place to start. For her to be more comfortable around kids, she needs to be able to spend some time with small kids in an environment with is "safe" for your wife and she needs to be able to read about them or listen to parents talk about them - to understand why they do the things they do. You can't project adult expectations on child behaviour. Once you start to understand why they do what they do, it's easy to let go of the expectation that they will be little adults - quiet and orderly. Then it becomes fascinating to watch them explore life - even if it is a bit messy and loud.

Anyway, I've got a 2-year-old (first child) and am in my 40's. Fortunately, my W wanted children always.

Good luck to you and keep talking to us.

-AD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4future:
<strong>That's a tough one, Budster. You, essentially, changed the rules after 12 years. I understand that one can change their mind about that, but at the same time it's certainly not a great deal for your wife.

Are you quarelling about the difference in opinion...is it bringing a distance between you? Or are you working together to figure out a mutually satisfying solution?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, we aren’t quarrelling. In fact, I’m struggling with this issue on my own right now. It came up a few years ago when we were in therapy, but I thought I could deal with it and move on. But, I can’t.

Yes, I feel horribly guilty about “changing the rules”. Yes, it’s a horrible deal for my wife – she’s a truly wonderful person and cares for me very deeply.

However, we are different people now. I don’t believe there will be a mutually satifying solution.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong>mornin' budster!

Is your wife even willing to consider the question - to explore that possibility?

Is her main fear losing her career?

What if you were willing to be a househusband - a stay at home dad?

I think the bottom line here is that if she changes her mind it has to be because she really wants to. There will be a huge resentment downstream if you pressure her into this.

You say she is uncomfortable around kids. That's not very uncommon. If your wife is willing to experiment, this is the place to start. For her to be more comfortable around kids, she needs to be able to spend some time with small kids in an environment with is "safe" for your wife and she needs to be able to read about them or listen to parents talk about them - to understand why they do the things they do. You can't project adult expectations on child behaviour. Once you start to understand why they do what they do, it's easy to let go of the expectation that they will be little adults - quiet and orderly. Then it becomes fascinating to watch them explore life - even if it is a bit messy and loud.

Anyway, I've got a 2-year-old (first child) and am in my 40's. Fortunately, my W wanted children always.

Good luck to you and keep talking to us.

-AD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong>mornin' budster!

Is your wife even willing to consider the question - to explore that possibility?

Is her main fear losing her career?

What if you were willing to be a househusband - a stay at home dad?

I think the bottom line here is that if she changes her mind it has to be because she really wants to. There will be a huge resentment downstream if you pressure her into this.

You say she is uncomfortable around kids. That's not very uncommon. If your wife is willing to experiment, this is the place to start. For her to be more comfortable around kids, she needs to be able to spend some time with small kids in an environment with is "safe" for your wife and she needs to be able to read about them or listen to parents talk about them - to understand why they do the things they do. You can't project adult expectations on child behaviour. Once you start to understand why they do what they do, it's easy to let go of the expectation that they will be little adults - quiet and orderly. Then it becomes fascinating to watch them explore life - even if it is a bit messy and loud.

Anyway, I've got a 2-year-old (first child) and am in my 40's. Fortunately, my W wanted children always.

Good luck to you and keep talking to us.

-AD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry for the lack of input. You should know that I'm 42 and she's 45. She's always been uncomfortable around children and has no interest.

As far a career, she has been in school part time for the 12 years getting her degree. She has not really found anything permanent or long term at this point – bad economy etc. I've built a successful HR consulting career and I'm in line to be the Senior Partner. I’ve been “the breadwinner” and very supportive of her – emotionally & financially - while she has been in school.

This is not an easy situation to resolve. While we have had our difficulties in the past, we've successfully negotiated our way along the path of life together. I'm afraid that this will split us apart.

As pointed out in the first reply, I'm changing the rules. Do I have the right to do that? If not, how do I deal with this need without feeling resentful and angry for the rest of my life?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by budster2:
<strong>As pointed out in the first reply, I'm changing the rules. Do I have the right to do that? If not, how do I deal with this need without feeling resentful and angry for the rest of my life?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, you are changing the rules "mid-game"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sure you can try to change the rules, that doesn't mean she'll play by them!!

IMHO, the two of you need to sit down, maybe with a MC, and discuss this issue in detail...ad nauseum!!! The two of you have a couple of options...have a baby or don't have a baby. I'm not making light of your situation, it's a HUGE issue!! In fact, it can be a deal breaker!!

Now, I'll tell you something from a professional point of view (I'm a OB/GYN nurse). Something you may want to consider, at 45 your W is substantially more at risk for pregnancy induced health problems and complications. There is also a greatly increased risk of the baby having problems. As well, your W may not be able to concieve at all.

I know of one couple that split up because he wanted kids and she didn't and I know of the opposite situation...they are still together but, no kids. Each has come to a peaceful resolution to the problem so yes, it can be done.

Try to discover why you want a baby. Ask yourself the tough questions. See a MC with your W and work through this so neither one of you feels angry or resentful!!

budster,

Well, the first think I would recommend is for you to find opportunities to be involved in the lives of other people's children to the extent that is possible.

Another option is to be more involved with any nieces/nephews you have.

Yet another, if you are a sporting type, is to volunteer to help with some children's sport or other activitiy.

If you are in a church, become a children's sunday school teacher - or volunteer to help keep order for the 3-year-old's choir practice.

After you have become involved with some children - if your W will listen, just tell her about your experiences. Tell her what little so-and-so did at the baseball game, or what a fun time you had getting all the 3-year-old boys to sit down and learn something at the choir practice. See if she "catches" your enthusiasm and developes and appreciation or curiosity about what you are doing. Maybe she will join in sometimes.

Of course, that is a long way from having a child of your own - but there are many many people who as adults will say "I really was close to uncle Bob - he was like second Dad for me." And they will want to go back and visit that uncle or neighbor who was important to them as a child. Being that person can be very rewarding too.

The world is full of children with overwhelmed parents who would love to have a little help - an "uncle" for their kids. If they know you well enough to trust you, they often would be glad to share their children with you. This can be an extremely rewarding experience for you.

-AD

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>