Terri

I thought of your H when I read this tonight....

The great curse of a cheat is not that no one trusts him ... but that he can trust no one.

true, so true...

Hello all,

Okay, just help me a little. After all the fun yesterday, I'm feeling a little weak. I don't give into the urges anymore like I used to...calling OW or H is now out of the question for me BUT...

I miss him

And of course, what did my mother say...do this with civility. Your D must come first. Don't you realize that having her is enough? It's a gift, etc. etc.

No Ma, I really don't. I'm just selfish.

She continues. Well, come on. Does he know you have a lawyer? As long as he does, then he'll be happier, I'm sure. He doesn't want you standing in his way.

God...by the way. I did find a lawyer that is smart, assertive and intelligent. So things are underway...

Terrified is "terrified" inside but I'm doing this...I'm doing what I have to do.

Why does it feel like it's just going to be over so fast...and my H doesn't even care about anything else? It's like he's running away as fast as he can to the other person...

Okay. I'm through.

Terrified - I just want to give you some encouragement - OK now I my hell started on 10/01 - and I just got divorced 9/02 - and my ex and I - I miss him very much and I believe that I always will - and I would waffle back from not talking to him at all - to talking to him to getting along great - to being angry at getting along - to being angry at not getting along - I never was able to find a happy medium - then about two weeks ago - we had a bad run in with him and my 10 / 13 year old daughters and he freaked and threatened me and drove the kids home early etc... big mess. and I had the hardest time dealing with my girls all weekend - one being a huge pain in the butt and the other one trying to fix everything - well that following Monday - I woke up and I said you know what enough... I am not happy being divorced - I did not ask for this - but I cannot change this -- and in the long run I know I am going to be happy - when I don't know but I know that I will - And I also accepted the fact that my exhusband was a good person that did a bad thing to me - I am not sure I will ever forgive him but I am now willing to forget - I have also come to the conclusion that I would not have taken him back because the simple fact is that I don't trust him ... So what I am saying is that you cannot make yourself accept this situation overnight - you cannot make people understand why you do this or why you do that - And you have to just deal with your feelings - see how and what is affecting your daughter and go from there - the children are what is important but you don't have to be best friends or you don't even have to talk now - that will come in time - when you are ready and able to deal - So yes you will still have bad days - but they will come fewer and further between - Stay strong... Mimi

"mother say(s)...do this with civility. "

"No Ma, I really don't (have to)."

That sounds like the right answer to me.

If your H was civil, upright, doing good, then yeah, you should be civil too.

HE IS NOT. So you don't HAVE TO to inflict yourself with his presence right now, unless, among other things HE TREATS YOU civily.

You aren't the nut or the bad guy in your scenario. And your H isn't nuts or the bad guy all the time, but he does have the lion's share of the bad behavior in comparision with you.

I wish you had more real life support, but, I guess that isn't in your control either. I think with your mom I'd start "blaming" stuff on Steve Harley.

"Gee, Mom, I hear you, but my counselor really has a lot of experience with situations just like mine and for the time being, I'm choosing to take his professional advice and he advises that I don't interact with H."

For someone who supposedly wants you out of his life, your H is rather creating a fuss about you not spending time with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And, try not to focus on the OW. She's not your problem at this point. H and his behavior is. You are right that he's chosen to be this way...she's just a symptom, or a method of self-medication, for what he thinks is wrong with his life, he doesn't want to blame himself, which is where the truth lies.

Take care, Terri, you will not always be as unhappy as you are now. I believe you've gained strength, and you will be just fine, with or without your H.

Hello all and thank-you.

Okay, I'm sad. I think my SIL's may be avoiding me a little...or perhaps it's my paranoia.

I think they don't want to deal with the truth of which I am a reminder. I don't know.

Maw, I wish you well. Yours is truly a nightmare as well.

Lor, Hope you're well. My mother...says my counsellor doesn't know what he's talking about...he's just another example of internet wierdos. I'm getting brainwashed, etc. etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For someone who supposedly wants you out of his life, your H is rather creating a fuss about you not spending time with him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I think he doesn't care about spending time with him. It's my not talking to him directly and "involving" other people which implies that I'm being difficult about the situation. What do you think?

Oh God...

Terri:

I know I have asked you this, but I am reminded of one of my favorite books... Boundaries. Have you read it? If not, I know it would help you with your plan b boundaries... You can plan b with love T- I know it is not the easiest thing to do.... but do it with dignity and love.

Now, one of your older posts... on this thread anyway... says -another joyless day-....

Please find some joy today. You mentioned you used to love work...put yourself back into it again and be proud of you. Maybe join some sort of support group... codependents, single parents, etc.- at a church or something.... even during your lunch hour... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> These are just suggestions... not even saying you are codependent, but that sort of support... might help. I have been labeled/called codependent and it is the personality who is still good to those who treat her bad b/c of addiction or other reasons... etc.

Anyway, stand up for you! You are doing better each day, and growing stronger.

I think right now there is a delicate balance that might tip the scale in your direction.... and that is-

While plan bing, do it with real dignity- without malice... so that wh can regain respect for you and see that you are doing this with the requirement that he treat you better for contact. You are doing this to stop the pain... and protect yourself and what is left of your love. ... Don't be afraid to tell him this if he asks. Excuse me if this is inappropriate b/c I do not know if you have minimal contact with him over D...?

I told my h in my own plan b version- I needed to see him less/ draw boundaries b/c of the hurtful words/situations etc. I needed to protect my love, and not see him unless he was ready for meeting no contact and higher boundaries.

Anyway- There is hope. Be CONFIDENT.. you are his wife! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He might not know it, but I suspect if he sees, the T who requires respect back - kind of the divorcebusters thing.... - he will have peaked interest and a new need to earn respect.

Do it T! One day at a time, you can grow to be more and more dignified in the face of his angry A behavior.

Hugs and Hope. Keep praying, and even pray for wh, and your sil's and your mom. Explain to your mom you are doing this to preserve/rebuild your own self respect and that wh was crossing your boundaries.

GO T!

Hugs, H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

oopsa

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

oops

Terri,
Have you considered anti-depressants? (I can't remember if you are on them or against them or your opinion).

You've been in turmoil a long time. You have good reason for sadness, but you might find anti-deps would bolster you at this time. You want to be able to think clearly and that's what I most appreciated about them, for the 6 months I took them, the clarity at a point where I was just so sad and angry and anxious I couldn't think through it.

Sending you prayers for your well-being.

Oh, and not to hi-jack your thread, but, I'm likely to see the FOW at H's work's family day today or at a retirement dinner tonight. I'd appreciate any extra prayers or positive thoughts that my composure is at a high level.

{sigh} still waiting for the day seeing her doesn't irk me.

Lor - I had to respond because I can relate - my OW lives next door to me - and whether she is former, current or future I couldn't tell you - But - just if she irks you - don't let her know it - that is the key act as though you could give a crap... And with each day it will lessen - I still get sick to my stomach everytime I see the wicked witch of the west that lives next door to me - but now I don't want to kill her everytime I look at her - just kind of think - wish you would drop dead or move away - I would be happy with either .... Because she is not someone that I want to be living next door to... Good luck to you - and remember don't let her see you sweat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

T you are NOT BEING DIFFICULT! It is everyone's basic RIGHT to protect themselves emotionally and physically. You are taking your human right to protect yourself from further tongue lashings (especially in front of your daughter) from your WS, whom by the way, happens to be the creator of all of this difficult situation when he stepped outside the marriage boundaries! REMEMBER THAT!

Lor, T, Maw, All bs's:

Prayers go out to you regarding peace around the OP/OW.

I was at an alanon mting today where praying for and asking for help from our HP in relieving us and releasing us from our shortcomings/character defects/ or even not so good behaviors/thoughts, etc. was talked about...

Well one day at a time, we can ask our higher power for help with that. I find myself still very angry at the OP. I think one day at a time we can all work through it and find forgiveness- really it frees us.

Hugs, H

I am sitting her at work trying to concentrate on this paper that I must finish, but all I can do is think about her and my sadness.

I am trying Plan B because I have been hurt so much over the last 6 months (especially since seperation 10 weeks ago) that I can not put myself in harm's way. I told her that I can not have contact because I need to work on my emotional seperation. I know that I have made the right decision for her, me and the relationship, but I just want her to love me so much. She is a WAW that does not believe she can be in love with me again. She is not willing at this moment to try to overcome those feelings by trying things because then she would not be honest with herself. She would be faking it. However, I reached the point where everytime I see her I get hurt. It is just to painful to be around her. As you can tell I love her so and am willing to wait a long time, but it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

When you feel like this, what do you do? I try and remember that this is her fault or something, but I am tired of getting angry and I refuse to go there. I am just sad and hurt.

I try and read others stories, talk to friends and NEVER let her know what is going on. It will be interesting when I get a new job and she will not even know. I must protect myself. One would think that would be so much easier.

Anyway, I understand your situation and find talking with others through bulletin board, phone, etc. can be extremely helpful. I have also noticed that a good cry can do wonders.

I am sorry about your mom, but maybe you need to use another support network that will care about your wishes instead of anybody elses. I am lucky in that my family has been awesome. No matter when I call they are always available and offer support. What I would not do without them.

We are here for you and our prayers will be with you. I find comfort in thinking about God eventough I am not religious. Maybe just putting hope to a higher authority will help.

Thanks Honey & Maw. Maw, next door, yuck. I did see a lot of the FOW yesterday. At the retirement dinner she & her H sat at the same table, fortunately a long table and they were at the other end...but there were at least a dozen other tables to choose from. She was close to the beer keg <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I don't know if disliking seeing her has so much to do with forgiveness, but seeing her does seem to be the last remaining trigger and my counselor always said triggers are evidence of unforgiveness. The FOW has never shown any remorse, and would likely do it again, so wariness/dislike seems logical.

Ok, back to Terri <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . How is your weekend going? Does you daughter have a game today?

Lor,
I am glad you survived seeing the FOW. I'm sorry you are still "triggered," so to speak...
I think time, will help you to forgive and not hurt as much.

Terrified,
Sorry to stomp on your thread. I hope you and your daughter are doing okay. You have made great progress!

How are you T?