Hello everyone, this is my first day of posting here, I just posted a note in the infidelity section under just found out. A little background info my Wife is having an affair & she has admitted it, we are seperated(not legally, just living) but she is refusing to stop. Bascially as several people have put it she is a cake eater. She & I have gone to MC, but lastnight admitted that she hasn't given MC a fair shot. I am a recovering Money Drunk have been now since March. I have tried to be as calm, & loving as I can be & I can only take so much. Tonight is going to be a huge test for me because she has told me that she is going out with the OM. I am very angry that she would choose to disrespect not only me but our marriage. I told her that I do not want her going, but I think that was a bad idea, because it looks like I am trying to control her, but I don't know how to take a stand to basically plan B. Our MC kinnda set a date of shortly after July 4th for her to come back to MC then we would take the next steps. How do I do this without losing her for good, since I want to work on things? Any ideas would be appreciated I am tired of getting no respect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Have your read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs'? If you haven't then I suggest that you start reading them ASAP. Read Dr Harley's What Are Plan A and Plan B? and follow it.

Right now the worst thing you can do is to loose your cool and start love busting her with angry outbursts(who wants to live with a time bomb?), selfish demands (who wants to live with a dictator?) or disrespectful judgements (who wants to live with a critic?). I will also like to recommend that you follow Michelle Weiner Davis's 180 degree list which is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without her.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if she notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

<small>[ June 14, 2003, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I can't say that I have done all of those things, but I have tried to do a whole bunch of them. I have not read the books, however I have read the articles on the website. I thought I did very well on the phone with her this morning when I told her I didn't want her to go, I was calm & collective even though I was very upset. It seems as though whenever we get together all we end up talking about latley is our situation or lack there of, when we talk on the phone I try to be distant & understanding I try not to ask questions ect...It is very very hard for to sit on the sodelines wait. Even though that is excatly what I am doing. My question is how long do I ride the pine before expressing to the coach how I really feel? Thanks for the input I will try even harder to practice those items. It is just so hard because I feel if I ignore her it will drive her into his arms even more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is just so hard because I feel if I ignore her it will drive her into his arms even more.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most of Dr Harley and Michelle Weiner Davis principles to save marriages, are counter to ones instincts. Besides, even if you did what you felt was needed, the results would probably be just what you fear.

Is the OM married? If he is Dr Harley recommends hta you, the BS(betrayed spouse), should inform his W(wife) about the A(affair) because this throws a bucket of cold water reality into their fantasy relationship.