Hi ,
I haven't posted here in a while. I've decided to start this new thread. Further down here I'll respond to the last two people- Checkers and Older and Wiser-- who answered my other thread back in May.

I guess I've chosen to focus on other things in my life, and when I come here I tend to read others' threads.

Thanks go especially to Kily, Sharon, JL, Litchfield, RlyHurtin, Coffeeman, Pepper, Lisa, Checkers, Older and Wiser, and others who helped me these past nine months at MB.

I wish I could erase the last five years, but I can't. It's almost five years to the day now that I first met exOM online, in a chatroom.

I realize now that by holding on to some sort of belief that my exH would return that I'm really only harming myself. It is preventing me from focusing on other things in my life that would enrich my time here on this planet.

It's like holding onto some sort of romantic fantasy, but it's really doubtful it could ever come true. ExH didn't EXPRESS much need for me when we were married, so it's crazy to think he would/could now. He said he always had the feelings for me, but that he couldn't express it.

I miss being married, I miss having a dad here to my children. ExH and I would now finally have a very comfortable income together, as I never worked in a job like this throughout the marriage. But that's okay. C'est la vie.

Older,
Thanks for your input, as always.

Yes, I did destroy my marriage. Not to make excuses, but it was plagued with problems from the beginning. In our first year of marriage, it became obvious that I was the one with the higher level, for one, of SN. One time during the first year of marriage I 'waited' for my exH to make the moves. I 'waited' eight weeks. He admitted he'd masturbated a few times, instead of coming to me during this time . This was when I was a 22 year old woman who was a 'head turner'.
I was sexually frustrated throughout a lot of our marriage. Sex or expression of physical love simply wasn't high on his list of things to do, and I got tired of waiting for him. It was painful to have a husband who couldn't say, 'I need you', or "I want you." For years I would say to him, "What do I do with this sexual part of me? Where do I express it, if not with you?" He would say, "I'm sorry, I wish I did have passion, but I don't."

We did seek counseling for a period in our marriage, about 7 years before I met exOM. The sex therapist worked with my now exH, and then with both of us. It helped for awhile, but exH gave up trying after the paid therapy ended. The sex therapist told me that one of the hardest things to treat is someone who has low or no sexual desire. ExH admitted that he'd be happy with having sex about once a month, or once every six weeks. I'd said I would have enjoyed it a few times a week. He was unwilling to compromise and have it once a week.

So, Older, you're most certainly right when you said that he is who he is, and I'm who I am. He's happy this way, indeed.

Thanks too for saying,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't live in the past. You have had the opportunity to learn many things and I think you have done so. He owes you nothing and even if you feel you owe him something he isn't the kind of guy to ask for it. In the clearest of ways he has said he no longer wants to know about you. He has divorced you. The only thing you two are is parents. The rest is an illusion.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Older, you're absolutely right. That says it all. We did have children together, and we still do. I'll cherish those memories forever. But the rest is an illusion, forever.

I'm done trying to win him back, so to speak.

Older, you also said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You exh will live again too. Don't feel bad for him. He knows he wasn't there for you when and in the way you needed him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In all actuality, you are 100% true. I appreciate your honesty and insight. I had a need for admiration and someone wanting me. He couldn't do that.

Older, thanks for the warning. You also said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just make sure it isn't a gigolo who only wants to get into your pants. They are on every street corner.
PS warn your daughter of that too
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with you on that one. I see now that OM really never had any sort of intentions to be with me for the long run, at all. How do I know this? Well, he did move 500 miles away from his family, to live near me. (I refused to let him live with me.) But did he get an attorney and respond seriously to his wife's divorce papers? No. Would he call her in front of me and ask how the divorce was progressing? No. Am I divorced now? Yes. Is he? As far as I know, no. I'm sure he'll never divorce from her. She seems to accept this sort of marriage.

One thing I need to say. I thank God that the memory of the beauty of my exH's ways caused me to wake up and dump exOM. I could only compare them, constantly. My exH's graciousness at all times caused me to see what a loser I had left my marriage for. I certainly can always be grateful to my exH for that.

Thanks, Older. You've been very helpful. God bless you!

Checkers,
I appreciate your wisdom, too. You're right, exH doesn't need me at all. In actuality, he really doesn't need anyone. He's the sort of person who could be happy living alone in a cabin in the forest, it seems. That's fine too, it suits him. It doesn't suit me.

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> then your question should be; what does he need? what can you give him? he has to feel this. if the change in your outlook is real any contact with him will cause him to feel this concern for his well being.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He knows I'm concerned for his well being. He's simply not interested in that concern.

I appreciate your suggestion to visit him once a week. I haven't done that yet, and I don't plan on it. He has made it clear he doesn't wish to be friends with me. I simply need to respect his choice, and not grovel for some sort of attention or time from him.

He'd be so uncomfortable, I think it would be cruel to do it. That's how I feel, Checkers, but I appreciate your idea.

ExH has never been much of a talker. This sort of visit would send him over the edge, as far as feeling upset. I just don't think it's a good idea.

The other night my mom said that other people she knows don't understand why I'm not dating. They say, "She's pretty, smart, warm, and so funny. She has a great job, and can talk to anyone about anything." The truth is, I don't want to date. I do still love exH, and I want to enjoy life by myself and recover from this mess I've made. I also don't want to date until my youngest one is over 18.

I was at a party the other night, and it tugged at my heart to see a group of four couples lining up together for photos. Reality took a grip though later on when I learned that one of the men in this group of couples actually is violent toward his wife. The lesson here? Things aren't as they seem, and rejoice in what you have.

To a single/divorced person, the world may appear to be full of happy couples. If one looks deeper, you'll see that many of them are more miserable in that marriage than many of us who are alone will ever be, all by ourselves.

Thanks to all here who have helped so much. Things are getting better. I ended it with exOM 11 months ago, and I've now been officially divorced 10 months. I was separated from exH almost three years ago. I still love exH, and I'm sure I always will. He's a great human being, and I thank God he and I were married 21 years. Life is going on just fine, and I know that if it's meant to be, I'll be loved again.

God bless all of you,
Hopeful_Person

H-P hi,

I'm thankful that you feel my comments helped you and that you are beginning to find some stability after so much torment.

I can't add much to your marriage's SN? (SF) mismatch. I subscribe to the concept that it takes 2 to tango and if either one is not ready to dance you sit it out.

You have clearly become a different person with a much bigger and stronger contribution to make. I have the feeling that whilst you still describe your life in terms of what you need, you are beginning to think in terms of what you have to offer.

Best advice I ever got was "learn to suffer fools gladly". I interpret that to mean don't judge and critisize others just be thankful you are not like them.

All the best to you.

<small>[ June 16, 2003, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]</small>

HP-

You sound so strong. Girl, your life is just beginning.

I just want to say that you didn't destroy your marriage all by yourself. You are not guilty of that...It took two.

You are in a place now where the real healing will start. I have so much hope for you.

After readung what you wrote about the problems in your marriage, I can understand now, why your husband doesn't want to work on things. Honey, it's not about you. It's about him. Have you ever tried to look at this through his eyes?

Given the latest details, I can see that he really just wants for YOU to be happy. He knew that he couldn't please you. He understood that your needs were strong he was not capable of meeting them. I think that divorcing you was his way of setting you free so that you could find what YOU needed. I think that he loved you that much.

I also believe from the bottom of my heart that he does love you even now. I think that every time he receives one of your loving emails, it's a reminder to him of what he's lost. I think he doesn't answer because he is afraid that once he opens that door, he will agian not be able to meet those needs and it's scaring the HE!! out of him. He and you spent years trying to fix something and he's accepted that he is who he is. He believes that you will need someone else to fulfill those desires so he doesn't wish to go there...

OF course I could be full of bull, but somehow, I feel like this is closer to truth than fiction. Keep up the work on yourself. You're doing great!

Much Love to you...

H_P,

Hi, you sound well. It sounds like things are finally coming into focus for you. It wasn't long before my turning point that I was able to really analyze what had happened in my marriage. To see clearer what had happened for both of us. It was easier not to blame either of us, it just happened.

I somehow can see Kily's point. That your ex knew he couldn't give you what you wanted, needed. The affair probably enforced that in his mind. IF he will truly be happy in the life he has chosen, you are right, it is cruel to try to force your wishes on him. If it is meant to happen, it will, you still have your kids as a link. But don't dwell on the "could be's", concentrate on what you have and what you can do with it.

My ex, it will never happen. I know that now. I don't want it either. I know that is kind of silly to say when I know he doesn't want me, but it helps me to know that even if he came back I would not want to persue a relationship with him. I think he had the affair because something was wrong, something he couldn't face or fix. It was the perfect "out". I have to admit he was right something was wrong. I don't agree that it wasn't fixable. But it does take two. 1X0=0, 1X1=1.

Keep getting stronger. I have faith in you.

Sharon

H_P-

It's good to read that you're still truckin' down that path to recovery from the D! Though I'm sure there are moments of sadness and longing, sounds like the happy times are gaining on the sad for you. Kily's observation regarding the dynamics between you and your XH is very interesting and worth spending some time considering.

It really good to see that you're starting to accept that things may not work out as you'd hoped. I can relate because, as you might've guessed, I was open to a possible R with my XW post D too! What we think we want and what's best for our true happiness in the long run may be two different things though. I can also testify that there are lots of wonderful people out there, so living in the present instead of staying stuck in the past is the way to go HP. Good luck to you and yours...