I went away this weekend to my friends house and I had a very nice time without worrying or fighting with husband. He called me a couple times and left a few messages on my cell phone, but I didn't call him back with the help of my friend. He called up the 1st time and told me to call him, I didn't, then the 2nd message he was wondering why I didn't call him back and then at 4 am Sunday morning he left me a message that he knew where I was, he actually thought I was with the om I had an A with almost 2 years ago and he left a message that I better call him at his gf's house by 10am. I didn't call him. Why does he still have to be so controlling and why should he care if he is living with his gf?

<small>[ June 16, 2003, 02:19 AM: Message edited by: goldielocks109 ]</small>

Hi Goldielocks,

seems to me as if your H is having a difficult time mostly with the "Undigested" past.

Sounds as if he has alot of issues he has not dealed with.

I as a BS would no way be able to be in a relationship with anyone else until I have "dealed" with the pain of my H affair.

It's been 28 months since d-d and I can still say, the pain is getting better but I still have issues.

If I would of left my H and got involved with someone else, I would of been relieving my "pain" for awhile but it surely would of "busted" me when "reality" would of came into my life again.

It would of made me feel good at the beginning as all affairs do but due to the fact that I really "love" my H, it would of killed me to see that he would of "moved on with his life" instead of seeing him "suffer".

Therefore I believe that what your H is doing (living with an OW) is more for the revenge and more to "hurt you". I think he (unconcoiusly or maybe even concious) is using OW just to make himself feel good.

It's probably his way "dealing" with the pain that all BS feel.
But of course it's the wrong way and it makes the whole situation even worse.

Your H does sound "worried" and he's surely not "over with you" from what you have written. He sounds more as if he was trying to "punish" you and "hurt" you by "jumping into a new relationship".

This is never a good sign when someone goes into a new relatioship without working through past issues.It helps no one and is usually painfull for all that are involved. It might make your H feel good for awhile but the "pain of your affair" will always haunt him.

He probably is "jealous" and he's probably going "NUTS" right now.

just my thoughts......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

bb

blondblossom has mentioned some very likely possibilities. I'd also like to point out, as you seem to have already guessed by your subject, that it's got a lot to do with his controlling personality. You and I have talked before about how both of our H's have a controlling personality. It is likely driving him bonkers that you aren't jumping to speak to him whenever he bloody well pleases. Whenever I didn't answer my H's phone calls, it sent him into fits of insane numbers of phone calls, showing up at my place unannounced, and like you, accusing me of being with a boyfriend and that being why I wasn't answering. It's very hard for them to accept that maybe, just maybe, we've decided to distance ourselves from their madness.

At some point I'm betting you will end up in a conversation with him and he'll bring up the unanswered calls. If he asks again, I'd suggest you make your answer brief and truthful, "I was at a girlfriend's place." Then change the topic of the conversation!

Good for you for not answering those calls by the way! I'm sure it made your pleasant day better than if you had responded to the calls. (My bet is that OW was unable to dote on him at that time so he called you.)

Jen

I could be daft on this...wouldn't be the first time...but I don't see where the word control comes in to play here...

How is it controlling for him to call you?

To me it is the sign of someone who just wants you to continue to be part the triange...
keeps attempting to pull you in to give meaning to them...

that there is some gain in the WS being a "spouse" so that the WS and OP's actions have more ...?value?....more excitement??? more risk??? if they are always measurable against the BS and their response or even percieved response...

In other words the BS becomes the focus and number one topic of conversation between the infidels....

I wouldn't respond, or acknowledge at ALL...
I would go on with myself and childrens lives...and would do my best to be calm and in control with every contact...

any mention of him calling you I would babble back...yeah I don't think I did ever get around to calling you back....sheesh isn't that strange...

Give the repeatitive calls attention and it plays into their sick game of lets call goldie and tick her off..then you and I can sit back and baske in the glory of feeling like what we do is soooo important....maybe she will really put on a show and then we can talk for hours about what a bad person she is...

Cause what will they talk about if Goldie just becomes some non-entity to their sick game...what will they say...cause they might have to even start to look inwards and at eachother...and see thier own sick actions and words...
hmmmmmmmmm

gotta love voice mail...gotta love the fact we live in an imperfect world...goldie babble back...hmmm you left a message on MY phone...darn those gadgets...you know I did drop it once..wonder if that did something to it....bat eyes....did you ever drop your cell phone...did I ever tell you about the time I accidently dropped yours....

ARK

Controlling??? IMHP, yes. By not answering his calls and forcing him to leave messages (make sure this avenue is open) by e-mail, voicemail, snail mail, 3rd party, etc. You are NOT ignoring him just utilizing other communication avenues that reduce your pain.

Plain and simple as that. Keep viewing it that way. You want to respond to no messages? Send him an e-mail or send him a letter(becareful here). The other option is tell a 3rd party: 'U know, the WS keeps calling and hanging up, not sure why and (either mention you don't feel safe answering or leave the thought that he calls and hangs up with a question mark look on your face).

Now why is he doing this? Well you are the human and they are the aliens (of the A). Transformed into these mosquito like forms whose sole pleasure is to suck the life out of a BS for their own pleasure. Ark is right, the WS and OP usually spend a great amount of time talking about the BS in some cases. In fact these types of plan B tests bring that kind of issue to light. At least IMHO.

If that is the case in your situation, be careful. Tread wisely, take care of yourself and be safe.

take care,
L.

Ark, your comments are beautiful. You too, Orchid.

And boy do I get hurt and frustrated when I talk to him and it really sets me back and I just feel like I am no good.

Hm..... so you know what action is required to make you feel safe?

L.

Yes I do know what action to take, no contact with either 1 of them, because you know what even though I have made a couple of big mistakes I am remorsefull and I hate the fact that I hurt my H and my children and whoever else in the family. I am trying and maybe realizing that my H and his gf are blaming me for everything when I think they have to make me look bad because of waht they are doing now. My h's gf is trying to get his family to hate me or go against me. She told my H's sister in law that I made her lose 2 jobs which is not true and my sister in law told her I lost a job too after 7 years. She also told my h's sister that she is filing harrassement charges agaist me. Why does she think my IL's or SIL's have to know this or why would she even tell them?? She is trying to take my place in my h's family. I can admit that I did wrong and feel remorseful why can't my husband stop blaming me and telling me that if I didn't cheat on him it wouldn't be like this. Also, I asked him to watch our 2 boys, because I went back to work since my accident in December and he said you should have thought about that when you did what you did.