This is definately a funny group.

ALS, Kily, etc. respond to me with good advice and most of the time it is just what I need from here. I sometimes in a way forget that those same people offering up the good advice and support are in other posts hurting, asking for advice and support. I think the hardest part about all of this is the fact that we seem to want to fix at any cost our M's and soemtimes no matter what we do, it will not make a difference. We try different angles or principles to show our spouses just how much we want a loving M, yet somethings just don't work out the way we want.

As for Kily I would say, just continue being yourself and trying not to read into whatever your X does. Trying to figure out where he is with his thoughts is hopeless and will only make you crazy with your thoughts. Yes, I am calling the kettle black here, but none the less, it is still good advice.

Keep your head up and remember, maybe a new person will see this real you and sweep you off your feet.

K

I better hi tail it out of this thread. It's not good for a confirmed teetotaler to hang around where alcohol is present. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

VC--

Thanks. Sometimes you just have to step outside of your comfort zone. Today's the day for me.

Thanks for your words. Thay help a lot.

Mortarman, I haven't forgotten you...

Just got a bit side tracked.

CG- Come back! I'm going to need some Java soon... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MM-

Now that the silliness has passes, I will finally address your post. First, I just want to thank you for taking time out of your schedule to peek in on me. It means a lot to me.

Now-

Last week in church, the sermon was about this exact topic. Ironic how you brought the same points home to me. Obviously someone is trying to get me to pay attention. I remember sitting in the pew and thinking that this was how it has to be. I am supposed to trust in His plan for me and let go of my fear.

I've done this before, but usually when I'm so broken, I have no choice but to surrender the fight to him. It's true though. The minute you give it to God, change happens. I guess this is what I was getting to in one of my previous posts about fighting the call and then ending up in the same place with so much added pain and additional heartache.

Mortarman, I am trying so hard to be obedient. Most times I am, but I still get caught in that trap of feeling like I failed my DS. I was such an absentee mom for so long that I want to do things right for him and by him. I suppose in a way this whole situation has improved that because now I am 100% present when we are together. No complaints there.

This entire experience has led me to understand my faith and my self. This whole nightmare was to open me up to my spiritual side. You are completely correct when you say that this is a test of faith. It's practicing new behaviors that is the hard part.

The idea of recovery with X doesn't mean what it did when I first set out to do this. When I first started, i was desperate to restore what was. Today, I am grateful for what is. I don't need it. I don't want what was. I want what I envision as a partnership and will not settle for less.

I am capable of wishing him happiness with his GF if that is what he desires. I plan-a him because that is who I am, not because I expect anything.
I even offered to give them tickets to my company picnic because I can't go (local amusement park) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> How many X's can do this with a genuine sincerity? I know that Spacecase could....
The old Kily couldn't...

I've learned what real love is. If X can't see that and chooses to go a different path, then who am I to stop him? I don't need a man to be happy. I'm happy simply being me. Sure it would be nice to go to the movies, or to dinner, or get flowers, but I have you guys for support. I've been to movies alone and even bought myslef flowers and perfume (Thanks H_P I'm still enjoying the Samsara).

I guess I just wanted to know if he really does notice. I am curious how my changes a re viewed by him. I wonder if he sees the genuinie love that I feel towards him because he had given me so much.

Still Seeking is right, I don't need to do this. I can sit back and just watch the human interaction and learn something. Maybe he will too.

I'm okay and happy to help others.I;m grateful to those that try and help me.

Hugs
Now one quick question...I was reading on the divorcing board about situations where the X quizzes the kids about events in your life. They said that this is a red flag. I was just curious as to why it's a red flag. For me I think it's normal to be curious. Is there something I'm missing here?

I deliberately avoid the topic with DS altogether, but he freaked on me and complained that his father is constantly asking questions about me and my life. He was upset and said that he was tired and didn't want to be in the middle. I promised him that unless HE wanted to talk, I would not ask and I don't.

What is this dynamic all about and how should I deal with it?

Hi All-

Interesting weekend. Spent some time with X an Ds at the blood lab. Not looking for anything from X. Seems like I am growing more at peace with accepting things as they are. Discovered that X lied to me about a business trip - turns out they went to the virgin islands for a weekend.

Guess what, it only bothered me for a few minutes. What bothered me wasn't that he went, it was just the idea that he was traveling with someone now. When I always asked, I had to beg and he still didn't want to go. I guess that tells me that I am in a new place.

Then after a while, he started playing with DS. I watched and enjoyed the time as a family. It was fun and I was grateful to share that moment with them.

I asked how his parents were and he told me. I was sad to hear it, but his mother has been put on anti-D's. I found this really ironic because you all recall that I had a major experience with clinical depression.

I was sympathetic and expressed to him that I felt for him. My exact words were: "Wow that sucks. First you had to deal with my depression, and now you have to deal with hers." I told him that I would talk to her if she would let me. I reminded him that I knew how it felt to be that lost and not knowing that there's hope. I told him that if he had any questions, I would be happy to answer them if I could...

Sunday, when he picked Ds up, everything was upbeat and he seemed tired but happy. He actually made a joke towards me and referred to a past event that we had shared. I thought it was funny so I laughed and called him a silly a$$. It was fun. I just wish we could share more of these kinds of times together.

Some of my thoughts over the weekend were about God and how he influences our lives. I read somewhere - maybe on the forum - that God gives you your experiences so that you can learn something and apply it to the next challenges that you're faced with.

That thought haunted me a bit when I thought of X's mom's depression. I wondered if God had put me in his life so that he could learn what he needed to in order to deal with his mother in a more understanding manner. I thought that this would make sense if the above assumption is true. Then I wondered what type of healing he might have when having to deal with his mom's illness and relating it to what happened between him and I. I thought it might be God's way of getting X to see something he didn't want to before.

I know, divine questions that have no answers. Instinct and logic are telling me that it is the divine working though. Too many paralells for it not to be.

Anyway, I'm doing well and hope you all are too.

Kily,
I have found that He works in mysterious ways. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything has a purpose. Sometimes we recognize the reasons/purpose, sometimes not. The ones that we don't are missed opportunities; I fully believe in exploiting the ones that we do recognize to do His work and better someone else as well as ourselves. I am often reminded of the "Footprints" poem. In your darkest hour He has not abandoned you, He is carrying you.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Hi Kily.. been a little bit since I've been online again but caught up on your thread. It seems to me like you are finding the peace that only God can give. I hear how much stronger you are now even though pain and hurt can still bring you down it's not debilitating. I think we are a lot alike here. It's been almost 6 months for me and my seperation from Tim. You were one of the few who kept me focused on my pregnancy and taking care of the baby. I am soo glad for you that things are working out the way they are...more in email!

Patty