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It has been awhile since I last posted. Things have gone from bad to worse. WH and I agreed that he should move out since he has been sitting on the fence for the past year while I have been Plan Aing. He has been looking for an apartment for the past two weeks. Every one he sees has something wrong with it - too small, too expensive, too old, etc. In the meantime, he acts like he is living a bachelor life (coming and going as he pleases-no phone call to me or the kids) while I fulfill the role of his caretaker (laundry, meals, etc.) He gives no explanation to the children regarding his absences. I don't think he will ever leave. I have no legal recourse as my state does not have a legal separation. The only thing I can do is file for divorce and force him to leave, but then this is not what I want, plus he is not abandoning us which could bite me in the a$$ later on if it comes to that. He has withdrawn from me, the kids, our friends, and his family. I don't know what to do and feel like this torture will never end. I can't believe this is the same person I married. I also feel like the longer this goes on the less love I will feel for him if reconciliation is ever a prospect. Please help. M-19 yrs. 3 children-16, 12,10 me-43 WH-43 <small>[ June 19, 2003, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: patmik ]</small>
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Sounds to me like he has abandoned you. Looking for an apartment, and living like a bachelor? Not talking to the children. Did you seek any professional advice at all? Either legal or counsel services? That is what I would do.
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I would also advise looking into legal advice. Why are you acting as his caretaker??! Do the kids ask him what's going on? If so what does he say to them? What does he say he wants? Is he still involved in an A? Did either of you go to counseling. Sorry for all the questions but I am not familiar with your story.
This sounds pretty painful for you and your children!
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Patmik: It has been awhile since I last posted. Things have gone from bad to worse. WH and I agreed that he should move out since he has been sitting on the fence for the past year while I have been Plan Aing. He has been looking for an apartment for the past two weeks. Every one he sees has something wrong with it - too small, too expensive, too old, etc.
Orchid: You probably could say the same about him and a few more, right??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Patmik: In the meantime, he acts like he is living a bachelor life (coming and going as he pleases-no phone call to me or the kids) while I fulfill the role of his caretaker (laundry, meals, etc.) He gives no explanation to the children regarding his absences.
Orchid: How much longer do you think you can keep this up?
Patmik: I don't think he will ever leave.
Orchid: Ooooh he could, might provide relief for you and the children. Do you have an MC?
Patmik: I have no legal recourse as my state does not have a legal separation. The only thing I can do is file for divorce and force him to leave, but then this is not what I want, plus he is not abandoning us which could bite me in the a$$ later on if it comes to that. He has withdrawn from me, the kids, our friends, and his family. I don't know what to do and feel like this torture will never end. I can't believe this is the same person I married. I also feel like the longer this goes on the less love I will feel for him if reconciliation is ever a prospect.
Orchid: Well maybe not 100% legal recourse but you can clarify the stage making it so. You know Patmik, sometimes D or him moving out is needed so he can see how he is abusing his family by his cakewalk.
Patmik: Please help.
Orchid: Best advice is hook up with your MC (a good one). If you can talk with Steve or Jennifer. Check out plan B. How dependent are you and children on him?
take care, L.
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Thank you for the replies. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. For some reason I can log in to MB at work, but not at home.
WH would not go to counseling. I have been in counseling for several months. I spoke to Steve once and WH spoke to him once. Steve recommended Plan B. He said that WH has felt no consequences to his actions and needs to. WH then agreed to counseling, so I held off Plan B. We went once as a couple and he went twice individually. He then stopped. The A has been ongoing. The PA ended when I found out in August 02(or so he told me). The EA has been ongoing-they continue to speak on the phone and go out to dinner (sometimes with her 10 year old son!).
I am going to see a lawyer on Monday the 23rd to find out what my rights are and what my options are. I work full time, but teach so I won't have a steady income over the summer. However, we do have some savings.
Thanks for any input.
Pat
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I'm not sure how a counselor would magically get him to move out. Are you making things easy for him to live there? ie: cooking for him, cleaning up, etc? He sounds like a teenager who is just using you as a homebase while he parties on.
Personally, I would tell him that I need him out in a week. At the end of the week, I would pack his clothes, put them on the porch and change the locks. I wouldn't make things easy for him.
What he is doing is extremely cruel and destructive to you and your kids and that is where I would draw the line. And he will continue to do it as long as he is allowed since there is nothing stopping him. Obviously, he does not have yours or the childrens best interest in mind when he does this, so it is up to you to protect your best interests FROM his destructive behavior. <small>[ June 18, 2003, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>
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patmik,
If he won't leave, try an in-house Plan B. That means you STOP being his maid and caretaker and avoid anything more than the perfunctory contact. Why should he change???.....he has the best of both worlds...a wife who will care for him and the life of a bachelor. A year in Plan A is a surefire way of becoming a doormat. Stop doing the same thing and expecting different results. He won't change, so you must.
I'm so sorry this so difficult for you, but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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I had a similar situation in that my WW refused to engage in our relationship.... at the same time refused to leave the house. I had no other option than to go myself (which I could). We agreed to sell the house in a years time, when it's more convenient for her (she is studying). Maybe you can arrange something similar - put the house on the market, split the proceeds, you getting your own place (which is suitable for the kids too), and he gets the rest (whatever is left)? If he doesnt agree to that, then I'm afraid, divorce remains the only option to 'force' him.
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The reason I am still doing things for him is because I don't want to disrupt the kids lives any more than he has. They don't know the truth yet, if I suddenly stop cooking for him or doing his clothes - this will be a red flag for them and I want him to leave with them knowing that this is all his idea and nothing I have done to antagonize or punish him. I have stopped doing personal things for him - taking messages, calling, making small talk. We have minimal contact. I really don't want to sell the house. I want to keep the kids lives as stable as I can. They are all in school. My oldest will be a junior next year-not a good time to change school systems. There is no way in my area that I could afford to buy a house by myself or even to rent. We originally had a date of July 1st for him to leave as this would give the kids the summer to adjust-but it doesn't look as if that will happen. He is looking to stay on the fence though. I actually felt sorry for him yesterday. He kept asking if this is really what I want and I would only respond that this is his choice. I have been very clear lately on this. I hope I get more information from the attorney on Monday or that he finally finds something and leaves and I can begin Plan B. I don't know what else to do. Pat
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patmik,
Do you have an MC? Might be time to tell the children. They may know more than you know but not know how to tell you? If they do, having them have that pent up stress is not healthy for them either.
Another poster's 13 year old son told his mom that he was ok unless his 'social calendar' was affected (something like that) and that he would continue to talk to both parents (her WS wanted to introduce the OW to her son). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
JMHO, L.
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Well, he told me last night he found an apartment. It should be ready by July 1st. He is already making up excuses to not go that soon-he needs to paint, etc. I am going to tell him that he can live there while it is being painted. I have very mixed feelings- I go from sadness, to anger, to hurt and back again. I know this is for the best but I can't bear the thought of what this will do to the kids. He thinks that nothing much will change, he will still coach the kids, our friends will not react, we can remain "friendly", the family will accept it, etc. I cannot believe the denial and fog is so thick. God, is he is for a rude awakening. Pat
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