My wife left me Jan 2003 after 11 years do to my lack of attention towards her, time together and displays of affection. I worked too much and after a time I took her for granted and starved her emotionally. I understand and realize all of that now and am and have been working towards resolving those issues with counseling,soul seraching, self help books and sites like this. We have two children 5 and 3 years old.
She started speaking to a friend's brother a couple of months before she left about her feelings and of course he was right there to answer her needs and has been since. It started out as an EA but is now a PA by her own admissions. He has told her he loves her and wants to marry her.
The first month or so after she left I really didn't know how to react, hadn't found this site and others similar, and went about things the wrong way. She was very angry and resentful in the beginning but has since warmed. Eventually I started doing a pretty good Plan A for the last few months with a few slip ups of anger, judgements etc...We have had many, many emotional, soul searching conversations. At times she tells me she is confused, needs time and others she tells me to move on.
I have been receiving feedback from her friends since near the beginning about how she has periodic doubts about her descision(s), has had thoughts of reconciling, started her relationship too quickly with the OM and that he has controlling and possessive issues. They have had fights about it several times. She has also said that he has given her something that she never had, the meeting of her emtional needs. She always sought this from me but that I did not do a very good job of providing it.
As time has gone on, we have spent small amounts of time together, drinks, a couple dinners, and huggged, held hands, small peck kisses etc... Nothing sexual. I have expressed my love for her, acknowledged my mistakes, and told her my hopes and dreams for us again. She has said she never realized I felt as deeply for her as I do and would never have left if I had done this sooner.
I have pulled back from her several times, sort of a mini plan B (no letter) and her reaction has always been to call me after about a week with her emotions, telling me she needs time, is confused, that she was selfish in leaving but had to.
I did this again recently and the same thing happened and we talked for over 5 hours. She asked me how are we going to develop anything if we don't talk and that she wants to be on good terms and friends. She even said that maybe she is trying to have her cake and eat it too and being selfish expecting and wanting me to be there for her and her not for me. She told me that she is not sure what to do, that she sees my changes but is still afraid that they will not last. She told me that she is messed up and doesn't know what she is doing, that she may be making a mistake. She told me that a part of her does not want me to move on but that she cannot come back "right now" or "yet" and therefore she cannot hold me back. She said that she wants to give me 100% and she can't right now. I'm sure this is directly related to the OM being in her life. She told me that she feels like she is making a mistake, what a great guy and father I am. She said that she wishes that she had tried harder to explain to me what she needed before leaving. She even said that her boyfriend is a loser and has nothing but I guess the gift of gab is enough right now. She said that he has touched her emotionally. I suggested that maybe she not see anyone for a while to sort out her emotions and she agreed but did not think that she would do that. She plans on still seeing this guy.
However when she thinks that I am dating, her friends tell me she is very upset and concerned about ME finding closeness or intimacy with someone else.
Recently she was telling her friends that she had been thinking more about me,my changes, about coming back, about the good times we had and wonders what she is doing with her life. She has told her friends that I blow her away with the things I tell her. She said how maybe someday she will run into me and fall back IN love again and what is meant to be will be. She does say that she loves me now to me and her friends. I guess it is the old I love you but not IN love with you. She expresses fear to her friends that I may find and be with someone else.
I know this is along post but I wanted to get the background out there. I have posted before and usually do so as changes develop. I am trying to decide if now is the time to go to plan B or to move a little further forward in Plan A. My resolve is dwindling for plan A and the being the doormat, resentment feeling is starting to creep in. It seems as though Plan A has gotten me to this point but is this point far enough? My friends are not supportive and feel that I am wasting my time and should have moved on a long time ago. I need to support from those here who understand. All opinions welcome.

now what,

Here is a quote from Harley that is the best advice I can give you:

"When your spouse is trying to decide between you and the lover, it's time for Plan B."
...Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

Your wife is sitting on the fence...and indeed being a cake eater. I understand that you negelected her for years, but it sounds like she is beginning to see that you are capable of giving her what she needs....AND that the OM is not the prince charming that she thought he was. Make sure your Plan A is flawless...for a short time....no LBs AT ALL. Fill her ENs especially those ones for affection. Spend as much time with her as she will allow.....and then move to Plan B. Be encouraged! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Your wife needs to be jolted into realizing that if she continues her relationship with her looser boyfriend she will no longer be a part of your life.
Unfortunately, the only way this message can be conveyed is to stop all contact with her and show her that you are moving on. Any financial support, credit cards, joint accounts should be cancelled. Start legal action to get primary custody of your children.
You need to show her in no uncertain terms that you have had enough of this nonsense.

Now What:

WSes must have scripts that they read. Your WW is saying the exact same things that my WS has said. He wins the cake-eating prize. I agree with Star*fish regarding what you regretfully will probably need to do. PLAN A for as long as posssible to establish the good memories and then on to PLAN B.

Take Care. I know how hard this all is for you. You wish you could go back in time and change things but you can't.

Okay...here it goes...Plan B NOW!

the quote from the Dr. Harley above is exactly right. Your wife is right where mine was when I went to Plan B.

Your wife is confused right now...on the fence, as was mentioned before. everytime you pull back, she comes after you, trying to get you to wait a little longer. This is all from the WS script book. you have had a good Plan A, and your wife has seen the changes. Before damages can be done in her mind to her new view of you, I feel it is time you pull back.

Are the kids with her or you? In either case, when you go to Plan B, any contact between you and her should just be kid centered discussions. Or even better, use a middleman to exchange info and pass the kids back and forth.

Look up on here on how to do a Plan B letter. Check out the Harley's book, Surviving an Affair. Write your plan B letter, and post it here so we can help you streamline it. Then send it to her, and go dark!

When she thens tries to contact you or try to pursuade you to nbe the frosting on her cake, you will ignore that. In your letter, it will spell out what it will take to get your relationship back. Until those conditions are met, then it is no contact with you and the wife.

It will be tough...especially in the beginning. but understand one thing...while you have felt powerless through this whole affair, the power has now shifted back to you. As each day goes on, your confidence will build, just as her world continues to fall apart. She will miss you, and will remember the changes. She will remember what she is losing. she will try half-hearted attempts to get you to hang on her way. do not play her game...it will only continue the pain for both of you.

My wife and I are a living testimony to what Plan A and Plan B can do. Go back and read my threads...especially starting in December of this last year, when I went to Plan B. My wife is now home and we are in recovery

Good luck to you and keep posting. Some of us have been right where you are. and the odds are good that if you follow the plan, and stay patient, you may find your wife home sooner than you think.

In His arms

Thank you Mortarman....I agree 100%!!! I just love decisive men! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just be careful that you don't reach the point where you don't want the M anymore, for if that day comes, Plan A/Plan B will become a moot point. Remember that Plan A is not intended to become a lifestyle and staying in it for too long could very well end up costing you your marriage.

Plan B is to help you stop, or at least slow down, the draining of the love you have for your WW, so that if she does decide to end all contact with the OM forever and she is willing to commit to a marital plan of recovery following The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage and The Policy Of Joint Agreement you will have enough love for her to want marital recovery. If you think that life is tough during the time that the A is going on, it is many times tougher during the beginning stages of marital recovery and that is why Plan B is so important, because without any love left for your WW, you won't enough love left to endure the bumpy road of recovery.

Thanks for all of the replies and advice, I'll keep you posted.