Well, I guess it's been a while and about time for an update. My wife still wants it to work, and now I'm starting to come around. The first week or so I was in shock and not sure how I felt. The 2nd week I withdrew because we got in a fight and she withdrew. This past week or so I've started letting myself open up and express how I feel.

But, it seems like every time we take a step forward something new comes up and it throws us 2 steps back! Now it's things with me that keep coming up. Our fight was because I told her that I wasn't going to quit doing the things that helped make me happy (Going to see a friend of mine that owns a coffee shop, going to the gym, and my bike). She didn't like/understand that.

Then she checked my e-mail account and didn't like the way I told a mutual friend that we were going to work it out. So, she was off limits, no telephone, no e-mail, no contact. NO PROBLEM.

Then the cell phone bill came. She saw that I had called a girl from the coffee shop a few times and was IRATE! I had told her about the girl, that we met for coffee occasionally, were at the same bike rally, she had asked me out, I had declined, etc. I honestly had forgotten that I had talked to her on the phone. Everything happened all at once, the girl, the reconcilliation, etc. I guess I got caught up in my own little fog of some sorts for a couple weeks.

Anyway, she asked me about the number, I threw out a couple of names of people I thought it could be, she said it wasn't. After I thought about it I realized who it was and told her. She said she knew because she had already talked to her. Then she started accusing me of things and left the house. I immediately called the girl to find out what it was that she said that got my wife so upset (she has a habbit of exaggerating things). She said she hadn't talked to her, only had a wrong number that day. She asked how things were going and I told her they were going very well, I told her that I had to called to see what she said that made my wife so upset, I appologized for bothering her and hung up.

When my wife got home I told her, she became IRATE again. Then this morning I stopped off to have coffee (normal) and she flipped out again!

It just seems like I can't get ahead here.

TM-

You need to protect your Wife. She is insecure and has every right to be so. Either offer to take her to the coffee shop with you, or find another coffee shop. Is your Marriage worth this friendship?

JMHO-

Glad to hear otherwise...

Hugs.

TM,

Good to hear from you. Both of us went into recovery at the same time. And it seems that you and I are suffering through the same problems in recovery.

Kily is EXACTLY right! Your wife is feeling unsafe...insecure. She has already run away once. Now, in its infancy, the recovery phase is a very dangerous place to be. both are beginning to trust again, to open up. And then you show that there MIGHT be things that she didnt know that should concern her. While they may not be valid, it really doesnt matter does it? Perception is reality.

For now, the first thing the Harleys' say is in recovery, we must make the other feel safe first, and then meet ENs second. Your wife does not feel safe. That trip to the coffee house, while innocent to you (and used to be a great pickmeup during your hell), is now LBing her. You all have not built enough up in the love banks to weather things like this yet. Trust has not been built. If you do not take extraordinary precautions to protect your wife, she may "snap" and fall away again.

Now is not the time to be right. Now is the time to protect your wife, at all costs!

In His arms.

TM - It's like your da##ed if you do and da##ed if you don't!!!!

I'm glad to hear you are becoming a normal recovering family!!

I would also like to suggest that maybe you take your wife to the gym with you or else, find some way to exercise that includes your wife. I like to do aerobics and walk but my H doesn't like or have the time for either. I gave up my walking partner for more time to spend with my H but in turn ended up giving up exercise altogher! I don't suggest that, but if you try to find something you can both tolerate maybe it'll work for you.

Anyway - I truly am glad your life is turning around. You never know what's around the next corner in Recovery.

Keep up the hard work, though.
DB

WOW. Thank you all for your quick responses.

Kily,
No friendship is worth my marriage. With that in mind I have told her I will no longer go to the coffee shop unless she goes with me. I have asked her to go with me at least once a week so I can continue to see my friend.

Mortarman,
Wow, have I been thinking about you a lot lately. Maybe it's just me, but it seems that I am walking directly you in your shoes. Actually, it seems like I'm in your shoes with you! Can't believe the coincidences between our situations. Yes, I know perception is reality, that is part of the reason I told her about the coffee shop. Now, her feeling safe with me has been a HUGE bust for us. In fact, it was a MAJOR factor in the beginning of all of this. Any suggestions on how to overcome this? I am clueless here.

DB,
I've asked her to come to the gym with me, but she says it's full of guys and she doesn't want to go. If I had the equipment (or money) I would gladly work out at home, but unfortunately I don't. I can't just quit going all together, I'd turn into a big fat desk jocky!! (And who wants to be married to a big fat desk jocky anyway?!?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks again folks, Good Luck and God Bless to each of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it's full of guys </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">..well, if it's full of guys, I guess she doesn't have too much to worry about then!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was going to say the same as kily, so I'l just back her up.

The rules are care, protection, no love busting, and time together.

" You know W, I have been going about this wrong. I was thinking that this girl is no threat to our marriage, so contact wasn't a big deal. I realize I wasn't taking your feelings into consideration. Since your feelings are important to me, lets talk about how I can help you feel safe with the things I am doing. What do you need from me so that you won't have to worry?"

If you love her, and want to spend your life with her, her feelings have to count. Are her feelings silly? We big strong guys can give a little for the gals we love - and protect their feelings a little bit even when we think it's silly. They are different for a reason, and you like most of those diffeences.

Well, I started this about two hours ago and then my offce filled with appointments. By now you have lots of input about this, but what the heck, I'll let it stand.

Tell us how you feel, I mean, are you happy yet? Is life wonderful? Do you smile all the time and people ask what you're up to?

Just taking your temp.

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Thanks again folks, Good Luck and God Bless to each of you."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive Elvis has left the building. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

DB,
You would think wouldn't you?!?!

SS,
You are absolutely right. I hadn't thought about approaching it that way, but I did do something similar to that yesterday in an e-mail exchange.

As far as my "temp". The past few days have become increasingly great! I feel like I am back in love with my wife again. I don't remember the last time I felt like this, I just want to spend all of my time with her, and when we're apart I miss her.

I have been fighting these feelings back for the past few weeks because I was afraid of being hurt again. But, now I realize that if I don't step a little further out on that limb that I WILL get hurt again, and I won't be as happy as I could be.

This is just so awesome that it brings tears to my eyes. But I'm a girl.....and that makes me different...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TM,

This is great! I also am beginning to drop my walls, to allow more trust with her. We still have our issues, and I will post soon with an update. But I agree...I can feel my love for her coming back.

I know it will be a long haul back. But the feelings I am starting to have for her again make it seem like the struggle will all be worth it.

Keep on keeping on!

In His arms.

DB,
Thank you for your tears! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MM,
I too know that this will be a long hard road back. But, your right. This little bit of feeling makes it all worth while! I know we still have many issues to work out, we haven't even started. But for now I will settle for this and know that it will get worse again, but each time it gets better it gets better!

Good Luck and God Bless