i have posted before about having feelings for my doctor. that has since been resolved and i am over that. since then, my marriage has been deterioting rapidly. i honestly dont think i love my husband anymore. as far as emotional needs, i get none of what i need from him. yes he is a good father and provider but that is where it stops. he get mad if i dont want to be romantic everyday, yells about little dumb things to starts fights last night it was because i didnt shut the garage door. he gets over it and expects me to just be totally forgiving and at his beck and call. i dont remember the last time we held hands, walked arm in arm without the intent of him wanting sex. i need the closeness but not always ending with sex.
about 8 weeks ago i befriended a co worker that i have known for 7 years. he is in a very unhappy marriage (this a surprise to me) he is always so upbeat at work. we met for lunch and talked. i find myself falling in love with him. he likes to hold hands, walk in the park, gently touch my face and kiss me, everything i am lacking in my own marriage. he buys me gifts, perfume, a pretty blouse, calls me just because, sents emails to me. i have always been attracted to him somewhat since i have known him, he seemed like such a wonderful person. i always talked to him whenever we saw each other. i dont know what happened in the conversation 8 weeks ago to lead to my having an affair with him. it was my idea for the affair to lead sexually. he was unsure and didnt want me to get hurt.
i know this is wrong but it feels so right now. i get that feeling in my heart when i see him and i so look forward to when i can see him next. tomorrow he wants to meet and ride bikes. everything my husband wont do.
someone please help me. i dont want to stay in my marriage if i am going to be critizied and be unhappy. can anyone tell me how divorce works, we have a farm that we are paying for, would i have to take over half of the debt? we also have four children, 17,16 4 and 3
thanks to anyone who can help me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

This is what, your second affair?

Your first affair was your H's friend and later you almost fell in love with your doctor?

Your BH has issues, but yours are nothing to sweep under the rug either. Have you considered individual counseling?

Confused,
May I just ask a question??? What are you doing on marriage builders if you are continuing to have affairs and looking to divorce your husband.
This site is for people who want to work on their marriage.... I think I would feel differently if you were trying to work on your M like many other WS but that is not the feeling I get from you.

I have great respect for the FWS here to hear their feelings, but as a betrayed spouse it really tears at me to see what your writing.
SH01

confused,

Do you think there is ANYTHING bad enough that you could say about your husband that could be worse to us here than what you have revealed about yourself??? Work on your marriage....or don't...but please don't come here to tell us about your extramarital affairs like there is any chance in hell that we will validate your reasons for doing them. Your lack of remorse sickens me. If you want to work your marriage....come here...if you want to cheat on your husband get a divorce...go to an attorney.

Hmmm tough crowd ain't it.

You know everyone is perfect when you first start dating them.....bet your husband thought you and he were a perfect match...you must have too because you married him.

Problem is nobody is perfect....especially a guy that will cheat on his wife. The OM is perfect because you two only see each other for a limited amount of time and only when both of you want to see each other.....have you ever been around him when you forgot to put the garage door up?....see what I mean?

You need to understand fantasy and reality are two different things...including the fantasy world you are now in with the other man.

Have you talked to your husband and told him why you are unhappy? Or do you expect him to just know what you need?

You are playing a dangerous game not only for yourself but your kids,your spouse, his spouse and his kids if he has any. Thats alot of lives to risk destroying without giving things a very serious thinking over.

Good luck but seriously you might want to try out the divorced forum if you are convinced you don't want to be married.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">can anyone tell me how divorce works, we have a farm that we are paying for, would i have to take over half of the debt? we also have four children, 17,16 4 and 3
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Geez...

Interpretation:

Is there anyway I can be unfaithful, DV, and still come out smelling like a rose?

Ok everybody....Flame me if you must...I ain't been tweaked like this in a long time.....

HCII

As TMCM mentioned, please do go for some individual counselling. You seem to be very prone to jumping at the chance to receive attention from men other than your H, and it's all a little to easy how you fall into affairs.

You may be seeking the acceptance you never had when you were younger, or something similar. I'm betting your H made you feel appreciated and accepted early on in your relationship with him.

Affairs are destructive and result in heaps of pain for all those involved, take it from someone who's been there honey. It feels kind of good at the time, but the costs and risks are too high.

Imagine never being held in your H's arms again. Imagine never spending Christmas or any other holiday together as a family ever again. Imagine your inlaws knowing everything and forever looking down upon you. Imagine running the risk of losing custody of your kids. Imagine losing some or all of your friends when your affair gets out, and having your friends choose you or your H. Imagine moving out of the house you call home on your own, perhaps with or without the kids. Imagine ending up alone, without your H or OM. Imagine living the rest of your life knowing you've broken your H's heart, OM's wife's heart, not to mention the hearts of your children, who would've liked nothing more than to grow up in the same home as both their parents. I'm dead serious, all of that is a very real possibility if you continue with your affair, no matter how good OM may make you feel.

And yes, this is a marriage BUILDING site. If you want to throw caution to the wind and continue your affair, you will not find support here. We've all seen first hand how destructive an affair can be and would hate to see anyone else go through the same pain.

Please consider everyone's posts carefully and don't disregard them b/c they don't say what you want to hear.

Jen

Confused, very appropriate name!
If your H is not doing the things you need, it's time to get counseling and set down and talk with him about your needs!
Get out of the Affair first! You are only bringing more damage down on your head and confusion!
Whatever love you had for your H in beginning is still there hidden under all that fantasy land you're in!
We all forget to do things as the years go by. We have added stresses, bills, children and many things to distract us. But we also fall into taking each other for granted and forget to date and do the romantic things we were attracted to at first.
What are you doing to help your H meet your needs? And what are you doing to meet his needs?
When you start to work from this angle, you will find changes happening in you both!
Have you read His Needs/ Her needs? If not, do so and get your H to read it.
You had an Affair with H best friend? Then you loved your doctor? now you love this man?
I think you're working with an unstable mind at best. Don't take that as a slam, but somewhere you have this need to keep conquering men like adding to a collection.
The MM you are with now must have some faults or he wouldn't be divorcing! Try talking to his wife to find out what his portion of blame is.
You might find out he neglected her the way you say your H neglects you!
It's a well known fact that cheaters do things they wouldn't do later or for spouse. It's a game they play! Turn on the romance, good guy image, make wife look like sour dough.
They always play the act wife doesn't understand me or is cold or *****y or something wrong with her.
They forget to tell you what their problem is. I can guarantee you that what you see is not what you'll get!
I know because my H blew smoke at other woman big time. Did all the things to meet her emotional needs while he'd been neglecting mine for long time!
And she thought it was so wonderful because her H had not been meeting her needs!
Now my H is doing all the right things since the A ended. It ended the moment I found out!
He had lied to her as much as me. She didn't know what I'd lived with for years of a man coming home, tired all time, no intimacy hardly at all, TV was his world.
But with her he seemed to be the ideal attention giver. LOL
She had no idea! Nor did he have any idea who she was. After talking to her H he felt relieved to be getting rid of her!So she must be great to live with.
Well, both marriages are back together and working out. Or at least I know ours is, theirs is their business. I couldn't care less.
You can rekindle the love you had in your marriage but only if you both start working on it and you quit hunting all the time.
You need therapy to understand yourself. Because I could bet you would go be with this man, and in short while you'd find something wrong and be in love with someone else.
Sheesh, this is long. but I just see such a crazy mistake and even if your H needs counseling, you definitely need help!
Otherwise, you're going to wind up just bed hopping one after another.
You refuse your H sex, but you instigate it with this other man? Get real! You're just tired of the same man and want the new thrill. Get it with your own husband!
And be careful about this man divorcing. Let me say OW in my marriage was married also. Neither were getting divorced though they told each other they were.
And if she'd lived near us, you don't want to know what would have been done to her. She's fortunate to be states away!
Her selfishness, ego and trying to get my H to steal all our assets from 29 yrs?
Like I said, be careful.You don't want to meet up with a betrayed spouse like me.
We aren't all stupid, nor are we all going to sit still and take it on the chin. Not me!
OW had the privilege of a little talk from me on phone and she's probably still shaking in her shoes or pants!
You never know who we know, or our connections. My family is very big time with groups that would take one phone call. So you may not be so happy if your A is found out by his Wife.
I don't have to worry about it anymore. My H is here, we're happy and our marriage is going great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Lou