My husband and I have both been reading the articles on this site, and the messages and find them helpful but I need some perspective on our particular situation.

We've been together since high school. H was my first, and last, real boyfriend. We dated through most of my high school years, which was a long distance relationship since he was in the military. We got married in college and had a great marriage. Now he's back in the military (not by choice--he had to finish his "time"). He's just finished a loooong deployment, and...well, I'm sure you've guessed by now, I had an affair while he was gone. Both emotional and physical.

We've both agreed we're willing to work on our marriage, and we've done the things we're supposed to do. My concern is whether we should be focusing on saving this marriage, or if we need to let go. I'm just not sure it has a chance of survival, and will trying just drag out the pain? We're young (24 and 25) and the main problem is the conflict of life paths. His military career has required me to sacrifice a lot, and even though he doesn't plan to stay in longer than he has to, I'll have to make more sacrifices in the meantime.

Aside from that, there's the fact that the military makes it impossible for him to meet my needs. That sounds awful, but being married to someone in the military means you get all the loneliness of being single, without the freedom to fix it. Not to mention the trust issues now. And the steps to recovery will be nearly impossible to meet. I read that people recovering from infedility shouldn't spend nights apart--we spend nights apart once or twice a week when he's home, and for months apart when he's away. And the part about spending 15 hours a week together is almost as unrealistic.

Right now, we're still trying to save our marriage, but I think we're both wondering if this is affair was just the beginning of the end. Like I said, we're doing the things on the site and we'll start seeing a counselor later in the week, but I'd like some perspective from others with experience or knowledge of situations like this.

Thanks for your help!

Grace,

You know I read your post and I wonder if you are out of withdrawal from the OM yet.

You seem to feel that the affair was the militaries fault, perhaps your H's fault, but not your fault. If he had been around you wouldn't have had an affair is what I am hearing. Is that true?

I also notice that the length of your relationship with your H doesn't seem to mean much to you right now. It is sort of "Ho Hum, do we stay or don't we? I am not sure it is worth the pain. Plus if he leaves I would probably/maybe do it again."

You act as if you have no control in your life. You act as if your H is supposed to make you happy or perhaps some other man. It is you that has to make you happy. Would you have an affair if your H was seriously injured and couldn't MEET YOUR NEEDS?

I am asking where your moral compass is pointing right now. I am asking if you feel much remorse for what you did. I am asking if you think that a marriage doesn't have flat spots and yes periods of separation.

I grew up in the military, and spent time on active duty myself. Most bases and such have activities for the spouses and families. They know it is hard to be separated and that temptation is present, so they offer many services to help stop that. Did you use any of these services?

I guess my advice is contingent on what your answers are. Where you are in this.

What does your H think about this? How has he recovered from you having the affair?

This stuff takes time to recover from, but it also takes commitment and effort. Marriage isn't just I'll hang in there until things get tough and then find someone else to keep me happy.

I think you know these things, but I am not sure you buy into it.

So please post and give us a bit more to work with.The short answer is yes your marriage can work, and trust can be restored. IF YOU ARE READY TO DO THE WORK AND MAKE THE COMMITMENT.

I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

My husband isn't in the military, but he's in the oilfield...and it's pretty similar in many ways....especially time apart. I've been married 20 years, and survived two affairs (his), but what matters really.....is can YOU survive? If you want your marriage, if you are truly committed to your marriage...Yes...you can survive and flourish. If you don't love your husband enough to be able to wait out the few years he has left...then end it now and be honorable and fair. Youth and separation are no excuse for forsaking your vows. You are lucky to find a husband who is willing to offer you forgiveness and willingness to move on. What can you offer him? What are you willing to offer him? Be honest. Only you know the answer to these questions. Welcome to the forum....if you do decide to rebuild your marriage....you can find so much support here. Good luck.

Grace,

Pay very close attention to what Just Learning has just posted to you. Read, and re-read if necessary in order to gain his perspective on this. If there is one person on this board (and there are MANY wise ones) that can give some valuable insight, JL is the one.

A couple of points that I would like to add are these:

You said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His military career has required me to sacrifice a lot, and even though he doesn't plan to stay in longer than he has to, I'll have to make more sacrifices in the meantime </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about your H? Do you think that he is making sacrifices equal to yours? Hey...If you are apart due to his service, don't you think that he is sacrificing as well?

Also:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> there's the fact that the military makes it impossible for him to meet my needs. That sounds awful, but being married to someone in the military means you get all the loneliness of being single, without the freedom to fix it</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll bet that you aren't meeting his needs, either. I will bet that he feels the same loneliness. But...now he ALSO has other aspects of his deployment that troubles him.

You see, not only are HIS needs not being met, HIS loneliness to deal with, he also has to deal with the question in his mind of whether or not you are going to be there for him when he returns.

If he is like me, not only did he suffer through what his being away caused him to sacrifice, he also placed upon himself during that time the suffering that YOU felt.

I can remember a time when I was still married to the XW where I had to work very long hours. Hey...I didn't WANT to, but I wasn't in a position of authority that was high enough to call the shots where I was employed. It literally KILLED me to be away from the XW for long periods, but it hurt me more to know that I was taking from her what SHE wanted.

Damn...there is NO worse feeling in the world to know that you are desperately wanting to take someone's pain, and ease their despair, only to find that they are using their own methods.

And methods that DON'T include you.

Look at it this way...Your H isn't deployed simply to be away from you. That is just the way it is.

There are MULTITUDES of ways to meet each others needs. Even when you are physically apart for times. I have learned that much through my recent DV, and what I have learned here. You just gotta determine if it is worth the extra work.

The funny thing is, when you feel that it IS worth the work, it won't seem like work at all, and will actually take very little effort.

That is basically all you have to decide. Is it worth it? If you think so, the job will be half completed.

HCII