I feel like such a rotten person right now. My H called me like 9 times Mon. night, a few times last night, and again already tonight. I am not answering the phone b/c what's to talk about if he's about to be served w/ Dv papers? He just left a message saying, "It's just me wondering why you're not returning my calls." No angry voice, no holier-than-thou tone, just genuine confusion.

I pray to God that I haven't done the wrong thing here. This hurts so much, being unable to talk to the man that I loved so much for so many years, who was my entire world.

I just wish I could go back in time and not destroy what we once had, treat it with more care and protection, not have friends of the opposite sex, not drink to excess, not forsake my marriage vows.

My rational side knows all the very logical reasons why I filed for Dv, but it hurts so much to shut him out of my life.

If any of those of you that have started threads saying you're in an affair right now or contemplating one are reading this, end it or don't do it. It's not worth it. It will turn your world upsidedown and destroy the marriage you once had. If you are unhappy in your own M, talk to your spouse about it, go for MC, do something constructive rather than destructive. Please learn something from my pain and anguish so it's not all for naught.

Thanks for reading my depressed little vent. It's hurting again tonight. I'm quite lonely. I'm so busy putting on a strong front at work and with most of my friends and family, it's exhausting. Here I come home and sort of fall apart. I'm glad I at least can talk to my MB friends about how I'm really feeling.

Jen:teary:

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Hang in there Jen we are all pulling for you regardless of what the final outcome turns out to be.

Thanks s_d...

I guess the other thing that is really bothering me and just won't seem to stop popping up in front of my eyes today are posts discussing how God hates divorce.....

So if He hates divorce, I am supposed to go on this way forever??

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Jen,
Something I've learned along my life path is that when I must make big decisions, I need to make sure I have no misgivings, especially when the decision effects more than just me. I have found that, for me, if a decision is the right one I don't have to analyze and reanalyze it, there is no need to, for I am at peace with it and no longer have questions filling up my thoughts.

Okay, it's time for some radical honesty here. Get your 2x4s ready I guess.

When my H showed up here on Sat. last week, I didn't just push him out the door. I gave in to his advances and my own physical needs. We did have sex. But before we did I said to him, okay, I will, if you agree to spend some non-sexual time with me later this week. He said he could agree to that. After sex, we sat and sort of talked, well, mostly I rambled and he sat silently drinking his drink. Then just before he left I asked about getting together (assuming he'd really keep his deal), and he said, well, sex lasted x number of minutes, I just spent x number of minutes with you, so I guess we're even. I shook my head and laughed it off, we kissed goodbye and he left.

Then evil, misrepresenting Jen went to her scheduled lawyer appt. on Monday and told her lawyer to go ahead with filing the papers.

Which brings us to tonight, and call #2. Message was: "It's getting kind of hard to keep my deal of spending non-sexual time with you if you're not answering or returning my calls. Who knows, maybe someone is sick and you're out of town and I don't know it but, well that's it I guess, bye."

What have I done? Have I opened one door with my sexual manipulation only to slam it shut with filing for Dv?

I am a rotten and manipulative person to a degree this week, that's for sure.

Divorce is wrong, we should work on our M.

But what if he's just going to continue with more of the same unchanged treatment of me?

I dug myself a serious hole here today. Today the letter was mailed and there's no way of stopping it. I don't even know if I should if I could.

I would've put off filing for Dv if I wasn't so worried my H would leave town after June 27 b/c that's when our summer holidays begin. I could've tried spending time with him this week.

Now I've made a mess.

HELP!

Do I dare to call him back? So many people have told me not to talk to him at all anymore...

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

My heart's in my throat right now, my chest feels all tight, I feel like I've gone and made a decision that's about as intelligent as choosing to sleep with my H's best friend last year by rushing and filing for Dv. It seemed so logical and wise at the time....but when I hear his calm tone of voice on the phone, and think that maybe he really was willing to meet me halfway and spend some non-sexual time with me....I feel sick inside.

I feel dirty and ashamed for having had sex with him on Sat. when I resolved that I wouldn't anymore.

I feel like an evil person for not answering the phone.

I feel like I maybe better not call him b/c I don't know what I'll say to him.

I wonder if I shouldn't phone my lawyer early in the AM and see if she perhaps hasn't mailed the letter yet...

I just want to disappear

Jen

Hmmm, more baby steps? Looks like you two were actually able to negotiate a win/win in something and now he's following through on HIS part? Imagine that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jen,
Come on, do expect God to come down here and make a personal appearance? He's in the small, still whisper inside you, not the masses telling you to give up. You're killing me!

Jen I have said this a number of times before. There is no reason you two cannot remarry if its meant to be.

He has left your for nearly a year.

He only contacts you for sexual reasons or to lash out at you.

He has dared you to divorce him.

He has refused to work on the marriage.

You were wrong NO DOUBT about it.

But you know that you did everything you could to try and get him to work on your marriage and the more you tried the more he went the other way.

I am NEVER a supporter of divorce. But unless you are blatantly lieing on this message board you have done all one person can do. It takes two.

I just wish that there was someway the two of you could have gone to marriage couseling together but given the fact he refuses to be seen in public with you I doubt that it can ever happen.

Let the papers come to him. And before they become final do some more soul searching based on what he does after getting the papers.

You can pull the plug on the divorce before it becomes final if you think that is best.

Jen, it's never too late. Can you ask lawyer to hold things? do not cancel per se because would cost you more money if you did decide to go through with it.
I haven't caught up here in a while, so i'm not up to date on your story. but if he's trying to talk to you, why not give it a chance and see what's in his mind?
You can always go through with divorce in the end if you need to. But rushing is not good decision making.
God bless, Lou

I finally got a hold of a friend on the phone and she talked me down from my pent up state.

While I was on the phone with her, he showed up here, I'm fairly certain. Three LONG buzzes on my buzzer.

For the moment, I'm just going to continue the no contact and let the papers go ahead.

I sincerely doubt he wants anything more than sex still.

And indeed, worst case scenario, we could always remarry.

I'm wondering if I should move in with a friend for the upcoming week.

Now he has somehow made his way up to my door and is knocking. I am afraid. I am not answering.

J

Jen I think you need to move in with a friend this is becoming a bit eery sounding.

I do think you need to keep the lines of communication open but in all honesty you need to end sexual activity unless you want him to believe you will use sex to get what you want...which will do nothing to give you any chance towards reconnecting.

Keep us posted.

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: LovingBoundaries ]</small>

I think he's left. Message #1 was long, he said he didn't know what he did wrong, he's trying to be nice here and spend time with me, he's spent the last 3 days calling me and I haven't called him so he obviously must've done something wrong, so whatever he did he is sorry, it's now my job to call him or not call him, make up my mind, bye. Message #2 was him saying he'd stay outside for another 5 minutes in case I changed my mind and wanted to talk to him, if not he'd be leaving.

I feel like it's either
a) go ahead with Dv, and no contact
or
b) remain in contact and try to stop Dv

I'm right back at feeling like going ahead with the Dv is the better option, but still feel like a bit of a sh@# for making a "deal" with him to get together this week and he finally tries to follow through on it (or so it appears, maybe he just wanted more sex), tries repeatedly to follow through on it, and I'm shutting him out.

Again to those folks posting here and considering affairs, you don't want any part of this rediculous kind of stuff. End your affair, or don't start one.

J

Okay, Lovingboundaries and mthrhbrd, how do I go about things now? Call him or go to him, and tell him to not open his mail? Suggestions?

I know I need to get back for some IC, and fast. I'm feeling like a completely irrational fool who can't make any important decisions by herself without messing up.

J

You can start by giving him the benefit of the doubt and answer his call. See what he's willing to give here. If the interaction is positive then you can procede with being HONEST with him. You can let him know how distraught you've been and how tired and hurt and lonely and that you were beginning to feel like divorce was the only option to find some peace.Then you might tell him about the attorney, and how ambivalent you are and how you want nothing more than the marriage to work.

I find it interesting that as soon as you start to get what you say you've wanted all along, you're first inclination is to run the other way.

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: LovingBoundaries ]</small>

Hello Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I need to get back for some IC, and fast. I'm feeling like a completely irrational fool who can't make any important decisions by herself without messing up.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GO FAST!!! Don't think!!! ACT... Are you into antideps?

Jeeeeez I have not been following all your story but each time I look into it there is alwasy the same twisted stuff about ur H manipulating you and you allowing it...

I must tell you. I admire your capacity of taking pain and live in hurt. Frankly I don't think I could live like that for a month! It really really would made me crazy.

Jen WAKE UP! Your H has not changed for a year! what makes you think the same actions are going to bring different reactions? that is naive!!!

Wow Jen I don't know what is the thing you are afraid to lose to keep at this game. Please beleive in yourself and your capabilities as a women and do not allow more abuse from him lady!
Care for you! Because in the end there is ONLY YOU!!!

Take GOOD care on YOU Jen

Well folks, I sucked it up and called him back late last night. We are meeting for supper today, a dinner date in public. When my lawyer's office opens I am going to give her a call and see if the letter was mailed. If not, I'll put a hold on it. When we go for dinner I'm betting it's wise to avoid R talk while we eat, and save the radical honesty for after dessert, and tell him that I filed for Dv, and what steps is he willing to take to save this M. For one, if he can't be open and honest with me about where he goes, what he does and with who, this won't work, and I need to make that clear to him. For example, he is going away again this weekend, and I want to know exactly who is going with him. Oh yeah, he said he doesn't want his family knowing we're in contact, that's why he's not big on going out in public, because he "just can't deal with their pressure" if they know we're in contact.

So, dinner it is, and I'll see about whether the letter is on its way. If I am completely honest with him, and tell him look, I am at the point where something either really needs to change, or I just want to move on with my life, I can't live in limbo anymore. So that's why I filed for Dv. If that's going to make him so mad he wants nothing more to do with me, then I've done what I can.

I realized something wierd last night when he and I were talking and he was telling me that playing hard to get just wasn't working, that it was making him upset. I had glimpsed somebody's post about a list of behaviours that go with a full 180, like those described on divorcebusting.com. I'm following through on almost all of those behaviours now, not because I'm putting on an act, but because I'm just about at wits end with this. So maybe it does work?

A good night's sleep does wonders for my sanity I must say. I'm much calmer today. It helps so much to have a plan of action. (1. call lawyer, see what I can do, 2. dinner, with radical honesty after dessert.)

Jen

Jen,

I&#8217;ve been following your posts but I don&#8217;t post much because mostly I feel you get awesome advice from others and don&#8217;t need anymore. Over the last year I have been going through a lot of the same things as you only my H and I haven&#8217;t lived apart and we have two kids. Sometimes I feel that is harder because we live in the same house like strangers and many times I have felt that if we lived apart for awhile things might get better. Who knows. Things at my house are getting a little better.

Anyway, enough about me. I felt compelled to write to you today, I don&#8217;t know why.

I have truly felt your pain over the last year and even though I don&#8217;t believe in divorce either, last week I felt that you should file. Now after hearing of your H calling and leaving nicer messages and then inviting you to dinner out in public (huge step for him) I am feeling different. I agree with your plan. Please just be honest with him and tell him that you did file for D because it&#8217;s too painful for him not to spend non-sexual time with you. You want more. You want a real relationship with him. You want your M, but you can&#8217;t go on the way it&#8217;s been.

You and your H are a lot like us. Both my H and I have hurt each other in the past with being unfaithful in different ways. I am ready for us to both accept that we can&#8217;t change the past but we can bond together and make our future brighter. We are smarter, stronger and have learned a lot about us and our marriage. I think you feel the same way about the two of you. Hopefully he will come around to that fact, too.

Be strong. You will be ok.

___
I'm the FWW

Any advice for how to let the conversation go at dinner tonight????

That's what's on my mind now.

I need for him to
- tell me exactly what he's willing to do to work at saving our M (my bet is he'll stick to his, "I don't know" line though)
- tell me he's willing to spend non-sexual time with me regularly
- be open and honest with me about who he spends his time with
- tell me that he cares enough to get his two EA women out of his life.

If things don't go well at dinner, part of me wonders if I shouldn't keep the whole filing for Dv stuff to myself.

Please let me know what suggestions any of you may have about how I should guide the conversation over dinner!!

J