I'd like to ask you some stuff about my WH. It seems like my situation is more "weird" than anything I've ever seen on these boards!

Do you object to emailing me on my personal account?

If so, I understand..........

Not at all, although it might be helpful to lay it all out here. While I am going through all of this, I am by far not an expert. I leave that to the Harleys. But if I can help, then sure.

So, either here or by email is fine.

MM,

A lot of it IS "laid out here." It's all just so dam* weird, I just don't think I "fit" in any "scenario" that has been discussed. Most poeple never had any answers for me when it was new........so I quit asking........

Sometimes I think "it's just too over-the-top weird"!

H left one day, just UP AND LEFT. I knew NOTHING! Yeah, sure, turns out later that he moved straight in w/ow.....BUT I believed then, and I still believe now that there wasn't much of a R before that time.

Do I believe there was EA? Not sure. Do I think there was PA? Hmmmm, maybe just one time. In fact, I think I can pinpoint EXACTLY when that happened. H used to travel for work......then got laid off. I think he had started "seeing her" before he got laid off, maybe went into "withdrawal" ?? About a month and half later, he found an excuse why he had to go to other (her) city (200 mi away) once, and stay overnight. A different H came home after that. I could see it in his demeanor......that was really the D-Day....I just didn't know it.

BTW - after he left and I found out about ow, I scoured the phone logs I had.......I could only find ONE call to HER from him, and only a minute at that......that seemed weird to me. It seemed as if she pursued HIM!

Well, trying to shorten the story....when H left, div. papers were already filed and mailed to me........I "fought" it, delayed it, discovered MB, tried Plan A (although he never called or came around}. It had no impact.

So he is totally GONE. Always has been......since the day he left. NEVER looked back, or thought about trying, or wanted to. He's only been to our city twice. Once for mediation, second time to sign/pick up div. papers when div was granted by judge (also had to pick up some personal items he requested from the house.)

NEVER calls.......never did. Left ALL his clothes here (except his underwear) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Didn't want anything, didn't want to DO anything for me (never did, still doesn't). Didn't respond to Plan A.........that's why I never did a Plan B.

I guess what I'm asking YOU is.....would YOU hold out any hope that this A will "act" like the "normal" (WHAT IS NORMAL?) ones we see here, or read about in SAA? WHAT possible chance is there in this sitch that he will "come out of the fog" - since he "lined up all his ducks" before he left.....a carefully thought-out plan.

Never sounded like "fog" to me............

mk91upo@strato.net

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

Tough one, Lupolady! I really am not sure this can be answered with any certitude.

First off, ALL fog talk is serious. They mean business. They really do. Ask Marathonman.

Second, the odds are always against the WS in finding a lasting love with their OP.

That being said...some people actually beat the odds and make it. But studies show, even those relationships are handicapped. The reason is that the person left a relationship, went straight into another relationship, without getting their stuff together. Your WH appears to be a prime candidate for this.

Now, he preplanned his exit. So did my wife. But she never filed. In his case, it sounds like he is an escapist. And is running from everything, too afraid to look back at the destruction he has caused. Better to keep running.

The problem is...he isnt running from you. He is running from himself. And he is running from God. And neither of these people will he be able to outrun.

In the end, he will grow tired (that is why Plan B usually works...because the spouse is left alone in their mess). When will your husband grow tired? I really dont know. It depends on him and his circumstances. But believe me, the chickens will come home to roost.

Maybe it will be tomorrow. Maybe it will be three relationships from now. Hard to say. He has already beaten the odds up until now. So it may mean that you are well on with your life before he "gets it."

If that is the case, then it is best that you are rid of him anyway because even with the revelation, he probably isnt man enough to make things right.

If it isnt the case, then I think that he should have already started or reached the point where he is uncomfortable with his life choices.

I do not know your husband. You do. You need to evaluate him, his actions. You need to pray for direction from God.

Any way you go now, you wont be wrong. It may be time to do what is best for YOU. Even if that means that he misses the boat.

I have learned to never say never. So, the Lord can always make right. But it is time you begin your life and make the best decisions you can for you, in light of God's will. Let him take care of your husband.

I hope this helped. Please post more if I am off so maybe I can understand more!

In His arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong> the person left a relationship, went straight into another relationship, without getting their stuff together. Your WH appears to be a prime candidate for this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Totally agreed! I've never seen "growth" in inter- OR intra-personal relationships.....it's not his favorite thing to do (look inside and fix himself). I suspect there will be NO escape from this without it! I took this whole situation we went through as a MAJOR wake-up call from God on my (and hopefully someday his) life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> it sounds like he is an escapist. And is running from everything, too afraid to look back at the destruction he has caused. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh! Is so true. He has always run away. We RAN (together) many times. We ran from financial problems, we ran from (his) unhappiness - sometimes from a job situation, boredom in our lives, whatever it was, or whenever, or WHEREVER he wanted to run to, I ran with him! I allowed him to always run, and not stop, stay and fix things. Through this mess, GOD stopped ME, and fixed ME!!! No, I was never a 'runner' - but I allowed my H to take me along when he ran, justifying it, instead of us learning (together) to just stay and fix it.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is running from himself. And he is running from God. And neither of these people will he be able to outrun.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
I know this. I agree with this.
I know that THIS is where he has (always) "run" back to - for stability. Me. Our relationship. I haven't told this part of his personality to people on these boards, just cause I don't need to throw all his "stuff" out there and defame him, but my H was m'd twice before me......once was the woman he had his children with (HAD to marry her), the second time he m'd to find a "mother" for his son (He was awarded custody of his older s - wife abused the boy). BOTH relationships lasted less than 3-4 yrs!! He used to boast that we "made it" when he never could with anyone else......we were m'd 21 yrs..........

I guess that's why I "assumed" he'd never go anywhere......was partly MY fault he left. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I DID NOT meet all his EN's.......I took him for granted, cause, after 20+ yrs, I thought to myself "He'd never leave ME!!!!!!!!!"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> he probably isnt man enough to make things right. You need to pray for direction from God.... Let him take care of your husband.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe me, I have prayed for direction. I am always brought back to the "One flesh" thingy, since OUR M was a covenant before God - ONLY ONE I ever made, only one of his done in church. I am praying God will change this part of his personality into the Man of God he was meant to be! I do not believe God will allow him to continue running, continue ignoring God (his whole family has run from God for as long as I have known them.....all the while "professing" their "religion" and christianity). It's sad, really. It seems they were given the "gift" of being close to Godly people, and in a vibrant, living, evangelical church with good things happening all around them for many years, yet somehow they all MISSED IT, and only peripherally talked around it, or skirted their own (lack of) christianity the whole time. I did not know this about them until AFTER I married into the family! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I think that he should have already started or reached the point where he is uncomfortable with his life choices.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I have no way at this point of knowing if this is true. I PRAY it is! As I said before, he doesn't sound like it, he always sounds so calm, so SURE of himself, NO FOG talk.

But there's this: He is now working with and for his younger son. They have a closer relationship than ever. He moved into our home when he was 15 (his bro then moved in the next year at 18!!!). So for the ONLY time in their lives, his sons both lived under the same roof. This went on all through the rest of YS's teen years. It was a good time, It was a rough time.....but we survived. I like to think that *I* was responsible for salvaging those relationships when no one else thought it was important that he have R's with his sons. Well, trying to make a shortened version here: YS got into some stuff, life got hard, we fought with him, he left, there were some rocky years (WHEN is there ever not? With a teen-ager?). Things got evened out later on.....he is now happily M'd, and we used to visit on X-mas, etc. so you know, our relationship w/him was fine. Well, so H now works for him (SS has his own business), so H is very proud that they now have this *wonderful* close relationship (forgetting - OF COURSE - that's it's all b/c of MY HARD WORK). So what goes through my mind is that, "He'd never leave his son......look how "good" life is..........he and YS are making a wonderful business, GOOD $$$....."
You know, all the usual *lies* satan tells us about WHY the WS will never give up their new life. Life, WHAT "life choices" to give up?? This new life includes YS, and LIFE IS GRAND.

I talked to him about a month ago.....he called cause he thought something BAD had happened to OS, called me for SS# of the kid, so they could search on line. He sounded ok. He sounded "normal" (but he always has, all the way through this thing). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
BUT, his final comment to me was very weird......it was like he didn't know how to end our conversation. He finally said, "OK, well, I guess I'll probably be talking to you..........again..............sometime...........in the future."
I just responded, "OK, well, you take care of yourself, bye."
Then hung up and said to myself, "WHY???? WHY WOULD YOU TALK TO ME IN THE FUTURE SOMEDAY????? What could we possibly talk about? WHAT do we need to say to each other??? We have no children together, and NOTHING (technically) binding us together."
That was the closest he ever came to ME feeling like he was confused, or "spinning" or coming out of the fog. I thought that he was trying to make sure his "escape hatch" was still there.

Anyways, that's where we left it. I'm no closer to knowing what is going on in his head than I was 2 years ago......

All I know for sure is that God is NOT pleased with the choices this man is making in his life. But that's not my problem! Still, I do pray for him. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.

Thanks again, for your time and efforts in helping me understand, MM.

God Bless,

Oooops!

<small>[ June 21, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>