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Joined: Jul 2002
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Today, I am divorced (well the Nisi). 6 weeks and 1 day later the Absolute will follow. Today, X (gosh how that hurts rather than H) goes to Ireland with Shiney Head for a wedding, but hey they're not serious and they only got back from holiday last weekend (BTW it was to a Greek Island we had visited twice for our wedding anniversary). Well, at least he's had the decency to wait until we're DV'd to do anything really daft like moving in with her, although he says that it is not an option.

How do I know all these things? Last weekend we spoke for an hour and a half on the telephone - the first time we had spoken in three months. He agreed to the financial settlement I made him without argument or recrimination. He said "I trust you Lisa". He actually trusts me, now that is ironic!! I promised him I would not disclose the detail of our conversation to anyone - as a lot of you are aware, one of the things he found most painful was finding my e-mail communications between 2 friends about OM and the conversations I had with them. I respect his wishes, and in fact for the first time in a long time, I respect him.

The downside to our warm in-depth conversation, is the feeling of life running away from me. A sense of loss and love (yes still much love on both sides), but an absolute realisation that (on both sides too), DV was our only way forward. Kily you were right, I know he does still love me, and I guess I still love him, but we can't be together. I think perhaps that is more common than any of us know - sometimes Ms just can't be worked out, but there also has to be a willingness on both sides to try. I think in many ways H was right to leave when he did (although I sometimes still resent it) and I sometimes think he was right that it would never have worked. But why does it hurt?

The past few weeks have been very demanding for me in more ways than one. Work has kept me frantically busy, travelling around England extensively, trying to organise a charity ball, dealing with Solicitors and Financial Advisors, and just trying to get my head round the fact that I am divorced - it sounds so weird to say that, and sometimes I still can't stop referring to "My husband". Funny, he shared a story with me about meeting the Queen - it was so very funny, but he had wanted to share with me - why not others I wonder?!?!? You know the irony of life too, it is a year today since I last saw OM - strange coincidences, and I still think and feel for him, and then struggle with myself because I begin to dislike me, and generally, I've discovered that Lisa isn't so bad.

I have learnt so much by coming here to MB, at times my sanity in the early days was severely under strain, and I honestly believe that people here "saved" me. I learnt to be honest with myself, I learnt to look carefully at what was motivating me, I learnt how to hold my tongue and not just fly in without thinking (that is a big thing for me!!), I learnt that whilst I did a terrible thing (perhaps the most terrible thing I have ever done), I'm not a terrible person. And I learnt that there are some wonderful people out there in cyber land, who really don't know me, but feel like some of the best friends I've ever had.

Now when I come here and post about myself it feels strange - there are always too many new people here needing support and help, and I feel I shouldn't waste people's time. I learnt what I could from this site and used as much as I could but for me it didn't work. I guess one size doesn't fit all with MB and whilst all the stories are so very sadly familiar, all have their own peculiarities, and individual nuances. Sometimes I try and help people here, or at least give support. Some sometimes seem beyond help (Blah are you listening?!?!?!?) but in the end we are all individual and can only do what is right in our own situations.

I still feel I spend too much time here, and that in many ways I need to move on. As Stunned_Dad aptly uses Holiday California in his sig line. It is addictive - a bit like an A (irony again!), looking for answers all the time, answers that sometimes just aren't there.

So forgive me friends if I go away for a while. As a divorcee (yuck!) there isn't much support I can get from a marriage building site, and it almost feels hypocritical trying to help others. I am sure I will still lurk - can't imagine going cold turkey!

There are so many wonderful people out there who have helped me, and it would seem rude not to mention some by name - JL and SS, always so very very wise, particularly the support from JL in the early days who just seems to have a knack of getting to the nitty gritty of it all, and SS for always caring. Litchfield, CM, Pepper who just pop in at the times I seem to need it most and bolster me up. The FWS (gosh how I hate that expression) who just KNOW how it feels, Kily, H_P, Jen. Topie who inspires me always with her strength and courage. The dear dear Brit contingent/connection who are such friends too, LIR (look forward to meeting you soon), Neil (never afraid to give me a slap and point me back in the right direction when I need it), Nick (you'll be fine I know) Jante (who posted to me the very first time) and Brit's Brat (Lady is my phone bill going to be huge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

There are so many others that have come and gone over the past year as well, Yellow Rose, Tiger Man, Smudger, Deluded, Layli, Adrian - if you still read I hope you are all doing well, and those I have been in e-mail contact with forgive me for not being a better correspondent, but I promise I will soon!!! For those I didn't mention, forgive me - there truly were so many wonderful people who supported me, and I thank all of you.

I truly was saved by MB, and even though my M wasn't saved, I feel I can go forward from here a stronger, better person for the life changing experiences I have lived with. For those of you who are thinking of or in an A, I can assure you, happy endings aren't the norm, and the pain you cause to others let alone yourself just isn't worth it.

Right, enough from me, best get on with the day and the rest of my life.

Lisa

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 04:26 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

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Lisa-

Reading your post really stirred up alot of emotions for me as I know where you're coming from with regards to loving this person you're having to divorce. For me, it was just surreal beyond belief. I can remember going to the bank a few minutes after my final hearing to deposit funds as part of the settlement and in walks my XW. We sat for a few minutes and discussed some minor details then walked out to our cars together and out of each others lives. I looked into her eyes one last time and just knew I'd never see her again...

Just keep in mind that you can grow from this, I really believe that. For me, all the pain I've experienced has reshaped the way I live my life, but in a good way! Apply all that you've learned in this process and one day you'll experience happiness beyond what you could've ever imagined. Take care of yourself and do check in from time to time, as we're all pulling for you. Good luck and god bless....

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(((((Lisa)))))

My heart goes out to you today. I know how much it hurts to still love your H but feel like there's no saving the M. Don't feel like you "ought to" leave MB just because you are at the point you are at.

Take care in all that you do,

Jen

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Hi Lisa,

I liked your post, it’s a true and deep account of how you are feeling, what could have been and what not, what happened and what not. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t dig too deep – sometimes one has simply to accept a situation as is without a deep rational explanation (a friend of mine whom I told my story yesterday gave me this advice).

With the official paper-work done and dusted, now’s the time to move on. Today is the first day of the rest of your life – enjoy & make yourself happy!

Nick123

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Lisa - I almost cried when I read your post. It's so sad to see two people who love/loved each other now apart. I pray that you will find strength in yourself to move forward in a positive direction. I followed most of your story and understand the pain that you and your H went through. It will forever change you.

I'm sorry that you had to divorce and I wish you all the best. God bless you.

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Speaking of poping in, I just couldn't let you leave without giving you a ((((((HUG)))))) and to wish you the best that life has to offer. I hope that one day soon, you can come back and tell us how you've been doing and maybe share some good news. Take care of yourself Lisa. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Lisa,
I'm glad I was off work today so I could read your post right away.

It's raining today, and that's an odd thing where I live this time of year. It seems appropriate now upon reading your post from your cloud prone (at least according to my British friends) city. It seems apropos given the sadness of your final decree.

I agree that this has taught all of us so much. (The ends of our marriages, our affairs,etc.) I guess all we can do is learn from this experience, and move on to a new life with that knowledge.

I still haven't really moved on yet in some ways. It sounds like you're far more ready to do so than me, and that's exciting! I'm sure if my exH had a girlfriend or even dated, that would force me to move on very quickly.

I too hate referring to my exh as my 'X'. In life I say "former husband'. At times I still say 'husband'.

Thanks to you for all your support. Please do come back and visit. Occasionally I post in the divorced area, but I know what you mean about not wanting to come here too much. If I come for too long, I feel almost worse again. Better to concentrate on other things. Please though I'll want to know how you're doing. Do post an update from time to time!

Take care and God bless,
H_P

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Hi Lisa- as you know my decree nisi was through 4 weeks ago and so I know how you feel- i also felt I shouldn't post here any more but then found there were times when I needed somewhere to express my thoughts and knowing there were some like yourself sho would listen to me and post your support meant I came back - not as often but still occasionally.
Come and go as you have need and know that there will be support for you even after the dv if you need it. i suppose in reality we should post on the dv/dving forum but have not quite managed to move there yet.

(Hugs)) for today

Jante

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Lisa,

I am sorry to see you leave, but I hope you do come back. You have a lot to offer people as they deal with their marriages. You have learned far more than you realize and you have so much to teach.

One of the things about this site, that is often over looked and you touched on is that the marriage may fail (no guarentees here) is that it helps people deal with what was done, and how to handle things in the future.

I know your future is a bright one and that you will lead a very good,happy and productive life. I am sorry I never got to meet you. I don't travel to the UK like I used to. But, you will do well.

God Bless,

JL

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You see this is why it's so very hard to stay away - when you need people they jump in to help you and I appreicate everyone's support and response.

As ever, I will respond in reverse...

JL - you are always welcome at my house <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It's funny what you say, because today and yesterday I really felt that I know nothing about anything anymore. I feel stupid and a failure, but I know that's not really so. Some days are just so very hard, and I think I need to accept that (as I have been) and build it into how I cope and move on with life. You are right too about how there is always a feel that Ms will be saved if you come here, but how do we deal and cope with it when it doesn't happen. Rest assured I have learnt so very much, particularly from people like you.

Hi Jante - yes I still don't quite feel ready to move away from here completely, nor to move to D/D boards because I don't feel DV in my heart. I guess that is something to come to terms with that you will always have that connection. You know how it feels - so sad, so very strange. I don't know if this is worse than the Absolute, but I guess we both know our Ms are over. I will be thinking of you in the coming weeks.

Hi H_P - the weather here was fantastic today, but guess what? It's raining in my heart (in the words of that song!!). I think you are so right about using what we have learnt in our new lives. I do believe that one day there will be someone else for me, and I will treasure that R and work in a much different way than I did with my former H. Thank you for that expression - X still seems so brutal. I have said to you before, H_P you are too clever and bright to be alone for too long. I wish you peace and happiness.

CM - I promise when there is some good news I will come back. Thank you so much for your kind words and always your encouragement and support -it means so very much.

Hey Krissee - but how are you?!?!? I haven't seen you post in a long time. I hope life is treating you kindly. I do believe that Ms like mine which end in this way, well there is a certain tragedy. Still love, still care, but a complete loss about how to deal with so many issues, and that they could probably never be resolved - so very many outside of both my A and his inappropriate R with Shiney Head. Krissee, thank you for your support.

Nick, one thing MB taught me was to be true - to myself to my former H (thanks again H_P). I realised very quickly after d-day how awful those lies are and what deep trouble they can get you into!! I just hope that someone may learn something from my experience, and think carefully about how they value and treasure their M and their own life. I certainly didn't and now I live with the consequences. I do think too, that the paperwork is done - it's a turning point again, and I need to carry on by myself and working on me and my recovery. I do wonder sometimes whether I will ever truly recover myself. Nick I wish you peace and strength as you travel your new journey. Know that (if I'm not around much), I'll be routing for you and yours.

Oooh Jen - I know how messed up everything with you is, so thank you so very much for stopping by and thinking of me. Jen, all I'll say is, take some thought from my situation. Sometimes, you just can't make it happen. I know how you love your H, but don't let him use or hurt you anymore Jen. I will be sending you the most positive of vibes from this side of the pond that things will work well for you. I also hear what you say about staying or going. Don't worry too much, I guess I'll probably lurk alot and because everyone is so wonderful I won't be able to help myself and post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dear Litchfield, you know what I mean so totally. It is surreal - it's a day/date. H and I haven't been together in months, but why does it grip you so tightly round the heart that you think this is the most crazy of things? I hope my conversation with H was a turning point and that one day we can be OK with each other and our lives. Thank you too for your care.

So thank you all so very much for your good wishes and support. I feel better now than I did earlier and I know as time goes by it will get easier.

Lisa

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Hi Lisa,

Now when I come here and post about myself it feels strange - there are always too many new people here needing support and help, and I feel I shouldn't waste people's time.

It does feel kind of strange to hear from you now. It's only because you have come so far that you don't sound like the same person that came here so unsure, and so afraid.

I don't think you waste anyone's time. There are those that will include you in their thanks someday just as you have thanked many here. Sometimes I think you really don't know who you are. The Lisa you are now is not the same Lisa that came here so long ago.

I learnt what I could from this site and used as much as I could but for me it didn't work.
There is marital success, and there is personal success. Somehow I think it did work - in a lot of important ways. You can go if you must, but your space will remain open, because no one can fill your unique place but you.

Sometimes I try and help people here, or at least give support.

I believe you have been a great help to many. I have watched you, and I am sure of it.

So forgive me friends if I go away for a while. As a divorcee (yuck!) there isn't much support I can get from a marriage building site, and it almost feels hypocritical trying to help others.

We learn from our mistakes as well as from our successes. Unless you are saying you learned nothing from this experience, you can be ( and have been) a very good help to others.

Lisa, it is hard to see ourselves as others see us, but I think we have a better opinion of you than you do of yourself. I wish I could give you the gift to see what I see. You are worth more than you think.

So thank you all so very much for your good wishes and support. I feel better now than I did earlier and I know as time goes by it will get easier.

Here's a little more support - for someone that deserves it.

SS

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Hello SS and thank you for your support and kind comments. You are right about the "old" Lisa and the Lisa now. Some traits of the "old" Lisa are of course still there, but sometimes I don't recognise myself and it's hard. I guess one thing I didn't expect to be was single!!!

You are right too to remember about personal success/recovery as opposed to marital. I guess in the main I found a better person. I must continue to remember that.

You have always been so kind SS and so supportive, I do really appreciate that more than you'll ever know. You are right too, maybe one day I'll be able to help others too.

Lisa

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Hi LIL,
Long time no see...I loved your post; As you may know, my divorce became final last Friday, and you're thinking a lot of the same things I am.

I've decided not to decide about any of this yet, as I feel, like JL and others point out, that there may still be contributions from the "non-marriage-recoverors" (If that's even a word...!)

In any case, the best of the bestest to you!

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Hi Space and thank you for your words.

No, I'm sorry I didn't realise your DV was now final - sucks doesn't it!!! Even if you can rationalise it, it still seems quite bizarre how we arrive at this point.

I like your threads - I was reading the one on honesty and wanted to post - hey maybe I will <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm still stopping by and lurking a bit, but I think I need to concentrate on healing me some more. The last week or so has been very hard. As I say, because you can rationalise it doesn't mean that you can wipe away the care and love, friendship and support of the last 12 years. I don't think any of us hate our former spouses - it would surely be easier if we did!!

Take care of yourself too Space.

Lisa

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Hey Lisa doesn't stunned_dad's sig line* ring so true?

*Welcome to the hotel Marriage Builders....you can check out any time you like, BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


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