<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I spoke with my sister last night - she works at a local convenient store. Her Boss asked her if my h and I had separated and she told her yes and then asked if he was seeing ow and she said no that ow's h had moved back home. This person said to my sister - I didn't think ow would do that(break up a marriage). Now this is like the 4th time this has happened with this particular ow - once was well known. How can she come out of this unharmed? I had a feeling she would. Everyone always thought she was so perfect - even after her first affair.

Her and her h are back together and my h and I are heading for divorce. Why? Maybe she is that perfect.

I was so upset by this that I couldn't sleep last night. Am I overreacting?

TTHO

Your feelings are very normal. I don't feel you're overreacting at all. I've lost sleep, too, over the same thing--from a different side.

It sounds much like the reverse of my situation. I'm now divorced, and yes I did have an affair. The exOM had admitted to me at the end of our A that he'd had many other ones, too. He's not divorced, and has moved back with his wife--as far as I know. (There's no contact, so I'm not 100% sure, but this is how it seems to have gone.)

It's almost like some people--serial cheaters-- are nothing more than the embodiment of evil and selfish indulgence. They go around...taking, seducing, hurting others--over and over, but end up still with a supportive mate, and no divorce. Sorry to say this, but I see them as sociopathic liars. They have no regard for anyone else's feelings, ever. Yes, I cheated too. I'm ashamed of it, and I'd never again stoop so low in my life and do that again, to anyone. These serial cheaters, as your husband's OW and my exOM are-just seem to only care about what they're getting. They truly don't care about anyone else in this world. ExOM NEVER felt guilty about what we were doing. That was a tip-off about what he was truly about. HE could justify all of it. I'm sure OW in your case is the same way.

These people might still be married, but we know they aren't 'perfect'. Their marriages certainly aren't the sort I would want to have, ever. On top of all this, they have to look in the mirror, and know how many lives they've harmed greatly with their actions.

Please don't view this as her looking perfect, in contrast to how you say you must look. You're separated due to your husband's actions, not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It's hard to not be extremely bitter and sad, when you're now alone and this woman is still married. But again, what kind of marriage is it that she has?

I know how you feel, coming from a different side of the story.

take care,
H_P

In my case at first she did. But as time went on she kept up her tricks and people have saw a whole new spin on things.
She has told so many lies and accepted no responsibility for her actions. She is very good at placing blame. In my case the womans a nut...
It may appear this way now but in the end th eold saying you get what you give will ring true. You cant cause so much pain and hurt and not pay some way in the future. But realy that isnt something you need to dwell on.
She isnt worth your time. Sont repsond to this kind of gossip. Because thats what it is. Ask family and friends torefrain from sharing any info and you do the sae. If ask th esimple answer is "Id rather not discuss it"She will keep it alive long enough why bring oyurself more pain?

HP
Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I'm glad I'm not overreacting - it just makes me so angry that people think she is so perfect - my h included. She had an A about 10 years ago and has had two other e/a's besides my h and she is 15 years younger than him so she has been busy. But she's still wonderful to him.

People always felt sorry for her because her h is a real idiot - very macho and male chauvanistic. They have separated twice since January and he just moved back again - I personally think she had him move back to save face and to come out of this looking lily white. Of course her h and mine probably think she did it to help me out.

I am embarrased and don't even like to go out even though I didn't do anything wrong. But I am working on that.

TTHO

HMTHK
Thanks for your response. I would have thought by now she would be dealing with a lot of repercussions. I even remember after she was lst married she was confronted by om's wife and told to leave her h alone - but it seems that has been conveniently forgotten. She has changed jobs 3 times because of the e/a's she has had but again it's not her fault. I am just so sick of that. My family knows the truth which is good. I have asked them not to repeat rumors so I hope they abide by that.

Thanks again
TTHO

O honey. Its possible things will get worse before they get better. But you will be ok ...
You have made it this far, as for your hubby, does he see all this ???Is it completely over? I to was headed for the big D. Now im working my buns off.LOL
You just would not beleive the rumors. I come her eand it has made me see a whole differant side.
I have been the one blame was placed on, to many to list. But those who know laugh. Hold your head up and bear with it. One day it will stop. At least thats what I tell myself.lol...

HMTHK
No - my h thinks she is perfect - he says he doesn't but I can tell - none of this is her fault and of course not the reason we are separated. He is still in Love with her - even though her husband moved back home. He is upset that her name was brought out at all - it didn't need to be according to him.

I am in a sort of Plan A - he is not living at home and it is difficult but I think it was more difficult when he was living at home - he is still working with her and that really stinks.

thanks for the reply.
TTHO

Glad my reply helped a bit.

You said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am embarrased and don't even like to go out even though I didn't do anything wrong. But I am working on that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You must live in a small town, or a town where people know each other. I live in a huge metro area, so I never even see people I know.

Few people around me know the entire truth of what destroyed my marriage-namely my affair. I somehow kept it under wraps, so to speak. My exH never talked about it to people either.

I think I understand why you feel embarrassed. It simply is embarrassing to have our private stuff known to others. I'm glad you said you're working on not feeling embarrassed about going out. Hold your head high, and ignore funny looks or whispers. Those who gossip about people who are facing challenges are not worth thinking about.

take care,
H_P

Hello T.T.H.O.,

It's not that she's that perfect--she's that experienced. Big difference.

OP in my sitch was very experienced too--she had even married a MM. I started using the word "experienced" when anything about OP came up--it helped get through the fog to my h.

Take care

Hopeful person,
We live in a very small town - less than 1000 people - so gossip runs rampant - also can't avoid seeing her. Went to store this am to get coffee and had just pulled in and saw her coming across the st to go in to same store. Thought of just taking off and then thought nope - I want coffee - I'm going to get it - sent in got my coffee and she came in but went over to other side of the store - hopefully she was a little uncomfortable too.

I am really trying to be less embarrassed - but I know how people are - of course the ones that talk to most are the ones that have the least to talk about - I guess that's always the way.
Thanks for the reply
TTHO

Loving Boundaries,
I like that - experienced huh? She certainly seems to be - all 4 times she has done this she has been married to the same man and 3 of the men were married. I would love to send them the MB website.

The saddest part is I don't think my h will ever be de-fogged - he seems so obsessed with having a relationship with her.

Thanks for the reply.
TTHO

o HONEY SMALL TOWN GOSSIP ISNT IT THE BEST!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Thats my situation to a tee. Yes I still get embarrassed going out because people dont think a thing about coming up and asking.
And yes at first ws protected her to no end. Her name didnt need to come out wouldnt admit to anything. I confronted the ow live in. It got very ugly but the lies she told to cover her tail and the rumors spread has left ws very angry. I used to pray he would get sick if her name was mentioned well now he gets really mad. Same thing to me these days. Giv eit time. Be the bigger person. Things will come to light. She may seem on top of the world but I guarantee it wont last. Trust me im in 14th month of listening to all the things Ive done. Some are so funny I had to laugh. Shocked people when I decided I wasnt going to cry in front of anyone anymore. She cant touch me anymore.

HMTHK
Thanks - small town gossip sucks - this is really the 1st time it's directly involved me. My h and I have been married 25 years - she started working w/him less than two years ago and then about 6 months later wham - they have feelings for each other - it didn't go further than that physically but emotionally my wh still loves her - I did a bad thing and asked her for help last October - I was desperate - please tell my h that you just want to be friends - but of course that came back to bite me in the butt - they both told the other that the feelings were still there - so now that her name was out there she came to my house and took herself out of the picture - I know it was to save her reputation but of course according to my h and hers she did a really great thing. My wh told her if front of me that he didn't want to be with me and nothing anyone said or did could change his mind. It was after that I told him to leave. I just wish I would have had enough guts to ask her why couldn't you do this in October when I asked you too?

I will get through this - I am embarrassed and feel like such a failure - but this will change too I hope.

thanks for the reply
TTHO

How are you a failure???YOU did nothing.
My ws too told me and her he wanted nothing more to do with me. THen he would call her in front of me tell her it was over then bam they wqere at it again. Its not you.
As for gossip, lets see,
Iveheard all sorts of thing all way to I was th eone having a a with her live in. So dear remember people like to talk. The kicker???
When she told her live in she was taken advantage of while drunk and didnt know what everyone else was talking about....Its funny how tables turn when you are busted.

HMTHK
I feel like I failed at marriage - I thought after 25 years I was one of the lucky ones you know. But lo and behold. I guess what bothers me the most is the things that wh has back pedaled on - she told him after she "ended" it the 1st time that she had been looking. She was unhappy in her marriage and wanted something else. But now he doesn't remember her saying that or him telling me that. She chased him - she gravitated to him during work things and called him to go out for drinks etc. But now he doesn't remember that either. He was special you know. That's why I'm sure he won't believe that she has had other affairs.

The gossip is unbelievable - not sure what all is out there - try not to listen too much and have asked family to put a lid on the gossip but I know it's still out there.

TTHO

I used to respond with something like this (said with the same kind of attitude as when responding to someone talking about the *typical* weather we've been having lately)......

Well, FWH isn't even close to being her first so it's only a matter of time until the gossip is about another MM's life......did you know that bread is on sale at <store>???

Good luck with the gossips and take care

TTHO,
I read true crime books. Your post sounds so similiar to a book I just finished yesterday - called Blind Faith by Joe McGinnises
(SP?) The guy who wrote the book Fatal Vision.

In it the main couple of the story are in a small town, wealthy, community oriented, etc. The W is PERFECT from almost all accounts - beautiful great mom, loyal W, active in the town, etc.

They were known as Ken and Barbie and perceived as having the best M in town.

Then there was Felice - also married, also attractive, but had the reputation of an alley cat. Was known to have MANY EMRs over her 20 year M also - even though she was an asst principal at school.

H of perfect W starts seeing Felice on the sly. They both decide to leave their spouses, live togther, and shun polite society.

Only one prob - Felice is $$$$$$$$$ oriented and the H has none. The man that was about to leave W ended up hiring a killer to do away w/ W as he had a lot of ins on her (Felice had no knowledge of this).

After it happened Felice did leave H for a while. She and the OM were seeing each other w/in a week of the W's death (deplorable conduct <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ).

Anyway after Felice figures out he has no $ as of course he is the #1 suspect even though he felt he was above approach.

Meanwhile Felice, the OW, is back w/ H. Yes, she lost her job, but no prob her H backed her on a string of video stores. Felice and her H are seen all over town hand in hand etc. and even record their message on the work and home answering machines in a sick little scenerio and both take turns w/ a line.

Meanwhile the idiot H who did away w/ from all accounts his beautiful, sweet. loving W, is on death row, and lost 2 of his 3 sons as they finally believe he did in fact do this.

It was a great book. The entire time I am reading this I was wondering how in the h&ll did this man take Felice back - AGAIN? She made him look like the village idiot. For the entire 20+ years they have been together his W has cheated and the whole town knows it.

The author of the book was even stunned at this.

Sometimes I guess BSs are so addicted to their BSs or their identity is so entwined w/ them that they can not walk away no matter how many times WSs cheat or what the WSs do.

It is strange.

Try not to focus too much on the status of their relationship. Focus on you and your own healing. Take care. tew

Loving Boundaries,
Thanks for the reply. I haven't been questioned directly yet - that's because I don't go out - but have graduation party this weekend for my niece - so I will remember your suggestions.
Thanks
TTHO

TEWJTM -
Thanks for the reply. I saw the movie based on that book. It was an eye opener - of course it was before D-Day.
I am just sick of everyone - wh included - thinking that ow is so special. She's done it before - will probably do it again. Personally I think she let her h come home because she wanted people to think she was innocent in this. But I'm sure no one else will belive that.
WH and I had a really bad weekend even though he isn't living at home - I am sick of all of it - he believes everything that ow or her family members say but mine are terrible - why do they say anything. I had one niece who was asked directly if ow was involved and she said yes but no now and according to my wh she should have lied. He doesn't think that ow should have come into it at all - that makes me livid too.
Hopefully I'll have a better week.
TTHO

Deep breathes dear. In and out....
When asked a direct question they ar ento to lie. Lieing is what got you here anyway right? But sometimes its ok to say Id rather not discuss it.
But hte ow , her true colors will shine thru and and you need to be strong, be the bigger person, you dont want to look as foolish as she is. Sh ei s playing with fire and will get burned. Just a question of when...