This is so hard! WH is destroying everything he/we have worked so hard for. He is losing his friends, his children, maybe his job and he still doesn't see it. He thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong and of course I am to blame that everyone thinks the OW is aweful! I have told everyone we know what a slim OW is and how could I do that? (I didn't of course) WH's family, whom I adore, supposedly love OW and are happy for WH and I assume that is true since I haven't heard from any of them in a month or so. I don't know what to do - I am trying not to LB and trying to stick to Plan A but it is getting hard.

OW bought a fixer up house for the two of them - WH is not a handyman - this should be interesting. It has been 3 1/2 months since WH left me for OW! Does anyone else think this is sick but me? I am so frustrated and really don't know what to do next.

Please help!

Are you in Plan A or Plan B? how is your WH relating with your child?

Trying very hard to Plan A but WH is making it hard! WH is trying with our child seemingly only when it is convenient for him to do so! When OW is not around or doesn't mind.

Last night while WH was over seeing our daughter - OW called. I couldn't believe it when WH carried on a conversation with her about her day and was all affectionate with her on the phone. I got upset and told him that I couldn't believe that he respected me so little as to do that and that in the future I would appreciate it if they would talk on there time not our childs. Needless to say he wasn't happy! He said that they had only been on the phone for 35 seconds.

Anyway remembering that I am Plan A'ing - when he called to talk this morning about the child support check I called him back twice - once to let him talk to Skylar and second to apologize for coming down on him so hard about everything he was doing lastnight. He said OK and we hung up.

I am at a lose! I truely don't know if I should just move into Plan B because it hurts to watch him destroy himself like this. Ya know?

What kind of contact does he make with you? how is he with you? Are there ANY needs that he is allowing you to meet right now (thus qualifying him for cake eater status)?

cnf,

A realistic goal for Plan A is anywhere from 3 to 6 months. Usually 3 for a WH...mainly because men have a tendency to become cake eaters, and Plan A is difficult to sustain for the very reasons you talk about. There are a couple of good reasons for moving to Plan B. One of them is to stop fencesitting when the WS is indecisive and trying to decide between the Marriage and the Affair. The other one is to preserve your love for you spouse. If you feel as though you have done an EXCELLENT Plan A and that you can't stand this situation anymore, it may indeed be time to move to B. Evaluate your Plan A to make sure you are leaving H with the best possible opinion of you and that he can see that your marriage is an attractive alternative to his affair. If so, I think you are ready....if not....recommit yourself for a SHORT time longer to Plan A....maybe two weeks or so...then move to B. Good luck.

Mortarman - The only contact we are having as of now is a weekly phone call to arrange a time for him to come over and see Skylar (my choice to have him come to our home rather than take her somewhere - I don't trust OW). We rarely talk of anything else. As for me - he is friendly for the most part but quickly gets defensive and says that he knows why he left if I say anything that he doesn't agree with. He is not letting met any needs right now. In his eyes he is done with me and loves OW.

Star*fish - I am not sure I am doing well with Plan A - it seems everything I do or try to do to show that I still care pushes him further away. I have been told by friends that WH is so sure of my love for him that he thinks I will be there no matter what - and that if it doesn't work with OW he can always come back to me.

I just don't know! I guess that I am just very emotional and unsure right now. I am just so worried about doing the wrong thing and blowing any chance in the future. And the more he hurts me the more I am not so sure I want it to work. He is draining me.

Thanks for all your thoughts. Cherie

WH's family, whom I adore, supposedly love OW and are happy for WH and I assume that is true since I haven't heard from any of them in a month or so.

Your WH's family has probably been told a bunch of lies about your marriage, and about how fantastic OW is. If they really stopped to think about it, they wouldn't accept an adulteress as a replacement for you.

According to my WH, the OW (who BTW, is a saleswoman) phoned my H's family (they live in another country) and introduced herself as his new woman. Then she started up e-mailing them, and they just think she's great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> No doubt because they only know the press release version of events from WH and OW. In the last 6 months, I have only spoken to my MiL once - about a week after DDay. I adored my inlaws too, and it is hard to think they would believe the lies that have been told.

cnf,

If your H is sure of your love...that is an EXCELLENT sign that your Plan A is a good one. Please consider moving to Plan B before you lose your love for your spouse. You are doing just fine....don't second guess yourself. Timing is important.....so don't make the mistake of lingering in Plan A past it's advantage. Good LUck to you. My prayers are with you.

Hey, listen to the fishman here! He is right on!

Plan B is for when the WS is undecided about which way to go. At the same time, it is for the BS who is losing what is left of their love for the WS.

It does sound, by his reaction, that you have done a good Plan A. Added to this, your WH is a cake eater, and feels you will be there no matter what.

Time for him to be uncomfortable in his new world. Write your Plan B letter and post it here so everyone can help you get it right. Then send it to him and GO DARK! No contact. Sure, you have your daughter. Get an intermediary (your Mom?) to have daughter when your husband comes to visit. Give him NOTHING of you. Let him wonder if you would actually be there if he drags this out.

In this way, you protect your love for him and he has to get EVERY need met by the OW. When she begins to LB (and she will)...it will be then that he shows up at your door.

Starfish has it right. Plan B time!

In His arms.

The other really clear advantage for Plan B right now that I can see....is this "fixer upper" situation. You are going to get rid of his "safety net" right as the LBing is going to start over at the "money pit". Great timing for you, because home is going to be like his little lost oasis in the desert when he starts remodeling a house (a job he is ill-suited for!). Most of the couples I know...even the great ones, have almost divorced over remodeling. He and the OW are going to have to make all kinds of decisions (eek), and dates will become work details. Arguments are bound to take a huge spike. Be encouraged!!

Oh, and that's a starCHICK (as opposed to fishman) LOL.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 09:54 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Did everyone have a good weekend? Mine was busy!

WH had a 9 ball pool tournament last weekend so we didn't see him. I did see his family on Saturday for a few hours - they treated me very pleasant except WH's father (FIL). He was a little bugged with me and I could tell. That is probably because I will only allow WH to see Skylar at our home and not drag her all over. FIL thinks that if I would just continue to drag Skylar around she would become accustom to it and she wouldn't have so many problems sleeping and eating anymore as a result of it. I told him that I appreciated his input but for now I think that I am doing what is best for Skylar. FIL is also upset because I wouldn't let WH take Skylar for Fathers Day - I made it perfectly clear to WH that he was more than welcome to spend the day with Skylar but that he couldn't take her and spend the day with her and the OW. (I don't trust WH or OW right now) WH has dragged his other children into the middle of this and it has been hard on them. I won't allow that to happen to Skylar.

WH called on Friday evening to let me know that I could take the childsupport to the bank anytime he was able to get to the bank that day. I told him thank you for calling and good luck in the tournament he replied Thank you!

WH did call on Sunday early afternoon to let me know that he wasn't forgetting about me or Skylar but that his team was still in the tournament and they were in the finals. I again told him goodluck - he said Thank you! It was very pleasant.

I do still love WH sooo much! I still melt everytime I see him. I did do a Plan B of sorts for about a month - I asked him to give Skylar and I time to catch up and learn how to live life without him. He did leave me alone for the most part - only called twice during that time. It was just to hard to see him at that time. I needed to regroup and get myself together. Ya know! So it wasn't a total Plan B.

This is what my thoughts are for Plan B - I am planning on putting the house on the market - it is only in my name. To many memories - we picked it together and had so many plans etc. My Plan B calls for totally moving away and beginning a new. I think for us to try again we need to be seperate from all the friends, family, and others who may or may not support our decision. I have so much equity in my house that this would allow me to pay everything I owe off and give us a very nice beginning elsewhere. I need to find someone to be the go between for Skylar - am not sure who at this point since he has alienated most of our friends and I am not sure I trust his family right now - since they have accepted OW with seemingly open arms. I will work on the letter this week and post it for your review.

Thank you so much! I feel better today! Cherie

cherie,

So glad you are feeling better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> One thing I want to mention....is that for Plan B to work...it can't be "kinda" plan B. If you dilute it....it dilutes the effectiveness. It's like being pregnant...you are or you aren't. You are either in Plan B....and maintain no contact...or you are not in Plan B. Please don't let a house decide timing for you. Only you can decide when the time is right...but pick the time that is right for your marriage, and the time when it is most likely to accomplish ending the affair.... and don't base it on the sale of your house.

Hello Star*fish!(lady)

I understand the no contact in Plan B - I just was trying to give some background as to what I have done so far. I had to for my own sanity - when I realized that it was and affair that caused him to leave - WH said that he wasn't happy and hadn't been in love in over 2 year. Ha! The last three years have been incredible for the most part.

I am selling the house (hopefully not a LB) because I need to - too many memories and a big house for me and Skylar. And I truely feel that it will be what is best for us right now. If I can get what the market suggests - I will be sitting pretty for awhile. It will allow us some financial freedom.

I am looking for a new job - (another reason he gave for leaving, OW has supposedly a great job and makes bank (?) according to WH who is spoiled by her right now) here but also in Denver, and Phoenix. If I get a new job in another state or here is when I plan on implementing Plan B. It will be easier when he doesn't know where I work (I currently work 3 blocks from him) and how to see me when he pleases. I think that will be best.

I do miss him so much today! But am doing better than I was on friday. Had a good cry.

Thanks for everything. Cherie

Cherie,

You are doing really well....so much poise under pressure! Your H is a fool.

Just remember one thing:

Easier doesn't necessarily equal BETTER or MORE EFFECTIVE.

Love and life are sloppy and inconvenient. One of the biggest mistakes I see everyday on this board....is staying in Plan A too long. But I do hear you! And I understand that sometimes you have to have all your ducks in a row first. It's good that you are making preparations. I'm sending you sunshine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Star*fish! You are such a wonderful cheerleader! I needed some encouragement - who doesn't in all this insanity! I feel like I am lost and keep doing the wrong thing. I have people all around me who love me and cannot for the life of them see how I could want this to work after he did this. I guess until you have been there you can not know how you will handle it. But it makes me feel a little insane, for trying that is.

Just how do you know when you are in Plan A too long? We have been apart for 4 months (seems like longer) on the 7th of July? I have apologized for the things I felt I did wrong and told him that I was working on them. He said that he appreciated it but that it didn't change anything since he was "In Love" with someone else now. Is this possible? Or fog? So I feel that all I am working towards Plan A - not quite there yet. Do you know what I mean. I have done so many incredible things for WH in the past that I am not sure what will leave the best impression.

Example of incredible things - for an engagement gift to him I was able to arrange an autographed guitar from his favorite band Motley Crue - The band members all put "Congratulations Mike and Cherie on your new adventure" etc., on his first birthday after we got together we went to a Tim McGraw and Faith Hill concert and they told him a special Happy Birthday in the middle of the concert. These kind of things just happen for me - I don't know why - but I have never seen or heard of anyone else being able to do these kindof things - so I know he will miss that. Yeah!
I am not bragging - please don't take it that way - I just wanted you to see how wonderful we had it together or maybe he had it. I don't know!
Anyway I know I am rambling now so I had better go.