<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Is this weird or what? Please respond with any and all feed back. My husband and I were best friends with another couple and about 4 years ago they had a daughter who from birth is severely handicapped. Prior to that we did everything together. She is a very big flirt and up until three years ago when she reveled more and more about her life it became apparent that she has fooled around on her husband and became quite good at hiding it and a few times about got her self caught but convinced her husband that she just let time get away from her is why she came home late. Always a convincible reason for her actions. Which he always bought her story. Well, it was about two years ago she and my husband became quite good friends. So much so I felt like I was odd man out so to speak. I had expressed my feelings to my husband that I did not feel good about where their friendship was going and that he needed to pull back from her. But before he finally did it got very ugly between us. A lot of nasty fights happened it those two years. He was trying to help her save her marriage which was a smoke screen all along on her part. She would tell my husband how her husband never does anything never helps out with their handicapped child and how hard life has been caring for their handicapped child. You see my husband and her husband work with one another. As I've said we were all best friends.

Knowing much more about her and her past affairs than my husband did, it worried me greatly about how much time they were talking on the phone with one another and her telling my husband all her problems about her husband and mine trying to fix it for her by giving her suggestions on how to make things better. My husband now knows what a huge mistake that was. As it clearly crossed the line on her part of telling my husband and my husband for listening to it for obvious reasons. She does not see where she has crossed any line, as she saw my husband as a good friend. I think she wanted it to be something more than friends, as I know she would not have any problem it being more. Even when I asked her to stop calling my husband she did as she wished and called him. So any way my husband has a little bit of a detective side to him as well as I do started asking me if our friend was having an affair with someone she works with. At first I did not know if she was but later we found out that she indeed was. It was her boss from work. She even went so far as to introduce this man to her husband and invite him to their home for holidays and birthdays or just to hang out for an evening. The three of them became quite chummy. My friend told her husband that he had no family or friends in the area since he moved to our state from another and has not had a chance to meet any new people. Her boss was recently divorced.

From what I understand her boss was served divorce papers on Christmas Day some 3 years ago. His now ex wife moved away to our state and he moved here shortly after she did. Claimed he wanted to be near his two daughters. But who gets served on Christmas Day unless someone really hates you right? Or you've done something very bad to deserve that!

So now her boss is hanging around her family all the time. My friend cant stop talking about how wonderful he is. How her boss has taken a real liking to their handicapped child. That this child seems to respond very well to this man. I must add that her husband is or seems to be at a total loss of how to connect to his daughter outside the normal realm of caring for a normal child. That's when my husband started asking if something was going on between our friend and her boss. My husband even asked her if she was having an affair with her boss and she said NO we are just good friends. Good friends only after 3 months of knowing each other?

More about her boss...He started helping our friend out by baby-sitting this handicapped child whenever she asked. Because after all they had a real good connection with each other. Which I have to say I've baby-sat for this sweet child and it takes a lot of energy to do it. Not for the faint of heart mind you. Her boss would attend most of this child's therapy sessions. He more or less replaced her husbands role in regard to this child. Our friends have three other children. I have to say since her husband like I said has no clue how to relate to this child he accepted her boss for stepping into this role for the child. The more her boss became involved the more wonderful this man became to our friend. And all the while claiming he was a good friend. So much of a good friend that they made it known to all that if something should happened to either one of them then her boss will be the one to care for this child. Strange right?

Finally after putting it all together and our friend admitting to us that she was having an affair with her boss my husband told her husband about what his wife was doing.
When he told him he did not seem surprised, not your typical reaction to such awful news.

On to the last few months, my husband had seen our friend just recently she was at the park in the middle of the day with her ex boss, she was forced to quit by her husband when he was told of the affair. They worked at night. She had all of their children with her. Here's the odd part, her husband knew she would be at the park with her affair partner. I was fuming over the fact that she was still in contact with her boss. I called her husband and asked him to please explain to me why he would allow this man to be back in to their lives. His main reason was that he is a real help to their child and helps our friend out in regard to this child. That he trust his wife, and that she is a grown women who can make her own decisions and what was he supposed to do get mad, start throwing punches at her boss because of what happened in the past, that he does not have the energy to be angry all the time at the two of them, that he has bigger issues to deal with than this nonsense. And besides he informs me her ex boss really likes this child and want to stay involved in the child life. A grown single man wants to spend all of his free time with a child that's not his own, Come on people, wake up and smell the coffee. He also said that this man has a girlfriend and just six months ago he and this so called girlfriend bought a house together. The man has not a penny to his name and the last place he lived, he was evicted out of and his phone service was disconnected months before the eviction. I think his wife has added this twist to the story just to throw her husband off tract. Like his wife and the OM cant continue where they left off just because there is a girlfriend, as if this is an insurance policy to thwart of anything from happening. As I am sure all the times the om is over helping his wife and child out this other so called girlfriend never comes along to share in his joy that he has over this special child. I might add he leaves work at 5 in the morning and does not return till after 3 or 5 in the afternoon. He has thrown him self into his work I think just to escape the realities of home. He thinks I am the crazy one for not accepting the fact that his wife needs all the extra help with the handicapped child and the other three children. Which I agree that she does no doubt.

Ok, who the crazy one here? Us or them? Has he got his head in the sand? Is he just living day to day because of the enormity of their situation? Is he that stupid, naive, gullible, what? I told him he is either stupid, gullible, or very trusting. I dont think he liked me saying that. What the hell is going on here? Is there an exception to the rules when you have a severely handicapped child as opposed to other couples that dont have to live day to day with unusual circumstances? Someone any one please explain this to me. I am not sure but your responses I may forward in an email to him to give him your perspectives on this subject. As he seems to think this is normal behavior and does not see all the red flags and the trouble he is headed towards in the near future. I have to say my friend can be very convincing and I'd go so far as saying she is manipulative and sneaky when she wants her own way. This is driving me crazy, any help would be of great service.

One more note, my husband and I see this relationship as poison to us as they are not a friends of what a marriage should be, and we have very limited contact any more with them.

I wouldn't bother with it another second. He has chosen to turn a blind eye to what is glaringly obvious to any thinking person. That is his choice and his right. You are mistaken in thinking that MORE facts will open his eyes and force him to act. He is not operating on facts, but desire driven emotions. He HAS the facts and has simply chosen to ignore them. He will simply ignore anything else you send him.

And I agree that you and your H should steer completely clear of this couple. They are nothing but trouble.

I wholeheartedly agree with MelodyLane.

You have already done what you could do, short of perhaps addressing your concerns to the W? (I don't remember if you said you approached her on it, just the H).

Anyways... you've talked to the H. You've done your part in exposing the A (be it EA or PA, it's really none of your business). It's time for you to let go. As hard as that may be, it's what is necessary.

It's very good that you and your H have such limited contact with them. You need to focus on protecting your M, not someone else's.

Karen

I know we should leave this all alone. I have many times tried to knock some sense into her. She tries to play me for a fool and tells me nothing is going on. Yet when I ask either one of them "how can you go from being in love with this man to now we are just good friends?" They just say thats because we are. I think they think I just jumped off the tuna boat today. I wonder for the fact that none of their other friends know how involved this other man is in her life that he knows its wrong? The hard part is that her husband saw nothing wrong with her being such a good friend to my husband when he knew I didnt care for it. He actually claimed that my husband was truly helping her with her problems. Ya right! And then when winter comes he will expect that we will continue to go on snowmobiling trips like we have in the past and we will have to come up with a thousand reasons why he can not come along. You hate to hurt a guys feelings like that but we dont care for this couple. Yet my husband works with this man daily. Is he really this clueless? Does a man not care about his dignity whats so ever? What about in the eys of a friend and co worker? How does one live in a home with out the love of a spouse?

Hi eyespy,

This situation is not as unique as one would think (I worked with handicapped children earlier in my life).

Is this the problem you are looking for help with?
"The hard part is that her husband saw nothing wrong with her being such a good friend to my husband when he knew I didnt care for it. He actually claimed that my husband was truly helping her with her problems."

You already know that her H chooses to let other men "help her with her problems" instead of him learning to do that. It also seems that her H makes this same choice even when he knows it is causing problems in the other man's life/marriage.

So, that leaves it up to you and your H to resolve, with no help from her H.

You said:
"And then when winter comes he will expect that we will continue to go on snowmobiling trips like we have in the past and we will have to come up with a thousand reasons why he can not come along. You hate to hurt a guys feelings like that but we dont care for this couple."

Sometimes the truth itself hurts, but you can tell him the truth with honesty and compassion so it doesn't hurt any more than it has to. Why come up with a thousand reasons (excuses?) when there really is only one reason? It sounds like that reason is because protecting your marriage is important to you and your H, and you know by past actions by both him and his W that neither one of them respects that--so for the protection of your marriage it is better for you and your H to limit contact with them to "safe" situations for socializing.

Take care

I think your comments are quite interesting. You ask does this man not care about his disgnity whatsoever? What about in the eyes of a friend and co-worker? I think you could address this question to your husband. Why would you husband wish to be with a wife that engaged in sexual affairs with four different men putting his health at great risk and betraying and humiliating him in the worst possible way and making a farce of his marriage. Didn't your husband not care about his his dignity whatsoever?
What about in the eyes of his friends and co-workers? I think you need to look in the mirror before you start questioning someone else's dignity.