Hello MB!!

I wanted to post a little update on my situation. Things have made a complete turn-around in the last couple of weeks for my lovely wife and I. We have been separated since 21 April of this year. There was no contact other that deciding daughter’s schedule in that time. There wasn’t a plan B. She left and made it clear that we were through being married. Well that has changed now. We are still separated but she has asked to come home. She told our daughter she was coming home (she is pretty happy right now). We have held each other and cried, saying thank you, I’m sorry and I love you through the tears. We are no where close to being finished with our journey and yes the best is yet to come. I am so stoked.

I don’t really feel like typing the last couple month’s events on this post. I wanted to say to those who are going through this “To be Patient.” Affairs aren’t often about what the BS did or didn’t do so as funny as it sounds it isn’t all about us. Trusting in God and letting him lead is the key. Sure I guess it could be done without his help but it won’t be done right.

We have been doing this since July of last year. There was a lot of time spent spinning our wheels and wasted time and effort. Both people have to be willing to take a hard look at themselves and examine what got them to the place where they are today. I think often this point or step gets overlooked because of the hurt feelings and blame-games that go on. It took me a long time to “let it go”. I didn’t let go of the hope for my marriage or the love for my wife but I did let go of the mirage that I had some kind of control of the situation. The pain from started to drift away. I missed my wife but I don’t remember the moment that this happened, I just woke up one morning and “poof, just like that it was gone”(said like kevin spacey in Usual suspects). Kind of like that terrible headache that you have and it feels like a jackhammer in your brain. All you can think about is that freakin’ pain and then a couple of hours later you realize it is gone. You don’t remember it leaving but it did.

Being alone isn’t always bad as long as you like the person you are alone with.. Since the beginning I have been in counseling. I have the best therapist in the world (or at least St. Petersburg). At first all I talked about was how my wife’s actions were making me feel. But as time went on, I got deeper into myself and what made me who I was. My counselor happens to be our pastor’s wife too. She guided me spiritually, emotionally and mentally through a minefield. Giving myself fully to God and letting His hand guide was the key to MY recovery and hopefully our marital recovery too. I can’t say there weren’t a lot of times I grew impatient with God’s timing and I thought I could do it better only to have crap blow up in my face.

For the “newbies” I say be patient with your spouse and with God....Delay is not denial. Often times, when it seems like your world is in chaos, there seems to be no hope. Your life will change. Your spouse will change. Your emotions will change but God remains constant. Lean on Him during the storm. Stay focused on Him and the rest will get easier. God doesn’t always take away the pain but he will make you strong enough to bear it.

Listen to those who post here. There are a lot of smart people here with much experience. Use them and their knowledge. Most of what you are feeling, if not all, has been experienced by others here on this site. I found this site almost 11 months ago and it has been a great help to me. The principles are sound and 99% of the time the advice given here is too.

I thank those who have posted to me and provided a little guidance, corrected my course, made me laugh or just said “man, I know where you are at.” To those who have prayed for me...mahalo.

Thank God for your post tonight. If you would note my last post under PLAN B UPDATE, I was feeling so hopeless. I happened to see my minister at the cleaners today and he told me to keep praying and I told myself how I really had to put this in God's hands. Maybe God sent me you tonight.

God Bless You and Your Family!!!

mimi,

Don't know if God sent me or not but if He can make a donkey talk.......

Great advice your minister gave you. I think it is easy to put it in God's hands, leaving it ther was always my problem. There is a book "God will make a way" by Townsend (Boundaries author) that is pretty good. Also "purpose driven life."

The only thing I can offer you is try and let God lead. He is always working on our behalf for what is best for us as he sees fit, not as we do. This is happening to us because of the choices we have made and some that others made and we are living with the consequenses of them.

I am sorry you are having a bad day today. I hope that tomorrow is better for you.

I always can't figure out what to pray. Thy will be done? Cast off evil? For me? My WS? The marriage? or all of this?

Did God let this happen? or Did the Devil take hold of my WS?

I guess it's not for me to try to figure out GOD'S PLAN for my life.

Hey d_rose

You have no idea how glad I'm to hear of such great news!

Now will come the hardest part... be again more and more patiente....

Just big hugs and congratulations on this development

GOOD LUCK!

thanks mati. yes patience is hard.

mimi
Someone told me that whatever I wasn't praying for I was leaving to chance. I prayed for my wife's comfort and peace. I am still confused about what or how to pray sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I am coming accross as selfish or something.

Freewill is a b***h sometimes. We all make some screwed up choices. God will let us choose what we will do. Maybe these are tests put in front of us (credit to my wife for this one). A marriage is God's perfect union of two people and I do believe that Satan will work to "get" us by making that covenant fall apart. I know it is hard for you right now but keep being a wife as much as you can. I understand you don't have contact, so just live your life the way God directs.

Good luck

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 07:13 AM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by d_rose:
<strong>Someone told me that whatever I wasn't praying for I was leaving to chance.

We all make some screwed up choices. God will let us choose what we will do. A marriage is God's perfect union of two people and I do believe that Satan will work to "get" us by making that covenant fall apart. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, D_rose,

WHAT A GREAT THOUGHT, "Whatever we don't pray for, we leave to chance...." That smacked me between the eyes.

I figured that I had "let go and let God" if I wasn't praying about our situation, just leaving it with Him. Yet, somehow, it didn't "feel" right not "covering" my WH with prayer....

THANK YOU for posting, and giving us updates to encourage us all to hang on and Trust God.

Many more read than post, so THANK YOU again! For all of us.

God Bless,

D_Rose,
I read your post and I am feeling very sad. I was trying to get through withdrawl but then told my wife to seperate, I think I made a mistake. I was wondering how the wayward one in your case came back, and how did you both come to feel good about it? I am hurting right now because I keep hurting my wife and holding on to the dream of being with OW.....sad
Blah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

blah,

Take a hard look at why you are separating from your wife. No one but you can know if it is the right decision. Pray about this and listen. If you don't hear anything, don't do anything. God doesn't speak to us too often through bushes or out of swirling clouds. Soft and gentle He will come. He uses people, maybe even your wife, maybe someone here, to speak to us.

you said this....
I keep hurting my wife and holding on to the dream of being with OW.....sad

You called it a dream. Who is to say if your marriage is going to work or not but it seems you have a wife that is ready to be there for you when and if you are ready.

I can't really speak for my wife but during our separation she "lived" with herself. She got a chance to examine her life, the patterns that she automatically went to and how to recognize them. We both got a chance to do this while separated. I believe I had done more "work" on myself prior to us separating than she had and the separation gave me a chance to live with that new person and see that I was o.k. and could do just fine by myself if need be.

I was wondering how the wayward one in your case came back, and how did you both come to feel good about it?

We let God lead us back together. We spent 8 years doing it ourselves and look where that got us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You have to trust that God knows what is best walk His way. I am sure that my lovely wife would echo this and probably be able to add a lot more. I don't want to speak for her. She used to post here and I think from time to time lurks a bit. She posts under "work_n_progress" and "every_new_day."

blah, it really seems like you are getting close. God Bless

d_rose,

So happy to hear your good news!
You have a journey ahead of you, but together it will be more interesting and fullfilling!
Those of us in the thick of it, need to hear good news like yours, it gives us hope.
I'm one week into Plan B!
I have to put it in God's hands as you say, but it is hard for me to do!
Best wishes to you & your family!

DR add my voice to the chorus of others saying 'Great Job'.

By leaving your W in God's hands, you made peace with the truth that you cannot control her and possibly gotten some peace of mind for yourself from the All Mighty (and I don't mean Bruce <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Don't forget to faithfully follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage and The Basic Concepts as though they were part of the Gospel.

Once again congratulations and keep us posted.

TMCM,

DR add my voice to the chorus of others saying 'Great Job'.

As much as I like to be pat on the back I didn't do that much. Here goes the Oscar acceptance speech...I'd like to thank God first (pointing up), my friends...Damian you da man!!!, my family, etc, etc.

The bulk of the "earthly" credit goes to my lovely wife. She has done more for me spritually and emotionally than anyone. She is just such a wonderful person. Props to my lovely wife.

Yesterday had the day off. Busch Gardens had a "Military Appreciation" day. So me and the female Sgt Rose went to go ride some roller coasters and maybe a log flume. Playful, spunky and spontaneous is how I would describe the day. There were two times yesterday that stood out to me that show me we are "on our way." I won her a small stuffed animal, she said a real man would have won her a bigger one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We laughed she smiled at me, said thank you and gave me a kiss. I felt 10 feet tall. The other one was she reached for my hand.

It was an all around good day. The one thing that always seems to be an issue for me, is my patience. I want to touch her so bad. I don't want to press the subject and I haven't really brought it up but it has been almost three months since there has been any "whoopie" and Mr. Doug is gettin' a little worked up. I know that we are only about two weeks into this and she hasn't moved back into the house yet (though I did bring back the pots and pans and a steam cleaner). But you know how it goes...a couple kisses a back rub and all that does is just prime the pump a bit.

I don't want this to come across as me just being horny. That is part of it but not all of it. I miss that part of our relationship.

Back with some more positives.

Thigs are going very good with my lovely wife and I. Communication is at an all time high. Broke the commun-o-meter we had and had to go buy a new one. That one is red-lining too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God is truly working in our marriage. I can call it a marriage now. Couldn't before, but can now. We are still living apart but have been seeing quite a bit of one another and really enjoying it.

It is after midnight. My lovely wife and i had a really good 2 hour conversation on the phone earlier. We talked about our affairs and what we had learned about ourselves from it. We talked about our future together. We cracked on each other a few times. I told her that I would like to spend the night with her soon. She said o.k. and we continued our conversation.

Fast-forward to 1230 AM this morning. I am on the couch watching T.V. and the front door opens. I thought it was my roommate at first but he was already in bed. I look at the doorway and my LOVELY wife steps through with a duffel bag on her shoulder. I was like what in the world are you doing here. She said I had asked her to spend the night so here she was. I said (stupidly) "I wasn't talking about tonight" She laughed and said "oh, Well".

Needless to say I haven't stopped grinning since. Our daughter was very suprised when she came into our room this morning and asked "Daddy, can I sleep...Mommy????" She was happy.

What a wonderful thing marriage is. It is nice to be able to say that to you guys. I know that at times it seems like things will never work out and I/we have been through lots of them. But there is a silver linining (I didn't get struck by lightening either) and truthfully I wasn't looking for it either, it was just there.

d_rose:

"Delay is not denial"

What a powerful statement! It's important for all of us 2 remember (but maybe most importantly, us BSs) that there usually isn't any need for immediate action in most of these si2ations.

Since I've been in a sort of plan A for over 18 months now, I often feel the need 2 "fish or cut bait" because I've perceived my W as not doing so. But the "delay" has given me the oppor2nity 2 really look inward, and learn. And I've learned a lot.

I will love my W if she decides she can't stay M'd 2 me.
I will love my W if I decide I can't stay M'd 2 her.
And, boy, gee golly, I'll sure love her if she decides she wants 2 stay M'd 2 me!

I haven't fished or cut bait because there is no urgency 2 do either. Well, no urgency 2 do anything but LEARN about myself.

Congra2lations 2 you and your W!
-ol' 2long

2long,

I had no idea there were that many words you could insert the number 2 in2 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (underused razz)

you said this in another thread:
I need 2 be careful 2 try not 2 control the outcome, just myself. When I back off needing 2 control other people or the outcome, the things I truly desire tend 2 unfold more readily. I wouldn't have believed this was possible until I tried it and consistently have seen it. It's an amazing phenomenon. This doesn't mean I have all the answers, I don't. Not even for me all the time, and certainly not for you or others here.

I think that this is the key 2 all of this. This "letting go" is preached here a lot and it is easy 2 do so. I think I even told people 2 do this b4 I did it myself. Funny thing is, we spend all this time looking 4 the "answer" in our spouse, their behavio u rs (inserted "u" for Mr. BC) or their actions 2wards us when it is really about not looking for them. This is something that we have 2 stumble upon ourselves. Sometimes we need 2 trip over this idea several times 2 finally figure out what it is.

I don't think you have all the answers but you might have the answer.

I will never post using numbers again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

God bless

Hey d_rose

Thank you very much for your answer at my post.

I was wondering... hmmmm how is your sitch? Your wife finally moved home?

I read your lasts updates and it felt very good to read, it gave me more hopes and peace to keep waiting...

Now... about that MB weekend? Hey! it's right around your corner ask your lovely wife is she would like to go, I bet it will be wonderfull and the name tags? well.. from where you got those ideas??? LOL

Take care and keep up the good work. Keep us posted!

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

d rose,

Thanks for your message of hope. As the WS who is about to begin a very painful journey, I only dream about staying married, chances seem slim...but at least for you, the pateince worked. God Bless

I have been on a bit of a sabatical for the past couple of weeks. Spent a week at Lake Ocoee in SW tennessee for our church's youth camp. Beautiful place up there. Nothing like having 106 kids ranging from 12-18 years old in the pristine area that we were in.

Being up there, no cell phones, tv, radio or civilization of any kind was really rejuvenating spiritually. It was good to get away and "give back" some of what's been given to me. The kids were great as well as the other counselors. We all came together as "One" (theme of our camp).

While I was gone my lovely wife called my cell and left a message every day. What a wonderful thing that was to hear her messages once we got back in civilization.

Mati:

Wife isn't back home yet but we are moving her stuff back in a little at a time. We have been spending a lot of time with each other...even a few nights ; ). I haven't brought up the MB weekend yet to her but I am planning on it. How are you doing?

Alex:
I am glad that my story has helped. There was a long time when I felt there was no hope and people here sharing their successes helped me hang on. Thank you.
I have been a BS and a WS so I do relate to what you are going through. Seeking forgiveness from God is the most important thing and then forgiving yourself. Your H is going through a lot of pain right now. We men usually have trouble expressing our feelings and usually it is easier and safer for us to express anger rather than pain. It will be difficult for the two of you to understand your own feelings let alone each other's. Be patient, kind, unselfish to each other. If you both commit to this then you will have a really good chance of having something better than you ever had.

God bless