Hi,

I've been lurking on these boards for the past few weeks, but finally needed to post a question.

Briefly, my H and I have been married nearly 6 years, no kids and we're both 32. DDay was 6/3/03. Last fall, my H had become friends with a woman (married, 3 kids) in another state over the internet. Since March, the friendship escalated to heavy flirting with the OW calling him at the office. They apparently communicated quite a bit between emails, instant messages, and phone calls. This eventually led to her coming here and my H spending the night at her hotel (I was out of town). On DDay, he said that he had fallen in love with this woman. The therapist and I have said it's not really love, and he admitted to me he's skeptical that it is. He says his head tells him that, but his heart tells him otherwise.

We are currently in therapy, individually and as a couple. He and the OW agreed to NC (her H knows about it). However, she has called him once a week the past few weeks. My H says he has not been tempted to contact her, however when he tells me she has called he admits it makes him happy and that he misses her. We agreed to be completely open and honest, so everyday when he comes home from work he lets me know if there was any contact.

He says he loves me very much and that I'm his best friend. He agrees we've had too much good in our marriage to just walk away. He has apologized several times for the A and for hurting me. He said he promised himself when we got married he would never hurt me and now he is disgusted by himself and hates himself for hurting me so much. He has agreed to go to the therapist to try to understand why he's done this, and he's agreed to try to have NC with the OW (she so far has been the one to do the contacting). But he says he's not ready to commit to making the marriage work. He says he just doesn't know if we can ever get past it and that we'll always have that baggage and I deserve better than him.

So my question is - is this a normal feeling for the WS? Is the fact we're both still here and we're seeing a C good enough for now and I'm just getting worried over semantics? When he says this, I think it hurts more than the A. I have told him that if I didn't believe I could forgive him and learn to trust him again, then I wouldn't be trying. I know it's only been a few weeks, but I'm starting to wonder if this is a sign that he won't be in it for the long haul. He has admitted that he has more hope for us now than he had on DDay (he convinced himself I would just walk out), but he still says it's not much hope and that everything is stacked against us.

I feel literally crushed whenever he says something along those lines, so I would really appreciate any input from other people who are farther along in this process.

Thank you very much.

trying,

Welcome to the forum, sorry you are here, but glad to have you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think that compared to most of the folks here....you guys are way way ahead. Withdrawal lasts a long time, but your H has shown remorse and is willing to go to counseling.

Those two things are HUGE! Please don't put too much stock in his doubts at this point...it is normal....and part of the reason he is having problems rebuilding his love for you...is that EVERYTIME this woman calls....it reopens his feelings for her.

If it were me, I would concentrate on how to ensure NO CONTACT. Call her H up again and let him know she continues to contact your H. If she is calling on a cell phone....have him get a new one. If she is calling him at work....get him to have his secretary screen his calls...or get a caller ID...and DON'T answer.

His feelings are very normal, but they won't change until you guys can stop this merry go round. Hope that helps.

sending you sunshine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

star*fish,

Thank you for your input. I know how important the NC is, and so does my H. He screens his calls on his cell phone, but she only calls him at work. Unfortunately there's no secretary or any other way for him to know who is calling. We go to lunch several times a week and I send emails during the day. I also try to give him a call a couple times in the afternoon, which is when she usually calls.

The OW is supposedly trying to maintain NC (she and her H have been to this site). She has closed her email accounts and given her cell to her H. I've pointed out that that hasn't stopped her from calling him a couple of times. My H says she calls because all her H ever wants to talk about is this.

I told him I hoped he would get to the point that when he hears it's her on the phone, he would simply say please don't call me anymore and hang up. He said he thinks he will be able to do that if he decides to commit to rebuilding the marriage.

I just finished Surviving an Affair, and he's agreed to read it too. He's read the articles on infidelity on this website before, actually said it helped him see that he had to tell me everything. I know it will be a long road. Some days just look bleaker than others, which is why I finally had to ask if his doubts were "normal".

Thanks again star*fish, and right back at ya with the sunshine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think I detect a suspicion in your post that in effect, you are on what is also called here a ‘false recovery’. Not sure though, whether your suspicion is correct. Only time will tell, in the mean time, you have every reason to be suspicious of course.

<strong>
But he says he's not ready to commit to making the marriage work. He says he just doesn't know if we can ever get past it and that we'll always have that baggage and I deserve better than him. </strong>

Well, this is the key of it, isn’t it. How can your marriage work, if he is not committed?? Or is it the case that he simply ‘goes through the motions’ (MC, IC) now with you in order then to say, well honey, we tried it and now I’m defiantly sure that it doesn’t work? But maybe I’m overly suspicious here.

Key is that the two of you find out what led to the affair in the first place, what was lacking in your relationship, and how do you address this going forward. You will not get the same relationship back - but a different one, hopefully better. In this sense, yes, it will be a struggle probably, no one said it will be easy, but that’s just the way these things are.

On the other hand, it is maybe unreasonable to expect your H to chuck away his feelings for OW right overboard the moment everything was revealed. These feelings endure, and there are exactly 3 things which make them go away: No contact, no contact and no contact. IF your H and OW maintain no contact, with a good bye letter and all (as opposed to “I’m going silent now for a while whilst I sort out my wife… hang on, I’ll be back”), then time is on your side. If contact persists, then the agony goes on and on, and all the attempts of recovery so far have been in vain. There is a time of ‘withdrawal’ during no contact, which is hard for him – which may be phase he is now. Support him in that with all you can.

N