Hello to everyone, I have not posted often, or in a long while. My d-day was 13 months ago and I am still in such despair I don't know what to do. Sometimes I fell as though I will not ever be the same.

In reading threads, I can't help to feel that I am being so foolish by my thoughts. Unlike alot of you my M has not been this good EVER. My H has been so intentive, loving, compassionate, all of the things that belong in a good M, but I still feel so empty (more often than not).

I have been on anti-d's since October and I do feel that they are working I just don't know why I am feeling this way.

When D-day came I did all the usual stuff that BS's do, threw things, screamed, cried and God knows what else. My H told me it was just one time and then weeks later I discoverd it was at least 4, I don't know if I will ever know the truth. He said A was just sexual and that it hadn't happened in 6 months. OW was and still is a co-worker, and just to fill yau'll in she had a STD and gave to H who gave to me. Could this be why I will never feel the same?

But to get to my question, My H after a few months wanted for me to just get over it and not mention it again. I would go into crying spells and ask question after question. He usually answered but always said "Why can't you just get over this". Is this fair? I feel that my H has never been punished for what he did to me. He just wanted to keep the M and forget everything. Was this his way of dealing with guilt? We went to counseling and she said that we should not talk about this after our 1 year mark.

The day of this 1 year mark I cried and he wanted to know what was wrong, I said "Do you know what today is?" he had no clue. This bothered me because D-day was Memorial Day HOW COULD HE FORGET THIS? I have not mentioned anything since then and I am going crazy inside.

Am I being fair to myself? Should I be able to ask him if he has had any contact? He claims that he hates her and that there will never be any contact. I have a hard time believing him because they are co-workers. Am I being un-fair to him for wanting to ask? We are getting comfortable in our M again and I do not want anything like this to happen again and I feel that he thinks I have just forgotten and forgiven.

Help Please, What should I do? Stay quiet and go insane or take chances on making him angry?

Ask him. Part of a healthly marriage is discussing our feelings honestly. You need to be honest with him about how you are feeling. Tell him what you just told us. your marriage has never been this good and what a great husband he is being. But you need some reassurance.

I don't think it is your job to punish your H. Why get upset at your H because he forgot about the OW and the D-Day, I would think that would be a good thing. You don't have to forget about what happened but you need to forgive.

God bless

d-rose,

Thank you for your reply. I have forgiven him, but I think I forgave too soon and he immadiately wanted for me to forget. I truly believe that unless you are the one b'd that if would be hard to understand the feelings and emotions.

Sometimes I think that he got away with this with no damage other than the STD. I on the other hand have had to go through so many different things, my family knows (his doesn't) he begged for me to not tell. My family has had to go through this with me knowing he does not want to be exposed. He doesn't want anyone to know and the few friends I have told he has been upset with me. Like I said, he wants this to be over and never brought up again. That is my delima. I just don't know if rocking the boat would be worth it. Should I have to go through this alone?

No you shouldn't have to go through this alone. I think that is the common mistake WS make but sweeping it under the rug and never to be discussed. They are so consumed with their own guilt, that they don't take into consideration that damage control still has to be done with the BS! Someone here described it as him and OW having all the pieces to the puzzle but you don't. You have to guess and assume the worst which makes it harder for you to recover. Besides if this isn't worked through together openly then how do you prevent it from happening again. I think you should look into another therapist. How about trying Steve Harley?

trying2-4give,

I saw your name and I wondered what your story was. I will try to find your thread. I have not been to counseling in a long time but I feel that I need to because I am still so angry and since I cannot talk to H about it I feel that it is building up and one day it will explode and that would not be good.

I sometimes wonder since he does not want to talk that he does not want me to know something. Since they work together I have a hard time believing NC. This is what drives me crazy. How will I ever know? When will the trust come back? If he had been open from the start telling me there was more than one time I might think he was trying to be totally honest. He did tell me that she contacted him once and I blew up and went to her house so that we could meet face to face. I think he might be scared I might do something like this again. Is he protecting her or me? I wonder this all the time.

It is unreasonable for him to think you will forget. How could you. When we look at our spouse it is sometimes hard not to picture them with the OP. I forgave to quickly or rather said I forgave her too quickly. I just wanted to get on with fixing our marriage. I probably would have poked out an eye to do that at the time.

If the A is truly over and he is sincere about your M then maybe you shouldn't tell. What do you have to gain by telling your in-laws? If you are close to them and they are a form of support for you then I would think it would be o.k. You might want to try and get your H to tell them together. Showing them that you standing beside him on this...a team so to speak.

The church and my counselor have been my biggest form of support through this. Find yourself a counselor.

God bless

Don't have time to talk, going to ballgame. I don't think at this point I will tell. I would if I thought or found out the OW was still in the picture. I explained that I would feel just as betrayed if he had contact with her.

I think I will approach H on the subject tonite and see how it goes.

Maybe this is a topic for another thread but I also want to know if yau'll think that I should let my H know each time I have an herpes outbreak? Can you believe that he has never had one!!!!! How can he be so lucky all the time? It seems everything goes in his favor. When I have the outbreaks I tend to go into another mood but I never tell because that would be bringing the subject up. Can yau'll see how confused I am, how by not talking I am building up dangerous anger. HELP!!! HELP!!! HELP!!!

Your counselor was wrong

"She said that we should not talk about this after our 1 year mark."

I was wondering, if you had a child that died, would the counselor tell you not to talk about it after the 1 year mark?

This is stupid..... don't "buy" this.

If it still hurts, you better talk about it. What good is being in a marriage if you can't share what is bothering you?

HOW you talk about it matters.

Tell your H you are hurting. Ask him to hold you and "just listen" while you spill your guts. Tell your H you do not expect him to solve this hurt for you, but ask him to hold and support you while YOU work it through. (this is usually non-threatening enough) Make sure you tell him YOU are going to do the work, but you need him to hold and love you while you work it through.

Best of luck.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

My counselor told me that the price a WS pays for their infidelity is to have to listen to the BS express their anger, hurt, etc. over and over and over again until there is no more anger and hurt. And to answer the BS’s questions over and over again until there are no more questions.

That is how we did it. Our recovery has been very quick and solid. By husband as so patient with me, his doing this helped me heal.

I think it was on the Peggy infidelity site, she has some statistics, one that I recall is that the more a couple discusses the affair the more likely they are to have a good recovery.

Get a new counselor. He or she is not well educated in how to recover from an affair.

Pep

I have tried to get a new counselor, none of the ones covered on my insurance plan are taking new patients at this time. I guess I need to just find one no matter what the cost. I have been under the assumption that I can heal myself as time goes by. It is really strange but the closer the "Year Mark" approached the sadder I became because I felt that this was going to be the closure to something that I had not quite gotten over yet. I just kept telling myself that I was being silly.

Zorweb

I have asked what seems like a million questions. With each question I ask I always think that there could not be another one but one more always seems to creep into my mind. I make myself crazy waiting for the best time to ask, the time never seems right because my H always knows when to make me feel better and I just "Chicken" out.

This goes for last night when I was going to try to talk to him. We came home from the ballgame, ate, got ready for bed, etc. I was all prepared, nothing was going to stop me from talking to him, but when he climed into bed and grabbed me into his arms I just melted. I thought "I can't hurt this man by bringing this up".

This is how my days go over and over again. Never does there seem to be the right time and hence the anger builds up and up and up.

I find myself loving him so much at times and hating him, not wanting to even look at him at others . This is a man who I never thought would do this to me I don't think I have waken up from the nightmare yet. I keep waiting for the day when I don't think about it. Am I being foolish to think it will happen so soon?

Okay, now I am really confussed. My H had told me that the OW had been transferred to another department the last time I asked about her. This made me feel a little better because I knew it would be hard for him to see her. I knew what her department phone # was when she was in his department.

Curosity got the better of me this morning and I called the main number and asked for her extension, and would you believe that it is the same one as her old one. Could he be lying or do you think the phone list has not been updated? Pretty fishy huh? This kind of thing could drive one crazy!!!! What should I do? How can I prove she is still in his department? Should I call that number? I know they have caller ID so this would be hard to accomplish. Pay phone maybe? I feel like I have been hit with a ton of bricks again!!!

Pepperbands and Zor's posts are dead on...

One of the goals here is to create an environment with your husband in which HE feels safe to hear you vent....

That you are free to communicate your feelings...and he can listen with no other expectation from you that he 'hears' your words...

Look long and hard at exactly what it is you WANT from him...
What do you expect him to say or do when you tell him of your pain,,,,
Is what you want realistic Is it enough
And is it really what you want...

If he had been open from the start telling me there was more than one time I might think he was trying to be totally honest. He did tell me that she contacted him once and I blew up and went to her house so that we could meet face to face. I think he might be scared I might do something like this again. Is he protecting her or me? I wonder this all the time.

I doubt any WS disclose everything up front...perhaps letting go of that wish...that you can not change will help you heal....

Look at creating a more safe environment for him to open up to you as well as you seek to open up to him....

Often they are protecting themselves...human nature has its sucky points... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He just wanted to keep the M and forget everything.

Also a common human nature driven concept...forget everything...remember that men are fixers and want things fixed quickly...they find control in fixing and moving on....women are different...consider getting the book...on tape even...(men are from mars)

what about his needs her needs on tape to listen to together in the car...

Also consider seeing your counselor alone and telling her that you can not accept not talking about but are willing to look at how you will talk about thinks seek her assistance in setting rules and boundaries for you and hubby

...lots of people set up certain times a week...wednesday from 8-9 pm could be your time to talk and say to husband...all you want to ...ask any question...with rules in place..won't get mad at answer..don't want an answer etc....and during that time is YOUR time...then move on....may find you would need to set this up less and less...

ALSO actions define us and make sure in creating that safe environment you give lots of positive feedback for the things he is doing right....if he feels all he is doing is for nothing...or that you don't appreciate what he is doing (his part of recovery as he sees it to the best of his ability) then it may hurt both of you in the end..
he may quit trying..

definitely tell him about any outbreaks you have...but again create that environment in which it is safe for both of you to discuss...

luck to you
ARK

Thanks ark, I'm not sure you read my newest post about the phone #. What should I think of this?

Also, about the outbreaks, I think the reason I have chosen not to tell him is because I feel so DIRTY . Even though I know this is of no fault of mine, I can't help but feeling this way. Is this normal? I truly believe this is a major part of my slow recovery. I know I will never physically be the same. Am I holding onto my M only because I feel that NOONE will ever see me as "WANTABLE" again?

Well,
I work with a company that moves offices for people all the time...and keeps the same extention for that person....easier than changing and communicating the change....

But it is the symptom of not communicating with your husband....

You must create an environment to communicate these feelings and emotions with your husband...

first get education from your Dr. NOT the web on the STD...

There is no shame in it....
if you have outbreaks consider the medication for it...
change your screen name to....you are not tainted....

seek good and positive things..your life is not "over" by a long shot...

You must learn to see yourself as "wantable" first...and the rest will follow...

ARK

Update - H called ironicly after I sent last post. I decided to bite the bullet and ask him. I ask him if he was sure that she had been transferred, he said "yes". I asked him are you sure, he said "yes. I then asked why she still had the same extension #, he said "HUH", I asked agian, he said "are you checking up on me?"

He then proceded to tell me that he never said she was not going to be in a different place, just department. This is a total LIE, I remember in detail our conversations because it made me a little more confortable. He said she was in another buildig that they would never have to walk the same halls again. He denies this. This is not something I imagined.

Is this denial on his part? Is this his way of hiding something? He was very upset with me and he said he was tired of trying to convince me that there is NC. He said "It's not my problem". Can you believe this. I told him he made it his problem when he had the A.

The call ended when my boss walked in and he hung up on me.

Did I open a can of worms? What should I do now? We haven't had a fight about this in a long time.

H hasn't called me back yet. Maybe I'm assuming too much.

He said something at the end of our conversation that I'm a little curious about.

I said to him that he would just never get how I was feeling and he said to me "You'll never know how I am feeling"

Can anyone explain to me how he is feeling? We have never talked about this.

feeling tainted...

so much of your posts is all ABOUT your fear of asking and talking to the ONE person you have said you want to spend your life with...and some of it is even YOUR issues about it...

would go into crying spells and ask question after question. He usually answered but always said "Why can't you just get over this". Is this fair? I

See here where you say he did answer your questions...time to ask yourself...
did YOU hear him.?
did you like or dislike his answers?

And nope life is not fair...that answer is not even fair...but it is true...

The day of this 1 year mark I cried and he wanted to know what was wrong, I said "Do you know what today is?" he had no clue. This bothered me because D-day was Memorial Day HOW COULD HE FORGET THIS? I have not mentioned anything since then and I am going crazy inside.

He asked you what was wrong with you...you turned this around on him....did you discuss how this affects YOU ...not him...?

Never does there seem to be the right time and hence the anger builds up and up and up.

There won't ever be a right time..until you work on creating a safe environment for the both of you....

I just melted. I thought "I can't hurt this man by bringing this up".

see the pattern or cycle that is created...you have all these feelings/emotions...and yet out of protection hold them in...but in the long run they cause just as much damage "perceived and real" than if you just came out and told him...

you want to protect from hurting him...and yet your hurting does hurt him...through your actions...through common passive aggressiveness which we all become guilty of when not addressing real issues

I said to him that he would just never get how I was feeling and he said to me "You'll never know how I am feeling"

Can anyone explain to me how he is feeling? We have never talked about this.

ummm only he can explain how HE is feeling...and good that he said that...cause it sounds like a perfect starting point to begin a new communication style and environment...

so you two are in what appears to be a fight...he expects you to be angry...you expect him to do this or that...diffuse it all..

Be calm and glad to see him when he gets home...
talk to him about how you thought all day about what he said...and that you agree with him...and more importantly...you want nothing more than to know how he feels...and for him to know how you feel...

you have two choices you can fight this battle out the same old way...or you can decide to really hear eachother....

Thanks ark, I'm not sure you read my newest post about the phone #. What should I think of this?

feeling tainted..I did read your post...not sure you are reading mine..or peppers or others...
you are spinning in many many different directions and all are causing you confusion and pain...you need to get in control of what you can...

Dr. Phil would tell you that you gain something from your own behavior....and to look at what that is....

ARK

Ark - Well I really feel like a "Ninny-Baby" now.

did you like or dislike his answers?

Can't say that I didn't like them, I guess I just wasn't ready to believe them.

He asked you what was wrong with you...you turned this around on him....did you discuss how this affects YOU ...not him...?

We did discuss this, he said that he just didn't think it was important enough to remember. (Remember he is trying to forget and move on)

so you two are in what appears to be a fight...he expects you to be angry...you expect him to do this or that...diffuse it all..

He did call me back to my suprise and asked me how I was doing. I took advantage of this and kinda spilled my guts about how it was hurting me more not being able to talk about this issue with him. He said he doesn't understand how us talking about it will help. I explained that when I was upset (pouting, he always picks up on this) if he would just be there for me to talk to. I brought up the comment about not knowing how he felt, how him talking to me might help him also. He told me that it mainly was guilt, sorrow, etc.... I have never doubted the fact that he was sorry.

I also told him it was unrealistic for him to think that I can just forget about this so soon. It still feels like yesterday.

I hope I was able to get him to understand somewhat (but we are both a little bull-headed).