The last 10 days of my life have just dragged by.
Been very busy @ work, but also have been really tearful when I stop and think about what has happened in my life.
I went past OW's house on the way home from hockey practice tonight. Whose car is there? WH of course. Good luck to them both.
I am in Plan B, but it made me angry. He has chosen his affair with her, and is not sorting out the issues he has with me. There has been the odd text message just to make sure I am still around, but no real concern about ME - the person who he promised he would forsake all others for, and remain bound to for better and for worse etc...
The apparent porn problem is confusing me. I feel that he is a sick, sick man. The sites are hardcore, as are the daily doses that he is receiving via e-mail. The thin end of the wedge, I fear.
I have had time to process the significance of a number of events.
- OW is Asian. The last person WH (a european) dated before me was Asian. I am part Asian. The porn images he seems to be into are of women with dark features, many are Asian.
- For much of our relationship, WH was trying to turn me into his fantasy muscle woman.
- When we were engaged, he bought me a second-hand book on women's body-building as a BIRTHDAY present. (I did think it was odd at the time ...)
- Then there were continual conversations and suggestions that I should take up body building - he even paid for a gym subscription last year, wrote me a weights programme, and tried to get me to drink protein drinks!! I have always enjoyed being fit, but cardiovascular fitness, not muscle building.
- Last year, he suggested that I should get breast enlargement (I was quite happy with my boobs BTW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) he even offered to do this as a 30th birthday present. Anyone think this an unusual thing to do???
This Asian/porn/bodybuilding thing is downright creepy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Many aspects of our relationship history are now hitting me right between the eyes, although of course I may be blowing thing way out of proportion.
I'm not sure why it upsets me that he has gone. He is a sick pervo. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't want to start a relationship with my H.
Unfortunately, where I live, a couple must be separated for 2 years before they can file for divorce. I would do it tomorrow if I could. That means that I will be left with the legacy of this event hanging over me for another 18 months. Unbelievable. I just want this all to stop, I just want to cut him out of my life and be done with this, but I can't.
I guess I am also worried that if he and OW split up, he might want to reconcile. I can't face the thought of that. It's become too complicated with the porn factor. I think my self esteem would take a real dive if that happened.
Anyone got any suggestions for moving through this? Although I am in Plan B, I really don't feel as if I have a lot of control over things right now. All things considered, I have very little respect left for WH. Pity yes, but respect and admiration, no.
BTW, it's my real birthday in about a week's time. My gut feeling (which is always right these days) is that he will just ignore it. Adding insult to injury it seems.
