Those of you who have been following my threads know about me -- married woman with kids involved -- I admit now in an EA -- with a coworker. I dont think my marriage is suffering in the least, better than ever in fact. But your posts here made me think.

What I am doing now is just having lunch with my friend twice a week. We email each other during the day, talk on the phone.

For you who have been there, does that make sense? I don't feel I need to do something like no contact because it seems so drastic. I am not distraught or anything like that, so the lunches, etc seem like a good balance.

The strange and scary thing is that I can love two people at one.

Lunches are not bad, but having an EA for lunch is errr BAD.

Headspinning, Not sure if you have read my threads.

Co-worker, Talking, Flirting, Lunches, Sex, "HERPES" !!!! Yeah, As far as I am concerned lunches are BAD! BAD! BAD!. But that's just the opinion from a BS who has sufferd un-reversible damage.

You want to play Russian roulette? Go ahead, it's your funeral.

I think that since your posting here, then most likely you know the correct answer to your question.

Lunches are not bad, but it sure sounds like your lunches, phones calls, etc.... are not the makings of a healthy relationship(marriage).

If you think you can love two people, someone including yourself is missing out.

If you have to ask about the lunches...doesn't that answer it for you?

Lunches are bad, they give you one-on-one time to increase the closeness of your friendship with someone of the opposite sex....increase the temptation to let it become more.

If you love your spouse and don't want a divorce, don't do lunch anymore. If you think your kids would be happiest with you and your H divorced and living apart, keep having lunch with OM. If you really would like to look forward to Christmases and birthdays without your H, with just you and the kids, or just you all alone while your H has the kids, go ahead honey, keep having those "innocent" lunches with OM.

You're playing with fire, even if it's not so hot it's burning you yet. We speak from experience here. End it if you value your marriage.

You don't want to go through the pain and agony of separation and divorce. Believe me.

Jen

You really think there's nothing wrong with keeping in constant contact including lunches with someone you believe yourself to be in love wiht? When you got married, was this part of how you envisioned marriage? Have you convinced yourself that you'd be comfortable with your husband doing the same thing?

Rule of thumb: If you can't be 100% honest with your husband about your feelings about OM and frequency of contact, it's a very bad thing. If it wasn't wrong, you wouldn't keep it secret from him.

Instead of calling, emailing, and having lunch with OM, try doing all this with your H. Whatever you give to the OM, you're taking away from him.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was having an emotional affiar and lunches with another female friend? Would you respond that it is allright for him to continue this? Are you honest with your husband about your feelings about this OM? Are you telling your husband the truth about all of the meetings and your feelings? If not then you are cheating and I am sure you would not like your husband doing this to you. When you start disrespecting your spouse this way it becomes a matter of time until you end up disrespecting yourself.

I hate to say this but we may be wasting our time with her since this is the second (third?) time since she has asked this same question. This woman, for the time being anyway, is not interested in marriage building, she asks these same questions for the purpose of confirming her bad choices. Maybe it will take a reversal of roles (her H doing what she is doing) to open her eyes.

Headspinng,

Have you told your H about the lunches, the emails, the phone calls? Does he know how you feel about OM?
If not tell him, AND then ask him if the lunches are alright.

Your OM has been given a huge advantage over your H. He doesn't have to do anything but make conversation with you. He knows about your H and I am sure you have filled him in your H's failings. He has no problem meeting your needs because it doesn't cost him anything. YET!

You are already cheating the man you are married to and claim you love, by not letting him know about a significant portion and aspect of YOUR life. Your H could be receiving phone calls and emails from you daily. He could be the focus of your attention.

He could be the subject of your enquiries here, but he is not.

You cannot say your marriage hasn't suffered because you haven't put full focus on it. YOu may have NEVER really focused on your marriage, but there is no doubt your marriage is not getting your full time and attention.

So tell your H the truth, and then ask him about the lunches. I think you will get a similar answer to here. You are cheating your marriage, and your H of your emotional energy and focus and the lunches perpetuate it.

God Bless,

JL

You make me want to LAUGH, evily. I just finished reading your other posts. You are either a staged betrayer or so f.o.s. that you could not see black and white direct on.

Your repetitive nature leads me to dumbly reply...and your POINT IS

What I am doing now is just having lunch with my friend twice a week.
You said previously there was kissing and "sensual" TOUCHING."

We email each other during the day, talk on the phone.
How many times a day do you email your husband and talk with him on the phone?

I don't feel I need to do something like no contact because it seems so drastic.
But it's only lunches with a friend so cutting all contact would not be "drastic." It would simply be not having lunch with him.

I am not distraught or anything like that, so the lunches, etc seem like a good balance.
Tell your husband EVERYTHING that has gone on. Tell him about the kissing and "sensual" touching. Tell him about all the phone calls and what you talked about and emails and what was in them. Tell him how any times a day they occur.
If you cannot do this, then there is more to the situation than you seem to think.

The strange and scary thing is that I can love two people at one.
Why is it strange and scary?

Have you told your husband you can do this & it is okay to do this?

Playing games with hearts should be left to the card game alone.

<small>[ June 25, 2003, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: WFLOWER ]</small>

Are you really interested in figuring this out or are you just looking for that one person who condones what you're doing so you can sleep at night? Anyway, since this post asks the same question as your last post, I'll copy my answer from that one over here. Good luck.

HS -

It's good you have come here for advice before making the biggest mistake of your life, although you have already taken some steps down that dangerous path.

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What I am doing now is limiting the time I am with him: lunch twice a week, phone calls and computur messages during the day.
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That's how my wife's multi-year affair started, that's probably how the majority of affairs represented on this site started, and that's where your affair has started. Yes, your affair has started, because you have made an emotional investment with someone other than your husband.

quote:
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I don't see how I am hurting my primary unit.

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You keep referring to your family as a "unit." Your family is made up of living, breathing people with feelings and hopes and dreams. Just like you. To refer to them as a "primary unit" sounds like you are compartmentalizing them, putting them in a little box over in the corner. My wife is good at doing that also, which is why she was able to sustain her affair for so long. She and the OM (a friend of mine) used to talk about me, also, so that has nothing to do with how far this might go. And as far as hurting your "primary unit" goes, if you continue along the path you have started on, believe me and others, you will see and feel the enormous pain up close and very personal.

HS, please heed the advice of those who have posted to you. Some have been where you are, others of us have been where your husband is. Any way you look at it, it's all very ugly business.

A lot of people have come here just as you have, looking for advice or perhaps affirmation for the situation you are in. Most of them were here for awhile, got some great advice which they really didn't want to hear, and then disappeared, presumably to get on with their affairs.

Please don't become another one of "them." Do what is right and stop this relationship before all the pain comes, which will happen if you take this further.

If you truly love your "primary unit," seek your fulfillment from them, as it should be. Real love is never found in fantasies. Ask anyone who posts here.

If you are really interested in an answer, and not validation for your actions, look up material and/or books on "Emotional Availability". Those will explain, in ways you will clearly see, the damage being done to your marriage, husband, your family, and yourself. Serious damage that you seem to believe does not exist. It does. Numerous destroyed marriages and lives here will attest to that.
May you find the guidance of your own higher self, and defeat the temptations of the ego.

HMMM, lunches bad. Good question. You know, my W used to have luches with one of me best friends that was completely innocent. Well, it was innocent until it turned into an A. Jen Brown is right, if you have to ask about it, you probably already know the answer. But then, you'll hear what you want to anyway, right? Most WS's do. OY

MTD

Hi again,

You've asked this question (in slightly different ways) before. Have you been completely honest with your H about EVERYTHING? After revealing EVERYTHING to your H, ask him if having lunch is ok--he is your spouse and his is the answer that really counts.

Btw, if you are completely honest with your H about EVERYTHING and he is ok with the lunches, I would start looking at the possibility that he has an OW on the side. The info pages of this site will help you with that, and then you can make informed choices as to whether you want OP in your marriage or not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:

Btw, if you are completely honest with your H about EVERYTHING and he is ok with the lunches, I would start looking at the possibility that he has an OW on the side. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And it would be very interesting if her opinion is going to be the same if this turned out to be the case.

I think you have come to the worng place to ask this...this is something between your H and yourself.

You have said he doesn't have a problem with it. I'm not sure you've been completely honest about the situation (or at least as honest as you have been here). Had you been completely honest, then he would have a problem with the contact you are making with this OM.

The Policy of Joint Agreement says that only when you and your H are in ENTHUSIASTIC agreement about something do you do it. I can't beleive he would be enthusiastic about you spending time away from your M with another man.

And you wouldn't ask this question if you weren't already feeling guilty about it...

headspinng, Either you have not read many posts on this forum and see for yourself where this is taking you or you are not sincere in asking(I read your previous posts).I typed an answer to you but realized the best answer I could give you is proof straight from the source.I did a copy and paste of a post from "Negotiating in Marriage' for you to read. Hope you wake up and hear the fog horn soon.

[QUOTE] soregretful
Junior Member
Member # 28170

posted June 25, 2003 01:50 AM
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I have never told anyone about the affair I had until two months ago, I revealed to my husband the whole horrible truth. The affair was with a coworker and lasted about a year (worked with him for two years). It's been over for more than three years now and after pretty consistent questioning from my H, I broke down and revealed what I call my deep dark secret. Things are a constant rollercoaster and somedays I would like to commit suicide while others, I hope and pray that my marriage will last. I feel a little crazy at times, have no appetite, have lost weight, have no motivation for things, and have become more and more obsessed with my husband's activities away from me. His constant statement is that he is screwed because he has two choices ahead of him...to stay with me (the one who has betrayed him and never trust again), or leave and betray his commitment to marriage and our two children. He is very angered at his choices. I've been reading His Needs, Her Needs and I got him the CD version, but he says it's too painful to even get through the first chapter. I love my husband more than anything and want our marriage to last and become stronger. I hate myself everyday because of what I did, and can't even believe I did it! We are currently in counseling, but, my H sees our counselor most of the time, alone. I have seen her alone a couple times and we have seen her together about three or four times. I feel things have gotten much worse over the past few weeks.
I've had no contact face to face with the OM since I quit my job 1 yr and 2 months ago and affair was over in late '99/early 2000. I have never called him on the phone, but he called a couple times - once a year ago around my birthday and lastly around Christmas 2002, at which time I told him not to call again. I have since changed my number.
Any advice or words of wisdom to share? I feel so lonely, pathetic and ashamed... Thanks
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Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2003 | IP: Logged |

headspinng, there is a heart touching answer to her post from a BS that you should read.
Secrets will make you sick.
Hope you will do the right thing and end this "friendship" NOW. kk