It's like twisting a knife in my gut to see this affair unfold like this. The WS is always so innocent as the line keeps getting set and crossed until her "primary unit" is torn to hell and lives and dreams are ruined. This is sick and it depresses me to see it.

I might have missed something but I did not read in headspinng's posts that her H knows about the A she is having with this coworker/friend. She says her H is happy in the M and she seems to contribute that to her being so content and fullfilled by this relationship with the OM.

If I missed something,I apologize but I did not see that her H knows the truth or the details. kk

Hi there. I lurk mostly. I used to post a lot, but I'm in a pretty good place with my marriage right now. However, you post intrigued me, and I hope that you will really listen to what is being said to you here.

I did exactly as you are saying. I started talking with someone in my work building. He was a nice, married man. We got a long well and had good, innocent conversation. Eventually we started doing lunches and calls. It was innocent. I would mention him to my husband, but in a nonchalant manner, so to make it really seem innocent. So much that I had myself convinced of it. Well, it wasn't innocent, and before I knew it or control it it had turned into a full force physical affair. It lasted quite some time, and I hid it from my DH and lied to him and face to face denied everything.

Sweety, you are headed down a dangerous road. Please don't think it won't happen to you. That you are being more careful. That you have no desire to cheat so you won't. It doesn't work that way. Listen to the people here, they are wise. When you feel the urge to call or e-mail someone, make it your husband. Work on that relationship. Call you husband at lunch and talk to him while you eat at work.

There are many good points made: if you have to ask this question, you already know the answer; if you cannot tell your husband EVERYTHING then it's more than you are admitting to yourself; if it's so innocent and only lunches with a friend then it would be drastic to stop. Pay attention to all these red flags you are shooting up, and fix this before the real damage is done to your marriage and repair is all that much more work. It's worth the effort yes, but more worth it to make that effort NOW.

I hope this helps. All my best to you, and I pray you find the path down the right road soon.

wow.

i suggest you read the following from TogetherAlone who posts a lot on the recovery board:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010537

but here's an excerpt that i found particularly relavent, given your posts thus far:

"For most people, an affair is a serious violation of their values system, so that sooner or later, the intense discomfort of values-betrayal is felt. This is heavy-duty pain, the kind that the WS is keen to escape from, like appendicitis. So how do they escape that pain?

"They could a) confess, but of course it's not something trivial they'd be confessing, so forget that, b) stuff the discomfort down, or c) alter the values system.

"I suspect that most WS's begin by trying to stuff the pain. But it?s too big - like getting an elephant into a suitcase. So there is really only one way to go. The values system has to change. It seems likely that the WS moves rapidly away from such intense pain - perhaps so quickly that its presence is not even noticed.

"So the WS's position metamorphoses:
1) It's wrong to have an affair.
2) Friendship is not an affair.
3) Affairs are only wrong if they threaten the marriage. This is a friendship-with-sex and does not threaten the marriage.
4) The outside relationship "brightens" me, and is therefore good for the marriage.
5) Other people are inexperienced. They don?t understand the power of a passionate friendship, and how enriching it is.
6) This affair is not wrong. In fact, I could not live without it."

(to give you some perspective of the person who posted this, her husband had multiple affairs and her thesis here is based on his own hindsight.)

the questions you should be asking are: a. does this sound familiar at al to me?; and b. where am i on this scale?

the questions i have for you are if this secret is so enriching to your marriage, then what's preventing you from telling your husband? (perhaps he would like to enrich his marriage similarly). why wouldn't you want to share this marital enhancement with the world by telling your friends and immediate family? (the list could go on and on, and i'm certain you know the answers to teach question.)

none of us here are going to be able to open your eyes if you don't want them to be opened. you're going to come to it in your own time. the sad part of that is that you might be too late and many people beyond your husband and the OMs wife will be affected. to illustrate, make a list of your immediate family (your husband's side, your side, your kids, your parents, etc). now list all your exclusive friends and your husband's exclusive friends. and, for good measure, don't forget a smattering of co-workers. now list the friends you and your husband have in common. after that try and make the same list for your other man. those are the lives touched by an affair between two people.

like others have said. you're here and that's inherently a good thing. the rest is up to you to consider what you're learning (hopefully) and then do what you know is right.

<small>[ June 25, 2003, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Mmmmm.....yes I've been there, and it eventually led to the destruction of my marriage and my family. A tragedy when one considers that I have 6 children whose lives are now irrevocably altered. And that I was party to the devasatation of another home and family and to a lot of people around us.

Still though, I understand your question and I can see where you are coming from. What you don't see is how the slide from an EA carried on over lunch and via email to something more can occur so imperceptibly that you don't know you've been sucked in until it's too late.

A movie I would strongly encourage you to see is Unfaithful with Richard Gere and Diane Lane. I was riveted with the insightful accuracy of what happens when a woman has an affair was portrayed.

And, a book I would suggest you go out today and buy at your local B&N or other bookseller is Shirley Glass' new book, Not Just Friends which talks so incredibly well to the phenomenon of workplace affairs.... what they are, how they start, what the danger signs are and how to protect your marriage.

I know WS's tend to take a lot of heat here at MB and that's too bad. If you're here struggling and wanting insight or help just to figure out where you are that's a step in the right direction. I was once where you are and I now do coaching for couples recovering from infidelity..... life is ironic and we never know where it will lead. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you with all this.

C

Hey C, would that new Shirley Glass book be something that someone in my position might want to read as well? Or am I sort of past the point where that book would be useful? Since my W's affair was and continues to be a workplace affair, I am just curious.

ALS

would that new Shirley Glass book be something that someone in my position might want to read as well?
Couldn't hurt. It points out how they (workplace affairs) start and how NOT to get into a situation which COULD lead to ??? Also, may help you gain a little more insight into your own situation.

I was thinking about this kind of scenario today, and it came to me like a story -

"Once upon a time, there was a lovely woman, and she had a beloved cat. Every day the milkman left the milk delivery on their doorstep - in glass bottles. First thing every morning, the lovely woman brought in the milk, and shook the milk bottle, mixing the cream on the top with the rest of the milk. Then she poured out a saucer of the milk for her beloved cat, and a glass for herself. Their life together was calm and happy. Then one day, around mid-day, she started to notice a stray cat in her garden. It came and sat on the wall and watched her, and slowly, she made friends with it. She noticed that the stray cat seemed hungry, always willing to hang around and wait for her. One day, she decided to skim some of the cream off the top of the milk bottle and give it to the stray cat, outside the back door where her beloved "inside" cat wouldn't see. She didn't want her beloved cat to be jealous, and she didn't think it would hurt to give away some of the cream - her own cat would never notice the difference.

So every day, she skimmed a little of the cream off the top and gave it to the cat outside the back door, who was always there, waiting for more. Every day, the stray cat was there, waiting for his cream, and his coat began to take on a glossy look - he purred under her fingers and pushed his pink nose up to kiss her fingertips as if he was saying thank you. Eventually, she was skimming all the cream off the top and giving it to the outside cat.

But what was happening to the "inside cat"? Little by little, the inside cat was getting thinner and thinner. Since the woman was skimming the cream off the top, the inside cat was left with only the skim. He got thinner and thinner and hungrier and hungrier. He didn't understand what was happening, he only knew that his hunger pains were getting worse and worse, and he was fretful and frustrated, always asking for food that was nourishing, but which no longer came. His lovely woman no longer stroked him, or spent time combing his fur, which had become dull and rough to touch. Since he became more and more bad-tempered the hungrier he got, the woman liked him less and less. She looked at him and saw only an old, scrawny, pathetic, wheedling cat, who now scratched and bit when she tried to feed it.

"What's the matter with you anyway?" she yelled at it. "Ordinary milk not good enough for you? Always have to have cream, do you? You ought to be grateful you have a roof over your head and something to eat at all." And she flounced out into the garden, where the stray cat, now glossy and beautiful from all that cream, hopped into her lap and lapped up all her caresses.

See where this is leading? .... I wonder what happens to the "inside cat"? Maybe he decides to clear off and find a new mistress who will look after him better...its happened before. And is the woman still lovely? I don't think so.

LIR

Wow, what a great little story! Thank you for sharing.

Okay, I'm going to bet that headspinning doesn't have the nerve to write a reply to all of these posts. Is that her usual reaction? Post that question and disappear?

I'm just afraid we're wasting our breath, and that she's going to spend today emailing with OM, chatting on the phone, and going for yet another lunch, and avoiding reading any or all of our posts.

Headspinning, if you are reading this, please show us the common courtesy of acknowledging all the answers and personal stories we have posted. Whether or not you believe it, we are all worried about you. For some of us, it's like watching a page in our painful history being written again, and we'd do anything to rewrite it and have it lead to a happier, MARRIED ending.

Jen

i do believe you're right, jen. our headspinng might have vanished.