I am going to stick with it. I actually have only said 2 words to her in a week which were over the phone. I answered a question sprcifically and directly and then hung up. I stopped talking before she received the letter.
Her friend said that both times that the PBL was mentioned, my wife brought it up to her. I just FEEL like it is not working. Her friend told me that she is spending the whole weekend with OM at a couple events with his family and at a local festival. One that we used to attend with our kids. I have our kids this weekend. It just seems like it is not bothering her, that she dosn't really care if she is doing all of that with OM. How can you guys be so sure that she is feeling the way you think that she is, that she is feeling pain and that OM will LB her and she will be back? Just statistics or a sense from what she is saying, both? I'm just feeling very depressed. Star*fish, Mortarman, Mimi, everyone thanks for your time.

NW,

There is a manual for WS's. Seriously, there really is. If you read here awhile you will see/hear the same statements made word for word as your W is making. Yup, she is going out and having fun with OM, doesn't that just chap you hide? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But, she would be doing it whether or not your were in plan B. In fact, name one thing she wouldn't be doing whether or not you were in plan B other than having some contact with you. You cannot name them because she would and is doing precisely what she wants to do.

That is why Plan B is so important. It is to protect YOU from SOME of the pain and nonsense that is going on. Frankly, you would be better off NOT talking to your friend. It sort of like contact and it leads to your pain.

Right now your world consists of you, your job, and your children: stick to it. Her world consists of OM, her lies, and figuring out how to look NOT SO BAD.

MM is dead on. Not being in plan B would not change a thing except up your pain level. So quit worrying. This is either going to work or it is not. YOu cannot change your W's thinking. What you can do is husband your resources so that when this breaks up you MIGHT want to rebuild the marriage.

If she doesn't come out of the fog before you decide to move on, you have already gone through the withdrawal (that is what you are doing now, going through withdrawal), and your decisions will be clear, concise, and best for you and the children.

NW, the plan B, is the logical step no matter which way this works out. So deal with your withdrawal from your W, work on yourself, enjoy the heck out of your kids, and let life and nature take its course.

I would strongly recommend you stop talking to her friend right now. It is hurting you, and makes no difference.

Have faith NW, MM and others have been down this road very successfully. It can work, and it cannot hurt.

God Bless,

JL

AAhhhh...the great JL speaks!

Seriously, NW...listen to him. I didnt even cover the benefits to you. But JustLearning has. This is your time now. You are no longer under seige.

Now you asked if it was statistics, or what she was saying, or both. The answer is both. As JL said, there is a WS script. There really is nothing new under the sun. Your wife is under the influence of an affair and she will behave like an addict.

For awhile.

JL is right. You dont need intel about your wife right now. Tell this friend that for a little while, you would rather not know what is going on with her. Just trust the plan and go completely dark.

This will allow you to go through withdrawal easier. Once you are thru with withdrawal, you will be in a better position. How? Well, if she doesnt come back, you will get to the point where you do not love her anymore...and you will be able to go thru with the divorce with your head on straight...and start a new life.

If she comes back, you will be strong. She wont be able to hold things over your head. You will be negotiating from a position of strength. You wont just accept her home...she will have to earn it. You wont be a blithering idiot, crying and pleading. Instead, you will be confident and somewhat aloof. She will see that you have prepared yourself for a life without her. And that she had better work hard at reconciliation and not just make demands, if she wants to keep you.

NW...it is ALL good right now! You being alone is good. Withdrawal will go away over the next few weeks. You will build confidence and be better prepared for whatever future comes out of this.

In the meantime, JL is right. They would have spent the time together anyway. But now, I can guarantee you that it isnt going to be like it would have been when the fantasy was on. This Plan B is going to put a cloud over the weekend. In the back of her mind, she will be missing you. She will smile and have fun with her OM and his family. Shoot, two weeks after I went to a full Plan B, my wife headed off over Christmas to Florida with the OM to meet his family. Four weeks later, she was at my door wanting to talk reconciliation.

You MUST trust the plan. Trust that you will be okay, that this is the best thing for you. Even if your wife doesnt come back. And then trust the statistics. Trust what everyone has experienced. Trust the experts like the Harleys. Trust God.

If you will do this, you will find that her going to a weekend with his family will end up being the BEST thing that could happen. The fantasy will no longer be a fantasy.

NW...I understand how you feel. Just 7 months ago, I was saying the exact same things on here. But those that were advising me at the time were right. And in the end, our marriage is the better for it.

Keep coming here to vent. But go live your life. Treat yourself during this withdrawal. Look and study the withdrawal. Why? Because when your wife comes home, she will go through withdrawal. And this will allow you to truly understand what she will be going through.

Hang tough. Smile. Even laugh at your wife. She is fighting the laws of relationships. And just as if she was fighting the law of gravity, no matter how hard she jumps, she will not launch herself to the moon.

In His arms.

I just need to vent here a little guys. As you know I communicate with her friend, usually by email. I know that I need to stop that but anyway she sent me a message to be strong and try to be happy and I replied that I have ben strong for 6 months but that I am beginning to have an increasingly hard time handling this ordeal. She sent me a tough love response telling me that I have handled it for this long and to try and cheer up etc... The part below in quotations I cut and pasted from the message. Although the words read well, actions speak louder then words. I wonder when "someday" is? I am feeling very depressed, having trouble sleeping and I know that she spent the whole weekend with OM. I can't focus on anything else. I just FEEL like plan B will cause her to look to OM as the only one who cares or who is the only one there for her. Normally she would have called by now looking for me to give her her cake back and she hasn't. I wonder why. I would not have given in but I would feel encouraged if she at least tried like she has in the past when I just cut her off without a plan B letter. I think that made her worry more because she didn't know what I was doing. I wonder if she is beginning to worry now? I know that things don't change overnight, I guess I'm just looking for thoughts on the quote below and some encouragement.

"Just think, although she has been with him, she has been feeling emotion and expressing emotion for you at various times and many times. You know that. To put it bluntly, she may be with him in a sense, but she has been thinking and feeling and quite a bit I might add, about you. She has even commented about you two getting back together someday by saying, if XXXXX and I are going to get back together then it will happen and mentioning that someday the two of you will be together."

Sorry NW but her friend's e-mail is not very helpful because the reality is that your WW is still having the affair because there has been no reason why she should give it up, and your fear of implementing Plan B is feeding her affair not starving it. Your marriage is in the emergency room fighting for its life requiring a potentially risky but life saving operation, and you are hesistant to allow the operation because of ther risk but forgetting that without the surgery it will die anyway. Your fear is your greatest enemy right now.

TMCM,
I have implemented it and I am sticking to it. I have not waivered. My doubts, worries, and concerns are known only to myself and you guys here on MB.
now what

Now What,

Hang in there. I'm in the same boat as you but differant seat.

My wife confessed and left 4 months ago and when her married affair partner dumped her 5 weeks ago she went no-contact on me. She needed space, I needed to move on, etc, etc. A reverse plan "B" if you will.

Well the first week was pure hell. Its now week 5 and I feel much better now than then. Each week gets better, almost like I'm comming out of my own fog.

Hang tough. The adivce on this board is great.

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I did not believe the folks here either but it does get better.

I continue to have the thoughts that my WS is getting more involved with the OW. I guess what else can we think. However, truth is, we have to be confident that our WSes are missing us to some extent. Its hard to have that confidence given the abandonment. Just keep teling yourself this when the negative thoughts come in.

Also it has really helped me to find out what activities keep my mind off of my WS. It can be simple things. For me, flower gardening and working logic puzzles are a couple of things that work. Other pastimes, such as looking at TV, don't work for me at all. It's true that it's best to stay busy.

I also remind myself that PLAN B is the only option for reconciliation. Contact will enable the A, making it last forever. Also, although there's the pain of withdrawal from the WS, it is better not to have the A up in your face. In retrospect, that was more painful and anxiety-producing for me.

We have suffered a MAJOR TRAUMA and it won't be easy for us to personally recover. I've accepted that I will never be the same. I've decided, though, that I want to be better. So that if my WS does come back, I will be able to better withstand the process of recovery. Also, not only will I be a better person, I will be a better wife.

Take Care. You are not in this alone. I hope it helps to know that someone understands exactly how you are feeling.

Thanks. I guess that I am experiencing withdrawl from her. This is the longest I have gone without seeing or speaking to her in over 11 years. Do you think that she is feeling the pain too?

I also heard today from a reliable source that her and OM had a relationship going on/developing for a year or more before she left which is quite a bit longer then I had known or she admitted to me. I'm afraid that their relationship is stronger and probably more serious then I thought since it has been developing for so long. A friend of mine and his girlfriend were out this weekend at a local bar(we used to do things together with this couple) and she walked right up to them and talked like nothing was wrong. OM stayed back away from them until she was finished talking and then they went to a different part of the bar.

I just get so confused and can't understand why she won't return and try after all that she tells her friend. All of her doubts, emotions and feelings that waiver back and forth.

NW,

I wish I could offer you the map of the future. But I cannot. Here is what I think, and believe from everything I have seen on this site. Have you ever been to a silent auction? You find something you like, but you only have so many bucks you can spend. You put the amount down and you HOPE it is enough.

Well, you are in a silent auction. You have put down ALL you have NW. There is nothing else to give. The only thing to do know is wait for the gavel to hit and the auctioneer to say "Sold to... for." The difference here is the auctioneer talks very very slooooooow.

You can do nothing to rush this. You can do nothing to help this. You have put in your bid. So work your way through your withdrawal, start to develop a life, and wait until the auctioneer speaks. It will be awhile. OM has to LB the credits down in her Love Bank and that may take awhile, especially if this has been going on for a year or so.

So the watch words are Time and Patience. You have done all you can do now. Just just develop your strength for the decisions ahead.

God Bless,
JL

^^^bump^^^

NW-

It's working.

I have a CPR training class until 1pm EST. I will elaborate on my ideas then.

One thought for you-

It's been the longest that she has heard from you too. This is hurting her ten times as much.

Hugs-

Kily,

Thanks Kily. Also what's your take on the post just above TMCM, particularly the friend's comments in quotations.

How do you know it's working or that she is feeling the pain?

Thanks. NW

NW-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Just think, although she has been with him, she has been feeling emotion and expressing emotion for you at various times and many times. You know that. To put it bluntly, she may be with him in a sense, but she has been thinking and feeling and quite a bit I might add, about you. She has even commented about you two getting back together someday by saying, if XXXXX and I are going to get back together then it will happen and mentioning that someday the two of you will be together." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Based on this I can only say that she is definately on the fence because she is "with" him but thinking of you. It's a very true statement about the WS thought process. There is no doubt in my mind that she is struggling with her fantasy world and the reality of what her life was before she ran from it. It's all a part of that fog.

THe commenting about you two getting back together someday is encouraging, but it tells me that your wife is not really accepting responsibility for what she's done yet. How I read that (from the Ws's fog perspective) is - I will stay with Om and when that breaks apart, then I will be able to return to H.

She's still in denial that you don't plan to be there. She hasn't yet realized that her safety net is now gone. This will happen very soon because she is feeling the same thigns you are. She's afraid, hurting, and turnig to Om for comfort. What she hasn't realized is that OM can't fill your shoes and she will start to miss what you used to provide for her....

Just have faith - realize that you are in withdrawal. She is too. No matter what though, do not provide any type of comfort for her right now - NC!

Do what you have to to get through this. You are doing so well...

If you need more insight and I'm not on the boards, you can contact me at Kily_MB@hotmail.com
I've tried to cut back on my time here for a while and may not be here when you need a point if view.

Bless you-

Thanks everyone, Mimi, JL, Kily, Mortarman, TMCM. I appreciate your thoughts and opinions. Kily I will likely email you. I have two different accounts and one of them is a yahoo mail that will appear a ANONYMOUS when you receive it. One I can access at work during the day and the other is my home one. I may send from both. Thanks again.

Now What

Well she called my home phone and cell phone tonight. She left a message on my home phone wanting to know when the sale of our house will be final (because she is buying her own as I am) mentioned that she noticed that I changed her address with the postal service(from ours which she never did), wanted to know if she had any mail and wanted to know if I can take our kids two days for her in August. She commented a couple times that she is obiding by my letter, didn't mean to bother me, that I can call her if I want or write a note. She didn't sound as depressed, she sounded like she didn't care.

^^^bump^^^

You have mail.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She commented a couple times that she is obiding by my letter, didn't mean to bother me, that I can call her if I want or write a note. She didn't sound as depressed, she sounded like she didn't care.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Many times it's very hard to read,with any degree of certainty, how a person really sounds over the phone. Remember that there are more days ahead of this one.

Our attorney just called and informed me that the sale of our house will take place this Friday. I asked him if I had to be present and he told me that I did not, that I could sign serperatly from WS. However I am so full of emotion, I am in my office at work crying and shaking right now.

This will happen again while I sign the papers, should I go there and let her see me like this. I want her to see me in this much anquish. It will get to her.