Ok guys as you know I had my first court hearing today.

You will never believe what happened, I'm in shock my self.

Well woke up early today, got dressed, fixed my hair (put my boxing golves on )and was ready to go!!! (Look really good too.) As I was driving to the courthouse I said a prayer, that the Lord give the strength to do this with out CRYING!! Well anyways I got there and as soon as I got to the court room I saw my WH. Walked over to him looking very confident and ready to do this. I sat next to him and we talked. I was very civil. He asked how I was, how the kids were and my family. Talked about all this for about 5 min. Then told him I was going inside the court room to wait inside. So I left and sat inside the court room.

Not even five min. later my WH came in and asked if he could sit next to me and I said yes. He starts saying that he didn't think that it would go this far and that if this is what I really wanted. I said that I didn't like my life the way it was for the past 7 months.

Then he starts saying that when this is all over and finalized that if we decided that we made a mistake that maybe we could try to work things out. And I said," X look I don't know if we can work this out, I don't know what lies ahead." Thats when he just came out and said that he didn't want to do this. I told him that I didn't want to live my life like this anymore. And he said that he would leave her (OW) to work it out.

I was like WHAT?? Total shock to me. I didn't expect to hear him say those words to me.

I told him look, I don't know whether to believe you or not, you've said this before, how do I know if you're telling me the truth or not. How do I know you're not lying. He said that he would prove it to me. He says that he'll leave her and move out.

Well anyways, our lawyers were discussing the amount of Child support he'll be giving and visitations for the kids, etc.

My H said he had to go for some training and his lawyer said it was ok for him to leave. He looked at me and told me that he was serious about wanting to work this out and he wasn't lying. He says he's gonna prove it to me. Gave me a kiss on the cheek and said I love you. And left.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

OH MY GOD!!! I actually had a dream that he would do this!!! Isn't that ironic.

What do I do? We still went through with the temporary orders.

This is something that i wished and prayed for and it actually happened. Now I'm scared, I don't know whether I believe him or not. What do you all think?

Oh and by the way, He dismissed the divorce on his part. My mom told me I got a letter in the mail today and she read it to me.

<small>[ June 26, 2003, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

STBXW- Well OK good for you - I don't know what to tell you - other than follow your heart and do what is right for you and your children - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - This could be great but don't settle for a little - I am thinking he has to really prove himself... Good luck to you I will say a pray for your reconciliation... Maybe he really did wake up finally .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

STBX-

Wow, that's some good news for you eh? I'd recommend sticking with some clearly defined boundaries and let him prove to you that he's serious. First and foremost of course is the NC letter to the OW, and all the follow up that entails. Don't let him yank your chain, let him prove it to you....Good luck!

Dear STBXwife, Wonderful! Isn't it amazing to see your prayers being answered? Welcome aboard the Recovery Train.I wish for you the best. kk

I'm praying for you.

It really must feel like a dream...

Make him work for it. He must stay true to his word. Call Steve H. to help. Don't do this alone.

Hugs

Sounds great! I would definitely sit down and POJA on a joint recovery plan before committing to anything.

STBX:

Sounds Great!! However, I echo the others when I say - don't do this alone.

I know Mortarman and so many others have been where you are - on the brink of D and then worked it out. Read his posts.

I even think a call to the Harley's would be in order!

Good luck.
DB

Ok maybe my WH is clearing through the fog. I don't know. I don't want to be overly excited about this. I want him to prove it to me that he will change and leave the OW.

How should I handle this? Should I tell him what it is that I want from him? Should we talk about what needs to be done? Should I wait till he does leave her to talk about US?

What are the steps that I should take?

Anyone has advice on this?

I never gave him a Plan b letter so don't know how to handle the situation?

WOW!!!

All I can say.

I would set up a time to talk to him when you can both talk without interruptions. I would print out the MB recovery principles and ideas for a recovery plan. (i.e., NC, IC, MC agree to MB principles, etc.).

I would tell him these are your ideas, then ask him what his are. Make sure you are both clear on what your view of recovery and what you both think recovered means. Make sure you have the conversation without LB's!

Bottom Line: You both have to POJA on a plan that you both feel is good.

WARNING! Before you take him back PLEASE READ Cerri's response to StillHereMakingIt on her thread titled Is it fair to ask for terms to return home from FWH after Plan B??? for if you don't you may be setting yourself up for a false recovery.

STBXwife, You are in my prayers. I wish you the best...I wish that happen to me too..You know I used to imagine that Blah would return home as like d_rose's..we can only hope for the best(prepare for the worst, on my part!) Don't we all want our Ms to work and be happy. Good luck.

STBXW, wow....I've been following your story. I'm shocked. Just want to say, be careful! Someone else said, cakeman. I agree. becareful!

good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Need advice and opinions.

I think we should set a date like, forevertogether said I should, so that we can talk about our plans of recovery.

Do I suggest it or wait till he asks me when we should talk?

I think Sunday is a good day to do this. My in-laws can have the kids all day so we don't have inturruptions and we can go somewhere to go talk.

First and Foremost this is what I NEED him to do
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Move out of her house.
  Write a NC letter and let me read it before it is sent.
  Agree to counceling.
  Absolutely NC with OW or her friends.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this is reasonable. right?
Gosh, my mind is racing with all the things that we need to discuss but I don't want to discuss all this in one day. Too overwhelming!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Is there some one out there that can help me make a list of steps that should be taken for recovery? My mind is going into overdrive!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't know what your "gotta happen first" list will look like. Here is what I can remember about mine..... no particular order.

> Confess to Priest
> Confess to OW's husband himself
> Get STD testing
> Tell me immediately about any attempted contact
> Keep a diary of all money he spent (this was a big problem with him)
> Go to IC first, then joint counceling when the IC said it was time
> Stop contact with his one male friend who encouraged my H's affair (said crap like, "You deserve to have some extra attention. It doesn't hurt anybody.")
> Go to AA and remain sober

..... That's all I can remember right now. he did all of this with very little grumbling.

Make a list of every conceivable thing you can think of ..... for yourself. And then work the list until it is not humungous and not impossible. I do think you can include impossible on the original list .... just so you brainstorm everything. At first, don't censor yourself .... then work it out.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I echo TOOMUCHCOFFEE, maw, litchfield, and the rest. dazedblonde is right as well. Call the Harleys, get their coaching.

Since you've been using MB principles, and so far it seems to have helped, it would be smart and a good investment in your life to do joint counseling with them. I'm envious for your success.

To echo others again, don't cave, don't "make it easy" for him, because he won't value the recovery of your marriage and his family. We don't value and protect what comes free or cheap.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bellevue:

"...don't cave, don't "make it easy" for him, because he won't value the recovery of your marriage and his family. We don't value and protect what comes free or cheap."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Truer words have never been written.

WAIT WAIT WAIT. Shouldn't she be waiting for HIM TO CONTACT HER! He said he wants back in the relationship so he should be do the contacting. If you call him now asking "when", is not going to work. He has to do all of the work, he may see it as you pressuring him, and that could drive him even further away. But yes, you should be ready with your list of how to get the marriage back on track and boundaries not to cross. But YOUR initiating contact to meet and discuss the future should not be done at all. He may have been all talk due to the court date. Just sit back and wait until he starts proving what he said. DO NOT CONTACT HIM!

trying2_4give,
I think you're right. I was just really glad that he said that he wanted to work things out. But I think maybe I should hold back. If he really wants it to work he has to work at it.

Ok, I'll wait till he wants to talk about it. I won't even mention anything. I'll continue doing what I have been.

I guess I should play it "cool". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

When we were in court yesterday he asked me for my new cell phone # and I gave it to him. And he has started to call me more often. I've started to be a little nicer to him.

But you know I'm confused! In plan b you don't talk or talk only about what is nessasary like about the kids. Now that he has said that he wants to work it out, should I still be NOT talking to him or be talking to him more? What if he doesn't leave the OW (cake eater)? How do I handle the phone calls?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by STBXWife:

But you know I'm confused! In plan b you don't talk or talk only about what is nessasary like about the kids. Now that he has said that he wants to work it out, should I still be NOT talking to him or be talking to him more? What if he doesn't leave the OW (cake eater)? How do I handle the phone calls?[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he contacts you about about reconciliation, then you have to set the conditions for him to achieve before you accept him back into your home. If all he wants to do is dance around the issue and not commit to do anything MB recommends, then he is doing nothing more than trying to still have the best of both worlds (cake eating) and you can then tell him to please not contact you unless its about the children or until he is serious about meeting your conditions for reconciliation.