I'm really shaking like a leaf right now.

I just spoke to my WH on the phone right now. I told him that I need to say something to him.

I started by telling him:

"Look yesterday you said that you wanted to work things out and you know how I feel about that. But before we can really start talking again I need you to do something for me. I need you to commit to the marriage 100%, I need you to move out of her house and I need you to have NC with her. Until then I don't think we should talk on the phone unless it is about the kids."

He said:

"Yes I do want to work it out. I don't want to go the route were going right now. I understand and I know I have to leave. When I leave it's over between me and her. I understand and OK."

Did I do good? Was that what was needed to be said?

Gosh I'm shaking like a leaf! I hope this works!
Please everyone pray for my marriage!!

Thanks everyone for your support and advice!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

STBeXW,

You did very well. I think you are about to discover something pretty startling. If you convey your messages to him clearly, concisely, and with little emotion, he will understand them, and often respond positively to them.

He has some very hard things to do now: Leave OW, admit he was wrong, and face the music. Your boundaries should be clear as Coffeeman and others have said, but they should also be fair.

So far you have done a great job. Listen if he wants to come back he is going to need a lot of help from you, and the biggest help is to be clear in your communications, and honest in what you say. Sounds odd doesn't it? I am mentioning honesty to you, but you will have many mixed emotions and sorting them out will not be easy for you. So first you will have to be honest with yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there, you are doing well.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Great job!

stbxw,

Good job! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This will be hard for you and him. Be patient. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart for both of you.

Hugz,
L.

I LOVE reading threads like this one!

Blessings to you, STBex-NOT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Me too, I love reading these kind of posts!

You are in the Catbird Seat, I think. Just sit, wait, and spend your energy on being good to yourself.

Let him do the chasing. No phone calls from you to check on steps he's taking, and no status checks on his recovery steps if he calls you.

He wants you back! Enjoy this victory.

Hi guys!!

Well I'm being very patient about things. As far as I know he hasn't moved out of the OW home. He is a cake eater. I'm glad that I told him that we shouldn't talk unless he was committed 100% to the marriage and until he leaves the OW.

Prior to me telling him this he called me several times on that day and the next.

But you know, he has this crazy idea that I'm seeing someone!! I really don't know why but I've told him that I'm not. (was this the right thing to say?)

But I truely believe that he is realizing what he's losing. When we were in the courtroom he was telling me that he would see the OW neices and nephews running around the house and he would think to himself "what am I doing here?, I should be watching my kids run around the house."

He also told me that he's been fighting alot with the OW. He feels like the relationship is going no where. According to what he told me, he's told her that he doesn't think that their relationship will work. And she says that they can try to make it work. (who's begging and pleading now!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) And she told him that if he leaves the house it's over between them.

Well this all came from his mouth, whether it's true or not, who knows.

I will proceed with the D UNLESS he proves to me that he wants to work it out by actually doing something about it and not just talking about it.

Continuue to play it cool, although I know I'd find it difficult myself under these circumstances!!
I'll be praying for you and following!

WH: "Are you seeing someone else?"

STBXW: "I am still married to you."

WH: "But, are you interested in another man?"

STBXW: "I am still married to you."

..... get it? Answer simply by stating a fact he should have noticed. No LB, no playing games.

This is a good tool to use when answering WS -babble and wobbly-thinking.

Pep

Well when he said he wanted to work things out and that he was serious and not lying, I thought this would be soon.

It's been 4 days since he seemed to want to work things out.

I'm praying that he was serious about wanting to work it out!

What can I do but, go on with this divorce and life.

His words don't mean much to me. I want him to do something about it. The sooner the better.

I feel stronger than ever and have some satisfaction knowing that he's having doubts about his relationship with the OW and wanting to come back to the marriage.

I really don't know what he's thinking. Or what is taking him so long to leave. I feel like he's afraid to leave the OW.

In my heart I know it will happen, he'll leave her, just want it to happen now. I'm trying to be very patient!

I always said to myself "he'll be back". And I know in my heart he'll be back. I have faith that God will make it happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When he leaves her (I agree, it's sooner or later going to happen), he's going to be pretty messed up.

So, for now, why not build up your immune system's reserves by flooding your brain with pleasurable sensations?

Pleasure your senses. Play with your sensuality. Experiment with things like scents, oils, music, art, food, ..... take pleasure in your own mind, your own body.

Get acquainted with loving yourself .... in all sorts of ways. (Yes, I AM refering to what you think I'm refering to .... and beyond that!)

Use this time to explore your private secret self, and to push your ability to experience all the beauty around you and inside you.

Love, admire and appreciate yourself every single day ... regardless of your H's state of mind.

He will do what he will do when he will do it.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch .... you are pushing your own envelope and making new discoveries about your sensual side.

It might be fun, interesting, and also liberating. Your H will notice a change when he sees you next.

Have fun .... having fun is not against the law! You're allowed! LOL!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Well it's day #5. And nothing. What must being going through his head? I wonder if they're still fighting alot.

Still waiting for him to PROVE IT!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well it's day #5. And nothing. What must being going through his head? I wonder if they're still fighting alot.

Still waiting for him to PROVE IT!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Get yourself out of the mode of WS WS WS! (I know easier said than done). Refocus back on YOU! Continue doing what you were doing before he came to you with his promises and wants at court.

Trying24give,

I am!!! Really I am. I going on with my life as if he's not coming back. This is the only place that I can vent.

Beleive me, I'm still doing the things that I was doing prior to him saying that he wanted to work things out. I'm still going out w/ friends, still working out, etc. I feel really good about myself!!! I look good too!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But here I can vent about my problems, like WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG!!!???!!!, WHAT'S THE DEAL???!!??? HURRY UP!!!!!

You see what I mean, it's not that I'm looking at myself and feeling sorry for myself.

I just want to be able to type out whatever I'm feeling at the moment, what's in my heart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

STBX -

I like that you posted this on both discussion boards. It is interesting seeing the different perspectives.

I think WH may be testing you to see if you mean what you say.

I also have a feeling that he hasn't said anything to OW yet because I think you might have felt the ripples if that had occurred. But....he may be setting the stage for a break up. Who knows? I really wanted my WH to say to OW, "I hate you. I wish I never met you. I love my wife and I was crazy to ever leave her for you, you crazy witch." But he didn't and wouldn't because of many different reasons. You can't know if/when or how the break up will or will not occur.

I think you have made it clear that you will continue on with the divorce unless you see action on his part. You must maintain this stance. Move forward just like you're doing. He will eventually notice that you're not making any moves and will say "What's up?" You say, "I made my feelings clear about what I need from you in order to try again. Have you done anything yet?"

Stay strong and keep doing what you're doing. You are terrific for keeping your head together through this and vent, vent, vent here as you need to so that you don't do it to him.

Hi dueinjan,

How are you doing? How is plan b going for you? Is your WH still coming around?

Keep me posted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I keep thinking
"What's going on in his head? What is he feeling? Will he leave her? Is she LB enough for him to leave her? Is he feeling that he REALLY wants his marriage back?"

I wish I knew what was going on, if anything is going on.

Can any WS tell me how they felt when they wanted to go back to their marriage and end it with the OW?

I keep thinking to myself, I think he really misses me and the kids. But then I think, he really doesn't want to let her go.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well yesterday right before I left work a recieved a call for WH.

He said that he just wanted to thank me for letting him spend some time with our 4 mo. old daughter on Sunday.

My in-laws took both kids after church so that they can spend some time with them.

He said that he had a lot of fun with her and that she's beautiful.

I really didn't say much just listened to what he had to say.

Then he says this before we hung up:
"Well I guess I'll let you go, I wish I could talk to you longer but I can't. But maybe someday, I have your cell number. ok?"

I really don't know what he's thinking!!! Darn,
sometimes I wish that I didn't have to talk to him at all!!! Even about the kids, b/c then he says something that gets me thinking. ARRRGG!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I hate this. I do really good when I don't talk to him then he calls says something that confuses the hell out of me then I start feeling down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I felt like crying on my way home after work just b/c of this stupid comment that he made which may not mean a thing. But I can't help thinking like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sorry, just had to Vent!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He thinks he's bought himself some more time...and quite frankly he's trying to string you along. DO NOT let him EASE out of this by making things comfortable for him. Go back to a staunch Plan B and continue the divorce. If he were REALLY ready to pull out of the fog, he'd do it. When I asked hubby for one last shot...just a couple of weeks before the divorce was to be final...I put wheels in to motion, no matter how scary it was. Your husband is still spinning his.

So sorry you're having to go through this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />