I’m new here and not sure if this is the correct forum to put this in- I apologize if it’s the wrong spot.
OK-
I’m a fit, said to be attractive, 26 year old woman- married for under 2 years. I am a very affectionate person, and unfortunately, my husband is not. He dislikes sex, (I am lucky if we engage once a month) and even small gestures like a kiss (even the peck kind). If I lean in to kiss him he will turn his face or even make a face like “ewww” <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I’ve tried things like talking about it, not talking about it, wearing sexy things, wearing nothing, massages, foot rubs, ect… He’ll just say “Oh, jeeze, put your clothes back on, we’re not having sex.” Or, “you’re like a dog, why do you want to have sex all the time?!” (Which is really not the case, as after being rejected so much I hardly even try anymore) I have asked him if he would be willing to go see a doctor or a counselor and the answer is no on both accounts.

Attention starved, I went about things the completely wrong way. I met with an X-BF and after too many cocktails and him telling me how wonderful I am (yadda, yadda, yadda) we ended up having sex.

This was definitely not something I want to continue. I hate myself for this. It’s not who I am. I love my husband- Even as I was driving home, all I could think about was that I wished that I could have that type of intimacy with him. I truly love him so much, and I want to be close with him in that way.

And now I’m a cheater. Wow. Can someone tell me what to do?

In no particular order a few things come to mind.

1. Avoid one on one contact with all men, especially any ex relationships, and shame on your ex-bf for taking advantage of your emotional distress.....he is unhealthy for your well-being, and obviously is only out for himself, you were used. Do not have discussions of marital problems with anyone but your H, close family, counsellors etc.

2. Read everything here, it will help you understand why you were vulnerable to attention.

3. After a short period of study, introspection, plan an appropriate time, and tell your H the truth. This will put your marriage into crisis, but that is where it allready is, he just doesn't know it, and deserves to be fully informed. Only in crisis will the real problems be revealed, and dealt with (either recovery or divorce). Otherwise the marriage is a sham, and will not be a healthy place for either of you. Although people live lifetimes like this, I have never really understood why. If you cannot be safe, nurturing for each other there is little reason to be married.

4. Do not get pregnant until your marriage is fully resolved. Last thing needed is to have the enormous additional issue of a child in the mix.

5. Your age, brevity of marriage, and H lack of sexual interest in you is a glaring question mark. Why in the world did you get married in the first place, something makes no sense here.

6. The little info provided suggests a power struggle, you want things, and rather than meet your needs, he feels pressured, so retreats, making you more upset, neglected and such..a vicious cycle, needing intervention to stop.

7. Yes you cheated, and you need to understand how and why you made that choice, so as not to do it again (by realizing it is a poor coping strategy, and now recognizing how easy it is to be vulnerable). But no need to dwell on it (in the sense of guilt, or make it the defining issue in your life), or beat yourself up, what is done is done, learn and move on from that and focus on the real issue, the dysfunctional marriage.

Dinah...welcome to marriage builders

Your husbands responses to you...uggghhhh...just so painful....to associate your sexuality to a dog....jeez what a blow,,,,

Well here comes the other side though...REGARDLESS of your husbands reaction....it does not justify an affair...and you will have to wrestle with that demon for a while...
Take responsibility for your own actions...

It doesn't sound like you are invested much emotionally in the old boyfriend....and certainly seem remorseful which is a good thing...

In some ways your husband is also in breach of vows....he vowed to honor and cherish you...and it his responsibility as well to be attentive to you and your needs....not degrade you for perfectly acceptable and loving behavior...

You need to go to counseling NOW TODAY regardless of his willingness....tell him you are going...that you want him to go....
Also how does in he treat you in other areas...is he kind considerate...does he put you down over other things as well...

Also have you told your husband what a SERIOUS issue this is (his treatment of you)...I mean does he/you want children??

There are a lot of people that think that immediate disclosure is essential....
and seek out and hear there opinions...
my suggestion is to get counseling guidance on this first....ONLY because his issues and treatment of your sexuality in my opinion is just as significant and damaging as an affair...

NOT EQUAL in any sense of justifying your own actions....but definately require him to decide that HIS issue HAS to change if he desires a long term partnership of a marriage...with you

disclosure now of your infidelity...could totally derail his need to look at any of his own behavior and turn all accusations and "badness" on you...
BUT on the other hand...disclosure has been known to scare the stuffin out of someone and is the exact wake up call required to shake someone to the core.....

That's why I would say get a really really good pro-marriage couselor and start there....

was he affectionate prior to marriage...if you had premarital sex...what was it like...

As for the ex-boyfriend you need to go complete no contact with him....never ever talk or see him again...

ARK

Dear Dinah_S

Welcome to the MB board. I am a BS (betrayed spouse) and the main reason that my WH (wayward husband) had an affair was because of the lack of affection and sex in our marriage. He is and has always been a very physical person and I have been brought up with practically no physical warmth and contact all of my life, before I met him.

This does not however mean that I am not a pyhsical, affectionate and passionate woman. I am all of that. The beginning of our relationship proved that. But of course when every day set in, I had the tendency to fall back on the pattern of my life, what I was used to - that being no hugs, cuddles,kisses,physical contact...

Because my WH was used to nothing else he "overdosed" me with his affection so I could not handle it anymore. Everytime he touched me or kissed me I expected he wanted to go to bed with me. (which he did I might add).This created a lot of pressure on me,because he did not understand that to take me to where he was,he needed to go slow.

Of course back then I was not mature enough to understand all of this, so it ended up with my WH feeling neglected, unattractive, which in turn lead to him not trying anymore (in order to avoid getting hurt). We then started to live our lives in a bad cycle. Occasionally having sex and contact, but no where near as much as my husband needed to feel fulfilled. This also lead to me feeling as though my H was no interested in me anymore, before he showered me with attention and then he decided to stop.

This bad cycle lead to his affair (or at least it was the contributing factor). Deep down I knew I did him wrong (though this was no excuse to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere). But when I found out about his affair everything in our marriage changed. I changed. I opened up to him and told him why I had acted as I did. How much I could not stand it that he pushed me to be like him. The why´s behind that.

We became close to each other again. But not only that, I have learned that my need for affection, sexual fulfillment and physical cuddlys is a lot more than I ever thought it to be. Is just as great as his, and it took me an affair to realize it.

I can read from your message that your marriage is not just about sex and kissing. Because you say that you love your H and that you want your marriage to work. He is obviously doing something right. But he is also doing something wrong. Which also means that you are probably doing something wrong too.

My suggestion to you is to take a heart to heart discussion and to tell him that you cannot live like this anymore. I would start out by telling him about everything you appreciate and love in him, but also that some of his actions make you so unhappy that you are afraid that you cannot handle it anymore. I would be really honest and specific. Ask him what he feels you are doing wrong. Don´t make him take a defensive attitude, that he feels you are attacking him.

I am not wise enough to say whether you should tell him about the affair.It sounds like it did not mean anything to you and your H means more. I would not think it would be fair and right to make him hurt because of the actions you have taken. Especially since you have obviously not given him a fair chance to make a choice, or have a say.

Harleys "his needs, her needs" is a viable book for you. Counselling sounds like a must, because your husbands lack of interest in any physical attention may probably have nothing to do with you.He may have underlying issues from his past that he just has not dealt with.

Sorry if this seems like a lot of babble. Since you are new here and a "cheater" you will get a lot of advice both good and bad and sometimes downright hurtful. But as I see it none of us have the right to judge, this board is for helping all that ask and need it and want to make a better marriage.

Take care
queen

Dinah_S,

I am curious; you have not been married very long. What was your physical relationship like with your husband before you married and right after? What it like this? It is changed, when did it change?

My ex-h became much like your husband over time. In the 7th year of our marriage he announced that he would never touch me again. He kept his promise. I have a very strong sex drive so this was very hurtful to me. I think he choose this as a way to ‘punish’ me because he knew how much it meant to me. I divorced him after 14 years of marriage… so there were 7 dry years.

What I found out is that during those last 7 years it was not that he had lost his desire for SF (sexual fulfillment) it’s that it was getting elsewhere, with anyone who would give it to him. He did not have to work on our marriage because there were too many women out there willing to help him out.

He also said awful things as your husband has been doing. I gave our marriage far too long. If SF is important to you then do not let that happen to you. It hurts too much and it robs you of something you really need to be you. The main reason I stayed so long when it became evident that he was going to keep his promise about no SF was that I had a son.. I had to get his permission to move out with our son. I filed for divorce in 1992. The judge would not allow me to have custody of my son because I was leaving the ‘good doctor’. So I bid my time.. in late 1996 he told me I could take my son if it was the only way I’d leave. So I did.

I’m not going to harp on the affair. You know it’s wrong and you know why you did it. The right thing to do is to end the affair, have absolutely no contact, tell your husband about the affair, ask him to join you here on MB and work on your marriage. But set a time limit.. say 6 months to a year. If in that time your husband and not become a kinder, more loving, more physical man then my advice is to end your marriage. End it before you have children. Don’t do this to yourself. You are young and have a long life ahead of you. You deserve and need better.

One thing is that when he says things like comparing you to a dog… do not let it into your soul. That’s about him not you. Just look at him and tell him that comments like that are very telling about what is going on inside of “him”. They have nothing what so ever to do with you. You have to stand up to him on this. I did not with my H, I let the words cut too deeply when I should have just held the mirror up for him to look into his own soul.

The concept of radical honesty is at the root of MB. You have to tell your H because he has the right to know. And because he will not realize the crisis your marriage is in if you do not tell him. Then if he does not respond with the urgency needed here then you will only have yourself to blame.

Do keep us posted on how things are going.

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

Thank you everyone for your support and words of advise, it is very much appreciated.
To answer your questions-
When we were dating, our SL was above average. About 6 months before the wedding is when his SD plummeted, but I attributed it to pre-wedding stress. It has gotten worse since then. He says he just doesn’t like it anymore. He does tend to lash out when he feels threatened, which is probably why he says the mean things he does- I don’t think he is a bad person... But I have tried so hard to talk to him about it- JUST talk, not accuse, argue, etc- But as soon as it comes up he freaks and turns mean... It's frustrating.

I'm not sure what the best way to handle ending contact with X-BF is. I read here a letter is best- is that true? I really and truly have no desire to see him again- it makes me sick to even think about him. Any suggestions? Is it wrong that I feel badly that I might hurt his feelings though? I don’t know if he’ll care or not, but I hate hurting people.

As for telling my DH, I'm not ready to yet. I have been making inquiries as to finding some sort of counseling, as recommended here and I hope that person can help me through that process. I'm very, very scared. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks again.
Dinah

Are you scared he will hurt you? Has their been any physical abuse at all b4 or after marriage? There is something in your tone that sounds like there might be. If so, then you need more help than this board can give, seek out a womens shelter they will have resources to advise/help you with. I hope this is off the mark, but just in case wanted to ask.

If it is simply the relationship that you are scared of losing, then realize it is allready lost, until you can be honest about everything, there is not, and will never be any relationship, just living together is all. But certainly take a little time to think, and finding a good counsellor is advised too...but what if he won't participate? Then you tell and let the cards fall where they will, at least you will have done the only thing one can to end an affair, reveal it...if you keep it a secret the affair lasts a lifetime. The only exception is if you do not want the marriage, then file for divorce and keep your own counsel, there is no obligation to tell.

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

the first thing i thought of when you mentioned that your husband once had a healthy sex drive but has evaporated is depression. depression manifests itself differently in different people sometime, but hearing that he lost his sex drive combined with the irritability factor ... i've been there. i could be wrong as i'm just an armchair shrink. it might be something to look into.

sufdb- no, no physical abuse- I re-read my post and see how that could have come accross like that- He grabbed my face and shook me once, but that was nearly a year ago- I would not consider it abuse, or him physically abusive- he is a big baby most of the time. Thank you though, I do appreciate the concern. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
What you said about getting it out makes sense- I do plan on telling him- I just cant yet. I dont know if he will participate i counciling- I've mentioned it before, and he said no- But now I'm going to go with or without him- I'm kind of hoping once he sees me going he will be more open to it.

thanks

whippit - i think we were posting at the same time-
I think you may be right about the depression- but that is something I cant mention to him either. *sigh!*

Dinah...

but that is something I cant mention to him either. *sigh!*

Well that's not good for a marriage....
all of us should be able to express our concerns with the ones we love...

What you need to explore is how to approach this differently than you have..

have you tried taking all "blame" away from him and speaking about this issue from your point of view...

I statements...
I am so concerned about how you are feeling inside and as your wife I want you to feel the best that you can...

Have you done what you can to create a safe environment for him to open up in...(you may have which is good...just exploring it a bit)

Have you also set some limits and told him that his words of calling you a dog are not OK...AND have no affect of you...that his calling you names does nothing but avoid the issue...
and that you know there is nothing unhealthy in desiring your husband...

Also is he into pornography...
Could he be having an affair...

Is he nice and interested in you and things you do..
do you spend recreational time together...
does he enjoy things....

ARK

ark - Thank you for your thoughts on this- I will definitely try a different approach when talking to him. I've tried saying things like "It makes me sad when you are sad because I don’t like seeing you like that" - - But I do see how that can come across as me blaming him for me being upset. As for your questions (thank you for them, BTW- very thought provoking!):

Have you also set some limits and told him that his words of calling you a dog are not OK...AND have no affect of you...that his calling you names does nothing but avoid the issue...and that you know there is nothing unhealthy in desiring your husband... Sort of- Generally if he is being especially evil-tongued I will just start to cry. But I have said things like "You cannot say things like to me, they make me feel really bad." He'll say he's sorry, but that he's sick of me bringing it up... (so it’s my fault he lashes out I me, apparently) There is no way I'm bringing up the sex thing again (as far as saying it is normal to desire him) - he just gets agitated, then makes fun of me or yells at me or just gets exasperated with me. I have tried delicately to mention it could be a health problem (I've read diabetes, for instance, could cause a problem like low SD) and he has freaked. Tells me I'm attacking him, etc... I've tried mentioning the counseling thing- same thing. Now I just ignore our lack of SL, and when he is ready for sex I realize it will be on his terms.
Though come to think of it, he does masturbate daily- would someone with a true low SD even do that?

Gosh, I don’t mean to depict him in such a negative way- he really is a nice guy normally...

Also is he into pornography... He does look at pictures online, but nothing I am upset with or think is abnormal.

Could he be having an affair... No, I don’t think so-- He is an extremely shy person and meeting a new person would be nearly impossible. His only other GF before me lives in Texas and they haven’t spoken in over 4 years... So, no- I really don’t think so.

Is he nice and interested in you and things you do.. I don’t know what you mean- he will listen if I have a story about something- but we don’t have a lot of the same interests so I cant say that he is necessarily "interested" in things I do. Which brings me to:

do you spend recreational time together... rarely. I like outdoor things like gardening, walks in the park with the dogs, etc... he likes video games and computers and the like. Weekends usually consist of me gardening and him inside on his computer. Which really is fine- it seems to work for us. (Haha- so says the girl in the dysfunctional relationship!)

Does he enjoy things.... yes, computer stuff mostly.

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Dinah_S ]</small>

Dinah,

Send him stuff like electronic greeting cards, funny jokes via e-mail etc. GEt involved with what he does on-line. Mine like to sell stuff on ebay. I am better at research, he is better at placing the adds and dealing with potential buyers.

Use your strengths together.

Have you read his needs/her needs by Dr Harley? There is an emotional needs quesitonnaire up in the concepts section that is good.

I used to e-mail my H excerpts from MB. It helped.

L.

Dinah...

thanks for the feedback...

I agree with Orchid in finding ways to spend time with him...small increments here and there...

Also consider trying some new approaches for admiration...for a long time although I knew my husband had this really dedicated work ethic...I didn't realize the translation into his feeling of pride and accomplishment in providing for the family....
it took me a while to catch on to taking the time to thank him and tell him how much I appreciate how hard he works for US....

changes like that learning how to meet needs I didn't even know were so important to him...really helped communication in both of us....
Changing your own tune...small consistant changes you make that become you...

please don't think your husband is coming accross as negative...

I will say that while I have personally no experience with sexual disfunction....
there are those here that do..
AND...if I knew my husband masturbated pretty regularily...(so we know the mechanics work)...
while not engaging in one on one intimacy...that would be a red flag...

that over self stimulation can lead to inability to be stimulated by a partner...
and while I have no issues with porn...in my life or in general for others..I do believe it becomes a problem...when IT is a daily aspect of life and a real spouse is not....

Seek out others here...there are many with great insight in to these issues....

You cannot say things like to me, they make me feel really bad." He'll say he's sorry, but that he's sick of me bringing it up.

Learn to change YOUR wording back...learn to say things like...
You CAN say things that are really hurtful and make no mistake they hurt deeply BUT your calling me names solves nothing and does nothing to change to the issue at hand...which is YOUR lack of interest in me on an emotional level..and how much I want to be with YOU because I care about YOU and lOVE YOU...

Try to be as calm and as unemotional as you can...the pattern of making you cry is a safe one for him...change your participation in the pattern and eventually you will either get his attention...OR you will know you have tried all that you can...

once he sees that name calling won't work with you anymore...he will have to try something new...

There is definately something going on...he lashes out in to hide some other emotion...fear, shame, sadness, whatever....
Try to verbalize and show him an environment that is safe...defuse his usual pattern by not reacting the same...

blessings to you
ARK

As far as recreational companionship, why don't you try to become interested in his computer games? I know that they may not be your cup of tea but it would have the two of you sharing much needed time together. Besides, you wouldn't have to do it for hours, maybe an hour or two at the most every couple of days.

I think you need to take a good hard look at your marriage and do some sort of intensive counseling.

Firstly, if your husband is masturbating every day, he has a normal sex drive. The masturbation is a substitution for sex with you. This is a phenomenom that can happen with some men. they become so expert at pleasuring themselves, they prefer it to having to deal with the hassles of a partner- having to deal with her satisfaction, being intimate etc.

Plus I don't think it is OK for him to look at internet porn. Again his attention is focused on someone else, not you. It really is cheating in a way. It is disrespectful to you. Would your husband accept it if you surfed the net checking out pictures of other men's erections? (My H had an internet porn issue himself at one time, but it has completely stopped).

the other problem I see is that you are not sharing interests and doing stuff together- he is on his computer and you are out in the garden. This does not bode well for the future. I hate to say it but I suspect your H could be using more of that computer time than you know for porn surfing. Check his computer!

In the long term, your marriage can not survive these conditions. You may think it can, you may think your love is strong enough, but it can't. You see the problems that have surfaced now and have already made you vulnerable to an affair. You are doing the right thing in ending the affair and working on your relationship with your H. Work on it and determine if your M can survive or not.

Look at how your H is treating you now and compare it to when he was courting you. Obviously when courting you he put on a show to capture your heart. How much has he changed since that time? Can he be that man again and sustain it or was it just an act?

You need to work this out now since you are still young and as painful as it might be you can weather a divorce more easily now. the question is whether your H can change and whether he can honor his marriage vows "to love you, cherish you, protect you". He's not doing this.

Don't castigate yourself for the A. You were vulnerable. At the same time, accept responsibility. You know you handled things in a bad way, and your goal is to have such a strong marriage that you will never be in that position again. I know you know this, I'm just laying it out for you.

Whatever you do, don't have any children with your H until you have worked all this out. Children do not make a marriage easier. They are a strain on a couple.

Don't stay with your H out of blind loyalty. Don't ignore these problems or explain them away. He MUST change his behavior. Believe me you won't be able to tolerate this kind of treatment over the long run. You will ultimately end up walking out the door years later when it is much more painful.

Give it your best shot to create the kind of M you deserve. Get counseling. tell your H you want to create something wonderful with him. He needs to realize that he is in danger of losing you. then it's up to him. realize that he may not have the emotional tools to be the husband you deserve.

hope this isn't too blunt for you. wishing you well....